I've never really been an avid reddit user, only occasionally logging in every few months or so when I was bored, but a month or so ago I stumbled across this community. And it made me question so much. So for context I am a 30 year old male, never had a serious relationship as an adult and only dated very casually. I have always had the opinion there was something a bit different about me and my aspirations and lifestyle choices, compared to my best mates and the vast majority of my family. My brothers have had long term partners, most of my friends have had long term partners or are either married or engaged. I have always been the single one. I've honestly never put myself out there or been at all enthused by the idea of falling in love, finding a soulmate, finding 'the one' or even wanting to date someone romantically with the idea of it becoming serious. My default setting has simply always been single.
Now, even after consciously knowing all of that, the past few years I've been spending increasing amounts of energy and suffering from anxiety/stress, due to having regular, reoccurring thoughts such as 'I'm getting older, Its only NORMAL that I find someone else to be with' or 'Its EXPECTED of someone my age to settle down and be in a relationship so I need to start putting effort in'. Another consistent one is 'It's considered STRANGE to not have a fulfilling romantic relationship'. I've honestly spent so much of my emotional energy and time, planning and worrying about how and when I'm gonna find someone to enter a relationship with.
This community has opened my eyes. Why is it normal? Why is it expected of me? Why is it strange? Is it because all my siblings, mates and family are in relationships? or is it simply how I'm conditioned to think? The motion that I need to change my way of life regardless of my personal preferences is now simply baffling to me. And it has been through reading some of these threads that I now truly understand myself.
I NEED to be single. Its totally NORMAL and HEALTHY to be single. There is no part of me that is open to the idea of sharing my life with another person and that is absolutely ok. The freedom, the independence, the time I put into looking after me and my mental health is crucial to me (particularly important as I have suffered with OCD since a young age). The way in which I never have to make sacrifices or compromise or change anything about myself and what I want to do. It honestly had me laughing today at all the stress and worry I've caused myself these last few years thinking of correcting a part of my life that doesn't need to be corrected. And for what? Because its the standard thing to do? No thank you, ill be true to myself, stay single and continue to only date very casually if I ever so desire.
The peace I have felt since this realisation its quite remarkable. Who are we as a person If we don't stay true to ourselves. I'm eternally grateful I found this thread as It has shown me that I am not alone, that there are plenty of others like myself and that any way of life you choose is an acceptable one.
Thanks for reading and a great single xmas to all of you whatever your up too - I shall be with my amazing family eating far too much food :)
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Breaking free of the societal programming is...freeing!
I ran myself ragged trying to please my (soon to be ex) wife, trying to make myself fit into a small little box.
That part! Being divorced has brought a sense of freedom and peace. I didn’t know I needed/existed 🖤 I am completely okay with being single. And I’m never truly alone my kids are still small and I will enjoy every bit of time I have with them until they go off on their own.
It certainly is, i just wish it hadn’t taken me as long as it did 😂
Its ok! It took as long as it had to take. Now you are awake and embracing yourself! So wonderful! 🎉
I feel this. Making her content when she never will be, was not my life’s mission, took 10 years to walkaway. Single and Happy yes please!
It really does feel like a weight off your shoulders when you come to the realization that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, even if it feels weird or wrong at first.
100%! I think it’s a good life lesson in general
So glad you were able to come to this realization at 30 not 60 like I did. More power to you, and now go and enjoy YOUR life the way YOU want to enjoy it. Merry Xmas!
I certainly will🙏🏻 Thank you and all the best to you
Great awakening at an early age!!! You are successful in this-I suspect it will drip into many aspects of your life!!
even as an old happily divorced person people are always trying to "couple me up"! I can only imagine the pressure put on you youngsters... heres to being brave and smart! 💪🏻
It’s quite incredible the amount of times I’ve been asked ‘still single? You need to find someone to settle down with’ or been told ‘don’t worry you’ll find someone’….as if something needs fixing! I’ve even told people before that I am very happy being single and that’ll never change and people act genuinely bewildered at the idea …. ensuring that I will change my mind. Think the idea of someone being single and happy with that choice just can’t compute with some people 🤷🏻♂️
I think movies have promoted this thinking, always the sad single person... looking. Just as divorce is shown to be a nasty drama. my divorce was totally undramatic and friends were actually creating drama like on tv lol
My divorce was very amicable.
