Salam, I’m F 27, husband is 26. We are cousins, married in Pakistan, in the US currently. We have 2 children age 3. I got married in a Pakistan in 2020 and my husband came to the US in 2024. I’m currently not working but I did prior to my kids being born, but I am actively searching for remote jobs that will allow me to work while having kids. My husband is working. We live with my parents, I’m an only child. Both parents work. They pay mortgage and other things. My husband for many months did not pay a thing in the house and was jobless and even went back to Pakistan a few months after arriving to the US. He would often be offended if I would ask him to contribute and he also has a separate checking account and no joint account with me. I asked him to transfer me money from every paycheck so I can take care of at least a few bills since we’re living with them and also for the kids needs. To which he only gives me $600/m and I’m supposed to pay 5 bills and also use that money for kids and groceries?? He acts like 600 is a favor and as if he’s giving a lot. My dad even gave him his car for free. We even bought him a phone. He doesn’t spend a dime on the kids or I or towards groceries but he has the nerve to ask for certain groceries, ask for me to make him banana shakes after his workouts with 2 bananas. I do everything for him, breakfast, lunch, work lunch, dinner, tea, shakes, laundry. One day I made it with one because bananas were running low and kids eat them too and I wasn’t planning on going to the grocery store and he called me cheap. He hid his raise from me and when I confronted him he said I’m greedy and after his money, that if he told me he got a raise then he’d have to give me more money. That no one tells their wife about raises because then they want more. He called me greedy because I asked for more than 600/m to help with everything. Also, just continuing with the rant he doesn’t take the trash out when he leaves for work nor does he bring it back in when he comes home. Even though my dad does it, my neighbors do it. Everyone does it. But to him, he thinks it’s a lowly thing to do and that this isn’t what he’s here to do. Taking out trash etc. I’ve never asked him in a rude way, just a simple can you take out when you’re leaving for work. How else am I supposed to word it? He does nothing. He’s literally incompetent to do anything. I can’t live with someone like this for the rest of my life?? I don’t want my boys to grow up seeing this behavior and learn from it. I’ve spoken to his mom and all they say is they know their son is like this and that he’ll get better, but when will that happen? I’ve been hearing he’ll get better for the past 5 years. He doesn’t provide for me or for the kids and mainly saves his money and spends on himself, never gets groceries himself, expects us to just cater to him feed him. Also he is not a good father, constant hitting and slapping children, constant yelling. Not a good husband either. Even the 600/m he gives it’s never on time. He does nothing for our anniversary, nothing for my birthday, nothing for Mother’s Day, nothing to appreciate me or acknowledge me. Idk what to do???
Also my parents have no problem with us living separately but my husband doesn’t want to because then he’ll have to spend money more
Sorry sis, you married someone immature. If he hasnt changed yet, hes not going to. Hes used to living a comfortable life in Pakistan where he has maids doing all the work. He's not going to adjust to life in the west where people do all the work themselves. He isnt a good husband or provider, and he has no shame about it either. According to you, he isn't a good father. Send him back to Pakistan and you stay and raise your kids with your parents.
I am really leaning towards this decision, I know my parents will support me if I lean towards a divorce and my kids will be happier. He’s my Khala’s son. I never wanted to marry him but got roped in and living a miserable life the past few years. I’ve spoken to his mom so many times about his behavior but they brush me off and tell me it’ll get better, that he’ll get better, he will provide soon, etc. but he doesn’t do anything. Nothing ever changes.
Stay on this sub reddit and you'll see how common it is. Good luck sister it isnt going to get easier. No point complaining to his mum btw, they will see him as the golden child.
The things is, they KNOW that they’re son is wrong. She agrees with everything I say. They expect me to just suck it up and live through
They know but it's their son who made it out of Pak to the west.
They'll keep roping you and say he'll change and to hold on to keep you two together.
