I’m 25 and support my 54 year old Mum who has debilitating paranoia and delusions. Stress induced due to a messy divorce in which she was always in denial of (fear response I guess). She’s not got much money or assets now.
I worked hard once I saw her illness as I wanted to support her and potentially buy a house for her to give her stability. Can proudly say I’ve made enough money to do so. However, the money actually didn’t achieve anything.
For the past 2 years she’s been living in her car as she can’t stay in one place long enough without thinking it’s bugged or she’s being watched.
Thus, I’ve hesitated to buy a house because she will most likely rip down the walls at some point, thinking I’ve been influenced by “them” to buy this certain house and it’s fitted with all sorts of tech…
This has destroyed me to be honest. What did I work so hard for? I can’t buy her health back. I’ve been coping by wasting a lot of money on escaping through travelling.
But slowly she’s blaming me for not helping enough, even though I’m the only one of my 3 siblings who tries. The rest have cut her off because they didn’t have the capacity to deal with her.
Now I’m thinking what’s the point of financially supporting her if she just wastes the money and it enables her to drive around, going from hotel to hotel, trying to figure out “who’s behind all this”.
I’m starting to think I’m enabling her to stay insane. This could go on for years and I’d be down hundreds of thousands. But without me I genuinely think she’d be f*cked and I love her, I can’t just cut her off and leave her to fend for herself. But I also don’t think there should be such a huge responsibility on my shoulders… I’m beginning to break down myself.
Sometimes I think she’s a lost cause in her current state and needs a reality check. I’ve debated cutting her off but also think she’d not trust me ever again, seeing I actually have the ability to support her. But how will she ever snap out of this? It’s sad that it has to be drastic but really nothing has changed for 4+ years.
There's no rock bottom for them. It's not like some other illnesses where tough love makes them suddenly realize what they've been doing to themselves and they go get help. I've dealt with this my entire life (unmedicated mom, now unmedicated son) and sometimes being strategically pushy gets them to a doc but just leaving them to their own devices does not help. Read I'm Not Sick I Don't Need Help. He's got LOTS of good info in there.
Sorry for your troubles.
You mention mom has paranoia but you don't say if she's been diagnosed with any particular condition. Has she been seen by a psychiatrist? Was she prescribed medication?
To make any kind of useful advice I would need to know when mom was last seen by her psychiatrist, what medication(s) she's been prescribed and whether or not she's taking her medication as prescribed.
Could you provide some feedback along those lines?
Thank you for your concern. She was diagnosed after being involuntarily admitted to hospital in 2022. Diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder but extreme paranoid delusions have crept in since. Unsure if she was prescribed medication as it was a touchy subject I didn't want to touch on back then, but she was taking medication in the hospital so I assume so.
That was the last time she had any involvement with medication and I think the stay did more harm than good.
Since then, she has moved country and been on the road, moving from place to place. Her conspiracy or delusional story has been getting worse and worse, even getting to the point where she feels that I am not her real son anymore and that I was replaced with a clone.
I assume the situation is a bit more difficult now as she has never been diagnosed or prescribed anything in the current country she is in (Germany).
I say this not to worry you, but so that you will know it (if you don't already) and can factor it into your plans for mom.
Psychosis damages the brain. The longer it goes untreated the more damage is done. With great respect I think you should do your best to get mom to a psychiatrist where she can be evaluated and given appropriate anti psychotic medication. I'm not assuming which or any meds mom might be prescribed but given your description of her it seems clear she is suffering from psychosis and the doctor will almost certainly prescribe something he or she deems appropriate given mom' age and overall health.
Getting mom into treatment should be your number one priority. If she cooperates with you, that would be awesome; but if not you will have to explore legal remedies for intervention. They do exist. Unfortunately, left untreated mom's condition will not improve.
The good news is that with treatment, support/therapy and medication compliance mom's condition can improve dramatically. Clearly a worthy goal.
Are you also in Germany nearby where you can "take charge" of mom's care, or are there perhaps other family members there that can step up?
I think Germany has a schizophrenia specific organization kinda like NAMI. I could be wrong but it’d be worth looking up.
She can't access reality. Its a chemical imbalance that messes up the ability to think rationally.
People in psychosis make connections that the rest of us don't make. They assume every little event is about them. A squeal in the tv sound, a random person walking by daily on their walk. We filter those out as not being about us.
At least that's how I heard it described.
You must take care of yourself seeking support groups for yourself..
To help her you have to be on her side and guide her. Medication is the best option here because it's not a choice it's a legitimate brain malfunction.
It doesn't sound like you have been enabling her to stay sick, it just sounds like you have been enabling her to stay off the street. You are a good son! I am sorry you have had to deal with this emotional and financial burden. You are probably right about buying the house. It sucks.