First time posting, please be gentle. I am not sure if I am being too sensitive or if this is a real boundary problem.
My MIL is the kind of person who calls herself “just excited” as an excuse for everything. The issue is she shares things about me before I am ready, then acts hurt when I ask her not to.
Examples. I told her privately that I was interviewing for a new job and asked her to keep it quiet. Two days later my husband gets a group text from his aunt saying “congrats on the promotion.” I had not even gotten the offer yet. Another time I mentioned I was dealing with a health thing and she immediately told my husband’s sister, who then texted me sympathy messages. It was well meaning but I felt exposed.
When I confronted MIL she said she thought “family does not keep secrets” and that she was only trying to get people to “pray and support us.” Then she cried and said I do not trust her.
My husband agrees it is a problem, but he keeps framing it as she is “from a different generation” and “does not understand privacy.” I am tired of feeling like the bad guy for wanting basic control over my own information.
How do we handle this going forward. Do we stop telling her anything until it is public. Do we give one last clear warning. If you have scripts that worked, I would appreciate it.
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Stop sharing information with her unless you specifically want her to broadcast it. You need to learn the lesson that nothing you tell her remains confidential EVER!
I’m a huge fan of making scenes, so my petty ass would let the family know first that you no longer trust MIL with sensitive information and let her find out that way.
But I did tell her to ask my mom for tips on house cleaning once after she said she needed to have a talk with her about the way I do laundry. She hasn’t tried crossing me again, though, so…
My MIL did this too. She announced my pregnancy even though we told her not to tell anyone and we’d tell them when we were ready. She also announced to the entire family when our baby was born and shared a photo of him with a relative who then posted it into a large family groupchat. Now we just don’t tell her stuff until we are ready for the entire family to know.
This is the way! I think talking to her about it won’t have any impact. Best to just not tell her anything important until you are ready to tell the world!
I stopped telling my MIL things about me a long time ago. I get so mad when my husband does. He really doesn’t mean to, he just tries to fill silence. She gets 0 knowledge of my life and health until well after it happens.
She most certainly does understand privacy. She just wants to be the one to tell everyone everybody else’s business. Your solution is the correct one. Just stop telling her things you don’t want everyone to know yet. If she ever complains, you say, “You spread things you are told to keep quiet so you no longer get the privilege of knowing sooner.”
yeah, no last warning - there’s no reason to believe she won’t go around to the whole family to let them know you don’t trust her and are shutting her out for “no reason”
There are no scripts here. You just don’t tell her anything. She is not trustworthy. Unless you want it on a billboard or posted on Facebook don’t tell her anything.
Do not share anything with her. Period.
This. Whether she shares everything you tell her out of maliciousness or if she's just that kind of person who truly cannot keep a secret, it's much easier to change your behavior than hers.
Your husband would rather admit that his mother is too old and stupid to understand the basic concept of privacy than admit that she’s just doesn’t want to respect anyone’s privacy. Even if you don’t hit him with that, which I would, it’s a delicious little petty thought to keep you from going insane while keeping her on an info diet.
Yes, and until she can respect your boundaries, I would consider lowering contact with her, and husband should back you up not her.
Info diet solves the problem. Don’t tell her things until you’ve told other people already.
Information diet. MIL is getting her piece of the cake the same day the larger family or public does. Pregnant? She'll know when you're at twelve weeks. About to buy a house? She'll know about the thought after you closed on it. She proved you a lot of proof she can't keep her piehole shut. Start believing her actions.
Why are you sharing things with her before you are ready?
You don’t have basic control over your own information, because you aren’t controlling your own information.
You already know that MIL will rebroadcast anything you share with her.
So knowing this, you need to grayrock MIL and any other overzealous individuals who won’t stay quiet. This means that MIL must always be the last to know your news.
Yes. Think of it this way.
If you want to quickly share news with the whole family, then tell MIL. She’ll let everyone know, and you don’t need to worry about keeping people in the loop. If you want to keep it secret, share the news as a group text, or keep it to yourself entirely.
No. There’s no gray area here. Either you share with everyone or nobody. Continuing to share things with MIL expecting for her to do things any different, is the definition of insanity.
She doesn’t seem to recognize that her actions are truly unwelcome. So reinforce your message with consequences. In this case, you don’t need to tell MIL that she’s being punished for sharing. Just quietly stop giving her things that you don’t want shared.
Great answer. 👍🏼
Its not because she is "from another generation", she had gossip and wanted to share it. She has revealed her true colors believe that. Time to limit sharing news with her.
