I don’t know if ages are required or relevant here but I’m 29 Husband is 29 His colleague is 36 Her husband is 34
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I love him very much even now that I want a divorce I still love him. I found out about 3 months ago about his colleague when I visited his office and she was there. Apparently they have been working together for 5 years and they’re very good friends and yet I never heard about her until I saw her. Something didn’t feel right at all. Now I was paying more attention to his texting habits and yes he does text her almost every evening and a few times a day in weekends or when he’s working from home or on vacation.
I asked him why I never heard about this good friend of his and he said we rarely talked about work since I never understood his field. I hate playing games so I told him it was still odd that I’ve never heard about someone who he is on daily contact with. He gave me his phone and said that they haven’t been on daily contact constantly but it came in waves when she’s having troubles at home. I read their conversations and it’s a lot of joking around. Calling each other cute names. Her complaining about her sex life (jokingly). Her asking intimate questions about me. Her asking if I threw a good birthday party to him (his birthday was in on June 14th: this text stuck with me because he was texting her at the party and she answered “you must be bored at your own party or you wouldn’t be texting me instead of being with her (me)”. I told him that I didn’t find this back and forth texting appropriate and I considered it flirting. He was taken aback but said he would stop if it bothered me so much.
A month later it has started gradually again and I showed him that I wasn’t happy about it. This time he came home with HER to let her reassure me that nothing is happening between them. She was very ironic and disrespectful (according to me, thats her sense of humor according to him). She was smirking and basically telling me that if I had low self esteem and felt threatened by their friendship, it wasn’t her fault. When she left I told my husband that I never wanted to see or hear anything from or about her anymore and that if he would rather have her as a friend than me as a wife, that he should say so. They stopped texting.
We had a 3 week’s vacation and we spent it in Santorini. She probably texted 2-3 times a day. He answered her at the end of the day when I was in the shower or something. When I asked him why he said “she had marriage problems” I asked him if he was a marriage counselor on top of his career and he just laughed it off. When we came back home from Santorini we still had one week of vacation left. We went for a dinner and a movie (she probably knew because she was at the same restaurant later) we exchanged hello’s and she asked if we wanted to join them. I said yes. She was very pleasant and asked about our vacation. Touching my husband in a “friendly” way. I then asked how it was with them because I’ve heard from my husband that they were having marriage problems. All three froze. Her husband asked what? Who said that and I answered that it was my husband who told me. My husband tried to explain with some dumb excuses and I said but you showed me the texts she sent every day about her having problems but that I was sorry if I got the wrong idea. She looked very angrily at my husband.
When we got home he told me that I was out of line. I had enough by then. I asked him if they have slept together and he said only once before he even met me. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I’m thinking they’re having an affair. At least an emotional one. He denied it and called me silly wanting a divorce over texts with a friend.
Now I’ve been thinking about it for 2 weeks. And I’m adamant about my decision. I want a divorce. We’re not fighting but I asked him to move to the living room and I have refused intimacy and any type of physical connection. I spend more time out of the apartment. Work, work out and long walks. I spend a lot of time in a library or the movies (alone) and when I come home I’ve already eaten dinner. I just take a shower and go to bed. I have spoken to my mother about everything I’ve written here. She thinks I’m making a big fuss about nothing. And my in laws have heard about me asking for divorce from my husband and they also think I’m making a big fuss. I haven’t told anyone else yet because I’m not prepared to hear how immature and rushed my decision is. He has tried to talk about compromise. Stop being her friend, marriage counseling and even find another job or move to another city but my guts are telling me something is very very off and that marriage shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early.”
Notable comments
"I would be feeling the exact same way. Trust has been lost. Respect for you has been lost. And the fact he brought her to your home so you could meet her. I’m glad you got those comments in with her husband. Good luck to your future. I am positive you’ll be much better off and I’m sending good vibes."
OOP: I thought that too. He’s known her for 5 years and me 4 years and yet I never heard of her until 3 months ago. Someone so close to him that she could openly discuss her sex life with. NO!
"I’m confused why they were upset when you brought up marriage problems. Did she expect him not to share things with his wife? Idk divorce seems rushed if you still love him."
OOP: She probably didn’t know he told me or that she wasn’t discussing problems in her marriage with her own husband because he looked dumbfounded
"Damn girl! That's a queen move with the restaurant scene..You got them like deers in headlights. Imo, you're doing the most mature thing a scorned wife could ever do. And outing them in front of her husband was a good move. Maybe it wasn't intentional on your part but still that's the best way to do it. It's never too early for divorce. You had a gut feel and it turned out right, your mom and in-law were just speaking as moms would but I'm rooting for you OP. You deserve a good ma."
