Asalam. I am 24M. Through a rishta process my family found a woman. Now this girl is respected by the whole community. Everyone thinks she is so nice and the person that recommended her basically said that she would be my style as in the dynamic I want with her taking care of the home and so on. So I have my first meeting with her with mahram present and we just get straight to the point. She has questions for me and I have questions for her.
She asked me a few questions like what do you think you would be doing our whole marriage. And my response was I would be the one providing and then if in the future we are blessed with children of course other responsibilities come to play. She looked at me and goes that is al?. What about cooking and cleaning? I said to her if I am providing for my wife I would expect her to be cooking and cleaning and maintaining the home. I would not mind help on odd days but I would not want that to be my responsibility.
She then said I do not want to cook and clean or work because neither are my obligation. Then I asked her what do you expect to be doing the whole marriage? And she said to me giving my husband companionship making sure he is okay and has someone to talk to and so on but never once said anything about maintaining the home. I stayed polite and did not really say much more. In my head I was thinking but I would do that even when I am working so it is not making any sense. So I ended up going home and telling my parents that it was a no for me. Mind you she told her parents it went very well. My parents basically told them it was a no. They said their values do not align and that she is a very sweet girl.
Now fast forward here a month later. My reputation has been destroyed by this girl and her family. Because apparently I messed up big time and she rejected me because I said me and her should go 50/50 and that I was not Islamic enough. I did not go to the mosque for my prayers and so on. Now everybody looks at me with judgement in the mosque out in the street and around the neighbourhood.
I connected with another girl through the rishta process again. Everything went well. But then she straight up said to me I heard from somebody that you do not pray that you are unislamic and you clearly would not be a good fit for me. Lots of trusted people tell me.
I am tired of having to explain every single time that she lied. And everyone believes her and her family because they are trusted in the community.
If she was so respected she wouldn’t be going on with these lies just because I said no. Her family acted as if how dare I say no to their daughter.
I am not sure what to do.
Don’t worry about it. Truth comes out eventually.
I’m really sorry this happened to you, akhi. What they did is slander, and that is a major sin in Islam. Allah is sufficient as a witness over what they have done, and He will judge with perfect justice. I advise you to involve a trusted imam or respected elder in your community, explain the situation, and ask them to address this family so your name can be publicly cleared, since this is affecting your life. Stay patient and firm, this is a test, and Allah is with the patient. May Allah grant you ease and reward you for your Sabr
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, Masha'Allah very good advice Subhanallah. In Sha Allah OP will take it very soon.
May Allah bring that person who's slandered you to the natural conclusion of their actions. Rotten fruit falls on it's own.
They've slandered you out of embarrassment since they were 'rejected'. Don't worry - Allah swt knows. No need to over explain to people in the community. If a potential brings it up just be honest. A good person will understand
Alhamdulillah you dodged a bullet, now things might be harder during your search but this is a test for you, and those who are tested with hardships are loved by Allah more.
Sooner or later In shaa Allah, you'll find a woman and her family who dont blindly believe on rumors, who are kind, loving and more religious.
Better than actually being married to her akhi
I get it but now everyone will either be hesitant or reject me without giving me a chance and get to know me.
Natural filter pal, you dont want people in your life that cave into rumours easily. The smart ones will trust their own judgement better.
That’s a good way of looking at it. Nice 1
Did either of your wali’s hear the convo or did they maintain some distance to give a bit of privacy?
Isn’t that what they’re there for??
Don’t get me wrong I know and I’m sure they’d want to be respectful but just curious as to what the wali’s have to say.
Her father heard it and uses it as an excuse to say he was there and he saw the bad qualities in me.
Then you didn’t just got saved but you got saved HUGE! Imagine being firstly marrying a liar woman and on top of that a lying father. Your life would have been miserable & you would have been a slave for them.
Be thankful to Allah (ﷻ)
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "It is enough for a man to prove himself a liar when he goes on narrating whatever he hears." Ryad salihin 1547 Remind everyone who mentions this about this hadith. Don't explain yourself, ask them if they're interested in learning the truth, only talk about yourself and don't bring her up in the conversation. If you're asked why do you think she lied, don't entertain the conversation. If everything you said is true; you have nothing to prove. Our reputation isn't related to how humans perceive us. Allah knows what happened. That's all that matters.
