Hi,

I recently matched with someone on a sexual/kinky dating site whose profile said they were interested in matching with good humans and that they valued openness.

We started chatting and the conversation quickly delved into sexting (just messages)

My concern lies with the the person's profile that they wanted to connect with "good humans" and they liked "openness" - I wouldn't consider myself particularly good (I suffer very much from Harm OCD and moral scrupulosity).

I'm wondering if I have violated boundaries/consent here (i.e. that I deceived tis person and therefore informed consent was not present), in relation to the "good people" statement in the person's profile. When the sexting was happening, this did cross my mind, but I was able to rationalise it and ignored my thoughts, and that I was already in the midst of it so might as well keep going - I'm thinking that this mindset was wrong in retrospect

I did have a similar issue with sexting earlier this year but have been able to get over that

Would be great to get people's two cents here

  • I'm not going to tell you if you've crossed any boundaries here or not, because 1) they're not my boundaries so I really couldn't tell you, and 2) giving you reassurance will just reinforce your OCD, and I don't want to do that to you.

    But, I will say that just because you don't think you're good doesn't mean you're bad. I don't think I'm a good person, but my partner thinks I'm a great person. My point is, it's very subjective.

    Also, look at the facts. They started sexting with you shortly after you started talking. Do you think that enough time had passed by for them to be able to make an accurate judgement of your morality/character? Yes, no, it doesn't really matter actually because it's not your responsibility to enforce theirboundaries.

    When I worry about stuff like this, I ask myself, what harm has been done? did anyone actually get hurt? was anyone actually negatively impacted by this? If it's something like this, where my perception dictates the situation, the answer is always no. Because thoughts are just thoughts - they hold absolutely no moral value.

    Just because I think I'm a bad person doesn't mean I actually am. just because I think I'm a bad person doesn't mean I've hurt someone - especially when there's no evidence that they've been hurt.

    If you really want an answer to your question, talk to this person about it. ask them if they could clarify what their bio means. How do they define a "good" person?

    parent

    Thanks for the reply

    Also, look at the facts. They started sexting with you shortly after you started talking. Do you think that enough time had passed by for them to be able to make an accurate judgement of your morality/character? Yes, no, it doesn't really matter actually because it's not your responsibility to enforce theirboundaries.

    No, definitely not enough time to make an accurate judgement. However, the fact that they said (on their profile) that they were wanting to connecting with "good humans" and I connected with them, am I implicitly saying that I am a "good human"?

    When I worry about stuff like this, I ask myself, what harm has been done? did anyone actually get hurt? was anyone actually negatively impacted by this? If it's something like this, where my perception dictates the situation, the answer is always no. Because thoughts are just thoughts - they hold absolutely no moral value.

    They didn't get hurt - but I guess, with regards to informed consent, I'm not sure they had all the information to consent (i.e. the "good human" thing)

    Also, thinking about this some more, I had the thought in my mind about the "good humans" in their profile and ignored it because I figured that if I mentioned it, there would be no sexting and, on a lesser note, to combat the OCD thoughts - so I'm not sure I behaved well here - I was selfish

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