We used the same lawyer.
I left and moved out immediately and my parents kept trying to talk me into going back to try and get the house.
Nope.
Ever seen the movie War of the Roses?
That’s exactly what it would’ve turned into!
Now I have my own house and everyone is still alive!
Sometimes simply walking away is worth much more than fighting to the bitter end.
yes War of the Roses definitely comes to mind! And we have kids.. who wants to do that to their kids? Of course the more money you have the longer you can fight, if you want too
Exactly.
It’s not worth it for me.
My freedom was all I wanted!
That’s worth all the money in the world!
Yeah people used to say that to me but I shut that down!
My response is “are you happily married?”
Or “how are things going for you?”
I know they’re not happy because they constantly complain about their relationships!
It’s very liberating not to tolerate nonsense!
It’s not normal to be unhappy and trapped in a hostage situation!
I don't know how you all put up with it either! Was at a Christmas party earlier and got so many comments about my single status lol. I'm in my early 30s and I feel like it's not going to stop anytime soon.
Same here I mean it does help that my family is not pressuring me for grandkids or a hubby. Thank God they know I'm a lost cause. Lol just kidding. I realize especially this year I don't have to pick anybody.
I’m genuinely excited for the future for the first time in a long time- and all it took was that same realisation!
Yeah very thankful for the two of us. It's amazing when you you know I've never self-pressured myself I just assume cycle of life things would happen in a traditional way and they didn't and I'm more excited that it didn't
Not your mission in life to twist yourself into a pretzel with someone else. Young hearts run free!!
Total freedom well and truly is the thing I value the most in my life
We love to hear this!!! Thank you, OP, for this wonderful update. You’ll never go wrong living a life that is authentic and true to yourself. Wishing you a happy holidays. 😃🎉
Amen🙌🏻 thank you- have a great time yourself !
So well written. I’m 60f…it’s all a different story for each of us…but we are coming to the same conclusion! I so agree w you! This site has helped my perspective and thinking-as well as my inner conversations (which were so negative to myself)! I’m truly about to enjoy my first Christmas in decades thanks to everyone on here! A real gift💝
All the best to you, have a great time this Christmas being you 🙌🏻
Being single can absolutely be a fulfilling life
This community helped me too in a similar way
It takes courage to unlearn expectations like this
So refreshing to see someone choose what truly works for them
Well said, I relate to this and wish you all the best Happy holidays
The same to you too 🙏🏻
There is so much strength in choosing your own path
This level of self awareness is honestly inspiring
You explained this feeling so clearly
It’s amazing what clarity can do for your mental health
I relate to this more than I expected
Thank you for putting this into words
This was comforting to read
This really resonated with me thanks for sharing
Living authentically really is everything
Glad you found peace in understanding yourself
Nothing wrong with knowing what you want and honoring it
Congratulations!! 🎉🎉 it is so exciting to come to this realisation. You must be so excited for the future!
I loved reading through this post, absolutely agree - the ‘why’ is the important thing to reflect on. And once you do, it is so freeing.
I am 30 too, and I spent a lot of my 20s also feeling like I had to plan or worry ahead for a future relationship .. that I really needed to figure something out. I had people telling me “you better hurry up,” “oh when I was your age I already had x amount of children,” “you’ll find the right person,” blah blah blah. I still have these things said occasionally, and I just tell them - I live life solo and I love it!
For some of us in society, we feel most comfortable, happy and truly ourselves when single. It is horrible (in my view) to have to always be aware of someone else, their emotions, decisions, etc. We are WHOLE on our own and have incredibly fulfilling lives.
I’ll be with family and also house sitting which is very peaceful. Enjoy your Christmas!! 🎄
Thank you! I am indeed very excited, it’s so much easier to look forward to things without the doubts and anxiety hanging over you! Just the thought alone of being entangled with someone else makes me feel drained 🤣
All the best to you, have a great Xmas !
You’re welcome! I totally agree. You can look at your goals and future aspirations with such positivity and ease. Oh gosh, amen to that. Having to cater for someone else, nope nope.
Thank you so much!! 🎄🎄🎄