They thrive on drama.
Don’t tell her anything you wouldn’t want her to tell anyone else. She’s not trustworthy.
"Family doesn't keep secrets? With all due respect MIL what TF is wrong with you?"
Wait till you rat out her secrets then tell her "Oops, family doesn't keep secrets".
Trust me that women probably has alot of dirty secrets that she doesn't want anyone to know.
Get on that group chat and tell her 'Hey MIL I hope your yeast infection has cleared up'
Seriously though, no more info for her, shes like a leaky tire.
Firstly, only tell her things that you’re happy for her to share. She clearly can’t be trusted to be discreet.
Secondly, you have to enforce “no sharing” with your husband. He has to learn to grey rock his mum even if it feels uncomfortable. Decide between yourselves what is OK to share (trying a new recipe, painting the bathroom a different colour, planning a trip) with his mum, and what is definitely off the table (your health and career).
I specifically tell my husband whether things I tell him can be shared.
My Awful Ex told his mum what I earned. At the time it wasn’t a particularly good salary because I had just changed careers. His mum constantly implied that I was a gold digger. (Sucks to be him; I changed careers again and am doing quite well; his company folded during lockdown. Oh well.)
Stop telling her shit you don’t want broadcast. She’s made it clear she won’t respect your requests not to.
Stop telling her things!!!!
I used to share with my MIL for the sake of relationship, but I realized I didn’t want to be the topic of conversation anymore. She gets noooooothing from me anymore. It’s all strictly a need to know basis.
I come from s gossipy family. You absolutely can't trust your MIL and she is right to think you don't trust her. Her accusing you of not trusting her after blatantly sharing your personal information is her telling on herself.
Your husband is willing to sacrifice your comfort and security for his mom's by saying "this is how she is, she means well" and that forces you to change how you are and makes you seem cold and disconnected. That's BS and subtle gaslighting. He should be saying, "that must feel very violating, what can we do to prevent this?"
You can't control your MIL. You can accept her for who and what she is and stop sharing any information with her. She can learn news at the same time as the rest of extended family.
My sister pries into my personal life. She asked me several times what gender I thought my second would be and wanted to be the first to know. We are NOT close and she spreads twisted versions of everything about me to our extended family for no reason. I asked her to stop and she played victim, so now I just grey rock and tell her things with the whole family. She is not going to be notified when I visit our home state, either, so she doesn't throw a fit that its not centered around her.
Yeh I stopped telling my MIL anything when she told her neighbor about my mother's cancer and MIL invited me over so neighbor could take (at length) about her own cancer. I stood stunned that any of them thought that was helpful or necessary.
Best to keep things to yourself. You're not keeping secrets from the family, you're keeping your information private until you're ready to share it. Honestly don't see why MIL would think that was unfair. Not her info, not hers to talk about.
You knew after the first time this happened that it was a problem so you asked her to stop. It happened again so then you knew she wasn't going to comply with your request. So why have you shared anything personal with her since? You know what she'll do, just stop feeding her with information.
Agree! Stop telling her anything. She cannot be trusted, so simply stop including her.
The MIL is like this and I don't tell her anything I don't want to be public. There's a select few I share anything with because a listening ear can sometimes be attached to flapping jabbers.
Some people just cant be trusted with your confidence and that's just how it is.
same here, had to learn the hard way. some folks just can't help themselves and spill everything smh
Most important part of this is making sure that your husband is on board when you ask him not to share things without your permission. I recently my child had started their first relationship, they weren't ready to tell everybody, so I told my husband not to share until my kid decided to tell them. I'm glad. I waited and I didn't discourage my kid from telling people, but I did say they had a choice to share their news when and how they wanted. Just because they tell me something, doesn't make it public knowledge unless they say it's ok. My husband understood and didn't tell anyone anything.
My MIL is exactly like this. Every time you call her on it, it’s the same excuse. “It’s not gossip if you’re concerned about someone. My therapist told me that!”
So, I have stopped telling her anything - small stuff, big stuff, nothing. Even things she should probably know, like a medical diagnosis. She gets nothing. She made a comment recently about it. But, I didn’t respond, because I felt like she was trying to bait me into an argument.
Silence is golden!!!
Who doesn’t understand privacy? Does she poop with the door open? No? Then she understands privacy.
