I'm just feeling some grief this morning. My mom and I are incredibly close. I'm also fortunate enough to have several of my moms friends as older mother type figures in my life. And while that is everything, sometimes the grief of not having that with my MIL (especially when I see others on social media) can feel like a gut punch.
I have a several month old baby. I'm not currently speaking to her after some horrible behavior over Christmas (the things she said about me, my parents-you guys! insane!).
But my husband speaks to her briefly every couple weeks in a perfunctory sort of way. And it's sad because it's an information diet. The conversation is basically "Yep. Work is good. Talk about weather. Talk about news. All is well(even when it's not)." Like, right now, as babies do, baby has been having a couple rough nights of sleep due to gas. But when MIL asked about how baby is, he lied and said "everything is great!"
Not because we're pretending the fourth trimester is awesome, but because when his siblings that came before us had kids, all she did was talk crap to her other kid about every hard phase.
And she would just love to run around to everyone else to spin some extremist story about how we have a terrible baby that never sleeps and I'm not making enough diet changes to ensure my breast milk is pure as possible to have a gas free baby and that I'm letting my child suffer. Seriously, this is the crap she says.
And that makes me sad. Sad for my husband that he cannot have a real, emotionally available relationship with her. Sad for me that I don't have my MIL in my "mom village" to be a source of advice and partnership in my motherhood journey. And sad for my kids that their grandmother views them more as a source for her weekly gossip and judgement than as her grandchildren she provides with unconditional love.
And I just feel like no one talks about this grief, because that's what it is- we are all grieving the lack of love and support and the relationship we *should* have with her. And it sucks.
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I’m going through this exact same thing as well. I loved my mil! I used to go on vacations with my husbands family and she always made me laugh. I would talk to her for hours. as soon as my husband proposed to me and we moved into their house, she changed and became so overbearing, manipulative, and a bit covert narcissistic. Violation after violation I’m talking years of boundary stomping and making things about her self- I held onto sooo much resentment. But I’m just now learning to accept that I was having a hard time letting go being super anxious and hyper vigilant when I was over there because it was something new and super overbearing every single time. I just couldn’t stop letting it consume me until I realized I needed to grieve the person that I thought was going to be a huge happy part of my life. I realize now she was always this person. I just didn’t have any value to her family yet or become another person she could use to fulfill her emotional voids. Having acceptance and grieving what relationship I thought I had with her and what I thought our future would look feels so much easier to forgive (for my own mental health) and stop being so angry all the time. it’s sad but the only way I feel peace is just keeping my distance from her. It sucks. So I feel you. But also, good riddance.
I understand the grieving process as well. I have a 6 month old & for my mental health was forced to take a step back from my in-laws. They are pushy, entitled people & I didn't realize how bad it is til they became grandparents (ie I have something they desperately want). I had expected to have them more present & involved. After proving several times that their grandparent "experience" is more important than my/baby's needs, that ship seems to have sailed. When I tried to call out my MIL for their lack of self-awareness, she shut down like a 5 yr old throwing a tantrum. It was so unbecoming. And showed me there was/is no interest in accountability or tough talks for more transparent communication. When you thought better of someone, it's a hard pill to swallow. I'd thought there would be many leisurely stroller walks together & more bonding moments.. Instead, their overzealousness & pushiness drove me away. MIL has shown no interest in getting to know me as a new mom. Her loss. It does make me sad. But it's due to a series of their own choices, so they'll have to deal with reality not matching expectations.🤷♀️ Not my problem to manage their emotions. Not my problem they avoid conflict resolution or tough, adult conversations. Still, it's taking longer than I thought to mourn how I thought I'd get/be closer to my MIL & we'd lean on them more in our village.😞
It totally makes sense to feel that way! Expectations can really hit hard, especially when you see others with supportive in-laws.
