i don’t know if this is the correct sub to rant about this on as my MIL is not the absolute worst, she just cannot respect me or my boundaries for the life of her! i think im just sick of it and i have no one to talk to about it without it seeming like im overreacting. i just need to vent! i will say just so it’s not confusing, me and my boyfriend are still dating, we’ve been together for a while and now with a baby, i consider his parents my in-laws.
we recently had a baby in december, she is now one month old. my MIL could never stand me. ever since we met 5 years ago, she was always very dependent on my boyfriend, needed him for everything, never liked when he was at my house, never liked when i was at their house. honestly just seemed very jealous of the fact that she wasn’t his number one anymore.
i had to deal with her snarky remarks and her absolute lack of respect for me up until i found out i was pregnant. it was like a switch flipped. she adored me! wanted everything to do with me. invited me over constantly, wanted to hang out, wanted to talk all the time. wanted to be involved in EVERYTHING about my pregnancy. she would always say some weird stuff about my unborn baby. let me tell you guys some that just stuck out to me.
she bought my unborn babies birthstone for her nose piercing, not too bad but really icked me as my baby wasn’t even born yet! claimed MULTIPLE times that my baby will be staying at her house overnight, she had clothes and diapers over there since about month 7, she was fully planning on buying a stroller and car seat, she was so insistent on my unborn baby staying at her house with her. she told me that my baby will be sooooo attached to her and my will cry when she has to come back to her mom (aka me). my baby has looked like her since she was in the womb. she sat like her and had her eyes in the womb? we told her not to post my baby and she said she’s “really good at emojis”. she was insistent on being at the hospital when i gave birth and was lowkey offended when we called and told her my baby was born and she wasn’t there.
my whole pregnancy, she would just say icky things, either to me or my boyfriend. she would never check up on me, only on how the baby was doing, mind you my baby is in my womb i have no idea how she’s doing! good i hope! i kept telling my family that it’ll be worse once my baby was born and boy was i right.
starting THE DAY after she was born, she called every single day multiple times a day just to see my boyfriend and my baby. i was and still am freshly postpartum the LAST thing i needed was to hear her on the phone for hours at a time multiple times a day only asking about my baby and my boyfriend. hello?? i just pushed this child out of me why am i not getting any love?
they finally came over to meet her. i said one hour, that request was completely ignored. 2 weeks postpartum, they were here for 2 hours, i had some early PPA and all i wanted to do was hold my baby but instead, i saw my 2 week old be passed around like a basketball. the whole time “oh she looks just like me. has my nose, my eyes, my chin, my ears”. i know babies are bound to look like family members but this child looks JUST like FIL and nothing like MIL. and it was honestly hurtful to me to hear how much my baby looked nothing like me. the one picture where my baby looks just like me, she said she looked like an old lady! what does that say about how i look? my baby started crying when she was holding her, not once, not twice, but three times, and every time we asked for her back, she said “no i got this i’m a mom too”. finally at the end of the visit, the ONE BOUNDARY i didn’t want crossed was kidding my baby in the middle of flu season. she kissed my baby multiple times. i handled it the best way i could without being mean, i grabbed my baby from her and guided her out of the room, if i didn’t do it that way i would’ve been so awful and i am not like that.
they haven’t been over since. they’ve been calling every single day. she had my FIL text my boyfriend saying that “MIL is having a bad day please facetime her”. this woman wanted to use my baby as a way to make her feel better. nuh uh!
every time my MIL calls or texts, it’s never me. she texts my boyfriend saying how much she misses him and my baby. how much she wants to see him and my baby. how much she loves him and my baby. nothing about me. nothing about how i’m feeling. nothing about how she wants to see me, the mother of her grandchild. i don’t want someone around my baby if they cannot respect her mother. can’t even have the decency to PRETEND to care about me. she wants to come over and see my baby but she can’t even text me, call me, ask how im doing. she cried real tears on the phone the other day because she missed my baby that she has met once. i have talked to my boyfriend about all of this and he always says “what do you want me to do?”. idk talk to her? let her know how she’s making me feel? let her know that if she can’t care about me, she can’t see the baby? what does that show my baby, especially if it continues? if my mother were to disrespect him and he told me he didn’t like it, i would immediately have a talk with her. it genuinely makes me feel horrible hearing her not care about or respect me, especially being one month postpartum, that’s the last thing i need to be hearing. it doesn’t feel like my boyfriend is sticking up for my boundaries or my feelings either, which makes everything even worse.
im probably just postpartum and emotional but if you have read this far, thanks so much! there’s so much more that i’ve left out, especially prior to me being pregnant and during my pregnancy, but then this would be a whole novel.
