Assalamualaykum,
It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!
All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.
Reminder that if you are posting app/matchmaking bios that you must censor ANY AND ALL INDENTIFYING INFORMATION. This includes names, social media handles, pictures (faces), etc.
Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.
Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.
In Search Of (ISO) Thread
This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:
I’m in a talking stage with a guy my wali got to know first before i did. Now we are texting each other and he isn’t local so i cant just ask to meet instead, for now
Its been a few days and we were texting within normal time frames, eg started off every few hours then every couple then half hour
And then yesterday radio silence. Like we were texting every 15/20 mins and then i didnt hear from him until the next day, almost a day later
I kept wondering if it was something i said, if I should pop back up to ask, but I thought to hang back as it hadn’t been a day yet
I’m not a fan of constant texting either and it was the weekend hence I had more availability but I wouldn’t expect such quick replies on the daily. It was just the sudden change that confused me
Theres time zones to factor in too but it didnt explain the delay
Its early days so I dont want to grill him for it. But like was this acceptable and should he have provided an explanation for such a delay
From talking with my wali, they did tell me his communication was somewhat inconsistent and when me and him got to talking he said he would improve this but i fear if he’s just slipping back into it
I want to move into calls more than texting now because he may just be a bad texter (although if he can reply every 15 mins idk)
Going forward what kind of communication should I expect as normal?
Iv been speaking to a guy since mid/end of November. In that time, he’s only taken me out three times that too near Christmas Eve snd we did make plans before but I couldn’t make it and I was anxious about going , which already made me question his level of effort ie he is out everyday with his friend before and is mostly out with his brothers and friends but Over Christmas we were both away, but ironically that’s when we started calling much more frequently and speaking consistently. Once we were both back, his energy shifted. He sent me a message saying that if he were married, he wouldn’t want his wife going out with her friends all the time, wouldn’t want her out in general whereas he is out all the time ? And I explained to him I have errands to do and I haven’t a property to look after also but he doesn’t know this , wouldn’t want her dressing revealingly , and after going through my photos I don’t think I do I am very modest and maybe on the odd occasion I do wear tight clothing and I had worn a swimming costume revealing my legs on holiday although I told him I was with my auntie and that my legs were covered in a towel anyways however I didn’t show him cos it was haram ? But I told him nobody’s perfect.. he also didn’t like the way I speak, and referenced an incident in town where I was speaking to another guy in city centre because I work in healthcare and I was worried incase this guy was gonna take unwell and that idk why he was speaking to me anyways . He said these are things he “shouldn’t have to tell me” and that I should have more respect for him “as a man.” He ended the message by saying he didn’t see things going further. We went no contact after that. I later broke no contact because I was dealing with a difficult personal situation at home and needed to rant. We ended up seeing each other briefly, and I opened up to him. Since then, he’s been speaking to me again as if things are normal. Last night I told him I don’t see the point in continuing to speak if he’s already made his decision. Instead of giving clarity, he kept saying “I don’t know what to do” and even said, “what if I don’t want to give it another shot or leave you alone?” This feels like he wants access to me without commitment or responsibility. I’m now confused about whether to give space, set firmer boundaries, or walk away completely. In person he is actually sweet, affectionate and jokey, which is why this has been confusing. Over text and when it comes to emotional conversations, he becomes avoidant, says he “doesn’t know”, and won’t give clarity. He tends to keep things light and jokey and doesn’t seem very intentional or serious about life/future planning. He’s told me in the past that his ex cheated on him, used him financially and mocked him in front of family and friends, so I do wonder if this has affected how he shows up now. At the same time, he’s made comments about how he’d want his wife to dress, who she should go out with, and how she should behave — despite not committing to me or taking me out consistently. This contradiction is what I’m struggling with.
Salam everyone, I was wondering what people’s thoughts were on this topic.
From a female’s perspective, do you think it’s better to marry someone who you like because of their personality and qualities, but is closer to you in age and not financially stable for example finishing their last year of studies and working part time.
Or do you think it’s better to marry someone who is older, considered more mature and been working for a few years so they would be financially stable.
Salam everyone!
I need recommendations for trustable matrimony platforms for myself. I come from India and wish to give it a try. Conventional ways of matrimony are still in action, there are groups that my mother is a part of. My dad has also conveyed to hus friends regarding the same. But my mother and father have a busy lifestyle and often there is lack of participation due to which I wish to indulge myself as well. Hoping that I find a right match soon inshaAllah.
JazakAllah khayr!
My south Asian parents have been pressuring me into arranged marriage non stop. Is it appropriate for me to move out for the sake of my mental health? 23 female and I have a stable job. They act like this would be akin to abuse from me
Where in South Asia, Karachi?
I don't understand what's wrong with these parents. Are they incapable of understanding their children?
They can send you the profile of a guy but it is upto you to say yes/no. You have a right to consent in marriage.
Them forcing you to marry someone is not appropriate at all and that marriage is not valid. Alleged abuse < clear haram
Salaam Reddit, I hope you’re all well insha’Allah. I was hoping to get some advice and reassurance about someone I’m considering marrying. Alhamdulillah, we’ve been getting to know each other in a halal way, with her mahram present, and I’ve genuinely enjoyed learning more about her. There is mutual physical attraction, but my concern is more about the non-physical side of things. I always assumed that you’re meant to end up with someone quite different from you, so that you complement each other — for example, they enjoy things you don’t, and you help each other grow in different areas. However, we’re actually very similar: we’re both introverted, like many of the same things, even down to hobbies like baking. This has made me overthink a little and wonder whether similarity is a good thing, or whether spouses are “supposed” to be more different to balance each other out. Am I overthinking this, or is this a genuine concern worth reflecting on? JazakAllah khair in advance for your advice.
That's nonsense to be honest, relationships aren't that simple, and people being different or similar in personalities never guarantee success or failure.
All that matters is that you both feel good about each other, nothing will stop you from trying new things and activities together or individually.
At the end of the day we're all different by virtue of being human, there's no exact equation that fits every couple, so anybody who pretends to have it figured out is just lying. Don't overthink it.
You’re overthinking, don’t ruin a good thing over nothing
Are there any resources similar to the iso thread? Or anything specific to Canada US
The America’s iso is basically Canada US..?
Any tunisian brothers/sisters here that could point me out to the right direction?
I've recently started my search for a spouse and I feel like the road is already blocked, I don't date, I don't use dating/swiping apps and I don't use social media, I'm not sure where to look, the local masjids are filled with old married women, I chose to work from home to avoid free mixing and I wouldn't consider marrying someone from work.
Someone help a brother out and may Allah make it easy for anyone reading this!
Older people can have kids. Some of them can have grand kids. In other words married people of your own gender, they might know single people that are looking.
Muslim majority countries have the majority of people as Muslims. Instead of 5 in a 100 being Muslim, like in the west. (Then roughly half are women, then they need to be single etc.)
Arranged, match making. By parents, siblings, other family, friends is a thing, especially in Muslim countries. Roughly half the people get married that way (according to statistics in Turkey)
these methods are outdated in tunisia, we're a muslim country by name.
Parents and siblings literally have no connections lol.
