Let me start by saying I used to be like you. I would beg my partner to slap me, burn me, degrade me. This is when I was a teenager and vulnerable and exposed to a lot of shit online, groomed by men my whole childhood. Misogyny everywhere in everyone. Little things like "boys will be boys" or "youre gonna be a heartbreaker when you're older" it gets into your head at a young age. Treating myself as a sexual object and my only attention and positive reinforcement was coming from men abusing me and manipulating me. Maybe because an emotionally neglectful/abusive home. Having no one to teach you whats right. Having no one to talk to about how you feel.
Its not normal, but it is common. Like, its not healthy or the default settings for humans. All healthy animals, including humans, avoid pain, and avoid danger. If a person is consciously putting themselves in danger, or harming themselves, or asking others to harm them, its not normal and its not healthy. Some label shit like that as "kinks" but if you just use critical thinking, you can deduct that its actually just a mental sickness. Its not natural or healthy for humans to derive pleasure from being harmed or harming others.
It sounds like you do have a lot of trauma, whether you can remember it or not. So yeah, I guess it could be a trauma response.
My advice is you need help. How you get that help is up to you, theres a lot of different things that can help. I personally can't really help you, idk enough and im not experienced or knowledgeable. Im not done healing myself. But You need to start your healing, and self discovery journey. You need support. Therapy will absolutely help, but if you can't access therapy, support groups. Theres a lot of free resources in america. You can probably find free therapy or counseling if you try hard enough and consistently over time. Never stop trying. Maybe r/loveafterporn has some helpful links on their menu. You just have to get online, google your specific thoughts and struggles. Find advice, learn, practice. You need to heal your brain. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to enjoy your life. You deserve to love yourself. No matter how traumatized or helpless you think you are, you can and will find help if you try. Keep trying. I used to feel and act just like you, healing isnt easy or fun but its soooo worth it. Its so worth it. And your past doesn't define you. Its never ever too late or too soon to change.
And for the love of god, dont listen to anyone or any sources that defend porn use, misogyny, etc. Finding help healing as a woman you're going to run into so much false information, misogyny, a porn and sex addicted society, basically advice that is disguised as helpful for women, but really is male-misogynist-centered. Times are always changing but tbh the majority of society is brainwashed by misogyny and dont even realize it, so as a woman trying to heal from misogyny its really hard. But you will find people like us, who are fucking sick of it and want to escape. Idk im rambling so much. I hope at least 1 thing I said is helpful for you. I wish you the best
I forgot to add dont listen to advice from anyone who recommends kink, fetish, bdsm, as healthy or helpful. Dont listen to people who tell you sexualizing yourself or sex is the answer. Dont listen to anyone who defends sexual abuse, even if its consensual. You are vulnerable and traumatized you dont need to be anywhere near those communities. Just always ask yourself is this belief system built off misogyny? Is it a part of the systematic abuse and sexualization of women? Those communities are the most harmful and toxic. Especially CNC. Please avoid CNC communities at all costs. That is just a rape fetish. Anyone willing to rape you, consensually or not, is not safe. Anyone defending or supporting rape, consensual or not, is not safe.
I'm confused by how this aligns with what you have posted on your profile about identifying as a "sadist" and "dominatrix." I hope this isn't a troll post when people here earnestly care and want to help.
If you have experienced abuse, I hope you're able to get help to process it. EMDR therapy often has great results.
You need to see a therapist girl, seeking pain in all aspects of your life is coming from somewhere.
Let me start by saying I used to be like you. I would beg my partner to slap me, burn me, degrade me. This is when I was a teenager and vulnerable and exposed to a lot of shit online, groomed by men my whole childhood. Misogyny everywhere in everyone. Little things like "boys will be boys" or "youre gonna be a heartbreaker when you're older" it gets into your head at a young age. Treating myself as a sexual object and my only attention and positive reinforcement was coming from men abusing me and manipulating me. Maybe because an emotionally neglectful/abusive home. Having no one to teach you whats right. Having no one to talk to about how you feel.
Its not normal, but it is common. Like, its not healthy or the default settings for humans. All healthy animals, including humans, avoid pain, and avoid danger. If a person is consciously putting themselves in danger, or harming themselves, or asking others to harm them, its not normal and its not healthy. Some label shit like that as "kinks" but if you just use critical thinking, you can deduct that its actually just a mental sickness. Its not natural or healthy for humans to derive pleasure from being harmed or harming others. It sounds like you do have a lot of trauma, whether you can remember it or not. So yeah, I guess it could be a trauma response.
My advice is you need help. How you get that help is up to you, theres a lot of different things that can help. I personally can't really help you, idk enough and im not experienced or knowledgeable. Im not done healing myself. But You need to start your healing, and self discovery journey. You need support. Therapy will absolutely help, but if you can't access therapy, support groups. Theres a lot of free resources in america. You can probably find free therapy or counseling if you try hard enough and consistently over time. Never stop trying. Maybe r/loveafterporn has some helpful links on their menu. You just have to get online, google your specific thoughts and struggles. Find advice, learn, practice. You need to heal your brain. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to enjoy your life. You deserve to love yourself. No matter how traumatized or helpless you think you are, you can and will find help if you try. Keep trying. I used to feel and act just like you, healing isnt easy or fun but its soooo worth it. Its so worth it. And your past doesn't define you. Its never ever too late or too soon to change. And for the love of god, dont listen to anyone or any sources that defend porn use, misogyny, etc. Finding help healing as a woman you're going to run into so much false information, misogyny, a porn and sex addicted society, basically advice that is disguised as helpful for women, but really is male-misogynist-centered. Times are always changing but tbh the majority of society is brainwashed by misogyny and dont even realize it, so as a woman trying to heal from misogyny its really hard. But you will find people like us, who are fucking sick of it and want to escape. Idk im rambling so much. I hope at least 1 thing I said is helpful for you. I wish you the best
I forgot to add dont listen to advice from anyone who recommends kink, fetish, bdsm, as healthy or helpful. Dont listen to people who tell you sexualizing yourself or sex is the answer. Dont listen to anyone who defends sexual abuse, even if its consensual. You are vulnerable and traumatized you dont need to be anywhere near those communities. Just always ask yourself is this belief system built off misogyny? Is it a part of the systematic abuse and sexualization of women? Those communities are the most harmful and toxic. Especially CNC. Please avoid CNC communities at all costs. That is just a rape fetish. Anyone willing to rape you, consensually or not, is not safe. Anyone defending or supporting rape, consensual or not, is not safe.
I'm confused by how this aligns with what you have posted on your profile about identifying as a "sadist" and "dominatrix." I hope this isn't a troll post when people here earnestly care and want to help.
If you have experienced abuse, I hope you're able to get help to process it. EMDR therapy often has great results.
You definitely aren't alone! I'd recommend a trauma therapist.
If you are actually here in good faith (which I sincerely doubt), get psychiatric help ASAP.
I was the same, for me it was 10p% a trauma response and a form of selfharm.
It took me time, love and therapy. I am now better. I suggest you also seek therapy, and to not engage in this kind of thing