Hi! Since my last post, I've done several major overhauls to my plot and characters, so this query is a little different from my last one. Thank you so much in advance for any and all feedback! I really appreciate it.
Dear Agent,
As the battle for Stalingrad rages, a secret unit of Soviet vampires is ordered to defend the city from a Nazi werewolf battalion.
Complete at 80,000 words, THE SOVIET SPECIAL OPERATIONS VAMPIRE UNIT is a dark historical fantasy blending the grit of World War II with supernatural warfare. It will appeal to readers who loved the history-plus-vampires aspect of Stephen Graham Jones’ The Buffalo Hunter Hunter and the morally compromised protagonists of Joe Abercrombie’s The Devils.
On the eastern banks of the Volga River, the Soviet Special Operations Vampire Unit prepares to cross into hell on earth—Stalingrad, 1942. Among them are the fledgling Ksenia, the unit's newest member, and Daniil, a volatile killer pulled from NKVD prison and given one last chance to prove himself.
Neither cares about Stalingrad. Ksenia wants to hunt the golden-eyed Nazi officer who killed her sister in an occult ceremony. Daniil seeks to be rid of his NKVD minder, who seems annoyingly fixated on proving Daniil has a heart.
But the Germans have deployed a supernatural battalion of their own—a pack of Nazi werewolves advancing through the city with orders to exterminate the vampires.
When the two sides clash, the vampires are hopelessly outmatched. The unit is shattered, but not before Ksenia recognizes the golden eyes of the pack’s leader. The eyes of her sister’s killer.
While Ksenia stalks the werewolves through the war-torn streets, Daniil is forced to work with the human officer he loathes to survive. As the front collapses around them both must decide not only what they are willing to destroy, but what they are willing to defend.
[BIO]
Thank you so much for your time,
[NAME]
First 300:
Bogdonovo, Byelorussian Soviet Socialist Republic, March 1942
She lay in the pit until nightfall, waiting for the chanting and screaming to stop. Only after the rough sounds of German had faded into the distance did she dare lift her head from the blood-soaked dirt. The forest around was peaceful; the sky had not fallen. But for the sulfurous smoke curling up from the earth, all was still.
Stillest of all were the dead.
“Maria?” she whispered. There was a wetness blooming on her chest, hot and slippery. She tried to move her legs and found she couldn’t. The body of a yellow-haired girl named Svetlana was pinning them in place.
She wondered if Svetlana’s mother knew her daughter was dead. She wondered if Svetlana’s mother was dead herself.
“Maria?” she whispered again. Overhead the stars swam. “Can you hear me?”
Silence but for the hooting of an owl, the whisper of the trees. The smell of sulfur grew stronger; rotting eggs and ash on a thin film of blood.
Her breathing had slowed, and was growing slower yet. Soon she would be as silent as the night. Soon…
A gruff voice. “One’s alive.”
They’re back, she thought, too tired to be frightened, they’re back to finish what they started.
But the words were not German. They were Russian—her language.
Had the townspeople dared return already, to take from the corpses what the invaders hadn’t pilfered? If so, she would not blame them. These were hard times all around.
The query seems solid enough to me.
I felt my brows rising at NKVD officer and proving someone has heart in the same sentence but well... if you are sure. xD
Thank you! He's not a very typical NKVD officer...although you may also use the interpretation that he's looking for Daniil's heart so he can stake it.
Damn if that one is true I want that book in my hands asap!
High five Soviet vampires! A question about the first 300: is Maria a stranger? Who's not senior enough to be called by her patronymic? It reads as oddly formal (in Russian) to call someone's full name. If that's the dead sister, I cannot think of a reason why she wouldn't call her a diminutive nickname.
The reason is probably western readers' struggles with diminutives in Slavic languages but I would say to the author that if readers managed to understand the complex web of names and nicknames and honorifics in multiple danmei books popular right now, they can brave the occasional Masha as well.
The reason was like the other commenter said, but I might just go with calling her masha. Thank you!
I remember this one. Great comps!
Ksenia’s story seems stronger than Daniil’s in the query. I have a clearer idea of what she wants and what’s in her way, and it seems like a more compelling arc. Daniil wants to be rid of his minder - does that mean he wants to escape? Or he just doesn’t want to be around an annoying person? Because if it’s the latter, it doesn’t feel as compelling as Ksenia hunting down her sister’s killer, and I wonder if the query would be stronger just focusing on her?
I’m not sure what the standard is for multi pov stories and queries, so that is just my uninformed opinion/question.
I hear you! The story is equally split between their two povs, and I’d like to think that his story is compelling, so I’ll have to play around with that part. Thanks so much for the feedback! Edit: the comps were heaven sent—I was browsing in my library and happened to stumble across the buffalo hunter hunter, and proceeded to devour it.
I definitely see the benefit of having both in the query then! Does the minder’s fixation on proving Daniil has a heart interfere with Daniil “proving himself” or with their survival? I think clarifying why the minder is an obstacle rather than just an annoyance would strengthen Daniil’s part of the query.
Love when timing works out and things fall into your lap!
"The unit is shattered, but not before Ksenia recognizes the golden eyes of the pack’s leader. The eyes of her sister’s killer." <---I assumed since she already only cared about that and she was here fighting that golden eyes was here too. So this wasn't an escalation to me. Maybe include something about her looking for her first chance to escape to hunt down said killer.
Similarly, Daniil's story doesn't have much change either. He still just has to deal with the same handler.
"As the front collapses around them both must decide not only what they are willing to destroy, but what they are willing to defend." <---This is a good line, but I'd like to see it shown. The characters at the beginning of the query seem to be the exact same at the end of the query. I'd like to see more movement on a meta level.
I find the first 300 pretty grabby, so good job.
I’m just going to say it.
I’m not sure that lionizing Stalin’s shockingly evil prison camps and rewriting history on the mass murder that occurred under the NKVD is going to be palatable.
Especially while Russia (led by former Stalinist operatives) is, at this very moment, trying to subject the Ukrainian people to the same type of violation.
Just because the Nazis were evil fucks doesn’t make the NKVD non- evil fucks.
I absolutely hear you, but the NKVD man and the NKVD as a whole are portrayed as the evil people they were. I’m going to make that clearer in the query. Thank you!
Idea is great and I think it has legs. My only concern about first 300 is I don’t feel like the picture or texture of the eastern front is painted fully and I feel like to execute this concept effectively you need to fully capture that texture just like the kindly ones or similar works
Thank you for your feedback! The first three hundred is from the perspective of someone very much disassociating and processing everything as minutiae, so she’s not really picking up the full texture. The rest of the story expands that a lot. Thanks again for the feedback!