I feel bad for him cause he's seeking asylum in my country and also he doesn't have friends and no good relationship with his family and no stable job but I can't take it anymore for the first year of our marriage he had already laid hand on me once so I made a personal contract that we both signed and he promised he will not do it again but still he did it again and again for the first 3 years I was spat I was slapped on my both cheeks and his big brute body pushing here and there I got bruises I took it all in because everytime we will talk about it and everytime we manage to calm down and he will mentioned religion my flaws and all and pointed that I was to blamed I was projected I was the trangressor the stubborn I got depression during the pandemic but finally I was slowly getting better he's physical abuse has stop but right now because I no longer feeling anything towards him I can clearly read every tiny of his verbal abuse asserting domination to me manipulation gaslights he likes to say don't argue with me you only listen do not talk I am teaching you do not ruin my day threatening me with I will go crazy you making me crazy l might kill you or murder us because I'm very close his words is making me tremble and feeling numbness on my chess yet I can't feel the urge of leaving cause I have this feeling of fear for five years I have continuesly work with loans here and there because I can't depend on him I pay the house and the bills that even that I'm worrying that what if I leave he's so dependent to me but at the same time I want out of this marriage I can't take it anymore what should I do
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Pack you belongings and leave. What you waiting for your 10 year anniversary?
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE. You have a good heart for still caring, but don’t make it your problem. GET OUT. get yourself back up and do what’s best for you because this not life. الله also helps those who help themselves. Don’t be afraid الله is with you. When الله is with you who can be against you? Just have the courage to pack it up and the rest will be history. Trust that the dots may connect one day but whatever happens. Leave, as long as you still can. You are someone’s daughter. Be proud of yourself that the worst things can still come and you will be able to handle it by yourself but leave.
Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, Masha'Allah very good advice Subhanallah. I seriously hope that OP takes it as soon as possible In Sha Allah. Because She is in serious danger.
Someone that can hit you, can kill you. Please be careful. It does work in your favour that he needs asylum and is dependent on you. Figure out how to send him back where he came from (ideally in an anonymous way). The anti-immigration movement might actually be your friend here. Never feel empathy for someone like him.
I feel bad for his mom because his mom is the only one he talks to she's old she's abroad and he's telling me his mom cries when she sees him stress and I mentioned divorce before and he said what if something happen to his mom because of what happen to his son here I said I only want divorce and he told me I'm not the all mercy why can't I be merciful to him
He literally beat you and gaslights you by putting blame on you...he shows no mercy and you want to show him it? If anything happens to his mom its on him also becareful he can come after you too. You need to end this.
What he's saying about his mother is manipulation...
It's just more abuse.
He can go back and look after her.
He guilt traps you. Its a big sign of a narcissistic bully. Don't pay attention to what would happen to his mom or family, that's not relevant to you, think how you would be if things were to be continued this way another few years? Its not you that have no mercy, he lacks empathy and seeks dominance, a very vile and dangerous individual
This is trauma bonding. Please google it.
Not your business, if he did an action he deserves the consequences, period
Is it possible for you to use his dependence on you to force him to behave correctly? I don't know if this will be dangerous for you considering his physical abuse.
Bad idea, this can make him angry and vengeful, best and save move is to involve authorities and hire a lawyer to communicate with him.
These abusive people get very very dangerous when they feel like they’re losing their grip on you. Be very careful, pack your stuff and vanish. Even if that meant you lose your job and have to find another one later. Money, credit, etc… it all really don’t matter compared to your safety. If you are in a bad situation financially try contacting the women’s shelters for abused women, they’ll help you hide and figure out your next steps. You’re gambling with your life here, and if you do nothing about it you’ll find yourself gambling with your kids life later. You need to breathe and heal.
The thing is I work from home so I can work anywhere but he doesn't have cards banks or anything at all like I don't want to be cruel too but at the same time I really can't take it anymore I know he's grown up but I'm feeling nervous every time I'm thinking of leaving all these nonsense thoughts of responsibility on my shoulder and worries are coming all at once. I just feel loss
He doesn't take care of you, you don't have to take care of him.
