Friendship has always been something of wonder to me. I've had friends come and go in my life and some stayed, and I made closer friendships along the way. My circle is quite small and cosy.

What led me to write this post particularly is thinking about the difference in what effort looks like to each one of us.

In my closest friendship (my diagnosis is audd (autism + add) - I know that add falls under adhd but I recognise the differing aspects) and my friend's is adhd); even with communication and trying to ask for what I need it still is a struggle to meet halfway while I was able to meet her where she is in regards to that. She's not a texter and prefers audio/calls and I prefer texts but am able to compensate with calls and calls are our main way of staying in touch.

What remains challenging for me is the gap left when it comes to other means of communication. We do exchange messages but it always seemed to me that she'd message when she has something to send. I share things with her via text or a short message and no matter their importance they go unnoticed or just unanswered. And I could bring her attention to them but thats unsustainable and can bring more stress. I can bring it up in calls but I also would struggle with that because idk how our energy would be and what capacity either of us would have in our next call. Many times we'd be on a call body-doubling/co-existing or chatting and I lose my sense of space. I forget and/or struggle in taking space. I've tried telling her how i feel and asking her to acknowledge my messages without replying, just a way to let me know shes seen it - she never does. She told me she uses snapchat and told me to join - I joined Snapchat for her and for us to communicate, then when she would usually send ceiling pics for streaks and only or a selfie every once in a while or post a story on a good day, and she'd ask me to send a streak, it felt impersonal to me. I brought up why she send black background snaps and she told me snap is basically for you to know i'm still alive. We both have our own mental struggles but I feel disappointed about our communication. She explained that everyone's effort looks different and it might seem that shes not making effort even if she is. I started to reflect more on the way I ask for what I need and for any shortcomings on my behalf. I started to feel that our communication is mostly catering her and/or happens according to her needs. I spoke my need and asked how she could meet me somewhere in the middle. Nothing really changed. Now I'm learning to believe that and not hope for anything else or anything more.

When it comes to effort, I feel that effort has become optional in relationships. Yes close relationships should bring comfort and safety but how would it grow and blossom if we dont put effort into it by consciously reaching out and spending time and having meaningful co-existing/conversations/experiences?

When someone says that that's how a close relationship should be, you dont have to reach out and when you do you catch up. I believe in this too. I believe that close relationships are ones that can flow naturally yet... I learned that I need my close relationships (im talking about close and not casual friends or less than that) to be nurturing, caring, inquisitive/reflective, and helps us both grow.

I've grown so much along my friend and she has too. I've just been struggling with this.