It's ok for him to explain the matter in order to alleviate suspicions off himself, just as the Prophet explained he was with his wife in the Hadith where the Sahabi saw him walking at night with a woman. The Prophet specifically called him back and explained, "It is Safiyyah" (his wife) because suspicion (though a blameworthy trait) comes easily to humans.
Add to this the fact that we're allowed to speak about others when vetting for marriage, it's not backbiting. One of the ways to do this is to ask respectable members of the community about a person. In OP's case, those same people are slandering him! So it's a difficult situation and he should clear his name, as people aren't wrong for having misgivings after following the correct process.
She wanted traditional benefits without traditional responsibilities.
When you rightfully declined a bad deal, her ego was hurt. It’s not uncommon for some women to become vengeful when rejected, especially when community reputation is at stake.
Don’t take it personally; you simply had the courage to walk away from a mismatch.
Let this be a lesson:
A 'yes' from the community is not a substitute for your own vetting. Character is revealed in private disagreements, not public reputation.
FTFY
She wanted him to pay for and do everything at the house while she offered to be a chit chat buddy. Demanding material/tangible things while offering nothing material/tangible in return.
My gut tells me you aren’t the first man she’s slandered
I’m sure there are other men who if you explain your situation to, someone will say the same was done to them. The more corroboration you have the more your word will be trusted against hers
Also in this life with the way she is and her expectation that she doesn’t have to pull her weight in a marriage she’s gonna be alone well into her 30s at some point whining about how there’s no good men
And in the next life she will answer to Allah for tarnishing the honor of people and you’ll have free pickings of her good deeds
Yeah, honestly I would find these other men and hire an attorney. If you’re in England, the slander laws are more tough than in the U.S.
I think people should start recording all their interactions with the opposite gender.
How would he have proof if it was all verbal? In my experience lawyers don’t take your case unless they’re certain they can win
If 2-3 guys come forward all saying the name thing, that’s evidence. Lawyers are in the business of making money. They will take this case.
I would at least try to find other guys and if I can, I would at least send a letter or something.
Hire a lawyer and have him question a few people in the masjid asking where they heard this slander from. The conversation will change really quick.
Law student here. I’d actually say an imam would be more effective here. Unless he can show that the slander affected him in his job or in some really tangible way, there isn’t much a lawyer would be able to do for him.
Actual lawyer barred for more than 10 years here. Sometimes having a lawyer send a tough letter is enough to change people’s behavior.
Imams are useless, I wouldn’t even bother.
Can’t argue with that honestly.
Dodged a missile op. Well done.
Not even a bullet. You are right 💯
She got a harsh reality check when you declined the proposal. That’s when she realized a beautiful face isn’t enough to get married. She also realized she wasn’t quite the catch she thought she was. It hurt badly so now she wants to ruin your life with slander. She’s an insecure shallow minded immature little girl. It’s funny to me that you say this girl is respected by the whole community and she’s commiting major sins like slander just because you said no.
You thought she was perfect and a respectable woman. Allah SWT showed you she’s not. Don’t lose hope. Stay strong. You will meet the woman you are supposed to marry in sha Allah.
Inshallah. I genuinely thought she was everybody said it she was recommended by multiple people and they all had good things to say about their family.
Did you tell the people that recommended her what she did?
Yeah. The ones that weren’t related to me took their side and didn’t believe me. But my relatives stuck with me.
50/50 means everything brother, not you doing 100 of the money bringing and then half at home chores because that equals 150 lol. Women(I am a woman) need a reality check in the ummah.
That's a very heavy issue and something that is occuring more often, people want traditional things like getting money, but they don't want to fulfil traditional roles
Yeah I’m not sure. I see lots of videos of certain wives posting about how their husband comes home and cooks and cleans and does all of this but in the long run you’re just burning your husband out. Of course it depends on your situation. If your 50/50 I get the equal split and so on. But me personally I don’t think it’s right for a man to work and come home and then cook and clean and run around the house doing chores. I’m not against men knowing how to cook and clean but I just feel as though it’s not their priority (me personally)
Those videos are the reason women demand these things. They heard about some random online persons husband doing it so they think they can get the same thing.
Like you said all it does is build up resentment.