I don’t talk about it because I’m not grieving. Not every single relationship in your life is going to be great. I’m not mourning the fact my mil isn’t great. I have a huge group of mom friends, my sister, my brother, and my brother in law/sister in law. That’s significantly more support than most people have. Whenever someone posts on here that they are “grieving” their mil, I don’t really get it. Maybe it’s because I had abusive parents growing up so I’ve accepted that not everyone has a great relationship. But trust me, you and your baby will be fine without her. Especially because you have a great relationship with your mom.
I grew up in the most emotionally secure and loving home with two supportive parents who are my world. I'm also an only child. So yeah, I had different hopes for who she would be, because I grew up in a very different home environment than you did, and while my husband's siblings are great, none of them are geographically close, and we have to be careful what we tell them because things find their way back to my MIL often
It sounds like you have a ton of support from your parents, which is great. Again, that’s more than most people have. I just don’t think this is worth dwelling on. Lots of people unfortunately aren’t great, fill your cup up with people that are
You are a normal, healthy, emotionally intelligent person who knows what a good, supportive, mutually beneficial relationship feels like. That’s why this hurts. But it won’t hurt forever. Grieve properly. You know how. Then, when you’re ready to move on, you will do so without guilt or regret.
Hugs to you.
Thank you. This message meant so much to me to read today.
I don’t know what she said about your parents but anyone who says anything about mine would be dead to me. This was true when they were here and is still true now (they both passed several years ago). IDGAF what you say about me, but my parents are completely off limits.
She says these things to other people, so we can't exactly confront her about it. My husband's closest sibling is who told us, and it was confirmed by a second sibling who was present for the encounter.
So it's not like she said to my face "yo mama is ugly" and I sat there and did nothing
It absolutely sucks. It bums me out as well. I also spent way too much time and energy trying to improve the relationship for these exact same reasons. It’s a lost cause - can’t fix crazy.
Anytime I get these feelings of disappointment I take it as an opportunity to reflect on what my mil is doing so I don’t become her in the future. Like “ok duly noted, don’t to xyz to my child’s future partner”. Not that I would do the shit she does, but it helps me get over the disappointment and makes me hopeful I can build the relationship I wanted with her with my kid’s SO.
Idk if that makes sense.
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. My husband changed his mind about wanting to have a child after his mom didn’t stop being unsupportive of our marriage, though. We probably would have struggled if we had a kid and no support, so I get it but it still hurts. I will never get to be a mother and she will never get to be a grandmother. Of course, i am to blame for it. She will never understand she is the reason
I also don’t get this. Do you have anyone else in your life that is supportive? I had a baby with 0 village, met a huge group of awesome moms at the library, and now I have a huge village. Having a baby brought my siblings and I way closer. Not having a baby because your mil isn’t supportive makes 0 sense to me
And no i don’t have anyone that could help me. Both of our families are toxic, unfortunately
Well, it is a decision my husband made. I don’t want to have a kid with someone who doesn’t want to. It’s sad but for the best. We both don’t do well with stress and with no support, I an not sure we could handle a kid.
Now that makes sense to me. Not having a baby because your husband doesn’t want one. But your mil shouldn’t influence whether or not you have children. My husband and I had 0 support our first baby 2 years ago. We just had our second 10 days ago. My mil lives down the road, has never even brought us coffee or a pizza both times we’ve had a baby. She wants to come over and hold the baby all day, we don’t let her because she offers 0 support. She hasn’t even held our new baby, we let her come over for 20 minutes and made her leave. But we have a great village of mom friends we’ve made over the last 2 years and we haven’t cooked a single meal since coming home from the hospital. You just need to be a villager to make a village
I get that you have to be a villager to have a village. I was super kind and welcoming o her at the beginning. I have made numerous meals for her and brought them to her house, I made thanksgiving meals and christmas meals, among regular meals and buying food for her. I also bought her presents and offered support as she ages. I used to be a caregiver so i know a lot about helping people as they age. It was just never reciprocated, so i stopped.
It was basic self-preservation because she would give us horrible gifts like children’s books, soap and perfume, clothes that were literally 3-4 sizes larger than mine, and old opened food containers (one of which was growing mold). I got tired of the targeted gifts so my husband said no more gifts! The worst was she would always sign cards to me as “mom.” Even after being told not to. Then, she started signing cards to my husband as her name and kept signing cards to me as “mom.” She has always used my dead mother as a jab. On our wedding day, she called my grandma my mom numerous times.
