I prioritize our relationship as well. I do so much to keep him happy. I’ve told him many times that our child will have his own life and that we will only have each other in this life.
He does not want me to stay over at my their house and if so, to leave my son behind.
It sounds like youre backed into a corner. You're unhappy with many things that aren't changing.. it's unfair on you. Make a list of things you need changed asap - this dynamic is highly toxic as is. Have a firm discussion with him and begin working on the list please. This is unsustainable.. the fact that he also doesn't want you to go to your parents house when this is the time you need help and you're not getting it from him!
He’s extremely defensive. I shut down emotionally and he asks what is wrong. When I try to communicate he just gets defensive. There’s no point in talking to someone who doesn’t think they can do anything wrong. I begged him to let me stay with my parents even a few days and he was not allowing it.
Have someone from your parents or siblings come and pick you and your baby up. You are in a very vulnerable position having given birth very recently on top of it being a c section. You must priorities yourself so that you can give the best to your baby. Babies can sense tension and stress from the mother and it can affect them.
I found out multiple times that my husband has been doing edibles behind my back, including times where he was taking care of our son. He swore to Allah that he was not doing it back lied to me. That broke trust completely when it happened a third time.
From your post history.
You’re bearing the, mental and physical load for the household and the child as well as 50 percent of the food and 30 percent of the rent . He doesn’t even drive!!!
He’s not going to change until he thinks he may lose you and your contributions. Time to go to your parents.
I’ve threatened to leave so many times and he says I can do whatever I want. I don’t think he would care if I were to leave. But he’s made it clear if I want to stay at my parents that I leave our son behind.
I mean just take your kid and go over there. What’s he gonna do? Come and forcefully take him? Tell him you’re exhausted and you need to focus on your son, for his sake. A newborn thinks he’s still in his mother’s belly. He’s an extension of you right now. It’s ignorant and outrageous he even demands this.
Does he respond well to professional opinion? Maybe you can get an opinion from a doctor or a breastfeeding consultant, or any other specialist.
I’m actually livid at the fact that you had an emergency c-section and your husband is making you clean while recovering from a full blown surgical procedure
He would tell me it’s not that big of a surgery either!! Like who are you to tell me lol. I swear if men went through the same thing women go through they would never complain again.
Honestly I’m just too attached and scared for my future to just leave. He’s grown up in a broken home it’s pretty sad he would allow it to happen to his son.
I also think his mom plays a big role what goes on in his head. She has told me that she comes first and when I married him that he has relationships.. with his father, aunts, cousins etc..
I’m sorry, I do really feel for you but I feel like a part of this is rage bait. Like what did you hope to accomplish from this post? You didn’t ask us for any advice so did you post just to vent? Do you not have any family nearby to lean on? It seems like you’re more afraid of being alone than thinking this treatment is okay in any capacity. And he’s seen that you’ll put up with this nonsense so he has no need to change and will in fact only get worse. May Allah SWT make this easy for you and pls think of the wellbeing of your baby.
I'll only reply to one thing, I also had to have emergency c section even though I wanted natural delivery since the beginning and it has nothing to do with diet and if he's so bothered about cleaning, tell him to do it himself or get over it
Occasional dates that I plan. Companionship. He buys me gifts occasionally as well. He does laundry currently and takes out the trash. Might help clean here and there. Helps with the baby.
This is the absolute bare minimum. He is practically giving you bread crumbs. Why did you decide to have a child with this man? If you work and are financially independent then please leave him, unless he is willing to go through individual and couple therapy.
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Okay I’ll be blunt. Both the birth and breastfeeding require you to be as comfortable and stress free as you can. These need oxytocin. If you had to get induced due to birth not starting and you have a hard time breastfeeding, they seem to be the problem here for not getting you comfortable and feel loved enough.
Do you have any female relatives that can stay over or you can go over to stay? It’s outrageous that they expect you to do anything other than focus on your baby in these first months.
I also recommend you see a breastfeeding consultant. They can be plenty helpful.
They always talk about my diet and how I don’t eat well enough yet they stress me out so bad. I have anxiety as it is. I’ve had a miscarriage before and his mom would say it was because of my diet.
The question you have to ask yourself is do you want your child to see this and expect it for themselves? You should sit your husband down and see if he is willing to change and act like a proper husband and get his mom in check or if he continues this mistreatment and allows his mom to mistreat you. Also if you can get more milk out your supply should improve it's all about supply and demand. You can hand express or use a good strong pump. Weak pumps can cause supply to dip.
I dont know how old you are but I married my husband quite young and had my first child a few years ago. I could have written this exact post. Things went on like this for another 2 years after and I fell in to depression and our marriage was at breaking point.
I did contact an imam and therapist and marriage counsellor. I'd advise you to do the same. I'd also advise you to be brave. Its hard and you're attached you dont want to rock the boat but at the end of the day at some point you have to look after you.
