First off I realize what a huge mistake it was & deeply regret it and would never do it again but I can’t go back in time & undo it. I work in a tiny library where some regulars come in for game night that’s very chill and relaxed so it would give the feeling of being around friends. The local news in town is how they’re trying to shut down the library, so one of the regulars, an almost 70 year old woman, asked for my contact information to keep in touch in case that happens. Not thinking, I figured what’s the harm in giving her my personal email address, since I get enough spam what’s one more unwanted email. She said “put your phone number too”. I said I don’t really like talking on the phone. I should’ve said no, there’s boundaries and this is crossing them, but I was a wus and didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I wrote it down too. Now she’ll call or text me every time she wants to come to the library, ask if I’m there, ask who else is there etc. Aside from just waiting for the library to close & blocking her, is there an tactful way to get her to stop? This woman shared that she is bipolar and I’ve noticed very emotional and prone to outbursts and yelling and cursing so I don’t want to poke the bear.
If you don't feel like blocking immediately, reiterate your boundaries first. "Hey, I really appreciate you thinking of me for the news coverage. I love saying hello when you come to the library, but my phone number is meant for my closest friends and family and I'd be so grateful if you call the library line if you need any more assistance from me." See if she can abide, and if not then you draw the hard line.
Thank you. That would be something good to say.
Yes, you could say something like, 'I'm sorry I gave it to you for the purpose of notifying me quickly about the outcome of such-n-such but I can't always answer my cell day-to-day here at the library. Easier to just call the library number."
Block move on. Rarely ate patrons "friends". I've run into issues myself forgetting this
Exactly! If you don't know them outside of the library I would be pretty cautious about mixing your work life with your personal life.
Please don’t eat patrons.
I do digital literacy outreach and an unfortunate consequence is that patrons may get my number (if I call them for “practice answering” or check that their phone car connection works etc…). If any call me I NEVER answer. If they leave a voicemail I call them back from the library on the library phone when I’m in the building next. I always reiterate that contacting the library directly is the best way to reach me.
You’ve given a great example. Thank you.
You may known this already and I can't remember exactly what it is but there's a way to make your number appear as unknown/private by adding an additional number in front of the phone number before calling.
According to google, in North America its *67 (unrelated to the current meme phenomenon haha) and *31# in Australia and there's probably other ones around for other places? I assume it still works, I used it a lot as a teacher during covid when I had to called parents during lockdown and no way was I giving parents my phone number.
You can also generally set your number to show as private in your phone settings! I found the number in front useful though because I could add it for work phone calls but still have my number show for personal stuff like when I called my family! :)
I was just logging in to say this. Used it all the time.
Would a VoIP work to keep them from having your real number?
Definitely but apparently that’s out of budget for outreach… 🫠 and I could use google voice through my personal Gmail but that gets messy.
Maybe less messy than using your personal line?
What's stopping you from just blocking her?
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That sounds overly complex - on my (old) Samsung I can block calls just from the call history or even at the time they call or text me.
Should be able to request a block at the carrier level.
Sure, and that might end up being OP's answer.
I have Samsung.
block them and if the patron asks just say you changed your number and you've been informed departmental policy prevents you from giving it out.
That's a good response!
Block them.
I think you really need to let your boss know, if you haven’t already. Hopefully they can give you direction & support you in this.
I’m the only employee. It’s a very small library.
Ok. I know things can vary between libraries, especially very small ones. Are there any policies for your library? Any policies about patron (library user) conduct or staff personal information (which includes personal email/phone number) or how someone can contact the library?
You have a good point to check for policies first. There’s not a policy that covers this subject but the library does have a phone number. She used it once, and I happily communicated with her over the library phone. Maybe she tries that number first and if I don’t answer it she goes for my cell. Others are saying just don’t answer my cell. I think that’s probably best.
This might partially depend on how tech-literate she is, but I think you should block her on your phone and email (or just don’t respond when she texts/calls/emails - try to set your phone so it doesn’t ring when she specifically texts/calls). (And avoid having your personal phone out at work.)
If she asks why you aren’t responding to her, say that you recently updated your phone (and maybe actually update it if you can just to help it feel more believable to you) and have been having problems with it. (Go with general “problems” & avoid getting specific - it’ll be easier to keep up with if she continues to try to ask you about it.)
Then, tell her that if she has any library-related questions, she can stop by the library when it’s open, use library phone number during open hours, or email library email & you’ll get back to her when you can during library hours. If you can, throw in some minor grumbles about the difficulties of technology (this can work wonders with some people, especially with a lot of old people).
The key thing here is finding something external/ someone else to blame - generally a boss (who’s in on the plan & supports you), library policy, or something else that’s not you & out of your control.
💯🙏
Just don’t respond.
Block her number but if you feel bad just doing that, especially with no notice (or you're worried she'll have a reaction you have to deal with in person), give her a heads up blaming the library policy.
Hi (old lady), just letting you know I've been informed that as per library policy, I'm not able to have contact with any patron using non library phones or I can get in trouble. I won't be able to respond or read any calls or messages from you going forward. Thanks for your understanding.