It’s sooo frustrating when people use the “we are asking for prayer” bs as an excuse for being a leaky faucet. I had an ectopic pregnancy and my MIL posted on her Facebook about it before I was even awake from surgery. My MIL and her mother both say we should be thankful because it is high praise to ask for prayer 🙄
Im with you, OP. It’s hard to reason with that, but you’ll have to keep info from them moving forward. You can’t change people, you can only change how you navigate your relationship with them. Sorry this happened 🫶🏻
You absolutely stop telling her. And when she asks why you tell her exactly why.
NOR. Spouse saying “she doesn’t understand privacy” is a really bad excuse for MIL putting your business out there when you are confiding in her.
Protect your peace, if you’ve addressed with MIL that you don’t appreciate that she is a blabber mouth, then the next step is to stop giving her so much of your energy.
If her cognitive ability aren’t compromised, than she can either respect your privacy or get used to hearing less details.
Don't tell her anything that you don't want the entire family to know. If she asks why she's the last to know, tell her the truth.
Info diet. This one is easy. She gets no info, she can't be trusted
I am sorry she's a blabbermouth and cannot regulate her excitement. From now on, confide nothing in her OR SIL. keep your news until you are ready for everyone to know, because this family does not see blabbing as an issue. They have no privacy/boundaries because momma doesn't allow them - note the manipulative tears.
And if you confide in your husband, tell him to zip it, too. This is what you are willing to do to "keep the peace" yet preserve your peace of mind.
Good luck!
Husbaaaaaaaaaand problem!
She’s indiscreet and obviously stop telling her anything, but your husband has GOT to be kidding with the “different generation” nonsense. Nosy gossips are just nosy gossips and they won’t stop until they’re choked off from information and forced to experience consequences. Your husband needs to get a grip.
I wouldn’t suggest a clear warning, I’d institute an information diet now. She isn’t going to stop gossiping.
And that’s exactly what it is: gossiping.
How very frustrating and heartbreaking this must be for you. Congratulations on staying married and staying out of jail!
You can’t change anyone but yourself. Your husband won’t confront his mother. Your MIL won’t stop using everything you tell her as “breaking news.”
I think you have two choices. You can stop telling your MIL anything that you don’t want the world to know. Ever. With zero exceptions. That’s what we had to do. My JNMIL not only told our business to complete strangers as they checked out at our local store, but she also added lies and exaggerations to the facts. We put her on an immediate information lockdown. It worked perfectly.
Your other choice is a disinformation campaign. You can tell her (no text messages!) ridiculous lies and when they come back to you, act completely bewildered and ask where in the world they got their info. She will be completely discredited and no one will ever believe a word she says.
Here’s some crazy secrets you can share:
You are moving to Morocco
You are considering a gender reassignment
You are starting an amateur bodybuilding career
You are starting to collect stamps
I would keep the disinformation strictly about you. Make sure your boss knows in case he/she hears about you leaving the country. Enjoy your FAFO game of telephone ☎️
I'm 57, so I guess I might be a similar age to MIL.
No, it's nothing to do with 'her generation'. She's just a blabbermouth who loves getting attention by being the one to pass on 'news'.
Guess she's now going to be the last one to know anything....
But husband needs to understand this, too.
Right? I'm in my 60's and have never felt the need to share anyone's private information. It's definitely not "her generation".
The easiest solution would be to not tell her things. She’s proven she can’t/won’t abide.
I would wait to discuss things with her until you are ready to share with everyone. My MIL is a gossip too, and my SO knows this, so we agree that she doesn’t get informed unless we are okay with it on a billboard-because that’s essentially what telling her is. Everyone will by the end of the week.
You need to look at it is. She has proven she’s not worthy of your confidence-so do not treat her as if she is.
You do have basic control over your own information. You have the ability not to share anything with her until everyone is aware.
Two words: Information Diet, don’t share anything with her anymore. And if she asks why you’ve withdrawn, tell her! “I’ve repeatedly told you things in confidence, reminding you to keep it to yourself and you refuse. I don’t accept “you’re just excited” as an excuse anymore. I just won’t tell you. If you’re upset by my decision, take a long hard look in the mirror.”
Totally agree she needs an information diet.
But it also sounds like you have a husband problem. Being from a “different generation” doesn’t mean one “doesn’t understand privacy.” That’s one of the least imaginative excuses I’ve ever heard.
Stop telling her anything. Easy.
…stop telling her anything. I don’t know why this is even a question posed on the internet. You know exactly what to do, this isn’t rocket science. If she can’t keep her mouth shut, she doesn’t get info, problem solved.
INFO-DIET!!!
If "family doesn't keep secrets" you can tackle this two ways.
Start asking her about her upcoming medical appointments and circulate that information as it isn't a secret, or you could just put her on an information diet. It's not keeping secrets, it is restricting who and when you tell people things.