The fact that you didn’t start this entire post with “my kids are toddlers and my husband slaps them” is very telling. You need to take a step back and look at this situation clearly while putting your kids first. WHO CARES if he doesn’t take out the trash?? This man is hitting your kids!!! What the actual— you need to leave this man, sending him packing. If you need money for groceries you can temporarily go on SNAP, you’d qualify until you get a steady job. Alhamdulillah you have your parents and I think it’s just crazy you’re even thinking about what to do when it’s insanely clear what any mother who cares about her kids would do
I’m sorry, trust me I love my kids and protect them as much as I can and I speak up. I was just trying to get everything out and didn’t know where to word things and what else to add.
You are married to a complete loser and abuser.
If you can’t cut the cord and send him packing for yourself, at least do it for your kids.
Stop cooking for him, stop doing anything for him maybe even leave him and cancel his green card paperwork omg
He’s even abusing your children. What is he adding your lives?
He’s adding nothing to our lives. Instead he’s making it very toxic and unlivable. It’s really hard to leave when you get married within family. My parents will have no objection though. I need to talk to them to see how to proceed. I really don’t want this type of life for my kids or for them to see this behavior as normal. I don’t want him in our lives at all. There’s absolutely no positive thing to say.
Hits the kids. HITS THE KIDS. THE 3 year old kids? I have a 3yo and forget what ill do if ANYONE lays a finger on him, do not allow that, i cant think of a single reason why a child needs to be hit besides the satisfaction of the scumbag doing the hitting.
On a less severe note, STOP DOING THINGS FOR THIS GUY, why are you actively enabling him, put that foot down, tell your parents to take a stance.
Sis, I saw more emphasis on him getting mad over how many bananas were going into his smoothie vs the fact that he HITS your kids???
You need to divorce this man. That’s inexcusable and it’s your responsibility as a mother to protect your children.
Shaking my head as I read this post…please leave this man and get some sense in to your self. Do you not respect yourself as a mother and a daughter? He slaps your children, insults your parents as he financially abuses them while living under their roof/taking their things and thirdly emotionally manipulates you to do his cooking and cleaning and other slave jobs?? Grow up, and leave this man.
It’s not like I’m happy with him or that I wanted to marry him. My parents got me married to him. Even though our moms are sisters, my mom will support my decision for divorce. I’m not sure about my father yet. But I am not wanting to live with him. Don’t want this for my kids. I’ve searched the process for divorce in my state and am currently saving docs I’ll need. Will talk to my parents.
Your parents are going to have to set a time limit for you to move out because he's not going to grow up otherwise. They've done a lot for him and unfortunately this breeds ingratitude and comfort in certain people. Start looking for a place - and itemize your grocery list and expenses so he can see that 600 isn't cutting it. Hand him a grocery list and have him take care of it tbh. That'll take something off your plate and open his eyes to how expensive things are nowadays
Maybe but I can see husband over here moving back to Pak instead if given a time limit
What benefit was there to marrying a guy from Pakistan? Of course his focus will be sending money back home
No benefit at all. I didn’t even want to marry him. But my parents insisted on my getting married to him, my cousin, from Pakistan because I was getting old. I was only 22. They thought no one else would marry me here and that it’s safer to marry someone from back home. Well, they’re regretting it now too.
Sad to hear sister you were essentially forced into this by your parents to please your aunt so her son can get visa. At least they won't force you to stay with him. You guys need to sit him down and lay down the expectations. Id be embarrassed myself living with my in laws as a man.
Your husband needs to step up, if he’s not taking care of you financially, isn’t kind to you or the kids, what purpose does he serve in your life? You’re better off living with your parents raising your kids.
What is he doing with his savings? If he’s saving up for a house, that’s one thing but if he’s sending it all back home then he needs to stop that.
Have a meeting with your parents, his parents and him. Make it clear that this arrangement no longer works for you, and that if he’s unwilling to step up. He needs to leave your house.
May Allah SWT bless you and bring peace to you.
Do you think he might have jumped on the wagon because you’re in the US so he knew he could earn more there and keep more for his family back home?
He expects you and your parents to pay for everything because you provided that situation for him.
Do you think he really loves you and the kids? He doesn’t sound like someone like that.