I know exactly how you feel. Again. All of it doesn’t matter. You need to leave. He’s a grown man he’ll figure it out.
You’re stronger than what you think you are. You’re doing all by yourself while getting beat and hurt. Imagine what u could do if u didn’t have someone who is beating u up while ur doing it?
Guilt is al shaytan way to make you believe you are making moral progress or that you are morally superior than him ,, sister leave
Yes after years I was able to fight back he stopped physically abusing me because I started fighting back even with my small body the thing right now is he keep saying I'm a cursed woman for being disobedient and society will not accept me as a divorce I'm not really fool to believe about the society I'm just worried really where to start and what will happen next he seems nice when he's calm but beast when he's angry
Divorced women get remarried a lot. He’s saying these things to trap you. He needs you way more than you need him. Who he is when he’s angry is all that matters. If you decide to leave, pls be careful.
Everything he says is just manipulation, part of the mistreatment.
It’s better to be a divorcee than staying in marriage with a man like him. He is victim playing, his family will never take your side, they are his family not your problem. Your empty will harms in the future.
Please run away, he can take your life, if he is threatening to kill you, that means he is already thinking to do it, it won’t take him much to plan it. Plus he is possessed by shaitan, he can do any evil thing without thinking twice.
His problems are his headache! You are capable enough to address all your responsibilities why can't he?
Please, the only one who DESERVES your soft corner is your own self.
Be safe and get out.
Which country is he from?
This sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. Can you speak to someone about it?
Salam, Thank you so much for all your messages, I got out now. Hopefully I will never go back I still feel nervous and worried but one thing I know I feel lighter and can breath better now.
PLEASE don't go back! He will further try to manipulate you, be aware and ready for that!!! I have been through it, please sister! Research on YouTube: Narcissist Hoovering
He will promise you he has changes/will change, send/bring you gifts and flowers, he will fake an illness, send you pictures from a hospital, he will use third persons to hoover you back in (so called 'flying monkeys' - research this term), he will threaten suicide, try to hack your email/socials, turn up at your parents home and more...
Block him everywhere, get a restraining order when he stalks you, also block every new number and unknown caller, socials, everything and make screenshots, you will need to collect any evidence you have.
Then research how you can get a Khula divorce. Depending on where you live, you can go to somewhere local or do it online.
I pray to Allah the Almighty to save you and give you a peaceful life. Please Allah swt. keep this woman safe. She is in danger...
So so proud of you, sis! May Allah SWT make it the next journey easy on you. Please, I beg you, don't go back to him no matter how much he gaslights you or tries to manipulate you. Don't fall for his fake promises. You DESERVE BETTER!!!!
This is him being nice and gentle. He’s tested how far he can take things and once he gets asylum it’s going to get worse.
That's why I'm really afraid for my future I can't see myself living with another 5 years with him I just don't know how to get out of this how to start my mom I don't want to disturb her or worry her
I’m going to be direct. I’m a parent myself and what parents find disturbing most of all is burying their children.
Please do whatever is necessary to leave him. This pain is much more bearable then the worst that could happen.
He’s responsible for the consequences of his behaviour. Don’t feel guilty for him, he clearly doesn’t for you.
I didn't want to disturb anyone because I know I chose this I chose him and I trusted him I always tell myself ok this is just part of his flaws and he's lacking which I know every one does I'm not even seeking for like love like I don't care about that anymore I just wanted to be treated right I just want to have normal conversation like a proper partnership but he always like to assert his dominance to me treating me like a fool I can see through him sometimes I just agreed to him say the words he wants to hear so I can just put an end to his power tripping to me I don't want to be cruel but why can't he think the same sentiments towards me
Sorry I feel like I'm venting I just can't calm myself I'm still trembling I feel heaviness in my chess
Salaam sis, sis here.
I understand you feel guilty but there’s a reason you came here and told us your story and the situation that you’re in. But I’m gonna strict here so take it as big sis advice.