OOP: I was provoked by the touching like they were on a date and m and her husband were chaperones or something 🤷🏻♀️
"This woman is after your husband and he’s obviously not opposed to it. You’re completely right."
OOP: This was what I told him in one of our last talks. That she’s after him. And he’s at worst reciprocating her feelings and at best just enjoying the attention. Even then best is far from what I’m comfortable with. He said he is neither and I told him that he should stop lying to himself because I’m not buying it. At least have the decency to he truthful to yourself 🤷🏻♀️
"Why don't you let him just cut contact with her if he offered and save your marriage,? If that friendship is the only thing that's affecting your marriage, if he gets rid of her, there works be no problem. Isn't marriage supposed to be until death ( not problems) do you apart?"
OOP: He had 4 years to cut contact on his own and 3 months with me asking him
"Is there anything that he can do at this point to repair the relationship?
OOP: He is denying everything. Maybe if he took responsibility for some of his questionable actions but no he’s playing 100% innocent. He’s having an affair at worst or enjoying their flirting at best. He doesn’t want to admit even that
"Is he still trying to backpedal and get you back even now?"
OOP: He is. And he isn’t giving me anything to work with. Deny deny deny. At least admit to someone small like you’re enjoying the attention but no. He’s so innocent. And I have asked him about when he slept with her. She’s been married for 12 years. So if it truly was just that one time (I don’t buy it) he basically slept with a married woman😞💔 I thought he had better morals
"I might’ve of missed it but did you say how your husband responded when she made a joke about him being bored at his party? I really don’t think you’re being rash or making a big fuss because your husband has been so disrespectful towards you and your marriage by letting this woman take jabs at you and not telling you from the beginning about this friendship and their past relationship. I hope you are doing okay and I’m so sorry you’re going through this!"
OOP: Every time she would make a “joke” where I’m the bottom of it he just doesn’t answer. It wasn’t just about the party it happened multiple times, but the party stuck with me because I spent hours in the kitchen making delicious tapas for 25 ppl and I thought he was happy because he’s a foodie 🥹
OOP’s STBX posted his take today here. He originally looks for sympathy, but he finds none in the comments.
My wife is leaving because she thinks I’m unfaithful with my married coworker. I’m not. She wrote a post here that went viral
And now she got all the reassurance she needed to believe that she’s doing the right thing.
She’s the kindest, gentlest, funniest and most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. And I’m all hers.
I love her and I’ve never loved anyone like her. I’m hers mind, body, heart and soul. Everyone who knows us is shocked. Everyone who’s seen us together and been around us is saying that she’s lost her marbles. Yet she trusted internet strangers to tell her I’m bad news.
Notable comments
”You the dude who brought home the bitchy married coworker to gaslight your wife? The one who continu
This guy is going around saying his ex wife didn't "fight for us", guarantee it, even though only a fool would abandon their dignity and try to hang onto and argue with a dude who flirts daily with his former office romance affair partner.
Also love the "I respect her husband (won't take responsibility to tell him anything)" comment. Glib liar shit.
"I would do AN-Y-THING for love... but I won't stop texting my cowoker who I slept with once" Like, every part of this is nope. He slept with a cowoker on his first day, then found out she was married, then decided to stay friends with her and it was ok if he just never mentioned her to his wife? Then brought her over to his house to shame his wife into letting them stay friends (or get a threesome?), then agreed not to text her and decided if he just waited a few months and started again it would never be a problem? Just???
Guys like this never understand that when the straw breaks the camel's back the back stays broken. You can take all the straw off of it you like, the camel is dying and not going to get better. It's too late to take straw off. You can't just push and push and push and not destroy the love someone has for you. And honestly, even if she took him back and tried to make it work it would probably just be a few months before he was texting with this woman again, because he knew he had gotten away with it before. He can cry and moan for the rest of his life that he would have given everything to that marriage, but he's still not doing what she was asking for right then, which is admit to wrongdoing. My marriage ended like that, he was telling me he would beg on his knees for me, but he wouldn't admit that what he did was wrong (it was a felony) and abusive.
It is fundamentally because men do not believe a woman’s reasons are justified. He even said it himself ‘i thought my wife had no reason to doubt our love’ - he knew she had a problem with it but the problem wasn’t justified from his point of view so therefore it wasn’t a big deal and it didn’t matter. It’s the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness at its root, she has a reason but the reason isn’t good enough so i’ll just ignore her and eventually she’ll just get over it. She won’t leave because it’s just a silly little thing.
These men think the only thing that matters is physical, if he didn’t physically cheat then it’s fine. If he didn’t physically abuse her then it’s fine. Emotional cheating or abuse isn’t a good enough reason, that can be fixed, she can’t leave because it’s not physical.