Life is hard man but inshallah khair.
People might say the same about Turkey.
There is still a sizable population that is religious. Which is still bigger than the population of Muslims, in any given non-Muslim country.
Both Muslims, who are more practising, those who are less. And even non-Muslims, do still use match making.
You can also make new connections yourself, and ask them for match making. Friends match making is still a thing.
True, amin.
Welp turns out matrimonial groups have a lot of older people. Why is that? I'm a 24 year old - finding someone my age seems rare for some reason. I've also booked a mosque matchmaking event just to gather intelligence. Anyone got any tips or tricks?
You answered your own question in a way.
Online has a population that is more in a certain age ranges. 23-29 is a more popular age.
Online, will also be more men than women.
Real life, organic or through match making/arranged, will have the full population of people.
Arranged can have people you know and trust, be in the same meeting, to discuss a person afterwards. And feedback on your courting skills, they have seen.
Rant
I find it absurd that the same men who put effort into writing a decent bio on their profile can't be bothered to read someone else's bio and tell on themselves by liking your profile.
Like, if you have a non-negotiable written in your bio and if I have very explicitly written in my bio that I do not meet that non-negotiable nor am I gonna change my mind about it and you still like my profile. It just shows how you just doom scroll the apps.
Even worse. If I have written non-negotiables (PLURAL) on my profile and you don't meet ANY of that criteria but STILL like my profile... C'MON
End of rant
You are not going to see people who click no on your profile, after seeing your dealbreakers.
Whether they meet those criteria or not.
Dealbreakers say something about you. (As one of the possible reasons someone can say no.)
Someone can doubt, if they fit or don't 1 of your list, and say no too.
You might see people who haven't read your profile at all.
You might also see people who see your criteria as negotiables. People can also be comprising on their criteria based on the looks of the other side. (That's what that match making influencer woman user is saying too... )
Are you getting matched with people who fit your criteria?
Are your criteria conflicting with each other?
Are some of your criteria harder to have? More rare?
What are your criteria?
I ended up removing dealbreakers from my bio because people can’t read. The worst is when a guy matches and a few messages in it becomes clear he didn’t read my bio TT
I've seen a lot of people saying this (removing their long bio bc ppl don't read), and it never made sense to me. I feel like you're just shooting yourself in the foot by doing that, bc the people who you actually want to attract, the people who would take time to read the whole bio, would be put off by your short or empty bio, so it’s a lose-lose situation.
Who said I removed my long bio? I simply removed my dealbreakers from my bio, some things are best left observed. I’ve learnt that putting my dealbreakers invites performers.
Well you said you removed it bc people don't read, so it’s the same principle. I understand if you remove it for other reasons.
Yes, both because people don’t read the dealbreakers and because I’ve come across sneaky individuals who put on a performance once they see my dealbreakers. Best for people to think I’m open minded so they’re more honest (which has worked well thus far).
Welcome to the apps
I’m 21M, Indian by passport but born and brought up in Qatar. My mum was also brought up in the Middle East, and our extended family is spread across multiple countries, so I grew up in a very international, English-speaking, third-culture Muslim environment.
I’ll be moving to the University of Edinburgh for my MSc this year.
Is it unusual or unrealistic to want to intentionally get to know someone (around my age or slightly older) in a halal way, with the intention of marriage in ~2 years (after studies / early career)?
Because of my upbringing, I tend to connect more naturally with people who are culturally Western-leaning while still faith-conscious — in communication style, expectations, and everyday life. This isn’t about ethnicity, but about shared cultural reference points.
For context, my family (especially my mother) is very open to and supportive of cross-cultural marriages, so this wouldn’t be something I’d be pushing against at home.
I highly doubt a practicing muslim woman would date/know you for 2 years and then do the marriage.
Most practicing muslim women tend to have 6 month - 1 year timeline.
Definitely makes sense, thanks.
Can we get the post above updated and link to the new iso threads and just archive the old iso thread? Would make things so much clearer, thanks
My preferences are becoming a problem :(. I discovered I'm not attracted to men in my country (i made this hard for myslef what i am I gonna do lol) and people I'm attracted to (like arabs), they want to marry within their nationality/ethnicity.
I don't want to marry someone I'm not attracted to, a big no-no.
I'm not bad looking, i look good Al Hamdulilah. No big demands aside from keeping my job but WHY DO I LIKE GUYS WHO ARE SO HARD TO MARRY AHHDIOFSOJFIOIERO;FJPO;GIJRS
I know you’re probably just here to vent. But over the past 8 years I’ve seen my preferences do complete 180 when it comes to race. A lot of it changed when I addressed my internalized racism, and also when I actually “dated” some of those races I over idealized and the rose tinted glasses were ripped off real quick. It only takes one person you’re attracted to from your own race to change things
Well i wondered about that, why it only for men then? Like for me, women of my ethnicity are really pretty. Could it be selective racism? does such a thing exist? if it does, i would like to work on it because I do not want to meet Allah(SWT) with something like that in my heart.
Anyways, thanks for telling me your experience. I really think it's a preference but May Allah protect us.
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Any posts or comments that are sexist or generalize a specific gender or race etc. will be removed.
Example: "Women just want (blank)" or "Most men are (blank)". The key is to speak for yourself, not an entire group.
Why are you not attracted to your ethnicity?
What is it about Arabs (you don't mention any other ethnicities, except them) that makes you attracted to them only?
Not limited to Arabs, I just gave an example. With regards to why I don't find men of my own ethnicity attractive(but like they are all okay, I'm not interested in them), I don't know. I guess it's preference
I finally want to try putting myself out there but the biggest thing holding me back is I’m not conventionally attractive and have zero good photos.
I’ve never taken pictures and tried to step out of my comfort zone the last couple years by asking people around me but they don’t put in effort and get annoyed after taking 1-2, even making me feel superficial to keep asking. Most of these are blurry or my eyes are shut but they don’t care and I have no one else to ask.
Whatever they do take that’s clear, I look horribly awkward and unphotogenic in because I have no direction and I’m not used to it. People suggest taking photos yourself with a tripod but how do you do this? I wouldn’t even know how to pose without it looking unnatural and forced.
The second problem is I can’t smile with my teeth. Never have and no exaggeration it looks like I’m in pain if I try Ideally I want to include them because they are imperfect so people can weed themselves out if they find it unattractive. But I don’t know how when I physically can’t smile with my teeth without looking like an alien.
Any tips or ideas or advice for photos would be so appreciated. Jzk khair!
Omg, I’m literally the same - my eyes are closed in almost all group photos. What adds to that is if I smile, my eyes look almost shut, so I often lean into it and smile with my eyes closed 😭
Also, I hate how I look in pictures, so I’ve given up at this point. But, whenever I’m having photos taken by someone close to me (friends/family), I usually ask the photographer to let me know of it’s a good pic or if I look chopped - and my siblings will be brutally honest. One of my siblings takes candid pics, and I will say that I really like how I look in them. I think candid pics take the awkwardness away, especially if someone isn’t photogenic. So, maybe you can do that?
