I’m really struggling and need to vent and get some outside perspective, because this situation is starting to really hurt.
I have a long and complicated history with my MIL (see previous posts for context), but the short version is that she is extremely intrusive, entitled, and has no respect for boundaries. She frames control as love, guilt-trips my husband, and makes herself the victim whenever she doesn’t get her way. Living with her during pregnancy completely destroyed my mental health and led to a serious breakdown. I no longer live with her and I do not engage with her directly anymore.
Since my baby was born (I’m almost 4 weeks pp), I’ve stepped back completely. I don’t talk to my MIL, don’t ask about her, don’t badmouth her, and I don’t stop my husband from having contact with her. I’ve simply removed myself. Any access she has to photos of my child is through my husband, and even then it’s via one-time-viewing only. This arrangement has brought me peace and stability and has allowed me to actually function and enjoy my baby.
Despite everything, I still sent my MIL a polite “Happy New Year” message recently. She read it, posted on her story multiple times throughout the day, and ignored me completely. No reply. Even almost 2 weeks later she still hasn’t said anything. That just reinforced to me that disengaging is the right decision.
My mum had truly horrific in-laws. Just some of the things that her in-laws did: MIL lied about her having an indecent relationship with her own uncle to destroy that relationship, stood by while my dad beat her in front of her, and even threw her out of the house for wanting to visit her grandfather. Because of this, my mum looks at my in-laws and says she “wishes she had them instead,” because they did show surface-level kindness like cooking specific postpartum food, praying over my baby, cultural care, etc.
I don’t deny that they’ve done kind things. I’m not trying to be ungrateful or unreasonable. But this is a different type of bad. It’s not overt cruelty like my mum’s in-laws, it’s psychological intrusion, entitlement, control disguised as love, and constant erosion of boundaries. And for me, that kind of harm has been debilitating.
Despite knowing all of this, my mum keeps telling me I should message my MIL and send her photos of my baby “on principle.” Yesterday she pushed again, and I told her that my child’s dad can send photos to his own mum, why does it have to be me? I’m not stopping a relationship, I’m just not managing it.
This turned into another argument about how I’m not trying to understand, I’m being difficult and that I’m being OTT. My mum then said something that really shook me, she told me that because my husband is my carer (I have disabilities), if I make it hard for him to have a relationship with his family, he will start to resent me, become fed up, and eventually leave me. Essentially, she was warning me that my boundaries will cost me my marriage.
That hurt a lot.
What makes this even more complicated is that I currently have no option but to live with my parents, and for the most part, living here is genuinely supportive and tolerable. My mum helps me immensely, she does my laundry, cooks, cleans, and makes sure I can rest and focus on caring for my child. My grandma and aunties live nearby and also help. I don’t have to do anything here except recover and be a mum. In practical terms, I am very lucky and very supported.
Which is why this hurts so much.
My mum is a huge help to me, but this recurring argument about my MIL makes me feel misunderstood, pressured, and alone. It feels like my emotional safety is always secondary to keeping the peace or preventing hypothetical future resentment from my husband, even though my husband himself supports my boundaries and has admitted when his mum has been manipulative. I’ve told my husband about the stuff my mum says and he assures me he loves taking care of me and sees it as his duty, but now what she’s said is just rattling around in my brain and I find myself reconsidering my decisions.
I’m not trying to punish anyone. I’m not asking my husband to cut off his family. I’m just refusing to chase, appease, or perform emotional labour for someone who ignores me and has harmed me.
I guess I’m looking to rant, but also for advice. How do I shut this conversation down without it blowing up every time? How do I stop internalising the fear that I’m “too much” or “ruining my marriage”? How do I cope with the grief of my mum not being able to understand me, even though she helps me so much?
I feel stuck between gratitude and hurt, and I don’t know how to reconcile the two.