I once dated a guy who was a lot like this one. I eventually got to the conclusion that he genuinely didn't see a difference between his opinion and universal reality. I thought something, but he "knew" I was wrong, so there was nothing to discuss, and I didn't have the "right" to act according to my wrong feelings. If someone thinks like that, they can also justify absolutely any behavior as long as they can convince themselves it's right. A lot of predatory men argue that since they "know" they had "good intentions", scaring or outright assaulting a woman is fine actually and she shouldn't have a problem with it. Because their own mind is all there is. If it doesn't hurt him, it can't be hurting anyone.
I don't even think I was the last woman to shock my ex by leaving him despite him being "objectively right" that I shouldn't. It's a truly bizarre experience watching that level of delusion unfold. Even when it doesn't get to the point of "it's not assault if I don't think of myself as a batterer".
"I would do AN-Y-THING for love... but I won't stop texting my cowoker who I slept with once"
If he had just stopped responding to her and blocked her that would have solved a lot of problems from the get-go, but apparently that was too much to do.
Everybody seems to be accepting his statement that he only slept with the coworker once. What are the odds? This was more likely an ongoing sexual relationship.
As a guy who has been married for a very long time and has always had mostly women friends, the fact that he was close to her to the point of discussing intimate things, had sex together, and he never chose to disclose that friendship - that is a MASSIVE red flag.
Yeah. I think you can be friends with people who you’ve had sex with and that you can also discuss intimate stuff with friends. But why lie about it?
And yes, not telling your wife about a friend whom you talk to and message daily is lying. There is a reason why he hid it. And now he is doing everything except cutting this ‘friend’ off. He knows what he is doing.
Regardless of anything else, its wild to be surprised that you are getting divorced after you keep texting someone your spouse asked you to stop texting.
If its BS, nothing was happening and your wife was being controlling for making you stop texting, divorce is really appropriate!
Or if she really means nothing to you... stop texting.
Like I can see refusing a spouses demand to cut somwone off, but you cant be surprised you get divorced after that, especially if the person is a gender you are sexually/ romantically attracted to.
He's talking like a six-year-old. I said sorry, why is she still mad at me?!
It is perfectly reasonable to accept someone's apology whilst at the same time using the information their behaviour gave you. Thank you for apologising; I will not put myself in that position again.
He's said "sorry" but never for what, then did nothing to prove it meant anything and everything to prove those were just words till she was done. Not sure that's an apology at all.
To me, a good apology, one I will be quick to accept, includes some self reflection in with the taking responsibility. He did neither but wanted words and a short-term appeasement action to be enough for her to ignore his office flirt.
Sorry doesn't unfuck a colleague, or unfuck a marriage.
I've known way too many people, mostly men, who think it's a magic word that undoes whatever they did wrong and that that's all that's needed to make it better... or at least all that's needed to shut women up
I love how he "didn't know" that they were married when they slept together, but after he found out he was all, "Yes, this is a person who would be good to have in my life socially."
If I learned that someone cheated with me on their partner, I'd delete their number, coworker or not. Professional contact required to complete tasks only.
“It’s the most difficult decision I’ve ever taken and it hurts so much because I miss him but sometimes we need to take difficult decisions”
This is the truest. The people trying to ask her if there’s any way to keep the relationship are wild to me. He brought a coworker that jumped his bones DAY ONE to her home and allowed the woman to sneer at his wife and just said “it’s her sense of humor”, and THEN the trickle truths came out. And then we find this woman has time to text her old fuck buddy when she ls married with small children?
Nope. She’s not silly, she’s not making a big fuss out of nothing, she’s saving herself from a life of disrespect in her own home with the person who’s supposed to care for her the most. Just no.
How is it not clear to this dude that your wife not knowing at ALL about a woman you’ve slept with, text almost every single day with, and have known longer than her is going to make her really suspicious?? Oh also you refuse to stop talking with her and she shit talks your wife as well as her own husband. Like how can it be any clearer for this moron….
Two main issues STBX demonstrated: Lack of honesty/candor with OOP, and lack of respect for her (which probably contributed to the first). Everything else stems from those, and he's too busy trying to "deny deny deny" to address them. I've got to support OOP's call here - respect and communication are the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and they were clearly absent on his end from the very beginning.
So many of these tales of marital troubles read like people that jumped into marriage way too quickly. This one, they've "been together 4 years", and from the rest of the post that sounds like the total length of the relationship rather than just the marriage. On the plus side, that means they were ~25, so at least their brains were probably done cooking, but it also means that they probably didn't spend nearly enough time really getting to know one another. That's not to say that early marriages can't work, it's just that the risks are a lot greater when the couple doesn't fully know each other (or even themselves) yet.