I don't know what the answer to this is but if you figure it out please let me know. I have never casually taken pictures, don't even have many as a child and it feels like someone is holding me hostage when I have to take one of myself. Absolute chaos, it's not even a confidence issue I just don't know how to act lol.
Deer in headlights situation and I am a guy
Me too. Sorry you relate, it sucks to be in this position because it’s so normal for others. And same, it’s less the confidence and more overthinking the practical things like how do I stand? What do I do with my hands? etc.
If you are a brother i could help with pictures
Jzk, appreciate the offer but I’m a girl
Trust in Allah and don't stress it too much. Just be you and stay natural, maybe take your pictures in black and white ( its a genre in photography, that by taking out the colors emphasizes that which you are shooting.)
Just go infront of either a black or a white background and take a few black and white picutres, its actually pretty simple. Then try to catch natural light, or just soft light that does not make shadows. Maybe try to catch the light on your face either from the right or the left.
Google poses and videos where people show you how to pose. Taking good photos is a skill like any other, you have to put in the work.
As for the smile, practice makes perfect. Think of something funny and just keep practicing your smile until you look happy and not in pain.
Try to get out of your head and also work on your confidence. That seems to be the underlying cause of your issues.
You’re right. I’ve worked on confidence a lot in the last few years and I’m in a better place mentally now but when it comes to practical things like photos there is anxiety because I’m not used to it. When I laugh, I still dislike my smile but at least it looks real and you can tell I’m happy (re: not in pain). Faking it for photos seems so odd to me.
Maybe it just takes practice and trying different angles so I’ll check out videos like you suggest. Also kind of have social anxiety about doing this in public since I’d want the photos to look nice in natural night but gah I gotta step out of this dang comfort zone.
Allahuma bariq, I’m glad you’re in a better place mentally 💕 I feel really awkward taking photos and just see it as a necessary evil.
It sounds weird but the more you practice the more it becomes second nature.
I have to take new photos this weekend and will shamelessly bring a tripod bc nobody is taking photos (pray for me). Maybe you could try a park while the sun is out?
Uuufff RELATE are you a sister?
Yeah
Can we connect cause I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM
Sure you can dm me
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I'm sorry this happened. Its ridiculous....
Realistically, we can't. The world works in such a way as to exacerbate certain people's nationalist tendencies; and religious, moral, and other arguments will not change their minds. Our generation is doomed to live with this trend, and I would say that future generations will too, given the rise of nationalism around the world.
Personally, if a family doesn't accept me because of where my parents come from, I don't dwell on it and move on. I'm better than that. I don't have to negotiate, belittle myself, or beg to be accepted because I don't have the right background.
I know it is not agreable to read this, but this is the world we live in.
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Unfortunately, I think it happened to many people here. If everything was going well and that this change happened suddenly, with no clear explanation, you can assume it comes from them and not from you. Take your time to accept it, move on and of course, say al hamdulillah because it wasn't meant to be for a reason.
I'm 25M and have a really deep urge to find love. I've always had that urge tbh but more so now since 2025 was quite a lonely year for me since it started with being ghosted by a great girl and was quite stuck on that for a while. But I know how great I am and am ready to meet someone else.
I've always been sure I would never be on any dating apps, but is it time to give in??? The reality is meeting a girl out and about is just so difficult as I'm not so much of a random cold approach person but am really good when I meet a girl through some sort of way (activity, mutual friends, coincidental interactions) but that obviously hardly ever happens.
I've had the mindset that no way my future wife is on these dating apps buttt idk maybe she is and I'm supposed to be on it too. Are genuine, good, pious girls on these apps? (Hinge, tinder, muzz) or are my suspicions true that it's not the right place to find someone like me
Yes there are proper religious girls on there due to circumstances, dating or MARRIAGE app. If you keep it halal, it’s proper, depends how you use it
I wouldn’t recommend the swipe based apps, but inpairs is worth a shot. I spoke about it on this thread and i swear I’m not an undercover spokesperson, but I was pleasantly surprised by my experience on there. I feel like inpairs has a more limited pool of people, but I think they’re more serious. You’re paying to be matched directly, which reduces the picky swipe culture and kind of forces everyone to really consider the matches given
Salam!! :)
Alhamdulilah I would say I was raised religious, never had any relationships before, and am very genuine about finding someone.
I also like to keep to myself, avoid large groups, and have extremely girly hobbies lol. As you can imagine… meeting Muslim men has been super rare for me 😂😭
So against my better judgment I tried Muzz with blurred photos… had to stop for my mental health lol! But one day I will have to get back on it as I don’t meet many people (inshallah I find someone naturally 😭).
I think there’s a mix of genuine and not genuine on there. Usually I can tell by how much effort they put into their profiles though :)
Are, like the other app that is banned on this sub, owned by a zio.
Apps, who's target group is non-Muslims. And owned by a zio. You know the answer to that question.
You putting more energy online, will reduce that more.
Online will have less serious people. Wil have a way worse gender ratio, than real life.
Will have such girls, on apps like muzz etc. that are actually Muslim.
It will also have girls who aren't that too. (Just like it will have guys that are good etc. and guys that are bad etc.)
It will also have non-Muslims, scammers and trolls too.
Online is less trusted than real life, due to the nature of online.
Most men have a different experience online than women.
I know a lot of people that have met their spouse online, its not a bad thing to be on it so first thing you need to do is stop judging women that are on it. Give it a try, it won't hurt.
I want a second opinion on something but: 1. I don't backbite 2. I hardly trust people anymore So, it's just me and the prayer mat and the only true friend ever ; Allah. Having a soft heart, makes you put people in pedestal and then internally cut them off when they act off. I think I'm just not going to place people in my heart anymore
You described me with this one.
Honestly thats what i think about too the last few days.
I dont think that you are wrong, the goodness and mercy that you display is yours, or in other words you are not doing a mistake in being kind. IT is just very tyering to love people and befriend them when they then change suddenly and act very differently, sometimes you see the red flags, sometimes its just deep inside of their chest and you wont see it until its too late.
It also kinda feels like letting people in to your life is a mistake, but i dont want to give in to that way of thinking.
Its like you said, Allah is the best friend one can have and as long as you are not trying to hurt people or betray them, you have no sin, even if it feels like you made a mistake.
Focus on beeing a really good muslim and pray for good people, stay how you are and dont let these people change you. I think this is part of life, if we want it or not, one can only get wiser and not fall for the same traps.
Jaza kala khayr for such a lovely post. People will always come.
Yes, the question sometimes is are they good or not and are they avoidable if they are bad.
The only thing you 100% can always do ir try to do is, act the best way. Sometimes even bad people are a test, so its better to pray that Allah lets you avoid them.
I was talking about friendships in general (not haram ones), finding a good spouse is the same though.
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If you feel like you cannot do it, it's better to communicate so that both of you have clarity.
One option could be that she travels to your country to meet you irl sometimes, ofc after you have met her maybe 2-3 times in her country and things are going smoothly, given she is open to it. This way she gets to visit a new country while pursing her marriage prospect and it can be a middle ground for both of you. Win-win!
Another option could be that you both meet in a third country that's feasible for both of you, can be a bit more complicated, but still doable, given both parties agree to it.
