I married a balance beam in third grade. Should I tell my husband that our marriage is invalid? What is the divorce process between a former eight year old virgin and her balance beam spouse? Do we need a lawyer?
I envy those who are married to their bicycles. I'm married to the iron pole in my grandma's yard that I attempted to climb as a kid, failing catastrophically. (Basically got hit in the crotch with an iron pole as a result. Not as bad as the time I got hit in the head with an iron pole, but it wasn't my first choice of husband.)
I lost mine to the metal knob on a weight lifting bench (slipped while straddling). Ironically I have also been hit in the head with an iron pole, too. More than once.
I fell water-skiing in junior high, and while I'm going to be very sad to tell the person I thought was my husband that our marriage is invalid because a lake was inside me first, I'm consoled by the fact that it didn't rupture my intestines when it took all of my "virginities" at once.
Yes, of course he knows all about my previous "partner" and all the stuff we did together. He married me anyway. Isn't he so accepting? 😋
I am apparently married to gymnastics/ or I was basically born to have no husband because my dr thinks I may just have had no hymen or a very minimal one.
I’m married to a hurdle from middle school gym class. Or is it just that I’m married to gym class in general? Either way, we’re not a good match as I biffed it on that hurdle (the lowest one) and almost broke my ankle. Me + physical anything is just a bad romance.
My poor husband will be devastated though. Oh well…
These morons think a hymen is a freshness seal. Can’t fathom the fact that hymens don’t always break during sex, or that they can break from things like gymnastics and horseback riding.
I don’t think I was born with one! I can’t recall any childhood activities that could have resulted in that. No pain or discomfort inserting tampons at 12 years old. And the first time I had sex it wasn’t painful and I didn’t bleed. I don’t remember seeing any extra skin there when I was a kid and would “inspect” myself with a mirror. It is not a freshness seal at all, I wish this shit was taught in sex ed.
Same! I don’t think I ever had one cuz I have never used tampons, only pads. And never any random bleeding, it was always my period. And the first time I had sex there was no bleeding..
I prefer to read erotica instead of watching porn. But it's so annoying when i read stories and they're like, "he looked at her and saw the seal" or "her barrier was still there." Like, that's not how it works.
Ewww that would turn me off of the entire genre. ETA Also how is spreading someone open and looking into the depths of their vagina a part of their foreplay? Those people don't realise that they watched too much fetish porn. People don't do that in real life
Fairly certain mine broke due to horseback riding. I bled and thought I was having my first period, but it was very light then didn't happen again for years.
There are many "innocent" activities a girl child can engage in - such as gymnastics, horseback riding, cycling, inserting tampons or menstrual cups, and pelvic exams - that can break or tear the hymen. Should the woman remain unmarried?
Conversely it is possible to have an especially thick hymen that won't tear with attempted intercourse, or an imperforate hymen that has no opening at all to release menstrual fluid. In both these cases it is necessary to get surgical help to remove the hymen. Should women with this issue marry their surgeon?
YES! YES, SHE SHOULD! She shall never bring negative people into her live, she shall never let soul-suckers suck every ounce of energy out of her being and she shall spend her time only with things and people that give her positive things back when she spends her time and attention on them. Remaining unmarried to men is the smallest common denominator of these life goals.
Lol. If men had an equivalent of a hymen, they would be married to their own hand though. Why do men have an obsession with being the first thing inside of a woman? We need to clear out an island and leave them stranded on it so this idea can finally die out.
Mine broke after I jumped off a high dive in a lake and landed in the splits lmao, it hurt so much I almost drowned. That particular high dive was removed a year later because it was too high and tons of people were getting injured.
Even after the first time I had had sex, i was with a different guy and all he did was finger me and i still bled some more (and the first guy i slept with was not small by any means either). The guy kept asking me if I was a virgin. I was like, "no, I'm not." He's like, "it's okay if you are." I'm like, "I'm not though." I was only 20 at the time. (I'm 31 now). But if that had happened later in life, i would've been like, "bleeding doesn't indicate whether or not you're a virgin." Smh. The human body isn't an end all, be all.
Hymens can literally break from simply falling. Some are even born without them. I absolutely hate people who know jack 💩 about the female body, but feel they have a right to comment about it like an object they bought.. “He broke the seal!!!!”
this poor loser has no idea that most women break their own hymens while masturbating, usually during their teenage years and/or far before being with anyone (yes, anyone, not only men lmao).