I'm betting he was so eager to "fix things" because his office flirt has gone cold after OP asked about their marriage problems. She was dealing with her own stuff, plus angry at him for revealing her texts to his wife. Emotional affair partner thought she had power over his wife and lost.
He didn't even defend his wife to this coworker when she was talking shit. He didn't even say "I love my party and she made excellent food" or whatever. And why was he texting her during the party if he didn't feel anything? He's such an obvious liar and, like OP said, is also lying to himself. Couple's therapy wouldn't even be helpful. People really misunderstand what therapy, and couple's therapy, is like. The therapist can't call him a liar and a cheater and point out he's being a jerk. The therapist is supposed to create a safe space for both parties and are just supposed to ask leading questions that are non-judgmental.
I hope OOP took screenshots of all the texts and send it to the coworker's husband so he can see what is being said and what is happening. And the husband doubling down on the fact the coworker should be telling the husband about the affair, not him, provides further evidence that is he is an untrustworthy coward. I bet OOP has been ignoring a lot of red flags over the years.
He keeps saying he isn't telling the husband that he fucked his wife out of "respect". As if it was "respectful" to sit down at a restaurant with him and let his wife paw at him like a bear at a bag full of Twinkies. He fucking KNOWS what he did wrong. He just thinks he should be allowed to get away with it.
These slow marriage deaths are so difficult to communicate to people who don't put thought into these things
Despite that OP did a great job describing her experience
The husband's post is just sad. He seems to be set on twisting reality to pretend he is a victim of OP being overzealous and manipulated by strangers online... it's so ironic that if he took responsibility for his actions he could have easily saved his marriage
It’s not even that he carried on texting her for 3 months. He slept with this woman the first day he met her. They’ve been “close friends” at work for 12 years. He’s basically had an emotional affair for their entire relationship
The husband should have had an actual conversation with her about the coworker when she wanted him to stop or actually stop if he wants to stay with her, but OOP strikes me as the type of person to call it cheating if her husband talks to his sister regularly
A year before he met his wife, and it doesn't sound like it was that impactful an experience
Really? Cause from here it seems like it was a key part of his coming divorce. He has no boundaries from the woman, didn't own up to working with someone he had sex with, and also admitted he slept with a married woman. Seems like he's not the person he's been pretending to be.
I don't tell my spouse about every conversation I have, but if I'm communicating with someone regularly (eg my bestie and I message most days) then he knows her fucking name as an absolute minimum, I don't hide that I'm messaging her, and it's very likely I forward good memes between them.
Especially if the person I’m regularly talking to is someone who I’ve previously fucked, despite them being married. He didn’t mention her for a reason.
Well, maybe if her husband had sex with his sister (while she was married), texts her every day, laughs while she mocks his wife, is rude to her in person, etc, etc. then she would probably be justified in thinking that it is probably cheating
Or shes already gone through all the emotions in the past few months and now shes just left with the determination. Currently separating and that’s where I am now. I’m sure everyone thinks im cold, but the fact is they just didn’t see the period where i was completely falling apart.
That's not cold, that's fight or flight. Probably flight. Flight is where your feelings shut off and you coldly and obsessively make plans and lists in your head about what you need to do next to extricate your butt from the situation.
The later comments she makes read as sad to me, though. Not cold, sad.
Per our rules, don't comment on linked posts. Anyone from this community who is caught brigading on another subreddit will be banned.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
OOP’s post from 5 days ago (thanks /u/tiemeupinribbons!) here:
I don’t know if ages are required or relevant here but I’m 29 Husband is 29 His colleague is 36 Her husband is 34
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I love him very much even now that I want a divorce I still love him. I found out about 3 months ago about his colleague when I visited his office and she was there. Apparently they have been working together for 5 years and they’re very good friends and yet I never heard about her until I saw her. Something didn’t feel right at all. Now I was paying more attention to his texting habits and yes he does text her almost every evening and a few times a day in weekends or when he’s working from home or on vacation.
I asked him why I never heard about this good friend of his and he said we rarely talked about work since I never understood his field. I hate playing games so I told him it was still odd that I’ve never heard about someone who he is on daily contact with. He gave me his phone and said that they haven’t been on daily contact constantly but it came in waves when she’s having troubles at home. I read their conversations and it’s a lot of joking around. Calling each other cute names. Her complaining about her sex life (jokingly). Her asking intimate questions about me. Her asking if I threw a good birthday party to him (his birthday was in on June 14th: this text stuck with me because he was texting her at the party and she answered “you must be bored at your own party or you wouldn’t be texting me instead of being with her (me)”. I told him that I didn’t find this back and forth texting appropriate and I considered it flirting. He was taken aback but said he would stop if it bothered me so much.