Sometimes I get mad at myself for caring about looks so much 🤦♀️ I refuse to get the hint that I’m not matching with the guys I find attractive so maybe it’s time for me to get realistic
Girly the average looking guys are the one especially if they’re holding a baby 😭😭😭
When they 1) wear a thobe 2) hold a cat
I’m doneso
Sister I had the same problem (M28), but thinkin about how to respond to you made me feel better and I hope it helps you too.
Every level of people will swipe on you up to and even a little above your level. So for example, if you're an 8/10, then everyone who are 1's through 7's will swipe on you, with a few uncommon 8's, and 9's who swipe on you (uncommon only in comparison to the large numbers of the other levels, not uncommon in that it doesn't happen regularly). It only LOOKs like "Tons <=5's are swiping on me and the 8's,9's, and 10's aren't so that must mean I'm <=5" due to the massive disparity between the types of people swiping on you.
Just because the majority of people requesting you is "lower" levels of attractiveness It DOES NOT reflect your level. Can you imagine telling a 10/10 they must be ugly because every single 1, 2, and 3 in the world swipes on them? Simply every single person is refusing to swipe on someone they think is <8.
The question is, take a look at the average of successful matches you've had (regardless of who matched who first), thats a more accurate representation of your level with an added bias of pickiness on your end that may potentially skew the numbers (so very few swipes might mean you're picky as opposed to unattractive).
Thats a good way to measure but it does not work uniformly
E.g. I've been rejected by women who were 5s and gotten likes from women who were 7s or 8s (obviously this numbering is entirely in my head. A 5 to me could be a 10 to someone else)
Lots of other factors play into it too. E.g. I have a thick beard which, in my experience, can be very divisive for women. Some likes could've purely been off my bio etc
Hard when your blurred 😭 appreciate your comment btw
You could be reducing some look characteristics, like height. Or changing other requirements. (For example age)
If for example you are overweight, but only want a guy who is fit. You might be having an uphill battle. (I've seen such couples, sometimes they might have been fit when younger. Other times, you see it on their personality)
Two other things to keep in mind. Guys can dress modestly too. And pictures are not reality. (For example: Some guys and girls can be bad at taking pictures, and might be more attractive than their pictures.)
Yeah I never was picky about height so like 5’7 is good enough for me
Not overweight, and I look decent enough, I’m on a health journey rn to reduce body fat but im already on the slim side.
And yeah I love modesty but some guys def aren’t doing themselves favors with how they present themselves on the apps. I’m not looking for someone really good looking, just someone I find attractive at the minimum. Finding it hard to go below that standard :/
I've had it happen at least once on arranged, that a woman was looking way prettier in real life than her picture (while recognizably being her). (I had already agreed to meet, without seeing a picture.) Of course, in the real life meeting i had foot in mouth syndrome, i was not prepared.
Most of the time, women do look similar to their picture.
I know of myself, that personality, behaviours and actions can cause me to get more attraction, or lose attraction to a girl.
nods in agreement
I know of myself, that i was definitely worse at taking pictures for the purpose of courtship at the start.
You can look at the linkedin pictures of people, you find attractive in real life, for more examples.
I know one girl here stalked the facebook of a guy she found attractive in real life, to determine if he was single. (And found the picture less attractive than reality, besides finding out the guy was married)
Are you having more meetings on arranged, that fit what you are looking for?
Unfortunately nothing on the arranged end, my parents kinda suck at this and tbh yeah I’m pretty sure I look better in person than my pics 🥲 I’m not a pic girly like that yk, well i hope I look better lol but I’ve only met one potential so far my parents arranged. I look back and I looked meh and he was still interested so that’s smt I guess
Just as a note. It's not dependent on parents only.
Siblings, friends, uncles/aunties are other people who can arrange stuff.
I've had a random uncle/auntie couple on the airplane with a daughter try that. (Daughter wasn't there. The mom's clothing gave off a negative impression)
Siblings all younger, uncles and aunties back home and friends are usually younger than me too haha
The younger siblings and friends can still have older friends. (Points towards yourself as an example :P )
The younger friends can have older brothers too.
And you can make new friends too. You are not limited in that :P
😛
Including new friends you can call 'auntie' as either a tease/joke or reality.
Tried and unfortunately my brother can recommend no friends
And yeah I got really involved in the community but nothing yet
And I’ve been making older friends
My husband praying hard I don’t meet anyone but him 🤣🤣🤣
Every-time I match with a guy that's super cute, there's a catch. Now I got trust issues.
As a guy, I would want to know what were the catch, if you don't mind? If you do, that’s okay too.
I mean they're usually players or want citizenship?
Oh lol okay
AT LEAST YOUR MATching 🥀 I’m doing 10K steps in the rain to glow up, my man better appreciate all this hard work
Erm what else can I do other than Muzz, it’s not working. And I’ve tried HalfourDeen, sakeenah, WhatsApp gcs, inpairs…
I’m cooked innit😭
There’s also instagram matchmakers. I know one my sister sent me, I haven’t done it yet but it does work from what I’ve heard. The one she sent is local to community and there needs to be mutuals for vetting. But there are ones for North America or US or Canada. My nonmuslim friends keep sending me these profiles 😭
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There's this one sister on TikTok who offers a free matchmaking service. Onepercentbetter is her handle (I think).
It's a universal problem for all serious people. So many people on those apps are just time wasters.
Salam sister, have you given NoorMatch a try?
Wa alaikum Assalam, I haven’t. Do you recommend?
You can give it a try, we built it to address some of the problems people were facing with the other apps, and besides, it's free to use, so no harm trying it out
I can’t find it in the App Store…
At the moment it is just a web platform but we are working on an app behind the scenes (you can google noormatch, hopefully its the first result)
Bet! May Allah reward you and the team.
Ameen Wa'iyyakum
People do get married off Muzz so it does work for some people (not me…yet…inshallah). I will say that if you’ve got a bio that says “serious about getting married”, naturally you won’t get a bunch of matches.
Also don’t compromise on looks. I will say back before the z1o buyout, s@l@ms had me matching with men I was attracted to while Muzz had me thinking it was over for me.
Noo my bio is full of info, and it’s pretty long. Unless you mean if my bio is giving serious? Yes it very much is
Also InshaAllah
Do you talk a lot about what you’re looking for like a list or is it a mix of: a bit about you, a bit about what you’re looking for, and what you envision for you and your husband?
About me, what I’m looking for and additional things about how I prefer the talking stage (no go with the flow, intentional questions etc)
Are you giving a whole playbook for how you want the talking stage? Sometimes I think it’s easier to put some things (e.g., wali involvement, communication preferences) and leave the rest to observation.
What kinds of pictures do you have?
Nah whatever you put in the bracket is what I have
3 photos, can I have you give advice, your a sister right
Ah got it! Yes, I’m a sister~
linkedin
To find a man?? 😭😭 imagine telling ur Pakistani parents u found someone on LinkedIn
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😭😭 I hate that app but maybe it’s time for me to push past the hate and do it
What about muzz isn’t working?