Unless she grew up under a rock, her generation most definitely DOES get privacy. Her generation would be the generation of Watergate, the Profumo Affair, and a lot of other very high profile privacy issues hitting the headlines. She just doesn't give a shit about YOUR privacy, and by the sounds of things, because he hasn't shut her down up to now, neither does your husband.
Stop telling her stuff. Simple. She can be the LAST to find out instead of the First.
Good luck with this. I think you'll need it!
Stop telling her things & expecting her not to share. She’s already telling you that she’s going to do it & your husband wants to just excuse it all.
Info diet (see outofthefog website)
Info diet and hubs needs a grow-a-spine starter's kit.
On behalf of many many people out there, are these starter kits available on Amazon or where do you get them? I'm guessing that it's a parting gift when you complete therapy but I could be wrong there.
She’s using your personal info for gossip. The only way she’ll stop is if you tell her nothing. Don’t even tell her that you got the promotion until after you’ve told everyone else first.
My mom is a gossiper. She’ll swear she won’t tell and then her mom, sisters, best friend and pastors wife all know because “she’s excited” or “just seeking prayers for you”, etc. The last time I made the mistake of telling her something was when I was pregnant. I was struggling with a lot of symptoms and wasn’t sure the baby was viable. I was very sick. I wanted my mom for support and since it was so early in the pregnancy I told her to not tell anyone, especially her best friend, because her friend is the mom of my friend and I wasn’t ready to share the news yet. She told her, and shared my medical issues too. There’s no such thing as privacy with people like my mom. I will never forgive her for doing that during my most vulnerable and sensitive time. She never got another pregnancy update or medical info about me. She got a texted picture of the baby hours after I delivered and same time as social media post so she couldn’t announce it to anyone before me. She was hurt she didn’t even know I was in labor. But that’s the consequence of not keeping her mouth shut.
Please learn from me and know your MIL is not a person you can trust with any information. No matter how much she promises, she can’t help herself but to gossip. And make sure your husband is on the same page and not feeding her information either.
My FIL and MIL are exactly the same. Both with me and with my partner. Everything we ever mention to them gets repeated to the whole family, including people who are far away, and likely distorted too because I have been having a coffee with my MIL for example and she'll tell me something which I know is largely exagerated...
Our only solution, after saying a few times that something was confidential and seeing it repeated (like you: congratulations text, etc), we just say nothing. Even if we just book a holiday, if we tell them we get a barrage of questions, they seem anxious about it (they'll be reminding us to bring our passports, our chargers, etc... treating us like kids even though we are both nearly 40 and have lived abroad in 3 different countries far away from them). I say nada and then mention it when the news is no longer news: yes I have a new job but it's not new, it's been 6 months, etc.
They are never going to change because they don't think it's wrong, and at best they'll still share all your news but tell their friends and all to not mention it and pretend like they don't know. You're going to lose so much energy and time trying to change them.
My mom does this too. So I don’t tell her important information until I can stomach a leak.
Google the terms “information diet” and “grey rock”.
Stop having personal conversations with her!
At this point you KNOW she’s not trustworthy!
Talk about the weather, beef prices or send her cat videos…
Stop feeding her information!
If you don’t tell it …. She can’t repeat it!
My own mother is like this. I've spoken to her many many times about it and when I had some scary health issues last year (that turned out fine in the end), I asked her not to tell anyone in case it was nothing because I didn't want to alarm my family. Some time passes and I hear from my father who is concerned because he heard from his wife (my parents have been divorced for decades) who heard at work that I was having health issues. So my mum - despite me telling her specifically to not tell ANYONE - had gone and told half the town what was going on and my family had to hear it as gossip. It's my own bloody fault though. I know she's not trustworthy so now I only tell her things I would post on FB... which is practically nothing. I would take the same approach with your MIL, OP. Tell her nothing you wouldn't post on social media.
The problem isn’t your MIL. The problem is it’s your husband.
Is he normally quite spineless? I’m not saying that to be unkind, but frankly that’s how he comes across. He makes excuses for his mother rather than sit down and have a very direct and blunt conversation.
That generational thing is crap by the way. My wife’s parents are in there 80s and 90s and my parents were in their 70s and 80s and they all keep our confidence all the time. I can’t think of a single instance where they haven’t. So trying to wave away her bad behavior as her being old and from a different generation is absolute crap. What’s more? I suspect your husband knows that, but he’d rather find an excuse for her behavior than actually sit her down and confront her about it. Probably because she’ll pull the whole “hurt” routine and for some reason, he just doesn’t have the courage to stand up to her.
