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OP's BIO:
My girlfriend posted in this sub abit earlier and it was pretty funny so i decided, screw it why not try it myself. Lol im probably gonna regret this but oh well. For all those from her post, yup, turns out i am actually real!
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Probably has a 300k student loan from an online video game design school and has discovered his max potential is pumping coffee at the local Portland Starbucks.
Also to OP: Your eclectic collection screams “I’d rather date men” but you aren’t brave enough to gargle the ol man meat. So instead you rock climb so you can look at men with spread cheeks for hours on end.
That and he is climbing the line meant for children that never climbed before. Those giant holds are called jugs. The first and only jugs he will ever touch
This might be your first time to get roasted on Reddit, but believe me friends, family, coworkers, strangers you pass in the grocery store have been roasting you for years
This isnt the first time you’re getting roasted. Your parents, family, friends and imaginary girlfriend have been roasting you for years behind your back. They don’t do it to your face, because they feel sorry for you because it’s obvious you’re on the spectrum
You don't have any other hobbies than going to fleamarket and "be organic". Also, your girlfriend is a houseplant but don't worry, she is propably dead already.
Did your wife put that scrunchie in your hair, while she was pegging you? Also, I get the vibes your a glitter in the beard for Christmas kind of girl.
The only thing this guy can get into bed is his stuffed animal collection, but even they run because you know this guy hasn't ever met a bar of soap either.
Maybe if you take out your Barbie dolls' ponytails and take a shower, you won't be roasted as you have been by everyone you know. But hey, we're still here, you're just hoping to get a real girlfriend, not an imaginary one.
Define “GF”. It does not mean the same thing in 2025 that it did when I was your age. Because you are a grown man with stuffed animals. I bet you are the “GFs” furry that gets stuffed while “she” pulls that fruity little man bun while you call out his LARP name
Ohhhh… you’re the ex-chef’s bf. I see.
I’d say that beanpole must weigh 75 pounds soaking wet, but you wouldn’t have any idea how to get her wet, would you?
Hanging out at the rock climbing gig to make “friends” with the kiddies. “May I help you get up there, little girl?” (Or maybe little boy, it’s hard to tell)
This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.
OP's BIO:
My girlfriend posted in this sub abit earlier and it was pretty funny so i decided, screw it why not try it myself. Lol im probably gonna regret this but oh well. For all those from her post, yup, turns out i am actually real!
If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.
Ned Flanders annoying hippie son
"Shut up Flanders!"
He is a Nedward “Neduchadnezzar” Flanders Sr. looking fellow.
He’s the reason Ned prays for a second flood
Shawn Micheals with gender fluidity
This guy is the poster boy for the term restraining order.
He’s the reason the bouldering gym had to implement a specific 'no prolonged staring' policy
Ok ShartGPT, create me an image of tech bro vibe coder.
Coder? This dude absolutely is a barista in some PNW coffee shop.
Probably has a 300k student loan from an online video game design school and has discovered his max potential is pumping coffee at the local Portland Starbucks.
Lmao
Flashed his espresso machine once and now he thinks he is a hacker.
You look like someone who would spend a hour showing me their DND collection
I got a warhammer one, wanna hang out for an hour or 2?
Yes. What armies?
Also to OP: Your eclectic collection screams “I’d rather date men” but you aren’t brave enough to gargle the ol man meat. So instead you rock climb so you can look at men with spread cheeks for hours on end.
Lol I wish I had enough of a collection to take up an hour. 😂
The look of a guy who says he has roommates, but its his mom
And 10 years ago, she passed away
He’s a great climber! Superb hand strength from 3 decades of constant masturbation.
All those calluses are really paying off..
Ribbed for his pleasure.
Don’t forget he has the flexibility to suck his own prick while climbing also.
That and he is climbing the line meant for children that never climbed before. Those giant holds are called jugs. The first and only jugs he will ever touch
1 day later, and 11 comments. Nobody even cares enough about you to roast you.
Because nobody likes a liar.
That’s a burn
If you roast enough it turns into a burn. He just skipped the roasting.
Right….just some jam band loving dork.
Can’t be within 1,000 ft of a school or unsupervised around children.
I’m going to repeat what your mom always tell you: wash your hands you filthy degenerate and give me back my underwear.
Picture 2: It seems like you can never climb your way out of rock bottom.
If I was him i wouldn't even clime out of bed.
You look like you sell bootleg Rubik’s Cubes out of the trunk of your car
He has a monthly subscription for roofies
I can smell you from here.
Everyone knows the bandana is just hiding you're balding dude.
It looks like your girlfriend wears the pants and you wear the skirt in the relationship.
