First I just want to apologize if this hurts anyone feelings. I dont want to diagnose myself and I dont want to say "everyone's a lil ADD." I just was never allowed to dig deeper into why i struggle as a kid and ive been having a lot of realizations lately and I cant stop everything from spilling out.
I'm spiraling because I feel like I can't trust any of my thoughts. I constantly lie about embarrasing situations to make my overreactions make sense. I lied so much to my therapist before I ran out of money to see her. I was trying so hard to make a case to her that I was suffering that I didnt realize that i should have told her about all the embarrasing struggles my mom said were just my personality. My therapist said she was pretty certain I have cptsd and probably neurodivergent before I ran out of money. And before i got a true diagnosis.
If I'm not neurodivergent, nothing makes sense.
I go back to see my therapist in a couple weeks. Im so worried that I'll tell her about everything I didn't say the first time and that she'll just say, "oh well thats normal thats just your personality." Or "oh well your parents were monsters thats why" when they werent really these horrible monsters they just never listened to me when I said I was hurting and different from the other kids.
Edit: this post might not make a lot of sense without this context::
My mom was way harder on me than on my brother. I cried so much as a kid. I would get overwhelmed so easily especially at places like buffets where I had to make a quick choice or big grocery stores. I still do. I cant remember much of elementary school, but from what I do remember I would focus on making eye contact to show I was listening and then not be able to hear what the teacher was saying. I still do this. The longer I stayed in school the harder it got until I had to drop out in college because I literally couldnt do it. I couldnt force myself to do the homework I couldn't remember to eat I couldnt force myself or remember to go to the bathroom. (I literally peed myself in front of my mom in college one time and she was just like oh thats not that big a deal its okay everybody does that). I usually could only do the homework if I was just freaking out and crying the whole time.
After being out of the house for years, I've just started my 4th "dream job" that was going to fix everything! and then the second I didnt get the immediate validation I just lost interest. Literally cant go in my whole body hurts trying to force myself to do it. Not in a omg this is so hard im so scared of screwing up way just in a what the fuck is wrong with me why can't I ever stay consistent with any of my interests.
I cant keep my house clean i cant be consistent with hobbies I cant keep track of time or of anything unless im freaking out which, im freaking out a lot so that does help.
Obviously, no one on the internet can diagnose you, but everything you describe sure sounds like neurodivergence. As an undiagnosed autistic/ADHD kid who grew up and felt basically everything you describe, and only got diagnosed very late in life after my kids were diagnosed, I can tell you that a good therapist isn’t going to say it’s just your personality or that your parents were monsters. If they do, you’re seeing the wrong therapist.
I have gone through many emotions over my parents and their behavior toward me, and as a parent myself now, I can see how hard it must have been to parent while still dealing with their own traumas, and being undiagnosed, how all that NT Supremacy was internalized and informed their positions on how to survive/get by.
The biggest takeaway I have from the whole experience is to encourage my kids to live for themselves and not have kids. Not because I don’t love them, but because I do, and raising ND kids as an ND parent in an NT-Supremacist world…isn’t good for ANYONE.
Nothing is going to “fix” everything btw. Short of getting a lamp and a genie pops up offering g you three wishes and your first wish is to end NT supremacy and live in a world where ND folks are treated as equals with systems in place that create environments that are hospitable to ALL humans, you’re stuck in a world that devalues and oppresses you at every turn and then blames you for it.
So, stop trying to do the impossible and start looking for ways you can accommodate yourself better in this flawed and oppressive environment. Finding careers with greater autonomy, focusing on your strengths and tasks that can sustain your interest, or careers with enough diversity or immediacy that keep those dopamine hits coming so you maintain focus throughout the workday.
And it’s not fair, and takes effort, but it is crucial that you build personal care into your routine so you are getting enough nutrients, sensory input, and sleep to keep you regulated.
Good luck to you - you don’t need a formal diagnosis to recognize yourself it to start helping yourself and finding practitioners who specialize in working with ND people in a trauma-informed manner.
I'm not sure how to move forward. Everybody that I've somewhat opened up to about this tells me the same thing. The problem is I think a defining characteristic of my trauma is that I was not allowed to label anything. Not even my emotions. My mother constantly told me that if I was struggling with school enough to be neurodivergent I'd need caretakers.
So I feel desperately that a label would give me so much power that was taken from me. Id finally be proven right. There'd be no ambiguity no amount of gaslighting internally or externally would take it away from me. I could finally move forward knowing why I cant do everything everyone else seems to do so easily. And then knowing how to work on it instead of failing over and over again
It’s understandable to WANT that affirmation. But consider this: the people who are making you feel like you don’t have a right to label yourself, when you clearly KNOW in your bones that you are neurodivergent…THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. Not you! And if I were a betting person (and had money to spare), I’d bet a fortune that when yoh jump through all of the hoops and finally get your diagnosis, they will shift the goalpost and continue to gaslight you. Because the diagnosis isn’t going to change ANYTHING about who you are, or who they are. If they loved you and cared about you properly , they’d ALREADY BE SUPPORTING YOU. They’d already be BELIEVING you when you tell them who you are.
Having said all of that, if you can afford to go through the process, do it! Just make sure you look through your provider directory (if you are insured) and then research every practitioner listed, and make sure they are neurodivergent themselves (best option), or have proper training and exposure to modern research on neurodivergence. There are A LOT of psychology professionals who are gatekeeping for insurance companies and they will do everything in their power to keep you from a proper diagnosis if it saves insurance money. There are A LOT of poorly trained NT Supremacists claiming to specialize in assessments who are using criteria (like “eye contact,” success in school, no disciplinary issues/non-disruptive) that has been widely discounted as markers for autism or ADHD, especially in AFAB humans. All of the research studies used to develop the criteria for an ND diagnosis ONLY INCLUDED AMAB kids.
The research and studies have discounted so much of that, and yet a majority of practitioners are still using it to discount actually autistic and actual ADHD patients, causing further harm and trauma. Which is why our community acknowledges self-diagnosis as a valid path for adults with autism. For ADHD, it’s more difficult because you need the diagnosis to have access to life-altering medications that can help support you and give you more function in your daily life.
Anyhow, all this to say, jump through the hoops if you need to. No one knows what path is best for you better than you do. But go into it having already self-diagnosed and do not let anyone shame you or gaslight you that your self-diagnosis isn’t valid. YOU KNOW who you are. It’s OKAY to say it, and to expect SUPPORT from people who are supposed to care about you.
Good luck to you. This is such a tough life to live. Hang in there and pat yourself on the back for making it this far! 🤗
Thank you
This is going to sound really stupid, but please trust that the universe is going to guide you to get you what you need. It has for me.
FWIW, I am sitting here crying, over everything. Life is so hard. But I've also been able to see so many beautiful things. Look for those things. They will carry you.