While I’m reflecting on some of my childhood experiences, many forgotten experiences keep coming up. One of them being, I used to play a lot of online games (think World of Warcraft) where we’d build several communities. I played one particular game from 10-20 years old. Around 14-15 years old I started to talk to the girls on this game a lot. I’d Skype chat, text, etc with them. Eventually I started sending and receiving explicit photos from several of them. They were usually 20+, a couple of them possibly even 40. They weren’t fake either.
I can’t remember if I always disclosed my age to all of them but I know I had to several. Plus, my photos looked relatively young. All this to say, I’m not sure if this was appropriate or not. Again, this was all online and virtual and I definitely didn’t mind it at the time but now I’m beginning to ask myself if this could have played into where I am today. I also keep thinking if the roles were flipped and these were 25 year old men sending photos to a 15 year old girl, that would be very different. Again, at the time I “loved” this and wanted more of it. Feels like I wasn’t aware that I was shaping my brain in a very negative way.
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I occasionally think about this also. I was a teenager chatting with and even calling older adults. I did ignorantly allow myself to be exploited sexually, but I have to remember I was just a kid, and other adults such as my parents should have protected me from this, but they failed. (The neglect I experienced as a child especially emotionally is a whole other discussion.)
Remember if the genders and ages were flipped and it were inappropriate, then it’s inappropriate. There’s a double standard for men.
I resonate with your comment a lot. I feel like my siblings and I were neglected a lot by our parents. My dad was fighting alcoholism all on his own and it felt like my mom wanted to escape the life she had with him (and us) because of it. She fed us and clothed us but the love was not there. I think they both grew up without expressing love in their family. My dad would verbally abuse her on a daily basis and hit my brothers a lot. I leaned onto video games a lot, especially these fantasy games where I’d find “friends” and a community - it was like an escape. My parents didn’t regulate what I was doing on there or how much time I was spending on there. To their defense they are on the older side and still probably don’t understand what your child can be exposed to online. My focus on the game slowly shifted away from leveling up to just talking to the women on there. By the time I finally reached 18 I had sent and received dozens if not hundreds of photos. I never shared this with anyone, it was just my secret life away from life. All this to say, I want to avoid molding my life experiences to fill the definition of a sex addicts background. I don’t know what “harm” this all caused or how it contributed to my mental development but I’m reflecting more and more on these types of memories.
You’re telling my story.