And it doesn't feel like it is getting any easier. Got the call Saturday that her remains were ready to be picked up. Broke down sobbing with bag in hand as I walked out the door. Thought having her back at home in any capacity would bring some small amount of peace, but I still haven't found it.
I have so much guilt and I am filled with regrets. I didn't take many pictures over the last few months because she was mostly just sleeping. I have been pouring over Blink camera footage because it is all I have now of her last week. I shouldn't have went Christmas shopping those few hours on what ended up being her last day. I should have turned the camera on so I would have something from that day. I am so mad at myself. I try to rationalize and tell myself that she is gone and there is nothing I can do to change those things now, but that just seems to make it worse.
I don't know how to do this. I can't remember what life was like without her in it and it is so hard to be here without her now. Her regular vet said her body was failing her and there was no clear way forward at that point, but I can't help to think about the what ifs. 11 years and 7 months wasn't long enough. She didn't even make it the expected life expectancy range for her breed. I try to remind myself just how many health conditions she had, but she still had a strong, vibrant spirit despite it all and I hate that I had to be the one to decide to put it to rest. Does it get any easier as time passes?
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It does. And I just have to keep telling myself that. I lost my first dog to cancer when she was 16. Diagnosed in December 2020, euthanized when she could no longer stand in April. I had her from sophomore year of college until I turned 35. I felt like my heartbreak was immeasurably. I adopted what I thought was a 5-7 year old dog, and a little over 2 years after, he died due to 2 types of cancer. In some ways, I was more devastated by the time we didn't get to spend together. Last night, my 2 year old rescue that we only had 1 year was hit by a car and died instantly. Nether previous death compares to the shock and pain i am in now, but I keep reminding myself that it does get better. Over time, the days when I broke down sobbing became less frequent. I could think of happy memories without crying. I hate to think that I have to go through that again, but I know it gets better.
You can't hang on to the what-if's. It truly is our responsibility to try to shield our sweet babies from suffering and pain. You made the hardest choice but you know you made the right one.