The few matches I do yet, it hardly goes anywhere (ghosting, inactive, unmatch)
I’ve noticed the first two are issues. I have no idea who you’re swiping on or what your bio is like or if it’s even blurred but I noticed those profiles I almost always swipe left on.
If you’re a sister, can you look through my entire profile and if you’re a brother can you look through my bio?
I'm a brother, I can give you feedback and I can also give you some tips right here
If you have a blurred profile, you unfortunately have an uphill battle. There is a mismatch in the Muslim community right now because the modest sisters and "traditional" guys are looking in different avenues and that creates issues where women aren't seeing the guys they want.
Lets say you have a blurred profile for Modesty's sake. You will attract three groups of guys
People who swiped on you because they are looking for someone who is modest and would use a blurred profile - unfortunately this group is quite rare. The most traditional and conservative guys typically find someone through their mosque network or through familial connections, not Muzz. The few that are looking might be outnumbered by blurred profiles 3:1 or 5:1.
People who swiped on you because they have unlimited swipes (gold) and wanna see whats out there - You will struggle with these guys because you might match them but because they match with blurred profiles, they likely were quite generous with the swiping and have many matches to talk to. They also might not be too interested in talking to you after seeing you.
People who swiped on you because they don't get too many likes and have exhausted the list of people to swipe on - I don't think you're interested in this group.
I think the solution would be to unblur so that men who actually might find you attractive or be interested are the ones swiping, but I understand that that may seem immodest or uncomfortable. In that case, I would hyperfocus on IRL matchmakers, meeting guys through friends or family.
Yeah I’ve considered unblurring but it’s just sooo many men looking at your pics, makes me really uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, my family doesn’t have a wide circle at all, all they know are men from back home. Friends, I’ve asked. Irl matchmakers, how do I find them?
ok idk this. There's an instagram page very popular now, "leveluponepercent" who you might try. Seems to be free.
This one I got around by buying premium. Not cheap but there's an option to only appear to people who you have swiped right on. I had no interest in my cousins and family friends seeing me on muzz so I have this setting enabled and it seems to work. Only 3-5 people see my profile daily, and its all people I have swiped on.
1) Yes 2) Yes and the main complaint I got is that it may be too long but some like it so I kept it cause maybe the right guy will appreciate it 3) I think so in terms of looks.
Preferably looking for input from a desi perspective.
My parents and I went to visit a girls family. Everything seemed to align religiously, our families got along. Her and I had never talked before this visit. We talked and I felt chemistry / like we could get along and I think she seemed interested too.
Over the next 3 weeks we talked on the phone about 5 times. Each time I felt like things were quite awkward- like sometimes she just wouldn't say anything or ask questions. I could tell she was interested but once I timed how long the silence lasted before moving on to the next topic - it was about 55 seconds before she said something???? that can't be normal.
Anyway we met once again with her brother and things were very smooth and the convo flowed quite well. She wasn't awkward at all.
She brought up "moving on to the next step" which in my mind is my family inviting her over and being exclusive but I genuinely don't feel like we know each other well enough to be working towards marriage if we've only met twice and cant keep a phone call going. Is this unusual to anyone else?
Hmm maybe ask her and maybe she’ll explain why, could be various factors including finding it more anxiety provoking via telephone etc
Or maybe she’s shy without her brother
She may not be a call person, some people do better in person. I think you should ask her if she likes calls
Hey any other men not interested in searching or getting married?
I’m quite independent and idk I feel lost and unsure if marriage is really the answer?
Also every time I did search it seems like it wasn’t worth the humiliation ritual
Do it when your ready and it’s just the desire of companionship is more than the humiliation ritual 🥲
Why do you think marriage will make you less independent? Contrary to what people say, a good wife won’t be a “ball and chain” that’s limiting your fun.
And what about the search makes it seem like a humiliation ritual?
Muzz is really telling on the born muslim men who are only seeking converts 😭
Idk how I feel about Muzz telling ppl what filters someone matches/doesn’t match.
Some surprising filters weren’t matched, like not matching the height filter for a guy 2 in taller than me.
Ah, you are talking about that new feature others talked about.
I thought for a moment, you were talking about people putting stuff like that on their bio. (Which men and women can also be doing. Just look at iso for examples. Saw that recently, when somebody was asking why there were downvotes.)
I also remember, women putting anti opposite gender rants on their bio too. (And women here, talked about seeing that stuff on the men's side too.) Some people get bitter about the search and pour that on social media, some people put that on their biodata/profile too.
It looks like they rolled this feature out recently.
Yeah when people put rants on their bio, it saves everyone time.
I heard good of a guy so my brother him on behalf of me. This guy didn’t know me or what i even looked like
He’s early 20s and slightly younger than me but he said that wasn’t an issue. But it didn’t seem like he was actively looking for marriage & this came along so he entertained it
I know we approached him so naturally we might have to do more following up/initiating as I know more of him than he does for me so he may not be emotionally invested rn
But he rarely initiates anything. He agrees to talks and calls which have up until now been only with my father and brother, discussing background details and checks. Its been a couple months of this. The guy was insistent on talking to my father first. He’s very traditional and religious
We’ve been trying to arrange one with me and him but he doesn’t want to contact me directly on my number and he only wants to do it in the presence of a mahram. These are all green flags but also there’s a point where i ask is it just being reserved or is this guy actually interested ?
He has been travelling and visiting family abroad so he’s not been local to meet (he’s not local anyway)
He does agree to actions but not taking initiative to do anything. I’m trying not to take it personally because its not me and him talking directly but its been a couple months and i dont know how long to give his reservedness
I would say see it through, but don’t get emotionally invested in the idea of him and keep your options and heart open to other possibilities. And if in the later stages he still doesn’t take initiative, call it off. You’ll have a very tough time in life with him
I get having an initial talk w the dad or brother, but to only speak with them for months is weird. I’m really surprised you two haven’t spoken yet.
Sister he’s been dilly dallying for months, I’d cut him loose if I were you. Trust me, when a guy is interested he gets to WORK.
True but isnt this more so the case when he knows you to some personal level ?
Right now all he’s seen is one pic, not heard my voice or heard me irl. I’m just a bio
Doesn’t matter, he’s wasting everyone’s time and should have more respect for your family.
As a guy reading this, it seems strange that he can't at least be proactive enough to set up calls and meetings. You mentioned it's been a couple months or so of checks with family, which is fine, but in the background I would at least try and establish consistent contact OR initiate it actively after that was all established.
You say it appears he's not actively looking for marriage. Do his words, body language and demeanor reflect that? Or is he actually sensible and speaks calmly and reasonably?
Some people might give off an impression they don't mean to unintentionally, so maybe it's out of caution. One common and annoying thing however is potentials whose parents really want to see them married, but the potentials themselves don't! For me, why would I waste another person's time as well as my own time if my gut says something else?
Ultimately, marriage is both a huge blessing and responsibility so you should at least come to the table with honesty, integrity, and be straightforward and clear. As a man, at the very least just drive forward and lead things a bit more. That's probably not an obligation - a sister can absolutely step forward and that's welcome, but both parties need to be invested.
Yeah he isn’t proactive at all. Its like if we don’t organise something he won’t. Again he’s been in between travels and stuff so idk if thats keeping him back.