A month later it has started gradually again and I showed him that I wasn’t happy about it. This time he came home with HER to let her reassure me that nothing is happening between them. She was very ironic and disrespectful (according to me, thats her sense of humor according to him). She was smirking and basically telling me that if I had low self esteem and felt threatened by their friendship, it wasn’t her fault. When she left I told my husband that I never wanted to see or hear anything from or about her anymore and that if he would rather have her as a friend than me as a wife, that he should say so. They stopped texting.
We had a 3 week’s vacation and we spent it in Santorini. She probably texted 2-3 times a day. He answered her at the end of the day when I was in the shower or something. When I asked him why he said “she had marriage problems” I asked him if he was a marriage counselor on top of his career and he just laughed it off. When we came back home from Santorini we still had one week of vacation left. We went for a dinner and a movie (she probably knew because she was at the same restaurant later) we exchanged hello’s and she asked if we wanted to join them. I said yes. She was very pleasant and asked about our vacation. Touching my husband in a “friendly” way. I then asked how it was with them because I’ve heard from my husband that they were having marriage problems. All three froze. Her husband asked what? Who said that and I answered that it was my husband who told me. My husband tried to explain with some dumb excuses and I said but you showed me the texts she sent every day about her having problems but that I was sorry if I got the wrong idea. She looked very angrily at my husband.
When we got home he told me that I was out of line. I had enough by then. I asked him if they have slept together and he said only once before he even met me. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I’m thinking they’re having an affair. At least an emotional one. He denied it and called me silly wanting a divorce over texts with a friend.
Now I’ve been thinking about it for 2 weeks. And I’m adamant about my decision. I want a divorce. We’re not fighting but I asked him to move to the living room and I have refused intimacy and any type of physical connection. I spend more time out of the apartment. Work, work out and long walks. I spend a lot of time in a library or the movies (alone) and when I come home I’ve already eaten dinner. I just take a shower and go to bed. I have spoken to my mother about everything I’ve written here. She thinks I’m making a big fuss about nothing. And my in laws have heard about me asking for divorce from my husband and they also think I’m making a big fuss. I haven’t told anyone else yet because I’m not prepared to hear how immature and rushed my decision is. He has tried to talk about compromise. Stop being her friend, marriage counseling and even find another job or move to another city but my guts are telling me something is very very off and that marriage shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early.”
Notable comments
OOP: I thought that too. He’s known her for 5 years and me 4 years and yet I never heard of her until 3 months ago. Someone so close to him that she could openly discuss her sex life with. NO!
OOP: She probably didn’t know he told me or that she wasn’t discussing problems in her marriage with her own husband because he looked dumbfounded
OOP: I was provoked by the touching like they were on a date and m and her husband were chaperones or something 🤷🏻♀️
OOP: This was what I told him in one of our last talks. That she’s after him. And he’s at worst reciprocating her feelings and at best just enjoying the attention. Even then best is far from what I’m comfortable with. He said he is neither and I told him that he should stop lying to himself because I’m not buying it. At least have the decency to he truthful to yourself 🤷🏻♀️
OOP: He had 4 years to cut contact on his own and 3 months with me asking him
OOP: He is denying everything. Maybe if he took responsibility for some of his questionable actions but no he’s playing 100% innocent. He’s having an affair at worst or enjoying their flirting at best. He doesn’t want to admit even that
OOP: He is. And he isn’t giving me anything to work with. Deny deny deny. At least admit to someone small like you’re enjoying the attention but no. He’s so innocent. And I have asked him about when he slept with her. She’s been married for 12 years. So if it truly was just that one time (I don’t buy it) he basically slept with a married woman😞💔 I thought he had better morals
OOP: Every time she would make a “joke” where I’m the bottom of it he just doesn’t answer. It wasn’t just about the party it happened multiple times, but the party stuck with me because I spent hours in the kitchen making delicious tapas for 25 ppl and I thought he was happy because he’s a foodie 🥹
OOP’s STBX posted his take today here. He originally looks for sympathy, but he finds none in the comments.
My wife is leaving because she thinks I’m unfaithful with my married coworker. I’m not. She wrote a post here that went viral
And now she got all the reassurance she needed to believe that she’s doing the right thing.
She’s the kindest, gentlest, funniest and most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. And I’m all hers.
I love her and I’ve never loved anyone like her. I’m hers mind, body, heart and soul. Everyone who knows us is shocked. Everyone who’s seen us together and been around us is saying that she’s lost her marbles. Yet she trusted internet strangers to tell her I’m bad news.