I read once that its purpose is primarily for when you're a baby and can't really stay on top of your own hygiene, so that bacteria from feces don't get into the vagina as easily, I'm not sure how true that actually is though.
If a man doesn't brake her hymen she keeps going faster and faster until the resulting sonic boom of her movement causes the destruction of the solar system
This is funny to me for so many reasons but let's humour them for a moment.
Moving forward any man who sleeps with a woman for the first time is financially and emotionally responsible for her for the rest of her life, he's her husband after all.
She doesn't need to work, he'll buy her a house, pay her a stipend and be wholly responsible for her existence.
Well then I guess my marriage certificate means jack shit cause I wasn't born with a hymen. Does that also mean my child is Jesus? Am I still a virgin cause I never "broke my seal?"
I wonder what it would be like if people were misinformed about men's bodies as much as women's. "The penis is supposed to bleed the first time, that's how you know you broke the urethra and they aren't a virgin anymore."
Well then I guess I threw away my first husband when I tossed out the tampon I used on my first period.
R.I.P. 😔
Rest in peace Mr. Walmart brand tampon, you will be missed
A lot of women out there who don't realise they're married to a bicycle
Or the fact they’ll never be married at all, since many women’s hymen can dissolve over time
A hymen does not dissolve.
Not dissolve exactly but is worn down to the point that when it “tears” it is not really a tear bc there is no feeling or blood.
I married a balance beam in third grade. Should I tell my husband that our marriage is invalid? What is the divorce process between a former eight year old virgin and her balance beam spouse? Do we need a lawyer?
I think you just need a panel of 9 Olympic Judges
In my opinion, you shouldn’t have to be lumbered with anything like that
For me its the... air? That im married to?
Gymnastics, the long skinny trampoline, and doing splits in the air.
I’m apparently married to the ice surface at a skating rink!
To say the least, that would be a slippery divorce
I envy those who are married to their bicycles. I'm married to the iron pole in my grandma's yard that I attempted to climb as a kid, failing catastrophically. (Basically got hit in the crotch with an iron pole as a result. Not as bad as the time I got hit in the head with an iron pole, but it wasn't my first choice of husband.)
I lost mine to the metal knob on a weight lifting bench (slipped while straddling). Ironically I have also been hit in the head with an iron pole, too. More than once.
I was not a graceful child.
I'm biblically married to a pavement I fell on unfortunatelly when I was four <3
Or a horse
if my tampon didnt do it, it was my gyno during my first pap smear. ow
I fell water-skiing in junior high, and while I'm going to be very sad to tell the person I thought was my husband that our marriage is invalid because a lake was inside me first, I'm consoled by the fact that it didn't rupture my intestines when it took all of my "virginities" at once.
Yes, of course he knows all about my previous "partner" and all the stuff we did together. He married me anyway. Isn't he so accepting? 😋
It’s appropriately ironic how many chuds have been (edit: cucked; stupid autocorrect) by, especially feminine, hygiene products.
I’m married to a surgeon- neat!
I am apparently married to gymnastics/ or I was basically born to have no husband because my dr thinks I may just have had no hymen or a very minimal one.
I’m married to a hurdle from middle school gym class. Or is it just that I’m married to gym class in general? Either way, we’re not a good match as I biffed it on that hurdle (the lowest one) and almost broke my ankle. Me + physical anything is just a bad romance.
My poor husband will be devastated though. Oh well…
This is the most hilarious comment I’ve read in quite a long time
Can’t tell you how many of us are apparently married to tampons then lmao
These morons think a hymen is a freshness seal. Can’t fathom the fact that hymens don’t always break during sex, or that they can break from things like gymnastics and horseback riding.
And that they don’t always exist.
I don’t think I was born with one! I can’t recall any childhood activities that could have resulted in that. No pain or discomfort inserting tampons at 12 years old. And the first time I had sex it wasn’t painful and I didn’t bleed. I don’t remember seeing any extra skin there when I was a kid and would “inspect” myself with a mirror. It is not a freshness seal at all, I wish this shit was taught in sex ed.
you can tell OOP is the kind of person who thinks sex ed is grooming
Same! I don’t think I ever had one cuz I have never used tampons, only pads. And never any random bleeding, it was always my period. And the first time I had sex there was no bleeding..