So you don’t have a problem with her. Do you have a problem with him refusing to acknowledge how hurtful her behavior is and then making excuses for why she does it instead of demanding better behavior.
As for yourself, I would tell your husband all of what I said about and then I would tell him it going forward he’ll put him and his mother on an information diet. Because until you can trust him to actually have your back, and a little bit of personal courage, you can’t trust him with your information.
“Family doesn’t keep secrets” = “I’m gonna do what I want.”
Info diet. She can’t spread your life if she doesn’t know it.
Stop telling her stuff, she’s proven she cannot be trusted not to flap her lips.
Husband needs to agree not to tell her your business either.
Info diet for the blabbermouth. Being a blabbermouth is NOT generational - that’s some BS right there.
Tell me your husband doesn’t want to hold his mommy accountable without telling me directly. 🙄
100% agree. But also blabbermouth is such a great name for this crappy behavior by OPs MIL. I don't know why I haven't been using this word all along, thanks for the fun vocab reminder.
Stop telling her anything!!
Stop telling her anything you don't want others to know, its really that simple. She's not going to all of a sudden agree with you and apologize for being "just excited", she'll continue to do exactly what she's been doing because she knows she can get away with it.
Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy but he really needs to stop making excuses for his boundary stomping mother. I get it, it's easier not to rock the boat so you don't have to deal with the drama but in this case complacency is consent.
Stop giving her information and make this about the bigger issue of her not respecting you as a responsible adult that trusted her with private information. Food for thought: Would you tolerate this behavior from a friend or someone you choose to have a relationship with? If no, then why are you tolerating this from someone just because you're in a relationship with their son. Good luck OP.
Edit for spacing and grammar.
Stop telling her! It’s that simple.
STOP telling her everything
She doesn’t understand privacy? Tell me, does she trumpet her own private and sensitive information far and wide? Would she like your friends and family to know her intimate details? She knows.
I read a quote that says; why do some people talk about others? Because no one listens when they talk about themselves. It’s pretty accurate for gossips tbh. They’re normally sad people who don’t feel interesting.
I don’t think she necessarily means harm, but it’s not okay to share someone else’s personal news without permission even if the intention is to seek prayer or support. That choice should always belong to you. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s just a gossip. Some people also need to feel like they know everything before everyone else.
It’s reasonable to expect discretion, especially with news about work or health. Going forward, it may help to be very clear about boundaries - for example, letting her know explicitly that you’re sharing something in confidence and that it’s not to be passed on unless you say so. But test it first with non-sensitive information.
I understand how upsetting this can feel though. I had a similar experience when my mum and mil shared my pregnancy news before I was ready, and it left me feeling really angry. I didn’t speak up at the time, but after that, I chose to be more selective about what I shared and when. I didn’t share my subsequent pregnancy news with them, and they found out when everyone else did.
You’re not wrong and your husband is obviously trying to keep the peace. Who cares if she cries - she’s in the wrong. You trusted her but she broke that trust repeatedly. If you keep telling her stuff and she spreads it to others, well that’s just on you then. You can’t put a bowl of food down in front of a puppy and then get mad when he eats it.
You stop telling her things until you are ready for EVERYONE else to know too.
Consider your MIL less of a confident and more like she is social media. Let’s just call her Facebook.
You know now how she is. She is not going to change. No matter how much you ask her to keep a secret, she will not be able too.
Keep your secrets to yourself and share them with her when they are no longer secrets. Some people just need to tell others what they know. Not to be malicious, they just need to talk about what worries or excites them. I have an Aunt just like this.
Info diet and grey rocking. Also are you telling her this over the phone? Maybe limit that to texts or calls can come from hubs.
MIL needs to be on an information diet. If she doesn't know about it, she can't spill the tea.
Really?
You handle it by not telling her stuff.
... Come on.
Don’t tell her. Unfortunately some people just cannot keep their mouths shut. I used to tell my children that once you tell someone then it’s no longer private. I have a friend, really nice person but just cannot keep anything to himself!
Dont tell her anything. She keeps doing it.
You can control her you can only control your own decisions
If you don’t want her telling people your info then stop telling her things
You don’t need to announce it or acknowledge you’re not sharing info with her anymore just full stop
Don't share anything with her if you want to keep it private. Also your husband is a problem, him excusing this behaviour is a big problem. Have a talk with him first, you both need to be on the same page, no excuses. Otherwise this will not change