I somehow stumbled across this subreddit so this is my first post here, and I'm sure there will be many more.
I've seen this a few times on reddit where the MIL or some other caregiver uses the possessive pronoun. Well, it happened to me today. My MIL has always said a generic "baby" (like, "hi, baby!") which in itself is already annoying but for the first time she said "my baby!!!" today when he was reaching his arms up to her. She said it at least twice, so it was double exasperating.
On one hand, I'm trying to remind myself this was just a harmless and playful thing she was saying. He's safe and loved. Husband tells me I always take things too personally, so I'm trying to remind myself it's not so bad. On the other hand, it is extremely triggering to me. I immediately left the room and needed to take some space. I told my husband about it and just said I need some time. But wtf man, how do you manage or cope with this situation?
Here are some things coming up for me (or, what I would say to MIL if I had no filter): He is not YOUR baby. He is your grandson. You're not the one taking care of him all the time. You're not there for the sleepless nights. You don't know how to meet his needs when he cries. You only want to come over and be around when he's calm and playful, and you don't want to be helpful other than by coming to play. He is not a pet (she says "good boy" etc). He is not an item that you own. He is a human who is growing up. He is MY baby.
Edit: thank you all for your responses!
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Context is really important here. If there's a history of overstepping and inserting herself into your role, "my baby" can be inappropriate. That said, "my ___" terms of endearment are extremely common and generally don't indicate ownership. When a man refers to his adult friend as "my boy," he isn't claiming to be that friend's father. The only context you've really given is that it annoys you that she addresses your kid as "baby."
If she's a generally reasonable person, you or your husband need to talk to her. A considerate person will stop doing something if they know it's upsetting. People can't read minds. If she's generally someone who can't be reasoned with, laughing it off seems like the best option.
Stop filtering. Correct her. Laugh at her and say no MIL, this is my baby you have your own (and point at DH).
Seeing the ending seems like you don’t like her so it stems from that. I don’t have kids but my other side view is that she loves him and has that care for him so she sees him as her baby not necessarily her biologically birthed son. I have a few family kids that I see as “my babies”, i love them and they get excited when they see me too.
The other side is she hates you and is trying to get under your skin but idk you guys so that’s all up to you
Was DH there? Trick is to laugh, push DH forwards and say, "No MIL, this is your baby, LO is MY baby"
Just correct her and say "your grandbaby" every time she says it. If she acts confused or brushes it off then point to your husband and say "your baby". Escalate if she escalates.
The point to husband and say “your baby”, is cracking me up
In my dreams, I say: “oh silly grandma is so old, she forgot that [husband’s name] is her baby. Little one, you are my baby!”
In reality, when it happened, I, like you, was kind of just too stunned and hurt to say anything.
You’re not being dramatic at all. Your husband is rude for dismissing your feelings.
OP Your feelings are valid, but saying them out loud to MiL won't make her respect you, because she doesn't want to be told by her son's wife how to behave. How about re-directing her when she says this - like 'This one is mine, yours is over there.' and point to your husband in a joking way.
“Same smells, just as untidy, but you’ll have more trouble picking him up!”
Your husband can think you're overreacting, but if he wants his family to have an active part in your nuclear family's lives then he needs to ensure you're feeling safe and secure around them by setting boundaries.
My MIL did that exactly one time. I told her that her son was over there and at the same time, my husband told her it was not her baby. She didn't do it again. But we are NC with her because if her general entitlement and narcissistic traits. I genuinely wouldn't mind my FIL calling my boys his babies because he also makes me feel like I'm welcome and wanted in the family AND he respects me as the mother. He always asks permission from me before doing anything with my son and I love him for it.
My mil text me “how’s my baby” fyi this was before I blocked her. My reply “my baby is fine, thanks” she said “sorry did I say something wrong if I did I’m sorry” next day she texted me “hows my princess” just the word my when it comes to MY baby pisses me off. You should answer her with what you think in your head and your husband should really have your back. My told my sisters and my mom to not refer to my daughter as my baby and they never did it again
If my MIL texted me asking "how's my baby" I'd go take a picture of her son doing whatever he's doing and send her that with, "he's doing great!👍"
Every time she does that "my baby" thing you can say:
"Your baby is standing over there (point at your husband), LO is my baby".
Practise saying it when you are on your own if you find conflict hard
My MIL have also called my son (her first grandchild) "my baby", asked after being told not to if she can kiss him, put her finger in his mouth, and call his name many times in a row to get his attention.. stuff like that and I don't know what to do..