Honestly, I'm jealous. Mine was thick and acted like a "do not cross" bridge that tampons would get stuck on. D;
Nah if it doesn't make the same pop sound as the tamper evident seal on a jar of pickles, then you can't consummate the marriage
Please don’t make me laugh, I just spent several minutes coughing up my guts after reading that
I prefer to read erotica instead of watching porn. But it's so annoying when i read stories and they're like, "he looked at her and saw the seal" or "her barrier was still there." Like, that's not how it works.
Ewww that would turn me off of the entire genre. ETA Also how is spreading someone open and looking into the depths of their vagina a part of their foreplay? Those people don't realise that they watched too much fetish porn. People don't do that in real life
If it's about horseback riding we talking about, then you gotta know that the horse is the husband in that case.
Ah I see, we gotta get that bestiality accusation in there somewhere
Fairly certain mine broke due to horseback riding. I bled and thought I was having my first period, but it was very light then didn't happen again for years.
You are apparently married to a horse!
A now dead female horse 🐎🤔🤣
There are many "innocent" activities a girl child can engage in - such as gymnastics, horseback riding, cycling, inserting tampons or menstrual cups, and pelvic exams - that can break or tear the hymen. Should the woman remain unmarried?
Conversely it is possible to have an especially thick hymen that won't tear with attempted intercourse, or an imperforate hymen that has no opening at all to release menstrual fluid. In both these cases it is necessary to get surgical help to remove the hymen. Should women with this issue marry their surgeon?
Regarding your first paragraph:
YES! YES, SHE SHOULD! She shall never bring negative people into her live, she shall never let soul-suckers suck every ounce of energy out of her being and she shall spend her time only with things and people that give her positive things back when she spends her time and attention on them. Remaining unmarried to men is the smallest common denominator of these life goals.
“Should these women who don’t fit this stereotype not get married?”
“Yes, because men suck”
Crazy jump 💀
No, marry the bike
She's already married to it, since the one who "brakes the seal" is automatically the husband. DUHHH focus!!
so the bicycles and tampons getting most of these gals? 👀
Yes. I love my bicycle a lot🤣
Don't forget the horses! The gentle ones used in the beginners classes must have harems filled with women of all ages.
I wish it was a tampon... I'm married to a juggalo 🤡😭
My hymen goes so fast it never brakes!
surreal imagery
I imagine thats what they meant way back when they said women shouldn't go on trains because their uterus would shoot out
true lol
But what if I broke it myself? Do I stay single forever?
You’re married to your hand or what object you used
RIP my first tampon
Yes, because it's a better life than one spent with men
Lol. If men had an equivalent of a hymen, they would be married to their own hand though. Why do men have an obsession with being the first thing inside of a woman? We need to clear out an island and leave them stranded on it so this idea can finally die out.
Gonna be hard to marry that dildo...
Hosea (the Biblical prophet) married a sex worker. So, false.
Yeah. A lot of people pull this bs but clearly haven't actually read the Bible.
Someone stole my husband though...
(A bicycle)
I bet he’s out there cheating
the village bicycle smh
Well, you should set the brake on the hymen if you're going to be parked on an incline.
You don't want to wake up one morning with your hymen rolled out in the middle of the street
These men that speak about being the one and only… Have probably put their dick into many women. For these men that want this…
There needs to be a freshness seal around their dick. Once it’s broken…no women will tread there! So dumb.
Maybe nobody wants your neighborhood dick either?
Lol. What are they always on about? They need to be the same they want or gtfo.
Mine broke after I jumped off a high dive in a lake and landed in the splits lmao, it hurt so much I almost drowned. That particular high dive was removed a year later because it was too high and tons of people were getting injured.
Whats it like being married to a lake?
At least the lake knows how to get me wet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
😄👍cackling 💦
I guess I’m married to my daughter because I didn’t fully lose mine until I gave birth.
I wish you could tell this to OOP. Their head would implode 💢🤯💢
i’m 99% certain i broke mine while horseback riding. which would make my “husband” a fat old mare.
Gonna have to find that horse and tell her you're mare-ied 💍
The way mine cheated on me, I can say with full surety that I don't want that many sister wives (or any).
I was born without a hymen. Does that mean I’m an eternal virgin?
I’m off to go tell my husband of 18 years. He’s gonna be so confused.
Well mazel tov to my “husband,” who I haven’t seen in almost 20 years lol
Sorry, a pussy is not a canister of Pringles.