A hardworking loving man would have given his kids everything but he’s even hiding his raise from you.
Maybe start thinking of moving away from your family. I feel bad for your parents tho but I think they’re the ones who asked you to marry your cousin? So now they can’t say anything.
I agree, it’s pretty obvious now that he just married for the comfort of having a place to live freely and earn as much as he wants. Through his actions it’s obvious he doesn’t love the kids or I. I’m not wanting to stay in this marriage. I feel bad for them too I guess, but they’re the ones who got me married to him and never got me out of the marriage even when I would say that something’s not right. After we got married and before he got his visa, I’ve gone to Pakistan to live there for a few months and would complain and tell to my mom about his behavior and how he is and she would brush me off and not take me seriously and now here we are and she strongly dislikes him now after seeing herself. I just hate I was put into this position and marriage because my dad thought 22 was old and no one would ever marry me. I unfortunately do blame my parents a lot whenever I’m upset, but only I can take a stand to leave now when I still have time.
Since you’re already depending on your parents for almost everything and that $600 can be gained yourself through work, maybe even more.
Just leave the useless dude. Sit your parents down when he’s not around and tell them, this is it, you’re done.
Take away his visa.
Then, he’ll understand that you’re not one to mess around.
Otherwise, you’ll be in this position for years and kids will grow up to see this situation.
You never know, someone else might be out there for you and your kids.
Do everything behind his back, even revoking his visa part.
Document things if you have to for proof.
Yes inshallah, I know I can gain the $600 and even more through work soon inshallah and financially take care of everything. He’s a dead weight in our lives honestly and very useless. Doesn’t a dime out of his pocket apart from the $600 as if that’s supposed to cover all expenses.
Do you think he might have jumped on the wagon because you’re in the US so he knew he could earn more there and keep more for his family back home?
He expects you and your parents to pay for everything because you provided that situation for him.
Do you think he really loves you and the kids? He doesn’t sound like someone like that.
A hardworking loving man would have given his kids everything but he’s even hiding his raise from you.
Maybe start thinking of moving away from your family. I feel bad for your parents tho but I think they’re the ones who asked you to marry your cousin? So now they can’t say anything.
Just get rid of him and his visa. Good riddance
What does he do? His salary?
I think you need to share how you feel with your parents. Since you live under their roof, they are in the right to ask him to contribute.
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Are u related somehow? 2nd question is are u sure he is saving the money or sending it back home?
First sentence literally says they’re cousins. Read before commenting.
Yes he’s my first cousin. My mom and his mom are sisters. I have seen him send money back home. His family tells me we don’t want his money. He says things like, he wants to earn so much here so he can make a big home back home. The thing with him is that, he does not want to spend money here. He doesn’t want to contribute in the house (groceries, bills, mortgage, eating out, going somewhere fun, kids-diapers/clothes/foods). He thinks he should just be able to live here comfortably because we’re cousins. Like you’re not here to just live and work? What’s the point of our marriage if you’re not providing. He also wants to make me go to work so I stop asking him to provide. Even when I do work, he still has to step up and provide. He wants to live for free and be catered towards. I’ve spoken to his mom telling her that he needs to step up and provide because my parents can’t be doing everything for him. All she says is yes he will eventually. He’ll get better.
Do your kids have any disabilities , how old are they? Is it too late to revoke your support for his green card?
They just turned 3, no disabilities. He just doesn’t like children, I told his mom strictly about his behavior with the children and she just says he doesn’t like kids and he hits kids in general. They shouldn’t have gotten him married.
I’ve googled it and it says I can’t revoke it once the spouse has it. But I have started searching for the process of divorce in my state and just saving documents to prepare myself.
At least with a divorce you'll be able to get him to pay child support and save money at the same time by not subsidizing his leeching.
Keep marrying your cousin from Pakistan people. This is a great idea.
Didn’t have a choice. Wasn’t my decision. But agreed.
But you agreed, so it was your choice.
Easier said than done honestly.
I’m sure these issues were present before you had kids. Why did you have kids?
Not sure why you’re here attacking me
That was a genuine question.