As the title says, my MIL is constantly crossing my boundaries and sometimes I don't know when enough is enough. I'm 26F my husband is 26M we have only been married for less than a year and live separately from our families but we visit once a week.
To name a few things:
- she joked about my husband's "next marriage" once at the dinner table with me there.
- she said she "hates" my closest best friends, for essentially no reason other than that they had a long speech for me at our wedding.
- she lectured me when I ate a snack with my parents before going over to their house for dinner. (granted I knew I was invited for dinner, but my parents were visiting me, I am not going to not offer them food or go out with them).
- she made rude comments about my sister's weight saying she thought she was 6 months pregnant even after I was consistently trying to shut her down saying she was not pregnant.
- she made racist comments about my brother in law.
- she tried to imply that my closest friends gave us evil eye after our wedding.
My husband will talk to her about these things afterwards and will explain to me that she feels remorseful. But I still don't feel satisfied about it because I don't deserve to be spoken to that way in the first place? and it really grinds my gears that I end up upset about it for weeks. She doesn't apologize to me directly about these comments either.
She is, of course, like many muslim MIL's obsessed with her son and seems to have been having a hard time accepting that he has left. But my goodness, the way she takes that out on me through her tactless and thoughtless comments needs to stop.
It's difficult to go to my family or friends with these kinds of concerns because they will get more upset than me and I like to avoid drama where I can.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.
Remove yourself from the situation when she makes these comments. It took me a while to learn but once I left the room when she acted up or refused to visit her house after such incidences - things lightened up. This works better than explaining yourself. She knows what she's doing and she's going to keep pushing you with small remarks unless you take a stand
No need to get rude with her or anything. Your actions will do the talking.
Will try to do so! Thank you JazakAllah Khairan
I second this, it works with everyone not just MILs
Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do. Remove yourself from those situations - literally if she is talking and giving it all of this above excuse yourself, switch seats and maybe be a little more busy. Don’t talk back or match her rudeness…no point. Just ignore ignore ignore. When she feels your lack or importance for her she will get the hint.
Salaam 🤍 I’ve been married for almost 10 years, Alhamdulillah, and I want to be honest with you because sugarcoating this doesn’t help anyone.
About two years into our marriage, we realized my MIL’s boundary-crossing wasn’t temporary or “adjustment phase” behavior. My husband had multiple serious conversations with her. I confronted her respectfully. I tried being overly kind, bringing food, gifts, checking in. None of it changed the pattern. Some people simply do not change when the root issue is emotional enmeshment, not misunderstanding.
She has outright told my husband that I “stole him from her.” That mindset doesn’t disappear just because you’re polite or patient. And this is despite the fact that I contribute to the household, raise our children, and support my husband in every way. Even after we moved 2,000 miles away and he limited contact to once a week, she still makes disrespectful comments.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: remorse expressed to your husband but not to you, followed by repeated behavior, isn’t real accountability. It’s damage control. And you’re right you don’t deserve to be spoken to that way in the first place. Feeling upset for weeks is your body telling you something isn’t okay, not that you’re overreacting.
Distance doesn’t mean disrespect. I’ve told my husband to honor his mother as his mother but I also protect my peace. I speak to her on holidays and occasionally when he’s on the phone. That’s it. No drama, no confrontation loop, no emotional access.
You’re not wrong for wanting this to stop. Just understand that boundaries only work when they come with consequences usually reduced access. Keeping your distance isn’t cruel; it’s self-preservation.
Thank you this was super reassuring I really appreciate it <3 JazakAllah Khairan and i'm sorry you had to go through such an experience but Alhamdullilah you found a solution that worked for you and your relationship!
Pick yourself up and leave to another room, not a single word, because thats not gonna get you anywhere, trust me is speaks louder than anything on the market.
I think our mils may be sisters 🫠 all jokes aside, I 100% get when people advise to ignore and let the sons deal with it but like I know full well it really messes up your mental health. The fact you don’t live with her alhamdulillah makes it much easier but ofcourse you still are going to see her etc. I would call her out on it. Say to her you don’t appreciate the comments especially if this is still happening after your husband has spoken to his mum, it shows that she still does not respect any boundaries.
I may try this honestly, thank you for the reassurance LOL. My husband can honestly be clueless sometimes and not realize her comments are rude in the moment until afterwards when I bring it up to him. It's super disappointing to feel like I can't rely on him and have to stand up for myself ugh
The problem is he is stuck between 2 women he loves. And men are rubbish with female conflict anyway.
Do you have to go every week?
I've been trying to avoid going / seeing her in general as often as I can! It's just getting hard to explain why I don't want to go to my husband bc I know it makes him feel upset.
Then he should direct his upset to his mother.
He should be giving her a hard time for making things worse. Protect your peace. Transfer the issue to her.
That's fair honestly. Thank you.
Going no contact with my MIL after the constant hurtful comments and behaviour from her was the best decision I ever made and to be honest has saved my marriage.
You don’t need to see her often. Limit your visits. Don’t text or call. She knows what she’s doing.
Its a MIL problem and a husband problem, its his mum he needs to enforce your boundaries and ensure they are not crossed, she doesn't sound fun to deal with, often women end up being the ones trying to keep the peace, but thats literally your husband's job, he needs to maintain the peace between you and your mil
Whoa need to correct you here,
I have only seen South Asian moms being obsessed with their sons 😂. And sons are always being babied around.
Maybe some Arab families as well?
But mostly south Asians.
Many south Asian men I met are so proud that they have never done any chores / cooking in their lives because their moms/sisters are dying to take care of them. And after marriage, it’s their wives. lol.
Same with the whole mother in law issues, always prominent in south Asian communities.
LOL i wish i could say this was just a south asian thing but we're middle eastern. Super common scenario with middle eastern people as well as north africans.
Yeah that’s why I said some Arabs as well haha
Ignore her.
She’s a classic bully and narcissist. Good luck.
My advice: go low contact and drop the once a week visit to her house. Your husband can go alone. Your sister’s weight or her husband is none of her concern. She sounds like a very miserable, hateful and lonely woman.