Helps especially if your library DOES have a policy about contact with patrons. If they don't and there's any other employees (though from your other comment I'm not sure there is?), maybe give them a heads up in case she asks them about the "policy" so they don't tell her something different if she asks them about it.
Block her. You don't owe her an explanation.
A little lie could work. Tell her you forgot about the library policy that says you can't give out your home number. Say thank you for understanding and she can always call the library number. Then block her.
Block and don’t give out your personal contact information again.
This! If you don't know them outside of the library don't give them your info.
I feel you. We have to contact students on Teams when they don't return laptops to the library, etc. Most of them acknowledge your message and never contact you again but for every 99 that act okay, you'll get one who'll start trying to contact you at 11pm on a Sunday night because they can't get on their home wifi with their college laptop and they genuinely expect you'll help them. The lack of awareness some people have is astounding. You never know who it's gonna be so any time you message a student it's like, are you gonna be the one that starts treating me like ChatbloodyGPT.
Try not to feel too bad. In a sad way, she'll be used to it and it's really not your fault or your problem.
Haha. Thanks for sharing that. :)
Get a Google number and say your phone number is changing to that.
I have a Google number for all the potential spam calls, texts, and notifications I might get from signing up for stuff.
I should also note that since I'm seeing it a lot in the comments: Personal info sharing is a huge no. Full stop. That includes sharing whether or not your coworkers are on shift, what they're doing, or what happened to them. You never know who is asking for that information and how they are related to the person they are asking for.
"I don't know" and "I'm not sure" are perfectly acceptable answers with "I can help" or "I can pass the message along!"
💯👆👆👆👆 Absolutely.
You have no idea who is a creepy stalker!
Silence her ring and only look at her communications during hours if you don't want to block her.
Block her number, and her email. If you see her in the library, find yourself somewhere out of sight. I made a similar mistake a few months ago.
I’m curious how that turned out?
I will not write about them here. You may message me, if you like.
I do not want to pry or disturb you, but I really appreciated you sharing that you had a similar experience so I didn’t feel like the only one who fell into that. 🙏
Maybe get a Google voice number, and just tell her you’ve changed numbers? At least then you can limit the amount of notifications
I appreciate your post. I am prone to this kind of boundary-pushing and the reminder not to do this is helpful. There should also be a way on your phone to filter her calls and messages so that she doesn’t know she’s blocked, but you don’t receive notifications. That would avoid her knowing that you’ve blocked her while you reset boundaries with her. I do this when I need a break from a certain family member, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Thanks for saying that. you’re right I’m sure I could play around with settings to not get. Notification without blocking. I’m going to try that.
Yeah, I made that mistake once. I just wound up blocking their number.
I'm Team Block.
"I'm sorry, Susan, but I really can't be using my phone at work, it makes people think I'm not doing my job, and that could hurt the library"
receiving a text does not obligate you to respond
I give out my cell to patrons when we need to communicate directly and email isn’t immediate enough. Probably about a dozen times a year. I have never had anyone then call or text me inappropriately. I do use my judgement if I anticipate it’s going to be someone who doesn’t respect boundaries - I wouldn’t give it out.
Usually when we are done whatever we are working on, I never hear from them again. If I got annoying calls like this I would tell the patron I don’t like using the phone and then block them. Or simply block them with no preamble and they can come see me if they have a problem.
I’m grateful for you sharing your experience giving out your number to patrons. In my other library job (FT), I’ve helped 3 different older board members to use their phone, to understand technology and email/text, and it involved me using my cell phone to call or text them so they ended up having my personal cell but never used it. It doesn’t always end disastrously. but I can see why someone would suggest avoiding doing it when possible.
I would not answer and to be honest, I wouldn't even listen to the voicemail. I would talk to her on the clock at the 'berry and I would use your judgement on how direct to be but as someone who has worked in public spaces for decades, sometimes you can be soft about your boundary and sometimes you have to use your words, be direct or you are leaving room for this person to think you're interested in this boundary crossing.
Block her!
My boss helped an older lady with her vhs player and got not only himself, but us involved in her story. She has raised her mentally disabled son for over 40 years and has him entertain himself with an old vhs tv. After the initial help her sad story about being late 80 year old sole parent has put a lot of pressure on us to help in the case of her son in the event of them passing. So its pretty crazy and while we’re not cruel, we wanna help, but when does helping people make you responsible for them?
I would block at the least and potentially change my number. In the future, getting a Google number might also be a good option when giving out numbers to people until you know them well and can trust them.
My gf has the same problem with one of her patrons at her library, but on the library phones, not her own. She calls the library to find out if she's working and then (if she is) will spend hours talking to her on the phone about anything and everything ... some old people are just lonely and enjoy someone friendly to talk to. Unfortunately they don't realize that others have things to do.
Maybe spend a little time talking to her, and if it persists, block her number. If this causes a problem with her coming into the library to ask about it, just tell her your phone broke or died or something.
You’re right. Some empathy is in order. It’s not the end of the world. I’m sorry for your gf dealing with that.
Why don't you want to block her? Why have you not already said in absolutely no uncertain terms, "Stop calling me. I do not like you. I do not want to talk to you. We are not friends."?
Block her number. Period. If she complains, blame it on a new policy.