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Other posts from /u/Prudent-Teaching2881:
I can’t win, 1 week ago
MIL said my husband shouldn’t have married me, 1 month ago
MIL has written in my notebooks, 1 month ago
I hate my MIL., 1 month ago
MIL thinks jiggling my stomach is “affectionate.” I’m DONE., 1 month ago
‘Grandparents love their grandkids more than their own children’, 1 month ago
Is it unfair of me to not want my MIL to see me in hospital?, 1 month ago
Anyone else MIL controlling like this?, 1 month ago
MIL says FIL isn’t allowed in her house after our baby is born, 2 months ago
Would you expect a separate invite?, 2 months ago
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Just treat mil and your mother as two peas from the same pod. Your mother is MIL flying monkey and not only is she falling for MIL manipulation and triangulation she’s making it about herself treating you like you’re shaming her, she is incapable of holding you like a daughter and being in your corner . Do what ever you can to avoid or shut down any conversation about MIL. Once you move out you can remind her why you’re LC/NC.
My mum and I actually ended up having an argument again today over my MIL. I tried grey rocking her and saying ok to whatever she said. I tried leaving the room, but she just followed me into the other room and continued what she was saying. I told her is wasn’t her business and she said it was her business because if something hurts me it hurts her too, but I just don’t get how she can’t see that my MIL is hurting me too. Forcing me to play happy families is hurting me too. My mum says that I made a mistake getting married young and having a baby young and she told me so. She said I owe it to my MIL and all the extended family of my husband because they made him who he is and that’s why I have the husband I have. She also said that my dad has had enough of me being here because people are starting to ask her and him why I am staying with them for so long and if my in-laws are not upset by it. She said she has been keeping my dad quiet all this time and that I’ll be taught a lesson when he says something and sends me back to live with my in-laws. I feel so depressed. My pregnancy and postpartum era has been completely ruined by my parents and my in laws. I hate them all. Everyone seems to think that because they help me do things physically that it doesn’t matter if they cause me emotional harm. Why don’t I just shut up and give up my child to my MIL like she so desperately wants and then everyone will be happy? I am just a human incubator and a human milking machine. I don’t matter as a person.
Your husband needs to get you and him a home of your own. Your mom is a piece of crap. I would move into a shelter and go no contact with both sets of narcissistic parents. Get out of their home and take care of yourself.
This OP. This is what you’re dealing with with. Your husband needs to man up and provide a safe and emotionally secure home for you all. You should never have to be tending to the grossly selfish needs of these toxic, manipulative females.
You need to take a step back and do what’s best for you and your child. You’re the mom, so you’re the boss. If you make decisions and boundaries that hurts her feelings, that’s not your problem, it’s hers.
You don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself. Saying you need to do things for the sake of others or the keep the peace are basically telling you it’s more important for you to be abused than for her to be uncomfortable. Fuck that. Protect your peace.
Im also in a similar situation, and it's so difficult because I love my mother and don't want her to see me as this terrible person but I also want to do the right thing for myself and my children.
My grandma on my mums side is not a nice person. Im pretty sure she's a textbook narcissist but my mum is the only one out of her siblings that will visit my grandma twice a week at the nursing home. Recently my mum was upset because grandma's behaviour is getting worse (shes beginning stages of dementia) and she actually hit my mum.
But my mum still believes that you just put up with family no matter how badly they treat you.
Everytime I see my mum, she asks if I've seen on spoken to Mil. She told me recently that it's my fault Mil is deceitful because mil is trying to get us to accept gifts from her by lying and saying they are from other family members. We are NC and I assume Mil knows I won't accept anything from her since she hasn't apologised & and won't sit down with us to discuss and resolve the conflict.
I am trying to set a boundary where I just don't discuss Mil with my mum because we will never see eye to eye but its hard because I'm very open with her and now I can't be if I dont want to get angry and frustrated or question my own beliefs and boundaries. It makes me sad but ultimately I start to question myself and feel bad about myself and wonder if I should just sweep it under the rug for everyones sake, but I don't want to continue the same toxic cycles.
Be honest with your mum and tell her you'd appreciate if you didn't discuss Mil and that you feel you are doing what's best and if you want her advice you'll ask. It's hard, I get it, I also need to have this discussion with my own mum. But I know my mum comes from a generation that just "put up with it" and wants to "keep the peace" even if its upsetting & uncomfortable for her.
Im sure your mum loves you but she will never be you and doesn't fully understand your situation. You are also freshly postpartum she should be giving you some grace. You have a small baby to care for now, its not your job to manage your inlaws feelings and play peacemaker.
Not all mothers love their children. If that were the case, about 70% of these types of posts would not exist.
I agree, and after seeing more comments from OP about her mother its seems both sets of parents are pretty toxic.