Hey, hey, hey, it's a kilt there laddie. It's what my character wears
This might be your first time to get roasted on Reddit, but believe me friends, family, coworkers, strangers you pass in the grocery store have been roasting you for years
You look like you’re sponsored by dirt weed and mildew.
No matter how high you climb.. you’ll still be insignificant!
is that a fucking scrunchie?
Jeezus. Fucking girl bun.
Oh there's no way that's true. Based on your pics, Im betting people have been roasting you most of your life.
Climbing to get away from all the pussy
You’ve misspelled boyfriend.
*stalking victim
You look like you stink of failure and bad hygiene
What I imagine a male feminist looks like
You need ropes and crampons to get from your eyebrows to your hairline.
My mind genuinely saw you as working in a coffee shop in that first pic, apron and everything 😂
This isnt the first time you’re getting roasted. Your parents, family, friends and imaginary girlfriend have been roasting you for years behind your back. They don’t do it to your face, because they feel sorry for you because it’s obvious you’re on the spectrum
Can climb anywhere, except out of your parents house
You don't have any other hobbies than going to fleamarket and "be organic". Also, your girlfriend is a houseplant but don't worry, she is propably dead already.
I think, even without the receding hair line, you would have a 5 head.
If tofu had a spokesperson
Millennial restaurant owner
Good for you. You got both your feet completely off the ground. Did you get a juice box for that?
This guy will crush you at dungeons and dragons.
Looks like a roommate from hell
I'll give you one guess as to what his job is at the drive-in theater.
Did you have your pony tail pulled on the playground?
Three photos that scream "try hard"
Are you hipster living in Copenhagen perchance?
You were great in Touched By An Uncle. Got that retreating hairline. Can you blame it though? Who wouldn’t run from that face.
Pretending to be a climber but you'd be higher if you just stood up.
your look, vibe, breath, and smell would indicate that you're perpetually roasted
Keep climbing, and you’ll eventually reach mediocrity
As soon as you open your mouth people want to punch you in the face.
You actually look vaguely likeable but no way would I want your life
You look like what 40 years of pent up rage does to a man.
Please don't hurt make-a-wish skinwalker Timmy.
You are a chronic master debater. Hence, the roll of toilet paper.
You're so shallow that you manage to write an extended bio about how real you are by telling nothing about you at all.
First time today ? man you look like you've been roasted your whole life , parents probably paid kids to bully you , bet you can't even roast coffee
I bet you smell like patchouli and wasted college tuition
How can you boulder having muscles like a garden hose
Adam Buxton has let himself go, guess thr podcast money has run out.
All right Nicepool, here we go. You look just like the kind of douchebag that would have polaroids of kids on your wall.
Yes thank you and welcome to r/roastme.
Dude. Do really need reddit to tell you that you look like an orphan troll? You are ugly. Stop making it our problem.
Love the Dr who call box
"how'd you know I listen to indie music?"
You should try your first time taking a shower next
Did your wife put that scrunchie in your hair, while she was pegging you? Also, I get the vibes your a glitter in the beard for Christmas kind of girl.
Next week you'll be on r/Bald
“My girlfriend posted in this sub…”
Spoiler alert - No girlfriend - You named your hand ‘Jessica’ - You haven’t showered today - There’s a severed penis in your fridge
Turns out. You’re also your girlfriend’s sub.
your next first time could be getting a hair cut instead of letting squirrels chew it off and use it for nesting .
It's like jacksepticeye and vsauce had an unsuccessful hippie baby
You look like you may find mild success in starting a cult
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First time? Shocking.
I don’t believe you that this is your first time getting roasted
This ain’t your first roast.
Oh what the AI boys is going to do with these pics 😂
Bic before you end up with a skullet that puts you on the weirdo list just on general principle.
Missed you at prom...be well!
even guys hide their drinks around this dude
You mean boyfriend. Gaylord.
Your hairline is receding faster than the tides. You make the perfect bottom for your girlfriend.
Congratulations on popping your "getting roasted" cherry. Looks like you've got one more cherry to pop before becoming a man though
You look like you own a butt plug that has a tail
You look like you definitely talk about climbing way too much.
The only thing this guy can get into bed is his stuffed animal collection, but even they run because you know this guy hasn't ever met a bar of soap either.
Climb back into your Subaru and go back to obscurity in whatever flyover state you came from
he tryna flirt with hella girls with mowhawks, cargo pants, rough hands and unshaven armpits
That bandana isn't fooling anyone about your receding hair line.
Its multifunctional! Keeps the sweat out of my eyes and covers up the shining beacon that is my 5head
Budget conscious mr robot
You look like you joined rock climbing just to increase your grip strength so you can better jerk off guys at the gas station to buy more D&D books.
Just the first time you're aware of.
