When it comes to ‘authority’, a husband is quick to quote the Prophet (saw).
Prophet (saw) said, “A man is guardian of his family.” (Bukhari 893)
A father or mother is quick to quote the Prophet (saw).
Prophet (saw) said, “Two deeds are quickly punished in the world: transgression and disrespect to parents.” (Mustadrak Sahihayn 7350)
But do we reflect how the Prophet (saw) was with authority?
Scholar Ahmed Hussein said:
“If a person came to the Prophet (saw), he wouldn’t like to leave him because of his character.
Zayd (rad) was a slave gifted by Khadijah (rad) to the Prophet (saw). His father and uncle searched for him. They eventually found the Prophet (saw) and promised him any ransom if he would return Zayd (rad) to them.
The Prophet (saw) replied that if he wished to return to his family, he (saw) would release him without accepting any ransom in exchange. But if he chose not to return, I would not force him. The father agreed, thought why would someone choose slave hood versus freedom? Why would he choose someone else over his own father?
They called Zayd (rad) who recognized his father and uncle. But told them he didn’t want to leave Prophet (saw), “for I have seen something in this man, and I am not the kind of person who would ever choose anyone in preference to him.”
(Tarikh al Rasul by Tabari)
How much love was given!
That a person prefers slave hood to freedom and is not willing to return to his own father.”
I come from a Muslim country, not South Asia. Not to boast but whenever we travel, and we have to explain where we’re from, people will say, “the best Muslims they have met are from -my country-“. We mostly follow Islam instead of culture which is why we don’t even do joint family system, mother in law dramas etc.
We learn about Islam at various stages of school.
We have to attend marriage classes.
We have to listen to Islamic talks every Friday.
And the first time, I heard about “obeying your husband” was on Reddit. (Oh, and the amount of cousin marriages 😂)
The amount of men here that wanted an obeying wife or claiming that it is his right, for the wife to obey him completely without any kindness or regards to what his wife wanted. Is it your slave or wife? Lol.
Many of my friends are married, even myself, never once heard about the phrase “obey your husband” from our husbands. Yet, we all have good marriages. Alhamdulilah. MashaAllah.
Yes, both of us have to be respectful and listen to each other, and take each other into consideration. We always discuss everything together and come to a conclusion.
'Obedience to husband' is not a cultural notion or from reddit but it can be easily traced to Quran and sayings of Prophet (saw).
In addition, we don't base our guidance on popular opinion. If we see it that way, then the majority of humanity doesn't accept Islam. Does that mean Islam is wrong?
One can argue that Abu Lahab and Umm Jameel had a good marriage. Is that a successful marriage based on Islam? No.
Now, could there be an instance where someone in a position of authority has abused it? Yes.
Yes, for sure it is there.
But our society and Islamic scholars do not press on this, they press on being kind to your partner, respecting each other, and tolerant.
Which is why I was a bit surprised when men particularly from certain cultures kept on pressing on this. “I don’t want my wife to work, she needs to obey me” etc kinda situations. We don’t see that in our society because partners work together to solve issues or disagreements, not just the husband says, “it’s my word, take it or leave it”.
That’s why these married people end up resenting their partners.
Same like polygamy, it is allowed but our scholars talk more about how it’s best to have one wife and kids whom you truly care about and able provide the best of the best to them instead of having multiple and not being able to spend time properly with all the kids/wives, etc.
We focus more on how to make the relationship better with more blessings, InshaAllah
That « obedience » is tempered by the idea that the wife has rights due to her by her husband. It’s never a one sided affair, every privilege is balanced by obligation for both men and women. Too often the men busy demanding obedience are also the one quickest to forget their obligations.