But the thing is he doesn’t know me personally, hasn’t seen me irl etc
So there isn’t his emotional investment yet. And like i keep mentioning. He wasn’t actively looking for marriage.
We didn’t talk to his parents, we spoke to him
How exactly are you expected to genuinely assess compatibility through chaperoned interactions?
Having a chaperone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re all sitting at the table talking together. What’s happened with me is the family would be In the living room and we’d be in the dining room just the two of us.
What makes you think you can't assess compatibility with a wali involved?
This is not an ad in fact I hated the marketing at first as it felt phony and greedy- but I tried inpairs recently and liked it tbh. I’ve never tried an app but figured this was anonymous enough so better. It’s pricey but I was surprised at how high quality the people on there were. They were solid guys mashaAllah
I got 3 matches. the first one seemed perfect, almost too good to be true, I accepted it and I guess he either never accepted it or rejected me? Idk what could’ve thrown him off bc our profiles aligned word by word and I feel like looks-wise we were in the same category. Anyways next two were quality people but I realized I needed to adjust my filters on location and ethnicity. One reached out on social media trying to make it work which tbh I found really sweet bc he wasn’t pushy. Although it didn’t lead to a connection, it gave me some hope of good options out there.
I feel like I could find a connection on there but not sure how much longer I can afford it, and the drops are so limited idk if I have the time
Interesting, I’ve only heard negative experiences so thanks for sharing your experience. I was quite hesitant to join so perhaps I shall reconsider.
I tried InPairs like a month ago, and got zero matches on all 3 drops, really bumped me out and I cancelled my membership.
I'm happy it worked out for you though, I may rejoin in a few months.
Oh man. maybe my profile was a bit easy honestly. I was flexible with many things and after the matches I got I realized I should tweak my profile to filter out some things. I feel like if they offered more drops in a month it would help retain people and give more opportunity. InshaAllah you find your person
Both of you can shoot me an DM! Happy to offer a month on us so you guys can keep trying it out iA :).
I think the best thing I did was only engage with prospects who made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough with my time.
Wdym you’re juggling a PhD, work, a novel and get 15k steps daily? It makes me sick but also motivated.
I need to feel a bit on edge, like there’s another level I could be unlocking. Is this eldest child trauma?
And then there's me as soon as I utter "I want to do a Ph.D in the future" more than half of my prospects run away 😂😂😭 or try to fit me in a box of what they think their ideal wife would be like and further education is a no-go.
Oh well, I guess it is my passion vs. Marriage now 😂 Thinking about giving up on my dream just breaks my heart. So idk.
Trust me there are men out there who will support your dreams and actively look for women who have personal pursuits outside of being a wife or mother.
True, insha Allah keeping my hopes up to come across the right person!
Jazak Allah, thank you sm, your words brought me comfort! Much love and prayers your way 🫶🏻✨️
Ameen💕
Please don't give up on your dream, if it's any consolation, I'm a guy and I would want my wife to pursue her passions and go for further education, I highly doubt I am rare or anything. My last serious potential was pursuing a PhD and honestly, it earned her extra brownie points haha. Also, is there even a guarantee of being married if you don't pursue a PhD? Perhaps the best strat would be to pursue marriage and still send off apps for doing a PhD, if you're not married by the start date of your PhD then at least you have that to look forward to
Edit: Best of luck with everything btw, inshallah it all works out for the best! Stay on top of your prayers + make use of istikhara and tahajjud + please please please be delusionally optimistic and apply for the best, believe in yourself, you've got this!! In my experience, higher tier institutions (both univeristies and companies) are more likely to give people a chance than lower tier institutions, always shoot your shot and never settle for less
True. Only this thought stopped me to not give up on my career/education. Otherwise last few months I was such a wreck that maybe it really is too much for other people to put up with it. And from their perspective it also made sense to me that why would someone put up with my long commitment to my education or PhD. So basically I ended up in a negative spiral.
Thank you! I wish the same for you! May everything work out for you and may the best things find you insha Allah Ameen! ✨️
Jazak Allah, thank you kind stranger, your words brought me a bit of peace. I've been guilt tripping myself lately and your words just brought me comfort. May Allah bless you endlessly 😭✨️
I'm meeting the opposite of this, whym you do nothing but study/work and read in your time? like no hobbies no gaming no dreams? how can someone live like this?
First of all, reading is a hobby. But a lot of times people will say they like reading and when you ask them what they’re into or read recently, they say they haven’t read since high school. Or people who say photography but only take food pics for instagram.
I was speaking w someone last year who did nothing except scroll instagram/tiktok. I didn’t believe them and they sent me their iPhone screen time. 9 hours a day. I haven’t rejected someone so fast
Bruh, and i thought i didn't have a life. But ye i agree, reading is a hobby but you cant tell me thats all you do. Like i read books, i write books, i play video games, watch podcasts about religion, i travel, etc... alhamdulillah and still feel like i'm not doing enough, so how can someone say they only read books and thats it??
If that’s your hobby and you enjoy it, it’s enough. There’s so many types of books, if you’re mainly reading fiction, switching to nonfiction is enough of a jump where you feel different. Or if you read plays instead. People don’t need a variety of hobbies or do them all year round. I have a camera but I’m not going out daily, maybe once a month or every other month, but I’ll still say I do photography.
exactly but you dont go doing phography 24/7, you gotta have something else you're doing, or you'll be just wasting time on reels or shorts
I don’t think hobbies are a waste of time or any of them should be shamed, some people have stressful jobs or studying and they need something to distract or destress them. So while you think reels or shorts is a waste, someone can say the exact same thing about video games, podcasts, etc.
i agree, you shouldn't be doing the same thing everyday. I have a stressful job and do multiple hobbies, so why others can't? I'm not talking about those with kids and responsibilities, I'm talking abt those who have free time and all they do is read books or play video games, too much of anything is bad. Anyway, we don't seem to agree so no need to prolong this useless talk.
Same, I'm talking to people who've been to 20+ countries and we're the same age. HOW?! 😭😭😭
Their family has more money. They too.
Travelling to a neighbouring country is also easier in Europe, in North Africa, in Asia.
If family has more money, they can give more money to their kids. They don't need monetary support. They might go to more vacations per year. As family and separately.
Some people work, and then they use that saved money in a gap year, to visit multiple countries.
Before covid, there were also occasionally deals for cheaper trips. (Not sure if that is still the case)
Weekend trip, or taking an extra vacation day at the start or end of a weekend, and taking such a trip. Can also be used to visit a different country.
Some people also have job, that has them travel. (Pilot or steward, some engineer jobs, some sales jobs etc.) Or a job that makes travel cheaper, such as working for a airline.
Naur as a middle child I agree. Not a prospect, but someone 2 years older than me who is a whole engineer, doctor and now working on their PhD. Opened my eyes on how I need to lock in times a 100.