Your husband is an abusive person and is using manipulation tactics to make you feel guilty and worthless.
You say you can’t take it anymore, why should you take anymore. MAKE A POLICE REPORT AND THROW HIM OUT.
Just because he’s an asylum seeker doesn’t mean he has any rights to lay his hands on you! And oh please OP your husband is a hypocrite that does not fear Allah, whatever justification your husband has will not be acceptable in Allah’s eyes!
This man is a ticking time bomb you don’t know when he’s going to explode next and if it’ll be his last time because you might die.
REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE AND THROW HIM OUT. KEEP MESSAGES AND VIDEOS OF HIS ABUSE!!!!!
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Are you only supposed to look after him and he doesn't supposed to look after you?
Which kind of man speaks of religion when he cannot provide you basics like food and shelter. On the top of that, he assaults you as thank you and death threats are icing on the top.
Listen sister, when he is not at home, pack your bags and go to a safe place like your parents. Tell him its over, intiate divorce and call police, make them aware of these threats and how he potential can harm you.
He is narcissistic bully, worse of creatures. Marriage is a two way road, give and take. This "do more" rehterics are being used to make you feel guilty when he doesn't do anything good for you.
The day he gets his papers, he will ditch you and will use time till that to ensure you are mentality and financially annihilated. This is a monster. Don't feel shxt for him. If you are uk based, dm if you need any help.
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Someone who doesn't take care of you doesn't deserve to be taken care of.
If someone did an action they deserves the consequences , you can’t lift a stick with one side and leave the other
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Assalamu alaikum sister. This person you’re talking about is no man let alone husband, you should not feel bad for him.
Please leave as soon as it is safe to do so and try to make a plan to ensure you have somewhere to stay and some temporary support (family ideally or a charity in your country that supports women in your circumstances). Make sure you are safe above all else.
May Allah (SWT) make it easy on you and guide you to a happier future InshaAllah.
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If he has no mercy for you, why have mercy for him? And you dont need to worry about him, Allah has written rizq for everyone so Allah will take care of him. Worry about yourself!
For girls who are reading. If a guy doesn’t respect his family or parents it’s a red flag. A man who can’t respect the woman who raised her and brought into this world you really think in the long run he’ll respect you ?
what the actual f*k how and why the hell did you put up with THAT?
He has no right to abuse you in any way. He has no right to use the religion to manipulate you. Allah is with the one who is oppressed which is you. Get a trusted friend involved and she can help you make an exit plan or you can make one yourself :) Any pictures, videos, messages, etc. of abuse send it to yourself in a different email account. This is so that if he decides to take your phone or delete anything, you have it backed up on your other Gmail or email account. What he’s doing is an oppression and a grave sin. May Allah make it easy for you and grant you a way out of this situation. May Allah protect you and grant you victory.
Nisa verse 19 And live with them in kindness.
Sunan Ibn Majah 1984 It was narrated that 'Aishah said: “The Messenger of Allah never beat any of his servants, or wives, and his hand never hit anything."
Sahih Muslim 2564 a A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He neither oppresses him nor humiliates him nor looks down upon him. The piety is here, (and while saying so) he pointed towards his chest thrice. It is a serious evil for a Muslim that he should look down upon his brother Muslim. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for his brother in faith: his blood, his wealth and his honour.
Sahih al-Bukhari 6095 Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie; and whenever he promises, he breaks his promise; and whenever he is entrusted, he betrays (proves to be dishonest)".
"I feel bad for him"??? Are you nuts?? You feel bad for a man that has physically beat you and outright threatened you with death? What is wrong with women
We need to stop marrying unstable people.
He is seeking asylum in your country, he needs you , one domestic abuse report abd his case is over , rejected ,,, he gaslight you into all that ,, you are way superior to him
He says he will kill you, murder you. He spat on you and beat you up. Yet you are worried about him not having any friends? Him not having a stable job? Why is that your problem? If he couldn’t make any friends or get a job during the last 6 years it is his own fault.
All you should be worried about is yourself and your safety! Leave him. It’s time for divorce.
Not a single period