Stop paying towards household costs. Its his responsibility. If you need to hire a cleaner go for it. This helped me majorly but also its his house too and he can clean too so give him some tasks. The prophet cooked and cleaned for himself. Give yourself a break and set up a day or even a couple in the week where he cooks or he pays for a takeaway. These are the steps I took and it wasn't a miracle worker. A few years on and he still moans about things but stand firm. As ive gotten older ive gotten less scared of consequences and more concerned with putting myself and my children first. This is your life and you can take back control. Men will push more and more on to their wives as much as they can get away with. Become more womanly and female. We aren't meant to take on this much stress. Good luck and iA it will god willing all work out xx
To add your clothing and other expenses which are basic are on him too. Of course extra things we can do ourselves its up to him if he wants to do extra but as above push for your rights and read and remind each other of your Islamic rights.
He actually went to see an imam today! The imam suggested we move but stay within close proximity to his mom. He also suggested her to stop working and for my husband to pay for her rent, food etc. And that I should contribute more financially since my husband is allowing me to work. I would also have to pay for my own clothes.
Umm are you sure the imam said that you should contribute just because you are working? You dont need to by Allah's laws so why is this imam supposedly saying this? I'd question this and speak to someone yourself too. Sorry sis but in my journey too we had some questionable advice from imams and a lot of men have twisted the faith to suit mens needs. That's not true islam. Best for you to seek knowledge on your own too and be firm in what you learn.
Very true I was taken back from the imams response. I researched this and found this to be not Islamic. He is allowing me to speak to the same imam as well. I will ask about this more in depth.
If his mom is of working age and she can easily do this, why can she not pay her own rent and expenses as much as possible? Sounds like this was worded by your husband or at least highly influenced.
I was not there but I will also speak with the same imam. And I know!! She has money as well. Basically if I contribute more than I already do I am paying for her in a way too.
… you wanted to leave your wife when she was at her most vulnerable? Our deen teaches us that she has one foot in the grave while pregnant and would be considered a martyr if she had died while carrying your child… and you thought to take that lightly? This is why I’m against “making marriage easy” and marrying off boys whose frontal lobes aren’t developed just so they can have halal intercourse when they’re not ready for any aspect that comes about from that happy ending🥴
Go to your parents house with the baby. What a bad set up!
[deleted]
I prioritize our relationship as well. I do so much to keep him happy. I’ve told him many times that our child will have his own life and that we will only have each other in this life. He does not want me to stay over at my their house and if so, to leave my son behind.
It sounds like youre backed into a corner. You're unhappy with many things that aren't changing.. it's unfair on you. Make a list of things you need changed asap - this dynamic is highly toxic as is. Have a firm discussion with him and begin working on the list please. This is unsustainable.. the fact that he also doesn't want you to go to your parents house when this is the time you need help and you're not getting it from him!
He’s extremely defensive. I shut down emotionally and he asks what is wrong. When I try to communicate he just gets defensive. There’s no point in talking to someone who doesn’t think they can do anything wrong. I begged him to let me stay with my parents even a few days and he was not allowing it.
Have someone from your parents or siblings come and pick you and your baby up. You are in a very vulnerable position having given birth very recently on top of it being a c section. You must priorities yourself so that you can give the best to your baby. Babies can sense tension and stress from the mother and it can affect them.
From your post history.
You’re bearing the, mental and physical load for the household and the child as well as 50 percent of the food and 30 percent of the rent . He doesn’t even drive!!!
He’s not going to change until he thinks he may lose you and your contributions. Time to go to your parents.
I’ve threatened to leave so many times and he says I can do whatever I want. I don’t think he would care if I were to leave. But he’s made it clear if I want to stay at my parents that I leave our son behind.
Why do you need to listen to him and leave your son behind? Islamically a child that small had to stay with mom anyways.
Will he even be able to take care of your son alone? He's using that point to keep you in place. Try it and see - let him handle the baby
Leave when he’s at work.
I mean just take your kid and go over there. What’s he gonna do? Come and forcefully take him? Tell him you’re exhausted and you need to focus on your son, for his sake. A newborn thinks he’s still in his mother’s belly. He’s an extension of you right now. It’s ignorant and outrageous he even demands this.
Does he respond well to professional opinion? Maybe you can get an opinion from a doctor or a breastfeeding consultant, or any other specialist.
That is true.. I’m going back to work in two weeks. I think I might stay at my family’s.
Both Islamic and Legal courts will leave the baby with you lol what right does he have to say the son stays behind
Just go without leaving your son behind.
It’s not his choice where his son stays. It’s your job to do what is best for your son, and that means not leaving him with your husband.
I’m actually livid at the fact that you had an emergency c-section and your husband is making you clean while recovering from a full blown surgical procedure
He would tell me it’s not that big of a surgery either!! Like who are you to tell me lol. I swear if men went through the same thing women go through they would never complain again.
Aside from the Quran has your husband ever read a book?
They literally slice you open…
It's major abdominal surgery...
What are you getting out of this situation? 😭 and you just bare his child and take care of the baby 😭
Honestly I’m just too attached and scared for my future to just leave. He’s grown up in a broken home it’s pretty sad he would allow it to happen to his son. I also think his mom plays a big role what goes on in his head. She has told me that she comes first and when I married him that he has relationships.. with his father, aunts, cousins etc..