I've been on the search now for a short while, and I understand it takes as long as it takes. This might just be a little rant on my part as to how I feel about the whole process, not just creating a profile on here but across other platforms too. But I find there seems to be little scope for trying to understand the person behind the profile. People are taken at face value of their profile. Now I'm not here to tell people what they should look for but it feels like searching through profiles is a check box and people are trying to get as many ticks as possibly to assume compatibility. Which to me seems pretty robotic of sorts. There seems to be little room for conversation and very early on people want to establish the hill they want to die on. But that's not how people work or life for that matter, people can change and perspectives can shift. All you're really trying to do with the initial talking phase is to establish compatibility and sense of communication which will be the foundation for any topics that arise. Maybe I am looking at this through the wrong lense, and it's been lingering in the back of mind since someone I was talking to dismissed my approach due to me not outline clearly my expectations of a spouse. But that's not how I see life. I don't feel people should fit into boxes of expectations but rather establish boundaries through communication.
To offer a different perspective, if that person has clearly defined expectations, they can view your vagueness as immaturity or just not compatible with their mindset.
No I see that perspective, it's one that a lot of people seem to hold, very clearly defined expectations. I think from my point of view I struggle to understand how you can have such exact expectations of a person in a situation that neither of the two people involved have been in. Especially without taking the time to understand the person or attempt to understand their thoughts process.
Between refusing to compromise and a lot of people giving priority to culture and protocols that have nothing to do with Islam, it's no wonder most are struggling.
I agree. I think alot of people these days are too focused on trying to find someone that fits perfectly in their list of requirements.
Perfection can never be attained. I think as long as a profile meets the minimum criteria you need in a person, the other points can be worked around. Personality and values matter alot more than senseless box ticking, which are things you can't judge just based on a profile.
A lot of these profiles don't hate minimum requirements. It's all or nothing.
When it comes to writing out a profile it feels like a double edge sword too. I don't have a list of check boxes so my Iso would look a little barren and give the vibe that I'm not really invested, but then filling it out for the sake of hitting a word count, discounts a lot of people. Really does feel like a lose-lose situation
Same here. When I posted an ISO, it felt so unnatural to write. Mine seemed so bare compared to others, but it's cos I didn't have a massive list of requirements. The best way to actually get to know someone is by talking to them. I've seen many posts here saying a potential or fiancé "ticks all the boxes" but then struggle with getting along or have clashing values etc. Which just proves my point further!
Precisely. All that does is sow seeds of doubt within yourself right? It's why then we see countless posts of people not knowing how long to prolonged the talking stage or asking for advice that contradicts their own expectations. It's almost like you're setting yourself up to fail. There's no harm at all having high expectations in life, but a completely different thing entirely having expectations of a stranger that's approached as a potential
Salaam! I know there are iterations of this already posted but would love to get some thoughts on this specific instance. I (30F) have just started speaking to someone based in another state in the US who has made it clear he is unable to relocate due to work. We were introduced through trusting friends and he sounds really great on paper and after actually talking is someone that I know I would be excited about if we were located in the same geographical area. I have always said I am open to relocating, but the thought of actually doing that really stresses me out - I am very close with my family who are all local as well as many close friends, and have always envisioned my life here longterm. Obviously people move all the time and at some point the person is worth doing that for, but my question is how did you even know you wanted to keep speaking to get to that point? I don't want to string him along, and did say from the onset that it is something I have to think about, but I also don't want to miss out on someone because of location. Any thoughts or if you have been in the situation how did you know what to do!?
Walaikum assalam!
Compatibility and alignment matters far more than location for me and I’ve found that strictly limiting geography can significantly shrink the pool of good potential matches.
That said, your hesitation makes complete sense. As someone who has moved away from family for my education, I know firsthand how hard it is. Moving is not just about changing your address, it essentially feels like you are leaving your old life, your support system and a version of yourself behind. I know it is scary and it is okay to be scared.
If location is the only hurdle and everything else aligns, it may be worth continuing the conversation a bit longer, not with pressure to decide now, but to see whether this is someone you'd eventually feel safe building a new life with. Practical things (like proximity to family, frequency of visits, potentially relocating to some place closer to your family in the future, and expectations around travel etc) can and should be discussed openly. These questions and the answers will give you an idea if you both can make it work.
Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong answer here, just what feels sustainable for you. But I wouldn't rule out a strong match too early if geography is the only uncertainty.
Met on Muzz. Everything Aligned… Except One Thing.
Salam everyone,
I’m in my early 20s and wanted to share an experience to get perspective and advice on how to process it in a healthy way. Especially because I’m having a hard time accepting it and I think I won’t find someone else like this again.
About 10 months ago, I met a guy on a Muslim marriage app. We were both serious about marriage, very aligned on deen, values, future goals, family expectations, logic, and lifestyle. Our communication was consistent but healthy, we weren’t attached 24/7, we respected each other’s time, and we both felt the relationship was calm, understanding, and emotionally safe.
He is very academically driven and genuinely passionate about his work, particularly in STEM, and has always been very clear/ confident about his path. He’s doing grad school at a prestigious uni. I admired that about him. I would consider myself reasonably/average intelligent. I’ve always done well academically, attend a good university, and value learning but I’m currently still figuring out my long-term academic direction. I’m also not particularly strong in STEM. He often talked about what he was working on, and while I’m still an undergrad and not in his field, I listened and engaged as best as I could. This difference in academic background was known and acknowledged early on and never presented as an issue.
We live in different countries, and he visited me three times. During the most recent visit, I gently reminded him of my marriage timeline (which I had been upfront about from the start): that I wouldn’t want to continue talking beyond specific amount of time without moving toward engagement. I brought it up because I genuinely liked him and felt myself getting emotionally invested.
After he returned from his recent visit, his communication changed noticeably. After 2 days, he asked to call. During that call, he told me he didn’t think we should continue the relationship.
He explained that when I brought up engagement/ marriage, he didn’t feel the excitement he thought he “should,” which made him pause and reflect deeply. After praying and thinking, he realized that he wants a partner he can have very technical, intellectually challenging conversations with — someone who can directly rebut, challenge, and push his ideas in his specific area of interest/work. He described this as a dealbreaker for him and said he places this close to religious compatibility in importance, which surprised me.
The conversation itself was respectful and clear, but it was still difficult to hear, especially because everything else felt aligned. During the call his demeanor was distant and final and the decision came without prior discussion between us during the time he was reflecting. This was the only reason he gave for ending things, and it had been present from the beginning of our connection even if its importance only became clear to him later.
I fully respect that people are allowed to have their own dealbreakers and needs. At the same time, I’m struggling to process this. I’m left feeling a mix of disappointment and confusion because it came down to a difference I didn’t see as limiting long-term compatibility. I personally believe that deep connection, emotional intimacy, and growing together don’t necessarily require mirroring each other intellectually or being in the same technical field.
I’m trying to hold space for both truths: that his needs are valid, and that it’s okay for me to feel unsettled by how quickly something otherwise healthy ended.
How do you make sense of a relationship that was healthy, respectful, and aligned in almost every way-except for one thing that ends it?
I’d appreciate hearing different perspectives or opinions.
JazakAllah khair for reading.
I'm not going to comment on his actions because the above comments by others do a very good job of sharing possible perspectives and are worded way better than I could. I will just add that for some people, intellectual compatibility is a need and not simply a preference, but ten months to come to the conclusion it doesn't exist?