Notable comments
This guy is going around saying his ex wife didn't "fight for us", guarantee it, even though only a fool would abandon their dignity and try to hang onto and argue with a dude who flirts daily with his former office romance affair partner.
Also love the "I respect her husband (won't take responsibility to tell him anything)" comment. Glib liar shit.
"I don't want to get punched in the face."
Ding ding ding. We have the winner!
"I would do AN-Y-THING for love... but I won't stop texting my cowoker who I slept with once" Like, every part of this is nope. He slept with a cowoker on his first day, then found out she was married, then decided to stay friends with her and it was ok if he just never mentioned her to his wife? Then brought her over to his house to shame his wife into letting them stay friends (or get a threesome?), then agreed not to text her and decided if he just waited a few months and started again it would never be a problem? Just???
Guys like this never understand that when the straw breaks the camel's back the back stays broken. You can take all the straw off of it you like, the camel is dying and not going to get better. It's too late to take straw off. You can't just push and push and push and not destroy the love someone has for you. And honestly, even if she took him back and tried to make it work it would probably just be a few months before he was texting with this woman again, because he knew he had gotten away with it before. He can cry and moan for the rest of his life that he would have given everything to that marriage, but he's still not doing what she was asking for right then, which is admit to wrongdoing. My marriage ended like that, he was telling me he would beg on his knees for me, but he wouldn't admit that what he did was wrong (it was a felony) and abusive.
That's a flair right there.
Yes, brilliant wording. I have put it away for future use.
It is fundamentally because men do not believe a woman’s reasons are justified. He even said it himself ‘i thought my wife had no reason to doubt our love’ - he knew she had a problem with it but the problem wasn’t justified from his point of view so therefore it wasn’t a big deal and it didn’t matter. It’s the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness at its root, she has a reason but the reason isn’t good enough so i’ll just ignore her and eventually she’ll just get over it. She won’t leave because it’s just a silly little thing.
These men think the only thing that matters is physical, if he didn’t physically cheat then it’s fine. If he didn’t physically abuse her then it’s fine. Emotional cheating or abuse isn’t a good enough reason, that can be fixed, she can’t leave because it’s not physical.
I once dated a guy who was a lot like this one. I eventually got to the conclusion that he genuinely didn't see a difference between his opinion and universal reality. I thought something, but he "knew" I was wrong, so there was nothing to discuss, and I didn't have the "right" to act according to my wrong feelings. If someone thinks like that, they can also justify absolutely any behavior as long as they can convince themselves it's right. A lot of predatory men argue that since they "know" they had "good intentions", scaring or outright assaulting a woman is fine actually and she shouldn't have a problem with it. Because their own mind is all there is. If it doesn't hurt him, it can't be hurting anyone.
I don't even think I was the last woman to shock my ex by leaving him despite him being "objectively right" that I shouldn't. It's a truly bizarre experience watching that level of delusion unfold. Even when it doesn't get to the point of "it's not assault if I don't think of myself as a batterer".
And that's how many men like this get the painful end of many things, or "died of mysterious causes".
And you know that music video wouldnt be nearly as good as Meatloafs!
If he had just stopped responding to her and blocked her that would have solved a lot of problems from the get-go, but apparently that was too much to do.
She didn't "fight for them."
He didn't drop his coworker to save his marriage.
Only one of these people is at fault.
Lmao who is this dude fooling.
Why didn’t he ever bring up his closest work friend (who he fucked the first day they met) to his wife? Ever? In 4 years?
Obviously, cuz he knew how their dynamic was fucked up, he knew it was never innocent, that’s why she got the Voldemort treatment
Everybody seems to be accepting his statement that he only slept with the coworker once. What are the odds? This was more likely an ongoing sexual relationship.
Because it doesn't really matter. He was clearly romantically involved with her.
The rest is just the cherry on top, which you can leave off andstill have a shit dessert
I respect her husband, but not enough to tell him we slept together as soon as I found out he existed - this guy, probably
As a guy who has been married for a very long time and has always had mostly women friends, the fact that he was close to her to the point of discussing intimate things, had sex together, and he never chose to disclose that friendship - that is a MASSIVE red flag.
Yeah. I think you can be friends with people who you’ve had sex with and that you can also discuss intimate stuff with friends. But why lie about it?
And yes, not telling your wife about a friend whom you talk to and message daily is lying. There is a reason why he hid it. And now he is doing everything except cutting this ‘friend’ off. He knows what he is doing.
He may not have loved this co-worker, but he definitely loved the attention she brought him.
Hope OOP is doing well.
Regardless of anything else, its wild to be surprised that you are getting divorced after you keep texting someone your spouse asked you to stop texting.