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You need to have a frank discussion with your boyfriend that your baby is not MIL’s plaything or emotional support child.
You’re mom, you you’re well within your right to tell this woman to get bent. If she does something that you’ve created a boundary for, make sure you call her out on what she’s doing and enforce consequences. Anything less will allow continuation of the status quo.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better support especially from your bf being postpartum. You’re not alone my mil is an absolute freaking narcissist and tried to manipulate my husband and still does with my first born. My advice let that mama bear out. If it causes fights with your s/o - good. This isn’t a mil problem it’s a bf problem. That woman needs “if I don’t respect the mother of this child I lose access” drilled into her brain. If your bf won’t set boundaries, no visits. Push back and manipulating bf with tears? Less info and a time out from this woman. Whenever there are visits the baby is with you or no visits at all. You don’t owe this woman a relationship at all.
Ergh I read this and it reminded me of when I had my child. Whilst it's lovely she is getting stuff for her house (the only positive I take from this) she needs to sit her creepy arse down and mind her business. Sending you big hugs because it's a lot post baby with all the new routines, hormones adjusting etc. but agree with a lot of other comments your boyfriend needs to grow up and lay down some boundaries.
Sorry, yes she is a justno and you're in the right place. Welcome ;/ get used to her hating you. You have to handle it because he won't. Just say you're not up for a visit, demand your baby back etc. be the biggest bitch to her until she leaves you alone. It's the only way
What do you want him to do? Is he for reals? Be a fucking man and tell his mom knock it off? Your problem isn’t her it’s him. He’s letting her stomp all over your boundaries and feelings and not doing a thing because it’s not affecting him. I would flat out tell him and her that your child is not going to be spending the night at her house. She is a baby and needs her mother. Also, I would tell him to tell his mother that your baby is not Prozac and that if she’s sad, go get some therapy and meds. And also stop acting like you are an incubator, you are not, you are a person and the mother of your child and if she wants access to the baby, then she needs to start treating you like a human being and respecting your parenting. I would not let her come over for at least another few months Because she’s part of the reason why you’re having anxiety. If he wants you and her to have a good relationship then he will tell his mother that she’s being extremely inappropriate by not asking about you and being extremely rude by not respecting your parenting. When a mother asks for her baby back, you give the baby back.
She’s treating you like an incubator and like SHE can jump into mom role since you’ve had your baby. She wants all of your bf’s attention and the baby gets her that.
Yes your bf does not know how to deal with that because his mom has treated him (emotionally) like her bf for a long time.
You can ask your bf to make sure you’re INCLUDED. Because she wants you EXCLUDED. So when he’s talking to her and she just mentions him and the baby ask him to say AND OP every single time. Do that when you’re not there, and in person. He needs to make sure you are ALWAYS INCLUDED and you all are a FAMILY UNIT.
And maybe just tell him she excludes you because she wants to be his gf and the mother of his child and that’s gross. Because that’s how she’s acting. That’s not how mothers act but that’s his normal.
sounds like she's tryna play mommy with your kid. bf def needs to step up and set some serious boundaries fr
yeah seriously, he needs to see how overboard she's going. it's like she thinks you're just a side character or something
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! There is something so degrading about literally being treated like a human incubator with your very new baby, and that's exactly how she's treating you. Your BF is not helping you. He needs to shine up his spine and put a stop to his mother's bullshit immediately. Do not allow mil to visit so much or for too long. Get a wrap to wear your baby when mil is around. And you and BF should make the following rules (yes, i said rules not boundaries! Lol) and let everyone know what they are:
If you don't respect the mama, you will have zero access to the baby. When parent asks for baby back, baby is to be immediately given back. Baby will not be going anywhere without mama, and if mama doesn't feel welcome or respected she will not be visiting in their home. Baby is not to be treated like an emotional support animal. No uninvited or unannounced visits to your home, ever. No visits to your home if BF isn't there, ever. Of course this list should be adjusted/added to to fit your particular needs, and if your rules are disregarded and ignored there will be no contact.