Calling baby's name many times in a row is so obnoxious. My mom is great, but she will say the same thing over and over and over AT my baby. I'm going to try, "she doesn't know her name yet, mom" next time she's repeating it over and over. She also keeps repeating, "smile for grandma!' and I guess I can try, "oh, it's] whatever time of day], she's usually not in a smiley mood around this time."
Your husband needs to have your back. He needs to be your teammate, and support your emotional wants/needs.
I understand this feeling. Many MILs feel the grandchild is their do-over baby. That's where the concern is, that they are truly confused / don't care that they are NOT this child's parent. My MIL was becoming possessive of my 6 month old. Because of a rough early postpartum with some entitled behavior, I've tried to nip it pretty quickly. Last time she said "my baby," I said in a slightly jokey tone "no, your baby is the one over there with a beard. This one is my baby." She was taken aback but said oh okay. The next visit, she referred to my son as "my sweet boy." 🙄 I'm trying to choose my battles here, so TBD if I'll correct that one as I have a feeling it'll continue.
Definitely! Setting boundaries is key. A little timeout for her words might help her realize how possessive she sounds.
She needs a consequence such as a timeout in addition to a correction.
yeah shut it downnnnn my MIL started that shit when my daughter was born and from there the behavior and weird remarks just got worse… currently not speaking 😅. definitely not overreacting! some people say it without trying to cause any harm, but from what i’ve seen people also do it to get under your skin for some reason. i get the frustration
Trust me you're not overreacting at all… This is an internal mother's instinct alarm that's going off. She's perhaps demonstrating her sense of possessiveness over your child without even noticing she's doing it or she's intentionally doing it pushing the balance to see how far she can take it before you will draw a line in the sand. You may want to say something cute and response laughing by saying oh you mean "our baby!? Lolol" to draw a line but don't let stuff like that slide because it is a slippery slope… I have an MIL like that and every time I send a picture in the group chat talking about my mini me or my baby she always responds by correcting me and telling me it's ours as if she has some sort of possession or ownership it's disgusting… The same woman made my birth experience a complete nightmare demanded that she showed up at the hospital despite Covid restrictions… Things like that so it's the same narrative over and over again from MIL like this… Take note of your own internal feelings and don't let anybody gaslight you.
This is something I know is gonna be an issue for me as well once my baby’s here. I plan on just correcting her every single damn time. It’s my husband and I’s baby only you freak.
Perrrriodt
Have your Husband go sit in her lap and say. I'm your baby.
Lmaaooo thisss yaasss 😂
Correct her. Every. Damn. Time.
Bingo I said the same!
The "my baby" thing triggers a primal rage in almost every new mom. Seriously, it makes your skin crawl because it feels like stolen valor. You did the pregnancy, the labor, the sleepless nights, and the diaper blowouts. She just showed up for the giggles and the photo op.
Your husband is dead wrong for telling you you’re taking it "too personally." Motherhood is personal. You aren't being sensitive, you are being territorial because she is overstepping. She wants the emotional ownership of the baby without any of the actual work.
And yeah, the "good boy" comments are weird... he is a human child, not a Golden Retriever.
Honestly, the best way to handle this without blowing up the family is to correct her with a smile every single time. It drives them crazy. Her: "Come to my baby!" You: "Yes, go to Grandma." Her: "He's my baby." You: "Yep, he is your grandson."
Keep reclaiming the title. Don't let her blur the lines. She is a tourist in his life.., you are the home base.
Stolen Valor!!
I have always heard and even used "my baby" or "my girl/boy" when talking to other people's babies. I think it is just a normal, affectionate use of language rather than anything possessive. Then I had a baby myself and just the thought of my MIL calling her "my baby" makes me want to break things. She never has, thankfully, because I don't think I'd handle it well at all. But my own mother calls my baby and my nieces "my girls" all the time and it doesn't bother me. I don't think it would bother me if my SIL or BIL did either. I don't know what it is but there's some kind of ick with MILs once baby is around. I have a pretty good MIL but once I got pregnant I couldn't stand her - it was even worse once baby actually got here. I wonder if there's some evolutionary explanation for it. It seems so common.
And to anything possible, refer her back to dh who is "her baby". MIL: "Where's my widdle baby?" You: "Honey, your mom is looking for you!" MIL: "I'm here to get some cuddles with my baby" You: "Uhhhhmmmm, honey, I think your mom is asking for a hug from you, although she's calling it cuddles" MIL: "Hand over my baby, it's been too long!" You: "Honey, your mom wants me to hand you over to her. It's a bit confusing, not sure what she's wanting"
MIL: "No, I meant ___________(baby name)!!" You: "Well, that's MY baby, you asked for YOUR baby" <------repeat until she stops.
Great analogy in your last paragraph! 👏🏻