Maybe if you take out your Barbie dolls' ponytails and take a shower, you won't be roasted as you have been by everyone you know. But hey, we're still here, you're just hoping to get a real girlfriend, not an imaginary one.
The before picture of every member of /r/bald
Dm for goodvybes
If your gf would just go on ozempic, you wouldn't need to train so much for the bedroom.
Oh hi. I’ll pls have a large caramel macchiato.
I don’t know why you have toilet paper on your desk in the first pic, when you don’t even have an anus…
I bet your room smells like straight up taint.
Is that your bedroom at your parents house? Where you still live today?
Semi-tistic
World's oldest second-grader
Gay Rambo
Infinite Quest
To end virginity
You seem like a nice guy. That's why your girlfriend sleeps with other dudes.
Average reddit soyboy
Stay flexy
You look like you'd talk about vector curves, kernels and how much you hate helvetica in your sleep 😂💜
Love you! 😜🥰
You look like you'd talk about vector curves, kernels and how much you hate helvetica in your sleep 😂💜
Love you! 😜🥰
Is pic #2 how you usually pose?
What has two thumbs, no athletic ability, and creeps out girls with card tricks?!
I’m just here to say, don’t do it man, it’s not worth it.
There’s a lot of firsts for you yet to come …
r/cumshotgifts
r/ridingxxx
r/bondageblowjobs
Someone needs some impact play.
It's time for the first gf, I guess...
“First time getting roasted” Don’t worry, everybody has been doing that behind your back for years
Too bad no woman will ever climb you
Look at the tardis.
Define “GF”. It does not mean the same thing in 2025 that it did when I was your age. Because you are a grown man with stuffed animals. I bet you are the “GFs” furry that gets stuffed while “she” pulls that fruity little man bun while you call out his LARP name
Tell me you are a Liberal Hippy from Portland without actually telling me lol
"First time getting roated"
Bullshit. First time getting roasted to your face, maybe.
You for sure smell bad. If no one says you do, it's because they're trying to be nice.
Your first time getting roasted….to your face. Everything you read here has been said behind your back for years
Roasted for the first time before he's gotten a shower for the first time smh
That hairband serves no practical use and no one but you thinks it's cool.
Girlfriend?
Roll on the floor laugh our asses off.
Chat GPT said you are the epitome of a closeted bottom twink.
Live your true self!
Pants down, ass up and wiggling.
Nope, send your girlfriend back.
I find it hard to believe that this is the first time you've been roasted...
Sell any ashtrays made of cans recently? Or do you make jewellery by twisting wire around crystals? It's definitely one or the other
Still working on that novel, huh?
Lol nah i started 5 more and never finished them then started making a card game and never finished that either 🤣😂
Your doppelgänger is David Foster Wallace don’t end up like him hang in there bud
Does she know that you're in a relationship or have you just been stalking her for years?
First time roasted ONLINE. I imagine people routinely roast you in day to day life
Something tells me you’ve definitely been roasted before, just never to your face.
Are we you sure this is your first time?
“Cut your hair. You’ll get laid more often.” -Battle Pope
You moan every time you wipe your ass..
You look like a Temu Sam Ryder.
Gay
First time getting roasted on the internet son, FTFY. People been roasting you since Montessori preschool.
You give off "Subaru owner" vibes
I bet you fart in jars and call it “artisanal”
Be sure to let us know whenever you lose your virginity too.
Just get a tee shirt that says: Im unemployed and live off mom" just in case some chick misses the flashing red flags
I bet you tell all the boys it's your first time.
The random roll of toilet paper just out on your table tells me everything I need to know about you...
Oof. Mate I’m so sorry. That must be so tough. Whatever it ends up being I guess
Bedroom reeks of BO and astroglide
First time getting roasted.....to your face.
First pic "I'm tired of collecting stuff I need a hobby" Second pic "Wow this is really hard" Third pic "Ow my ovaries hurt"
Ohhhh… you’re the ex-chef’s bf. I see. I’d say that beanpole must weigh 75 pounds soaking wet, but you wouldn’t have any idea how to get her wet, would you?
First roast. Previously, you just called it "bullying."
You look like your girlfriend tells you 5 times a day to get a job but you refuse because you’ve been “taking some me time” for the past 18 months.
Hanging out at the rock climbing gig to make “friends” with the kiddies. “May I help you get up there, little girl?” (Or maybe little boy, it’s hard to tell)
Trust me - this isn't the first time you've been roasted.
The conservation Corp called they want their backpack back
Why does your face looks handicapped
I would but your nasty hair would stink the whole block...
I bet you smell like bens and hot dog water
Cutie
An itch that gets scabby, sad
Trust me, it’s not your first time being roasted. You just weren’t there to hear it.
It’s very creative how you took all of your girlfriend’s dildos to make a rock climbing wall.