Hi everyone, I’m working on a historical romance with political intrigue and a forced marriage trope. This scene takes place during a royal ball where the prince’s engagement is announced without his consent, triggering exile, betrayal, and the return of a long-lost antagonist.
I’d love feedback on:
emotional tension (does it feel earned or too heavy?)
pacing (too long / too rushed?)
clarity of character motivations
whether the scene makes you want to keep reading
Context: Prince Varut is expected to obey the crown. Natcha is the woman he’s forced to marry. Lorian is the king’s estranged older brother, believed dead, watching events unfold.
Excerpt:
The ballroom gleamed with a perfection that felt almost deliberate, as if every detail had been arranged to conceal fractures no light could truly erase.
Gold shimmered beneath the chandeliers, yet the air itself trembled with a muted tension—an unease masquerading as celebration.
Then the music died.
Silence spread like a slow tide.
The doors opened, revealing King Archit, the queen at his side, grace itself made flesh. Behind them walked Prince Varut, immaculate, composed, every step measured by duty.
Only a careful eye would notice the truth: the rigid line of his shoulders, the subtle tension in his gloved fingers.
He wore the calm of a man carrying a burden he was never allowed to set down.
“Remember this night,” the king declared. “Nothing after midnight will ever be the same.”
A murmur rippled through the guests.
In the shadows, Duke Lorian watched—silent, forgotten, very much alive.
When the king announced the prince’s engagement to the prime minister’s daughter, the room froze.
Varut’s breath caught. His gaze found Natcha’s.
In that single, silent exchange, they understood: this was not a union of love, but a sacrifice.
“You will obey,” the king said coldly.
Varut lifted his head.
“Then I renounce the throne.”
The words shattered the room.
From the back, slow applause echoed.
Lorian stepped forward, smiling.
“Congratulations, my brother,” he said softly. “You’ve just lost your heir.”
Thank you so much for reading. I’m especially interested in whether the emotional weight works without becoming overwhelming.
The scene starts well but then jumps very suddenly to the announcement. It's like there's something missing, and you were in a hurry to skip to the announcement. You were building momentum and a feeling of grandeur, but it just all vanishes in one instance, and you hurry through the rest.
First, the announcement has no crowd. The king might've said it privately or in public. It is left unclear in the moment.
Then, the prince reacts. He locks eyes with his betrothed and then somehow renounces the throne. Here again, we can't see this happening. You are speeding through it. He is jumping from sacrifice to retreat without the reader having a clue of his motives or feelings.
Lastly, you jump to the brother, who comes forward, addressing the king. This is where I realised that everything happened loudly in front of the court and not as a discussion between father and son.
ETA: I reread your text and realised that I skipped the few sentences between the dialogue where the room was said to react. I was seeking the feelings of the prince and didn't notice them.
I still don't think this scene works as it is. It feels rushed and void of life.
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback! 🙏 I understand what you mean about the pacing and the lack of life in the scene. I’m going to rework the announcement to show more clearly the crowd, the reactions of the prince and his betrothed, as well as the prince’s motives and feelings before his decision. Your comments really help me see what isn’t working and how to make the scene more immersive.
Glad I could help. Good luck with rewriting it. Maybe add some fanfare to the announcement as well, so the prince gets put on the spot, and the reader can feel the public pressure on him.
Thank you so much for your feedback and for taking the time to read my scene. 😊 I understand your point about wanting more “visual” details of the ball, like the conversations, laughter, and general bustle of the guests.
For this scene, my focus was on the characters’ internal tension and the emotional drama, rather than describing every movement of the crowd. I wanted the reader to feel the weight of the announcement and Varut’s dilemma, as well as the atmosphere of threat and suspense surrounding his brother, Lorian.
I understand that every reader has different preferences, and I truly appreciate you sharing yours. For me, this scene works as it is, because it remains complete and immersive, with the conflict, symbolism, and emotional impact I wanted to convey.
Just to clarify, this story is published on Chapters Interactive, which is an interactive platform, so the pacing and focus on emotional tension are intentional to engage readers in this format.
Thank you again for your thoughts—they really help me understand how different readers perceive tension and immersion.