Lastly, let your BF know if he doesn't "handle" his mother - you will. You are only a few weeks postpartum and all those raging hormones can be the catalyst you need to find your inner bitch. You need to be a mama bear now to protect your child and yourself. Let his mother/family cry, whine, throw a tantrum, whatever. Their reaction isn't on you and not for you to fret about - it's on her/them. They can change their behavior or not be part of YOUR child's life. Period.
Agree. If BF won't do it come down hard on her and let her know exactly where she stands. She is not welcome in your house unless BF is there to wrangle her. You can tell her that's because you don't have that kind of relationship with her due to how she has conducted herself and you've no interest at all in building one.
You are not crazy this is classic baby rabies plus emotional enmeshment. She sees you as an incubator not a person. Your bigger issue is your boyfriend refusing to manage his mother. That needs fixing fast.
I get that he feels there's not much he can do, but at a minimum, he needs to stop allowing these things to be your problem, and he needs to talk about you even if she doesn't care, because it signals to her that you're important.
So for example, if she asks how baby is, he could say "baby and OP are both doing well, baby looks a lot like OP!" And he can refuse to facetime her while in the house, because you don't need to know what ahe is and isn't saying.
It's hard to make these changes in the new months of baby being here, but he can make small changes. Other changes include insisting she acknowledge that she's not kissing baby before handing baby over, and insisting she give baby back when crying happens, and even telling her it's time to go when time is up. These are really small things that aren't subjective. I'm sure conversations about respect would have her running in circles around him, but he can at least demonstrate really concrete notions like "the clock shows time" and "if I'm giving updates about baby, I'm updating about baby's mom too."
"What do you want me to do?"
Handle.Your.Mother.
As you've realised, your almost MIL sees you as an incubator and now basically the nanny.
Tell your boyfriend that it's his job to handle his mother - all communication to her us delivered by him.
And on your part - don't say maybe when you mean no. Allowing that 1 hour visit to go overtime showed you that anything less than an outright no gives her wiggle room.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are NOT being overly emotional, this is fucking awful and your MIL knows it. The biggest piece of advice I’d give you is to stand up for yourself, as it appears your boyfriend is not doing that. It’s really hard to find your footing as a new mom, I just went through this and my MIL will absolutely trample me if I don’t lay down my boundaries and enforce them wholeheartedly.
Agreed that husband should be protecting you and baby from the insanity. A lot of mothers ‘wear’ their babes so no one can grab the little ones. Congratulations on a healthy baby and wishing you the best of luck
Just boyfriend. Why do women do this to themselves?
When he’s being a super mamas boy, tell him he’s NEVER been more unattractive. Then remind him that he needs to be a FATHER and partner BEFORE being a son, and your baby’s safety and your mental well-being is more important than his mommy’s feelings.
Your baby is a human being and NOT MIL’s emotional support animal.
You need to start setting HARD boundaries NOW because this woman is going to make your life a living hell if you don’t.
Dude I used that line verbatim on my MIL (“my baby is not your emotional support animal”) and it sparked SO MUCH CHAOS. Lol. Almost like I was spot on or something… these b*tches need therapy.
Yeah, something about the truth being said out loud hits them like a ton of bricks 🧱.
I have a step-sister-in-law who used to make all of these passive-aggressive comments about our parenting differences. “Well, i wouldn’t do that” type of shit, but more detailed. It got worse & worse until I finally snapped & said “Welp, I guess you’re just better than me!”
She lost her mind, backtracked IMMEDIATELY & tried to look like the victim to my mean, mean comment. When we all knew I just said what she had been NOT SAYING, but clearly meaning FOR YEARS.
I’ve found it works really well for unsolicited advice from hypercritical MILs.
This seems pretty common to be honest and she sounds awful. Next time she says baby looks like FIL, her or the neighbour, maybe do a "don't you look just like your mummy and daddy because you're ours" with your baby.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your partner should be running interference. You have a newborn and need to rest and bond. Baby stays with you at all times. The baby is too young and vulnerable to viruses to be passed around like a ball.
Try to get the courage to block her number until she can calm down (and make sure anyone around your baby gets an updated whooping cough vaccine).