Okay, I read through the successful query thread, and rewrote the query several times until I landed on one that sounded better. Let me know what you think of this version. Thank you!
Version 1
*****
Given your interest in [wishlist], I’m pleased to submit for your consideration SOUL TRAVELLERS INN, my 82k word adult cosy fantasy standalone with series potential.
Oliana is an immortal innkeeper, bound to a magical inn she can never leave. Her only companion over the centuries has been Isarion, a god-like fox who once intended to kill her and now wants to set her free. But beyond the inn's walls lies only a bottomless void, a place she nearly fell into once, and never again, thank you very much.
When Isarion leaves to find a way to release her, he warns her of the Myr’vokar, powerful beings who hunt Innkeepers. Even with the threat looming over her, Oliana doesn’t hesitate to continue running her inn. Although she never wanted to be the Innkeeper, she does love the place that has become her home, especially the oven that hurtles out any dish she desires.
As the centuries pass, Oliana befriends Havruc the dwarf, and raises orphaned girls, Olga and Ayda. But when Isarion returns with long-sought answers, she faces a choice: remain at the inn she calls home, step into a life she’s never known, or follow him into freedom.
SOUL TRAVELLERS INN will appeal to readers who enjoy the whimsical magic of The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst, found family in Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree, and the emotional stories of The Vanishing Cherry Blossom Bookshop by Takuya Asakura.
While cozy fantasy isn’t the most action-oriented of genres, I feel like this query would benefit from Oliana doing something. At the moment all we see is her sitting around at an inn she can’t leave and maybe making some friends we know nothing about, and ignoring a vague threat that never seems to materialise (or at least is never repeated again in the query). Meanwhile Isarion is the one adventuring to find a ‘cure’ for her problem and collecting answers, and his story as a result sounds much more intriguing than Oliana’s.
Adding some more detail about what Oliana actually does as the Innkeeper/why that position is important, and what she wishes to do instead if she’s able to break free, would help make his query much more exciting to a potential agent.
Thank you for the advice :) I think i need to go back and think about what I really want to focus this query around. But every bit of advice has gotten me closer!
I’m a lil bit confused about what Oliana wants, since she seems both frustrated and awfully content with her position as inn-prisoner.
the first (plot) sentence insinuates that it’s a bad thing that she’s stuck in the inn, especially because right after, the fox is described as wanting to help her leave.
except that there’s a bottomless void outside the inn, so she actually doesn’t want to leave. (i dont get how people are getting to this inn to begin with.)
there’s a threat, but she doesn’t care and wants to run the inn. So I guess she doesn’t mind her situation, and sure enough, It’s explained that actually, she likes being an innkeeper.
i get that this decision of leave or stay is meant to be nuanced, but I just feel like I don’t understand oliana and whether she likes or dislikes her situation. What would she get out of leaving, anyway? is she just desiring freedom for freedoms sake? that seems odd since she’s pretty happy with her current position.
anyway! Apologies for any mistakes, I’m on mobile, and good luck with the project!
Thank you for the advice :) I think the problem is I'm struggling to focus on the right points in the story. Back to the writing board haha