My suggestion based on your additional comments is when your mom tries to talk about mil- just say, oh gotta go, someone’s at the door, oh gotta go use the bathroom etc. or immediately get up and leave. Boundaries are only suggestions without consequences.
Your mom’s bar for acceptable treatment is so low, it’s in hell. There’s probably a ton of cultural aspects and misogyny here, but having standards for yourself that don’t start with the level being in hell is certainly acceptable and where they should be. Good luck. I hope you guys get out and into a separate house!
You need boundaries with your own mom. “I’m not going to discuss my relationship with my MIL with you mom. It is between me, MIL, and husband.”
Rinse repeat.
You need to sit down with her, "Mum, I think we need to sit down and talk. I find myself getting more resentful towards you because you keep advocating for MIL when, with all due respect, that situation doesn't involve you. I appreciate that you had horrendous in-laws so anyone, by comparison, would look better to you but my experience with them has been awful and I am a grown adult - you need to trust that you have raised me right and therefore I am capable of making my own informed decisions. Can we please just agree to not discuss MIL going forward? I understand your stance but it's ok for us to completely disagree. When you keep bringing it up, it will not make me change my mind. DH can manage his own mother and I just want to ensure there isn't ongoing constant conflict between you and I. If I need advice I will ask you but otherwise, please assume I don't and we can just avoid the topic from now on"
Love this ❤️
So sorry! Some of the worst advice I got in terms of how to handle abusive people in my life came from people who were also being abused. They are in denial about their situation and subconsciously they want you to keep being abused too so they don’t feel bad about their decisions not to leave or draw boundaries.
After I detailed ALL the emotional abuse from my ex husband, my mom asked me if I was sure if I wanted to leave him. (Turned out she was abusive too, but I didn’t realize at the time.)
Until recently after detailing the emotional abuse I was getting from my mom, my sibling basically told me I was exaggerating or that I misinterpreted her action.
When I told a friend about my ex husband she said maybe it was because I was unhappy at my job. Her husband is terrible and she’s trying to justify staying.
Another friend continues to ask me if I feel sorry for my mom not having friends and contact with me.
I limited what I told each of them severely. If I heard any little inkling of doubt I end the conversation. (Eventually I went NC with my mother.) My sibling finally believes me because without access to me our mother turned all her manipulations on my sibling.
Do not share vulnerable information with people who are not safe.
Totally agree! It's about protecting your peace. Just change the subject or give vague answers when she brings it up.
Love - just stop listening to your Mum and agree to disagree with her.
Don’t speak to her about your issues with your MIL.
Grey rock those questions if she brings it up - she really doesn’t need to know, I mean it would be lovely to chat with your Mum about these things, but clearly you can’t - so just don’t…….
Yeah like why is this even a convo? I’d tell mom to back off personally. She’s got no say in this relationship between OP and MIL. Just tell her you’re sorry for her experiences and genuinely wish they hadn’t happened to her, but it doesn’t make your experiences “less bad” bc it’s not a competition and so from now on, unless you bring the topic up, you don’t want to talk about MIL.
You also can’t vent to her, if you are currently doing so. And once you’re out of the immediate PP haze, you and your husband need to find an independent housing solution asap.
My mum and MIL speak quite often, and usually my mum relays things my MIL has said about me. Some of these comments have felt very inappropriate, for example, when my MIL told my mum she should encourage me to shower more, and my mum then passed that on to me days later.
My parents feel they have a duty to advise me on how to handle these situations, but it often feels less like advice and more like pressure. When I don’t follow that advice, I’m treated as though I’m being immature or irresponsible, even though I’m 23 and entitled to make my own decisions.
I’ve told my mum multiple times that I don’t want to keep revisiting these conversations, but she continues to bring them up, often finding small links to turn the discussion back to how I’m supposedly not nice enough to my MIL. Because of this, I’ve stopped sharing things with her. I’m exhausted by being treated like a naughty child for setting boundaries and making choices for myself.
So your mother is 100% a flying monkey whose loyalties are to anyone who harms her daughter. Got it.
Oh boy this is SUPER messy and def harder to navigate. And you are still quite young and living in her home so I’m sure she feels entitled to share her opinion and probably does still consider you a child despite you being a mother.