If he can't spell "break" properly, he shouldn't be anywhere near a hymen 🙄
So, this means we can't marry our anime husbands. 🥀
Welp I might be married to a tampon
we all are, really.
She's a human being, not a jar of pickles. FFS.
This is one of those days where I really wish I wasn’t literate. 😵💫
I guess I’m married to my index finger, then.
Even after the first time I had had sex, i was with a different guy and all he did was finger me and i still bled some more (and the first guy i slept with was not small by any means either). The guy kept asking me if I was a virgin. I was like, "no, I'm not." He's like, "it's okay if you are." I'm like, "I'm not though." I was only 20 at the time. (I'm 31 now). But if that had happened later in life, i would've been like, "bleeding doesn't indicate whether or not you're a virgin." Smh. The human body isn't an end all, be all.
Then why is it a sin to loose virginity before marriage? She's literally loosing it to her husband (:
The Bible says marriage is sacred. So ge's committing heresy and is being an incel at the same time.
Lots of tampon widows here!
Bro can't even tell the difference between brake and break. Why would i listen to his alleged wisdom.
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
These people are always so inexplicably stupid.
ok i'm pretty desensitized but wtf?
What if, by this definition, the man is already “married”?
Oh, I'm sure it's OK that he gets to wife himself multiple females - no probs. God would want it that way. Or something.
what a horrible day to have eyes
You know I was gonna list out all the reasons why this logic is faulty but this person already appears to be in a braincell deficit…
Am I supposed to marry the doctor who put my IUD in or the speculum used to insert it?
No you have to marry the device itself, otherwise it’s a sin
And if it wasn’t a man??
This is laughable content. Completely dystopian. Yet they’ve been brainwashed to encourage this ideology.
Cults are wild.
Well, I have some news for my menstrual cup I guess.
Where do they think fucking menstruation blood comes from?
Hymens can literally break from simply falling. Some are even born without them. I absolutely hate people who know jack 💩 about the female body, but feel they have a right to comment about it like an object they bought.. “He broke the seal!!!!”
My hymen is very soft, so it never broke. I’ll go tell the hubs we’re not married and i’m saving my virginity from now on.
this poor loser has no idea that most women break their own hymens while masturbating, usually during their teenage years and/or far before being with anyone (yes, anyone, not only men lmao).
I immediately heard cartoonist braking, tires squealing, and a crash. 🤣
Why was god and evolution so evil to us to even give us hyme
I read once that its purpose is primarily for when you're a baby and can't really stay on top of your own hygiene, so that bacteria from feces don't get into the vagina as easily, I'm not sure how true that actually is though.
That’s not even true in the Bible lol
If a man doesn't brake her hymen she keeps going faster and faster until the resulting sonic boom of her movement causes the destruction of the solar system
Mine healed and got broken twice. Do I have two husbands or do I get to pick one?
SCANDALOUS WENCH!
I loled for real.
I’m married to myself then I guess.
I’m my own husband
(Broke my hymen with a tampon)
I guess my husband is the bike i rode at 9 years old.
My husband is a hairbrush 🥰
This is funny to me for so many reasons but let's humour them for a moment.
Moving forward any man who sleeps with a woman for the first time is financially and emotionally responsible for her for the rest of her life, he's her husband after all.
She doesn't need to work, he'll buy her a house, pay her a stipend and be wholly responsible for her existence.
:)
Your move, incels.
guess im married to myself then
Well then I guess my marriage certificate means jack shit cause I wasn't born with a hymen. Does that also mean my child is Jesus? Am I still a virgin cause I never "broke my seal?"
guess I was always destined to never have a true husband then since I was born without a hymen lol
Then there might be a crash. Practice responsible driving, kids.
I can't get over the word "seal". Some people genuinely think it's like a Capri Sun. I have no idea how they think periods work.
The concept of virginity is so 0 BCE.
I had a septated hymen (there was a band in the middle that created 2 small holes.) Does that mean I could’ve had two husbands if I saved 1 hole each?
I’ll have to tell my husband we aren’t married after all but that I will not raise our children with a wonderful vibrator.
I wonder what it would be like if people were misinformed about men's bodies as much as women's. "The penis is supposed to bleed the first time, that's how you know you broke the urethra and they aren't a virgin anymore."
I’m not going to make the very dark joke about my trauma that I was going to, but just know it was quite shocking and would have had this guy reeling
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The title is quoting the idiot. Therefore "brake". Full stop