You were honest about what you want. That part is fine. The mistake was thinking honesty alone protects you in a small community. It doesn’t. Stop explaining yourself to everyone. That only makes you look defensive. Tell the truth once to a few respected people who actually know you and let your consistent behavior speak over time. Anyone who believes rumors without hearing you out is saving you from a bad marriage. Focus on your character, stay steady, and let time expose the lies.
It's ok for him to explain the matter in order to alleviate suspicions off himself, just as the Prophet explained he was with his wife in the Hadith where the Sahabi saw him walking at night with a woman. The Prophet specifically called him back and explained, "It is Safiyyah" (his wife) because suspicion (though a blameworthy trait) comes easily to humans.
Add to this the fact that we're allowed to speak about others when vetting for marriage, it's not backbiting. One of the ways to do this is to ask respectable members of the community about a person. In OP's case, those same people are slandering him! So it's a difficult situation and he should clear his name, as people aren't wrong for having misgivings after following the correct process.
Can u imagine had u gotten married and then divorced how much her and her family would have slandered? Allahs plans work in miraculous ways. We just don’t realize while going through the grind. May Allah make it easy for u going forward.
This is a blessing in a way. Anyone that believes her without hearing the other side isn’t a good person.
In effect she’s helped you with the filtering process. I went through something similar and it showed me people’s true characters.
Celebrate because you saved yourself from a life of misery.
Don't worry brother..... the girl and her family couldn't take the fact that you said 'no'. Seems like it hurt their ego and this clearly proves that they aren't good people. You dodged a bullet there.
However, they've gone too far by slandering you. Again, don't worry as Allah will take care of that for you and he will bless you with a worthy wife.
If she doesn't want to cook and clean, no man will want to marry her lol. Therefore, plenty more rejections are coming her way.
She doesn't understand family dynamics and sounds like a spoilt brat. If she can't take care of the home and cook, what will she be feeding her kids??
Moving forward, before you meet any potential, make it known that your reputation is being jeopardised by a girl you rejected as she doesn't want to cook and clean and just sit at home like a scarecrow.
I laughed and they said "can't you be modest"
I cried and they said "why don't you smile?"
I smiled and they said "He's a show off"
I frowned and they said "I started showing my true colors"
I was silent and they said "I had a feeble tongue"
When I spoke they said "I was too talkative"
When I was tolerant they called it cowardice
And said, had I been brave, I would have taken a revenge
When I showed up some courage they said it was rash & reckless
And I wouldn't have behaved so if I were balanced.
When I said "No" they considered me odd,
When I agreed with them, they called me a blind follower
So it became certain, that no matter how hard I try,
Pleasing People will bring nothing but criticism.
- Poetry of Imam Ash-Shafi'i
thats horrible what happened - but allah knows, hears, and sees all - regardless of the slander, be patient, the right person will come along and hear you out,, best to you inshallah
Salam
Relax, my brother, just focus on yourself. Eat healthy and exercise so that when the right one comes along, she finds you at your best.
As others have mentioned, thanks to your wisdom you were able to avoid a relationship that was doomed to fail.
The important thing is that your family knows who you are. As long as you have the love of your family, a job, and your health, you have everything. Keep going!
Nothing will ever befall us except what Allah has written for us. He is our Protector. (9:51)
Know that if the entire nation were to gather to benefit you with something, they would not benefit you except with what Allah has already written for you. And if they gathered to harm you, they would not harm you except with what Allah has already written against you (Tirmidhi)
Indeed, the most honorable of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. (49:13)
So be patient. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth. (30:80)
Is not Allah sufficient for His servant? (39:36)
They fear people as they should fear Allah or even more. (4:77)
Whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah even if it displeases people, Allah will suffice him against the people. (Ibn Hibban)
Indeed, with hardship comes ease. (94:6)
No servant is wronged, and he remains patient, except that Allah raises him in rank. (Ahmad)
If Allah has written someone to accept you, love you, or choose you, no humiliation can stop it. And if Allah has written someone to walk away, no perfect image would have kept them.
Stay steadfast brother. This is a test from Allah. It’s time for a character upgrade.
You will surely be tested in your wealth and yourselves, and you will certainly hear much that is hurtful. (3:186)
Whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah while people are displeased, Allah will be pleased with him and make the people pleased with him. (Ibn Hibban)
Don't worry
Remember Allah is the best planner, he saved you from a potential nightmare
No matter how much the other party tries to tarnish your image its Allah who protects
Salaam Alaykum, Same thing happened with me but reversed I’m also 24 lol. I can’t give much advice except just stay away from this community. Either way they will say what they want and lie about you. Im just leaving it to Allah if I find my naseeb and if not I’m working on my own life. In my case the girl he got engaged too after me proved to the community that I was not the problem. inshaaAllah you find the best naseeb brother!