I agree with the original commenters advice on grey rocking or simply walking away into a room and closing a door when the subject comes up. And you and your husband need to have a serious convo and start planning how to live independently right now. It’s most likely the only way to get out from under both moms. And make sure you and your husband plan on responding essentially the same way to either mom’s interference so you are sending a consistent message as a team.
My husband has a house already, but he is going through the process to evict the tenants so we can move in and it’s just taking the piss so this was the best option for the time being. I am SO much happier here than I was living with my MIL. We are planning to rent somewhere short term if the eviction hasn’t gone through by the end of the month.
your mother was severely traumatized and she carries a great deal of internalized misogyny. It doesn't excuse her behavior with you, but it does explain where she is coming from. If she doesn't get help for her past trauma, she may never understand that the emotional abuse you have endured is also abuse.
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That being said, you are now in a better living situation, but it is still not ideal. Some things to remember when interacting with your mom are to never JADE (never justify argue defend or explain).
stop engaging with her. stop arguing. distract her. remember that she can speak but you never have to do what she says! which means you never have to convince her that she's wrong. You just do what you think is best.
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And you need to get yourself financially independent ASAP - If you have a degree or vocational training, great! It's time to start looking for a job in your field when your maternity leave period is over. Or if you don't have a degree or vocational training, while you're living with your parents and they can help with the baby, now is a great time to get a degree or vocational training - especially if you can do it on-line.
Get yourself into a situation in which no one can control you just because you live with them or just because you are not financially independent.
Good Luck!
“You don’t think too highly of my husband, do you mom?” Really, your mother is insulting your husband every time she insists he’s going to get tired of caring for you and leave you.
I think you should shut this down by reverting to questions, AND by reminding her that she's interfering in matters that are not hers to discuss. I also think you need to quit discussing your inlaws and your marriage with her, because she's not a safe person to discuss this with.
So a big question to rebuff her: "what are you hoping to achieve? Do you really believe this is the way to achieve that goal?"
With your marriage, "did he say something to you? Why are you trying to speak on his behalf? Why would you discuss this if he didn't say anything? If he hasn't said anything, should I assume you are thinking this about me?"
The whole "principle" of things- "what will it take for you to drop this?"
But also, it's time to refuse to argue with her. "I'm telling you that this is harming me. Your principles should include caring about your daughter, and frankly, you continuing to push this tells me you don't care about me. So if you care about me at all, you'll drop this." And "Mom, I'm still recovering from having a baby and am entitled to a bit of grace. Drop it."
I imagine your Mom is caught in the idea that blood is family and you have to accept them no matter what. Your Mom's unhealthy relationship with her IL's is also coloring her thoughts on your IL's. I think you are handling things correctly and you just need to explain to your Mom that this is your decision and not open for discussion.
Your mom is trapped in the idea that she drowned in the 50m pool and she sees you drowning in the 25m (just for the metaphor, imo your situation is also bad), and thinks "hey, that's so much better, the surface is so much closer!" without seeing you're drowning as well.
Sadly she might never see your point of view because she is stuck in hers. Which really sucks for you OP. I'm sorry.
This is an excellent metaphor! Another one that fits:
If you broke your hand, would it hurt? Yes, right?
If I broke my arm, would your hand hurt less?
I think you need to tell her that you love her and appreciate everything she does for you, but you no longer want to discuss your MIL with her. That relationship is between you and your husband and does not involve her and for the sake of your mental health, you will shut down any further attempts from her to talk to you about that topic. Then, hold firm to that boundary.
Any time your mom brings up MIL tell her your relationship with MIL is none of her business. Let her know you won’t continue the conversation. Take your baby and go for a walk or go to your room and close the door. Every time she brings up MIL physically remove yourself from her. Let her know she is damaging your relationship by bringing this up over and over.
Try flipping it around. “Mom, have you asked MIL why she hasn’t replied to my texts?” “Did you ask husband if he minds the unbearable burden of sending baby pics?” Your mom has more experience of dealing with you as a kid and she’s defaulting to that. Also, just because her in-laws were worse doesn’t mean you have to keep wasting your time and energy on people who don’t appreciate it. Finally, it might be time to consider hiring someone to assist you instead of leaning on your relatives.
I would not do this because I would not want my mom and mother-in-law talking, especially because her mom doesn’t have her back.