I’ve been married for five years, and for the past three years my marriage has functioned in a way that feels confusing and emotionally isolating. I’m looking for outside perspective.

My husband (37M) and I (33F) live in the same house, but he lives downstairs with his mother, and I live upstairs by myself. While we come from an ethnic/cultural background where living with in-laws is considered normal and even expected, this is not how I understood our marriage would function.

Before we got married, I was explicitly told that my husband and I would live upstairs together. The upstairs is a fully separate living space with our own kitchen, living room, and laundry, and I was also told that my in-laws were very self-sufficient and would not require daily involvement. Based on this, I believed we would still be living as a married couple, just under the same roof.

I also wasn’t made fully aware before marriage that my father-in-law is largely absent — he lives elsewhere and only appears for special occasions. I only fully understood this dynamic after marriage, which significantly shaped how the household functions and how much responsibility falls on my husband.

A major turning point came when my husband became seriously ill and required gallbladder surgery. During that time, he developed significant anxiety, and his mother became deeply involved in his daily care. After he physically recovered, he never moved back upstairs. What was meant to be temporary has now lasted three years.

Adding to the dynamic, my husband’s sister comes to the house very frequently, which further reinforces that the downstairs functions as a family hub, while I remain largely separate upstairs. Over time, this has deepened my sense of being on the outside of my own marriage.

Since then, our marriage has been marked by emotional distance, lack of communication, and unresolved issues. I often feel more like an outsider or a roommate than a spouse. There is very little emotional or physical intimacy, and attempts to address these issues haven’t led to lasting change.

At one point, I seriously considered divorce and came close to filing. In my culture, divorce is heavily stigmatized, especially for women, which adds fear, guilt, and pressure to stay. While I am financially stable and capable of supporting myself, emotionally I feel stuck between staying and leaving.

What complicates everything is that living upstairs alone has brought me an unexpected sense of peace. When my husband is downstairs or out of the house, I feel calmer and more grounded. I’ve built routines, hobbies, and independence. But when I think about the future of the marriage, the anxiety and sadness return.

I feel torn because: • I don’t feel deeply loved or prioritized in this marriage • The separate living arrangement feels like avoidance rather than healing • Leaving feels terrifying due to cultural stigma and fear of loneliness • Staying feels emotionally safer short term but possibly empty long term

I keep wondering whether I’m: • Gradually building independence so I can leave on my own terms • Or quietly settling into a marriage that functions as parallel lives

I would really appreciate outside perspectives. Is this a reasonable way to survive a difficult marriage while I figure things out, or am I just delaying the inevitable? Has anyone experienced something similar — especially in cultures where living with in-laws is expected and divorce is discouraged?

TL;DR: Married for 5 years. For the past 3 years, my husband has lived downstairs with his mother while I live alone upstairs, despite being told before marriage that we’d live upstairs together in a fully separate space. This started after his illness, gallbladder surgery, and anxiety, and he never moved back. We come from a culture where living with in-laws is expected and divorce is stigmatized. I’m financially independent but emotionally torn — living alone brings peace, but the marriage feels distant and unresolved. Am I coping while I figure things out, or just delaying the inevitable?