Always repeat hasbiyallahu ni'mal wakeel as Allah will deal with her
Thank Allah that he saved you from a horrible person. Imagine if you had gotten married because everyone around you told you how great she was and then after marriage you had a conflict with her only to realize her true face. I am sure Allah will send you someone with the ability to think critically and not someone who follows the herd. I strongly despise people who follow the herd mentality. If someone is rejecting you because of what they hear then it’s their loss and it tells you that they don’t take the time to find out the truth themselves. Do you really want to get married and have children with a woman who blindly follows others? You don’t. You want someone like yourself who thinks critically like you did when you rejected the initial girl who apparently has an excellent reputation.
If you hear a girl say "that's not an obligation islamicly" RUUUUUUNN.
They want to do the bare minimum Islamic duties but expect maximum benefits in return.
Slander is a great sin...but in Shaa Allah you will get justice... I pray you will find a great Muslim wife that is aligned with you...that will be the Best way to show anyone that you're not what they have been told...
PS: Even though it seems surreal for some, I do know Muslim(and non Muslim) stay at home wives/moms that don't cook or clean because they have house staff...but it's usually in very rich households... I have aunts and cousins (family relationship and also aunts in the African or asian way ) that cook occasionally (like only on Sunday) and don't work anymore or never worked in their lives...they have nannies, chefs, cleaners, drivers...etc...they basically sleep, manage the staff (which is actually a job in itself if you think about it), make sure everyone does his job right and her husband and kids come home to a clean house and warm food, they do a lot of skincare, haircare...etc and shopping... They also go on vacation at least once or twice a year... My aunt's best friend is also one of them, married to a guy from a royal African family, she has a building in her name with tenants that she manages to occupy her time now that the kids are older...she also organize a weekly food donation for the less privileged ( which in return became a great publicity for her husband), she will also make donations for orphanages or the Morgue...etc
Their husbands want that and are okay with it... it's also a concept that exists in the west "trophy wives"
It's a demonstration of their wealth I guess, the ability of having wives that look good, look well taken care of ... I mean you look at those women and you immediately know that they have a good living situation... it's in the way they are dressed, how their skin looks...etc
So yeah, as unreasonable as it sounds to some people, some Muslims women have that life...but on the other hand it's delusional to think you can ask that from any Muslim man because the vast majority of men can't afford that...
I mean she can asks for what she wants but her father doesn’t even provide her with that standard of living and I know that for a fact.
What you wrote is neither here nor there (and not really true to form on what a trophy wife is). If she wants princess treatment and is fine waiting around for a prince that may or may not come, that's her prerogative.
The issue isn't what she wanted. The issue is she inverted the scenario and then spread that lie in the community.
Salam,
Don't worry about all of this, they are just trying to save face. People see right through it.
Look for someone out of your community
Absolutely atrocious on that girls part. But have faith inshallah Allah always reveals the truth. Try your best to continue going out there and talking to people.
Allhumdulila you got away. Eventually the truth comes out.
You have the right to clarify yourself. Social media allows you to do that. You do not need to name anyone but write something like, "I have heard that someone has been spreading rumors around that they rejected my proposal because of XXX reasons. While I wish them all the best in their search, I do want to clarify that these rumors are not true and my actual views on this subject are XXX.
Expose her on SM with your texts screenshots explaining this is only in response to her slander
You need to go speak to the girls father. Explain to him exactly what you both talked about, word for word. Explain that what she told you is slander and now you are having trouble getting married. If her parents are even the least bit religious then maybe they can help fix this but the damage is done and you will have to live through this dude. I'm sorry you need to go through this bro.
If they were "the least bit religious" they wouldn't be doing this in the first place. It's not hard not to lie.
I would start tarnishing her reputation as well! I would talk to every person i meet how you talked to this one girl and all she wanted to do was provide companionship and straight up told me she is not going to cook or clean or look after the house beca it is not her responsibility
That’s not gonna work if the community holds her family in high esteem like he described
He needs to find other men who have been victim to her lies first so there’s more credibility to his claims