My pain is hurting like hell. My son's birthday today & I googled for 3 hrs to find the best, healthy snacks, balloon & flower vase for him. The florist called him & said that she has to deliver stuff. He confirmed that it was his number & said that it was not his address & hung up on her. I told her to cancel the order lest paranoia make him run. My mind is hurting like hell. His diagnosis has been schizophrenia. He is functional, cooks, shops, well groomed, reads, carries on logical conversations. However isolates & has had episodes of running away. Never been medicated. He has been unable to work. He has a Physics/Math degree. During involuntary commitment this month, he behaved very well at the facility & they said that they did not see any symptoms & released him without meds. Why is my loving attention rejected repeatedly? He threatens disappearing/leaving/breaking up. I have sustained this grief for 15 yrs. I have to respect his privacy & accept that I am mortal & I am not firever.
Hi, what I’m gathering from this is he maybe was a little concerned when someone he doesn’t know called him knowing his address and wanting to come to his door, maybe due to his paranoia. It doesn’t seem to me like he rejected it because he didn’t want birthday treats from his parent. You did a very thoughtful thing, and it’s understandable that you’re hurting ❤️
So sorry my dear friend 😭. You have worked so hard for so long and such rejection must, simply must be a symptom of his illness. It cannot come from his heart. I refuse to believe it. Deep down he loves you and appreciates all you have done. Why he can't show this is a part of his illness we will never understand.
You are a great Mother.
Sending light love and hugs 💖🫂💖
🫂
My best advice is: don’t take his behavior personally. In psychosis, people have a wildly different perception of the world. Schizophrenia also makes people very unaware of their surroundings and socially unaware as well. Imagine living in a state of intense distress 24/7 — in his perception, a random gift might feel like a burden. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t appreciate you or your present; he is simply unable to act like a typical person or follow social cues. When you have a loved one with this illness, you need to find a delicate balance between caring for him and caring for yourself. Your feelings are valid. Take care!
Edit: of course your present isn’t „random” but that’s how he might perceived it. I meant when someone is detached from reality, anything that’s not everyday business might feel „random”
Also I’d like to add some background. I have a brother with schizophrenia and for my mother it was too hard to be in contact with him, so she cut ties. It was difficult for her not to take his behaviors too personally, like me and my father advised her. It’s sad but I’m respectful towards her decision, I’m not a mother after all, I don’t have kids, and I can’t imagine what she feels. I know parents experience lots of guilt when they kids suffer, especially from psychiatric diseases. Guilt is a very draining emotion. If you’re not doing it yet, please get some counseling. I live in Europe not US, but here we have access to free therapy when we have a loved one with schizophrenia and also in every bigger city we have groups for families. Maybe you can ask about it in the facility he’s being treated.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with that. Just know you aren’t alone. My experience is very similar with my son.
I am sorry. I have had similar experiences and it hurts to try and try and have your efforts rejected.
One thing I have found is that special days (like birthdays) often seem to put extra stress on my loved one and this ups the symptoms. So I try to have really low expectations for those days. It is a hard balance to show that you care without putting too much pressure on them. I like to leave a card where they can get to it when they feel like it and plan an idea for a gift rather than an actual gift. Like a gift card or a brochure for something I think they will like. That way they can feel in control about whether or not or when something happens and I don't waste money if they decide that they don't want to do/accept the present I wanted to give.
This reminds me of my brother. Sent him a warm coat for Christmas bc he didn’t have one & he set it on fire. My dad & I bought him a bunch on new clothes & when I was there to visit noticed all the clothes were never worn & thrown in corner. He’s been in jail a year and a half & we sent $25 a week & just finding out he has denied commissary bc was from our father & I. He thinks we are “in on it” & he refuses to accept anything from us. It’s the most heartbreaking thing we’ve ever been thru-trying to help loved one who doesn’t understand. He did tell me one time he knew we loved him-that is what I hold on to. ❤️🩹
Isolating is how some of us cope and manage our stress & other symptoms. We can be ourselves without expectations. When not possible in current situations can lead to "running away" to get the peace we need to pull ourselves back together. It's not that we don't appreciate the concern but it's "smothering" in a way that hinders the focus on ourselves. High functioning without meds, would say your son is very set & focused in managing his daily & may have seen this as a distraction and wrench in the works to deal w ppl that were not planned. Support can look dif to dif ppl. Sumtimes it's checking in before making decisions that involve interacting w others. Sumtimes it's jus giving sum much needed space & time. Am a lil confused what you meant by threatening to "break up".. it was son you said?
He is lucky to have you as a dad. Grief comes in waves for us as caregivers. You are not alone and this is common for people living with schizophrenia. In case you are looking for more resources, I read the Grief Recovery Handbook and it helped me process even though it's a daily struggle. 💔❤️🩹