I'm also intrigued by how people assess intellectual compatibility, because if it's by degrees or the absence thereof, then boy do I have a history of the schooling system in the West (and by extension, the rest of the World due to the influence of the West) ready. Intellectuality exists in various forms, and the very basic requirement of which is curiosity. We can learn so much just by observation and through the lives of others. It's not all found in books, much less schools/universities. If someone is a curious person (about anything, literally), then they have the basis for establishing a fruitful, intellectual relationship with anyone they want/anyone who wants that from them.
But anyway, on the processing it: thank Allah. Grieve it, however you need to, don't block the emotions. Cry if you must. There's no shame. And then pick yourself up again and move on. Don't try to sit and think about different perspectives, because all of these are assumptions, and we don't know why it took him so long to reach his conclusion. So, if you can, try to have husn-i-dhann for him and pray for him too, and then move on. The closure you need is closure you can provide for yourself and can be sought from Allah.
Allah has your back. We don't know what's good for us, but Allah does. And what's yours will never miss you. So he was never yours in the first place.
You'll have learnt so much from this experience, and there's always a reason why people enter our lives, so ask Allah for clarity, learn from it, and move forward.
The only thing I will add, though, and the reason I actually wanted to comment is: don't get bogged down on the intellectual compatibility thing by trying to adapt yourself going forward. As women, we tend to take criticism differently and it can lead to us adapting and changing our behaviour. I think that's the most dangerous part about this entire process for women and why I often think we have a Wali container, because we end up thinking we're the problem, and 'if only I was more (insert: anything - prettier, taller, shorter, intelligent, less intelligent, practising, less practising, and the list goes on) things would have been different, and therefore I need to change', etc.
But, it's not you at all. [I'm talking about criticism regarding general things, not bad habits, etc].
Someone will match you and love you for you, and is praying for a wife exactly like you. So trust Allah and move forward. No one deserves to take up that much brain space without paying for it (i.e. commitment).
I also found it interesting how differently people assess intellectual compatibility but I’d never really thought about it until this experience. I agree that curiosity is the foundation of it, not degrees or where someone went to school. I didn’t expect that someone would need a partner in the same exact field for long-term compatibility, but you live and you learn.
As for the rest of your reply, you are so right. Your reply is so thoughtful and insightful. Thank you especially for the reminder not to internalize this or adapt myself around it. I’ve recently realized that, without fully noticing, I have been stressing myself and trying to become “more” of what he wanted in my head, even though that was never explicitly asked of me. Reading your comment helped me pause and recognize that, and I really appreciate it!
You're very welcome. I'm glad it helped.
It's not just you, we all often end up doing this, hence why I wanted to comment on it because I was worried based on what, and specifically, how you wrote, that you were probably walking down that path without realising.
As women, when we're criticised (or take something as a criticism), then we try to change that thing about us. I think it's because we find safety in being liked. There's no danger, so long as we're liked. We're not going to be ostracised from the group, so long as we're liked, etc. It's almost an automatic nervous system response in order to feel safe.
Whereas for men, criticism is often just another opinion (and if it's from a woman he loves, it often has a negative effect and makes him pull away, hence why we have to be careful with how we say something, and not just what we say,).
Our response in adapting isn't always harmful for us as women, but it is harmful if it's coming up during the search process, because until someone is your husband, their criticisms are opinions that are irrelevant. They're just another person.
By adapting, you'll end up exhausting yourself and coming to resent others for it later, even though, as you said, it was never explicitly asked of you. But as women, we tend to end up adapting anyway, and in some places it's fine, but in others, it's not. We think it's helping our relationship, but it actually harms it in the long run because that resentment will come out at some point (for some, it comes out some ten+ years later), and then your spouse won't know where it's come from or why, and if you try to communicate, they will (rightly) say that they never asked you to change. So it's not healthy for you or your spouse or your relationship.
This is usually why I worry about the search process for women and those doing it alone. When we have support (familial/wali), it's easier to spot if we're adapting where we shouldn't. Otherwise, it's really hard, and we think we're the problem, and only Allah knows how many times we adapt and change things about ourselves by the end of the process.
You don't want to leave this process as a shell of who you really are and by shedding yourself of those things that light you up, because those are exactly the things that someone else is searching for in their spouse, and the things that fill your cup, which will allow you to fill your husband's cup, etc. There's someone out there who wants you for you. The more you stay authentic to yourself and your own likes/dislikes, the more likely it is you'll attract the right person for you, insha'Allah, and have a healthy relationship.
Again, I'm not talking about bad habits etc or criticism of those, which we should all be striving to rectify anyway.
Never say that you won’t find someone like him again. There’s always someone better out there that Allah has in store for you. And in your case, he didn’t even fulfill the most basic requirement in a man which is leading you towards the path to marriage. I don’t know, if your parents have been involved, but if they haven’t been, that’s a big red flag and should be avoided at all costs.
He is absolutely allowed to change his mind and have dealbreakers. No one is owed marriage.
But keeping someone in a serious, marriage oriented relationship for nearly a year and then ending it over a difference that was clearly present and acknowledged from the very beginning shows a profound lack of integrity and accountability.
That difference did not magically surface at month ten. What changed was that commitment stopped being hypothetical and started requiring real action. Instead of confronting his uncertainty honestly and early, he chose to stay, enjoy the emotional connection, stability, validation, and companionship, and delay making a decision.
He only walked away at the very last possible moment, when commitment was no longer avoidable. That delay was not neutral. It transferred the full cost of his indecision onto the other person and caused unnecessary emotional damage that could have been avoided with basic honesty and backbone.
I agree it didn’t magically appear in the last month, he actually acknowledged that himself. He said the difference was always there, what changed was his understanding of how central it was for him once marriage became a real step. He explained that it was ultimately a matter of time before he reached this realization, and that my reminder about marriage prompted deeper reflection. In his words, he felt that since he would spend most of his future time with his wife, he needed to be able to have very technical conversations with her. This reasoning still doesn’t fully make sense to me. I said that he already has coworkers, lab mates, professors, etc., who can all engage with him at that level, but he still didn’t agree.
If something is truly central to you, you don’t keep someone in a serious, marriage oriented connection for nearly a year while knowing that, that seems incredibly inconsiderate towards your feelings and time. To me it seems more like commitment issues and avoidant tendencies and those are things you can’t realistically fix.
I also struggle with the logic. Wanting intellectual stimulation is valid, but expecting your spouse to fulfill every niche need, especially one he already satisfies through colleagues, mentors, and peers, feels unrealistic. It comes across less as compatibility and more as idealization. And honestly, if this is something he would eventually use to look down on you or measure your worth, then that’s not the foundation of a healthy marriage.
Yeah i’m glad you kept him straight and saved yourself from longer draining. Do you really think if you hadn’t brought up your timelines, he would respect your time and bring up this conversation? Ask yourself how serious this person actually was about marrying you?
It took him 10 months to realize he wasn’t having intellectually stimulating conversations with you?
He had ulterior motives and realized you were on your toes in regard to your values and then fled when he realized he wouldn’t get want he wanted.
All that bragging about being smart just to end up being a dunce.