"But, but, but, but she didn't mean anything to me."
"So why didn't you stop texting her?"
Yeah and like...
If its BS, nothing was happening and your wife was being controlling for making you stop texting, divorce is really appropriate!
Or if she really means nothing to you... stop texting.
Like I can see refusing a spouses demand to cut somwone off, but you cant be surprised you get divorced after that, especially if the person is a gender you are sexually/ romantically attracted to.
Well it would have been rude to not reply to her during my birthday party!
Because her husband couldn't satisfy her sexully barf.
It's always someone else's fault.
ding ding ding this is it!
"The divorce came out of nowhere!" ~ OOPs STBX
He knew what he was doing, people like that very rarely own up to their mistakes, he will go to his grave insisting he did nothing wrong.
He had an emotional affair at the very least and he is refusing to see it.
He's talking like a six-year-old. I said sorry, why is she still mad at me?!
It is perfectly reasonable to accept someone's apology whilst at the same time using the information their behaviour gave you. Thank you for apologising; I will not put myself in that position again.
He's said "sorry" but never for what, then did nothing to prove it meant anything and everything to prove those were just words till she was done. Not sure that's an apology at all.
To me, a good apology, one I will be quick to accept, includes some self reflection in with the taking responsibility. He did neither but wanted words and a short-term appeasement action to be enough for her to ignore his office flirt.
Sorry doesn't unfuck a colleague, or unfuck a marriage.
I've known way too many people, mostly men, who think it's a magic word that undoes whatever they did wrong and that that's all that's needed to make it better... or at least all that's needed to shut women up
I love how he "didn't know" that they were married when they slept together, but after he found out he was all, "Yes, this is a person who would be good to have in my life socially."
If I learned that someone cheated with me on their partner, I'd delete their number, coworker or not. Professional contact required to complete tasks only.
When they screwed around on his FIRST DAY. He's not showing great judgement then or now.
Even though I read BORU all the time, I never realized my comment got featured in this one. Was shocked to see. my handle in a 3 year old post.
As the only one! Behold the Ancient One!
I had this happen in one of those Reddit story videos on Instagram. I was like “that person has the same opinion as me. Word for word. Wait.”
I understand that the posts on the internet can be read and used, but it was still jarring.
Boo that ex deleted his account. Hate it when they do that; makes it difficult to find comments. You know he was in there fighting for his life lol.
“It’s the most difficult decision I’ve ever taken and it hurts so much because I miss him but sometimes we need to take difficult decisions”
This is the truest. The people trying to ask her if there’s any way to keep the relationship are wild to me. He brought a coworker that jumped his bones DAY ONE to her home and allowed the woman to sneer at his wife and just said “it’s her sense of humor”, and THEN the trickle truths came out. And then we find this woman has time to text her old fuck buddy when she ls married with small children?
Nope. She’s not silly, she’s not making a big fuss out of nothing, she’s saving herself from a life of disrespect in her own home with the person who’s supposed to care for her the most. Just no.
STBX (I assume now just “EX”) would rather lose his “amazing” marriage than acknowledge he was wrong in any way. What a moron.
Finally found out what STBX means.
How is it not clear to this dude that your wife not knowing at ALL about a woman you’ve slept with, text almost every single day with, and have known longer than her is going to make her really suspicious?? Oh also you refuse to stop talking with her and she shit talks your wife as well as her own husband. Like how can it be any clearer for this moron….
Shit talks the wife to her face too if you count that ambush
"It's not an affair! We only had sex once!"
But I don’t have feelings for her. But I won’t stop talking to her. Why are you mad?
Two main issues STBX demonstrated: Lack of honesty/candor with OOP, and lack of respect for her (which probably contributed to the first). Everything else stems from those, and he's too busy trying to "deny deny deny" to address them. I've got to support OOP's call here - respect and communication are the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and they were clearly absent on his end from the very beginning.
So many of these tales of marital troubles read like people that jumped into marriage way too quickly. This one, they've "been together 4 years", and from the rest of the post that sounds like the total length of the relationship rather than just the marriage. On the plus side, that means they were ~25, so at least their brains were probably done cooking, but it also means that they probably didn't spend nearly enough time really getting to know one another. That's not to say that early marriages can't work, it's just that the risks are a lot greater when the couple doesn't fully know each other (or even themselves) yet.
Yet another person (the original OOP's ex) who needs to learn love is a verb.
I'm betting he was so eager to "fix things" because his office flirt has gone cold after OP asked about their marriage problems. She was dealing with her own stuff, plus angry at him for revealing her texts to his wife. Emotional affair partner thought she had power over his wife and lost.