I’m sorry, I do really feel for you but I feel like a part of this is rage bait. Like what did you hope to accomplish from this post? You didn’t ask us for any advice so did you post just to vent? Do you not have any family nearby to lean on? It seems like you’re more afraid of being alone than thinking this treatment is okay in any capacity. And he’s seen that you’ll put up with this nonsense so he has no need to change and will in fact only get worse. May Allah SWT make this easy for you and pls think of the wellbeing of your baby.
Your husband sucks.
I'll only reply to one thing, I also had to have emergency c section even though I wanted natural delivery since the beginning and it has nothing to do with diet and if he's so bothered about cleaning, tell him to do it himself or get over it
What is he offering you?
Occasional dates that I plan. Companionship. He buys me gifts occasionally as well. He does laundry currently and takes out the trash. Might help clean here and there. Helps with the baby.
This is the absolute bare minimum. He is practically giving you bread crumbs. Why did you decide to have a child with this man? If you work and are financially independent then please leave him, unless he is willing to go through individual and couple therapy.
And what are you offering him?
Money for rent, food, take care of groceries occasionally, drive us everywhere, living with his insane mother, clean.
You should buy a scale cause im sure these things dont balance out
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She crosses boundaries, throws remarks at me, yells if things don’t go her way. Living with her has made me go into deep depression.
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Okay I’ll be blunt. Both the birth and breastfeeding require you to be as comfortable and stress free as you can. These need oxytocin. If you had to get induced due to birth not starting and you have a hard time breastfeeding, they seem to be the problem here for not getting you comfortable and feel loved enough.
Do you have any female relatives that can stay over or you can go over to stay? It’s outrageous that they expect you to do anything other than focus on your baby in these first months.
I also recommend you see a breastfeeding consultant. They can be plenty helpful.
They always talk about my diet and how I don’t eat well enough yet they stress me out so bad. I have anxiety as it is. I’ve had a miscarriage before and his mom would say it was because of my diet.
Unless you are eating literal trash, EVEN IF, they have no right to do that.
May this love never find me
The question you have to ask yourself is do you want your child to see this and expect it for themselves? You should sit your husband down and see if he is willing to change and act like a proper husband and get his mom in check or if he continues this mistreatment and allows his mom to mistreat you. Also if you can get more milk out your supply should improve it's all about supply and demand. You can hand express or use a good strong pump. Weak pumps can cause supply to dip.
I dont know how old you are but I married my husband quite young and had my first child a few years ago. I could have written this exact post. Things went on like this for another 2 years after and I fell in to depression and our marriage was at breaking point. I did contact an imam and therapist and marriage counsellor. I'd advise you to do the same. I'd also advise you to be brave. Its hard and you're attached you dont want to rock the boat but at the end of the day at some point you have to look after you. Stop paying towards household costs. Its his responsibility. If you need to hire a cleaner go for it. This helped me majorly but also its his house too and he can clean too so give him some tasks. The prophet cooked and cleaned for himself. Give yourself a break and set up a day or even a couple in the week where he cooks or he pays for a takeaway. These are the steps I took and it wasn't a miracle worker. A few years on and he still moans about things but stand firm. As ive gotten older ive gotten less scared of consequences and more concerned with putting myself and my children first. This is your life and you can take back control. Men will push more and more on to their wives as much as they can get away with. Become more womanly and female. We aren't meant to take on this much stress. Good luck and iA it will god willing all work out xx
To add your clothing and other expenses which are basic are on him too. Of course extra things we can do ourselves its up to him if he wants to do extra but as above push for your rights and read and remind each other of your Islamic rights.
He actually went to see an imam today! The imam suggested we move but stay within close proximity to his mom. He also suggested her to stop working and for my husband to pay for her rent, food etc. And that I should contribute more financially since my husband is allowing me to work. I would also have to pay for my own clothes.
Umm are you sure the imam said that you should contribute just because you are working? You dont need to by Allah's laws so why is this imam supposedly saying this? I'd question this and speak to someone yourself too. Sorry sis but in my journey too we had some questionable advice from imams and a lot of men have twisted the faith to suit mens needs. That's not true islam. Best for you to seek knowledge on your own too and be firm in what you learn.
Very true I was taken back from the imams response. I researched this and found this to be not Islamic. He is allowing me to speak to the same imam as well. I will ask about this more in depth.
Were you there when th imam said all of this?
If his mom is of working age and she can easily do this, why can she not pay her own rent and expenses as much as possible? Sounds like this was worded by your husband or at least highly influenced.
The comment below is definitely right!
I was not there but I will also speak with the same imam. And I know!! She has money as well. Basically if I contribute more than I already do I am paying for her in a way too.
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… you wanted to leave your wife when she was at her most vulnerable? Our deen teaches us that she has one foot in the grave while pregnant and would be considered a martyr if she had died while carrying your child… and you thought to take that lightly? This is why I’m against “making marriage easy” and marrying off boys whose frontal lobes aren’t developed just so they can have halal intercourse when they’re not ready for any aspect that comes about from that happy ending🥴