Awesome for OOP!!!
I get tired of reading stories from women who have no spine to just walk away
He didn't even defend his wife to this coworker when she was talking shit. He didn't even say "I love my party and she made excellent food" or whatever. And why was he texting her during the party if he didn't feel anything? He's such an obvious liar and, like OP said, is also lying to himself. Couple's therapy wouldn't even be helpful. People really misunderstand what therapy, and couple's therapy, is like. The therapist can't call him a liar and a cheater and point out he's being a jerk. The therapist is supposed to create a safe space for both parties and are just supposed to ask leading questions that are non-judgmental.
I hope OOP took screenshots of all the texts and send it to the coworker's husband so he can see what is being said and what is happening. And the husband doubling down on the fact the coworker should be telling the husband about the affair, not him, provides further evidence that is he is an untrustworthy coward. I bet OOP has been ignoring a lot of red flags over the years.
Oh brother this guy stinks!
Is anyone else even a little curious about the "young kids"?????? Any of them his??????
"Everyone who knows us thinks she lost her marbles" Sure, sure gaslighter.
He keeps saying he isn't telling the husband that he fucked his wife out of "respect". As if it was "respectful" to sit down at a restaurant with him and let his wife paw at him like a bear at a bag full of Twinkies. He fucking KNOWS what he did wrong. He just thinks he should be allowed to get away with it.
Yeah, the actually respectful thing to do is let the husband know.
When the other party suddenly turns up with their own post, I’m instantly suspicious.
Me too
These slow marriage deaths are so difficult to communicate to people who don't put thought into these things
Despite that OP did a great job describing her experience
The husband's post is just sad. He seems to be set on twisting reality to pretend he is a victim of OP being overzealous and manipulated by strangers online... it's so ironic that if he took responsibility for his actions he could have easily saved his marriage
It’s not even that he carried on texting her for 3 months. He slept with this woman the first day he met her. They’ve been “close friends” at work for 12 years. He’s basically had an emotional affair for their entire relationship
I love how the EX was like “HOW DARE HELPFUL PEOPLE TELL MY WIFE HOW TO FEEL AND THINK THATS MY JOB” I hope he lost everything
The husband should have had an actual conversation with her about the coworker when she wanted him to stop or actually stop if he wants to stay with her, but OOP strikes me as the type of person to call it cheating if her husband talks to his sister regularly
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Also, if his sister is trash talking me and he's not shutting that shit down that's also a huge fucking problem!
Do you tell you spouse every single conversation you ever have? Because otherwise by your logic you're gaslighting them
I'm just saying, hopefully her next husband doesn't have a mom because that will be an emotional affair to her
Do you just like not see the part where he'd had sex with this coworker? A married woman?
A year before he met his wife, and it doesn't sound like it was that impactful an experience
He was secret texting her during his birthday/ vacation with his wife, and kept doing so long after being asked to stop.
Really? Cause from here it seems like it was a key part of his coming divorce. He has no boundaries from the woman, didn't own up to working with someone he had sex with, and also admitted he slept with a married woman. Seems like he's not the person he's been pretending to be.
He was the affair partner for the other women. So it is more than an emotional afffair.
I don't tell my spouse about every conversation I have, but if I'm communicating with someone regularly (eg my bestie and I message most days) then he knows her fucking name as an absolute minimum, I don't hide that I'm messaging her, and it's very likely I forward good memes between them.
Especially if the person I’m regularly talking to is someone who I’ve previously fucked, despite them being married. He didn’t mention her for a reason.
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Your post or comment has been removed for being deliberately inflammatory or an obvious trolling attempt.
That's not even close to the same thing.
If the mom is talking to the next husband about her sex life, then yes, it probably will be a very disturbing emotional affair.
😮💨🙄
Well, maybe if her husband had sex with his sister (while she was married), texts her every day, laughs while she mocks his wife, is rude to her in person, etc, etc. then she would probably be justified in thinking that it is probably cheating
He's very dumb, but she's very cold, and it's totally at odds with how he describes his wife. It's like two strangers were married.
How is she cold?
Oh FFS...OR SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE EXPECTS FROM A SPOUSE!!!!
Or shes already gone through all the emotions in the past few months and now shes just left with the determination. Currently separating and that’s where I am now. I’m sure everyone thinks im cold, but the fact is they just didn’t see the period where i was completely falling apart.
That's not cold, that's fight or flight. Probably flight. Flight is where your feelings shut off and you coldly and obsessively make plans and lists in your head about what you need to do next to extricate your butt from the situation.
The later comments she makes read as sad to me, though. Not cold, sad.
No, it's his actions causing her behavior to him to change. That's how people are.