I kept politely correcting her until the 5th time when i said “That’s my grandma,” in a serious voice. Then, she smirked at me and look satisfied that she upset me. My mom died when i was a small child and she knew it. She also knew my grandma was my grandma. She is evil to me and thankfully my husband finally realized it after years of torment. Now, we moved across the country and she isn’t even allowed to know our address. No more horrible gifts and cards for me, ever!!
Oh no I’m not saying you need to be a villager to her! If you have a library near you and they do baby story hour, that’s where I met my fabulous mom group. Pour your energy into people that matter, it’s clearly not her. I am relieved my mil isn’t helpful because my husband doesn’t make me see her and it protects my postpartum peace. You’ll find your people
Yeah, unfortunately my husband doesn’t want a kid. I’m also 40, so to find someone and build a new life in order to have a child seems unlikely. I just have to grieve it and find a bright side. It will come in time. Thank you for your comments, it makes me feel less alone
There’s a lot to love about life without kids! A clean house and lots of adventures. My friend just had her kid miraculously at 48, so it’s never too late! lol although I will say it looks much harder for her than it is for me in some ways. She has a lot more wisdom to offer though. I hope you find a lot of fun things about being child free that make you happy!
I am sorry your MiL is so awful! I can’t believe some people! She should be at least bringing food or asking how you’d like to be supported during this time. You and your husband deserve better!
You should tell her. She sounds awful
I am no contact with her. She can ask her son if she wants to but she would never put herself in a vulnerable position like that. Recently, we moved across the country and she stole my phone number/got it somehow, I did text her back and asked her not to send mother/child stuff because her son didn’t want kids. That way, she can mourn the fact that she will never be a grandma. I have more empathy than i should
Nah, she doesn’t deserve empathy. She can go deep throat a cactus. Lol.
Yes. In the last couple of months I have started grieving the relationship I hoped for. I've put so much effort into the relationship with my in-laws pre-baby. Hosted holidays, bought gifts, babysat the nieces. When I got pregnant, I had no doubt that they would be part of my village. I included them beyond what felt comfortable for me, shared about my pregnancy, invited them to see the baby even before my own parents.
And yet, it was never enough. And it was never about me, either. No woman could ever be good enough for her little boy.
It makes me so sad. I just wanted to be accepted as part of the family, as my husband's wife, as a human being. But she always treated me like an outsider, like competition. And eventually like an incubator.
I'm focussing on building my village with other people now, but it's hard. My own family lives far away.
Oh hit the nail on the head. No woman will ever be good enough for her little boy- My MIL to a tee. I've done SO MUCH- we've been together a decade and only married a year-and it's still not enough as my MIL just told me over the holidays
I at least have good sister in laws (not that MIL birthed lol) but we're far apart, so it's not a village in the physical sense and I worry about what I say to them because you never know what finds it's way back to her.
Yep. Had a moment just yesterday, actually. My MIL surprised us with matching shirts for a football game last night. However, the matching shirts were just for my husband and kids. She tossed $5 at my husband to buy popcorn for me because they didn’t make it to the store. I thought we had been making progress but no. I’m just a $5 afterthought that she couldn’t even get the popcorn herself. Popcorn that my kids would have taken anyway because they like it more than I do.
I have a whole post about how everyone else got hundreds spent on their christmas gifts and their kids (for the siblings who have them) and we got random boxes of Amazon junk, after she asked for a list like 20 times.
And we said nothing about it except when she asked if the clothes fit the baby and if the baby liked the toys. Hubs answered honestly the clothes are too small (we sent sizes, she bought newborn anyway) and that the baby is really too young for every toy she bought and her reply was "well it's impossible shopping for a baby anyway" AS IF WE DIDNT SEND HER A SPECIFIC LIST OF TOYS AND CLOTHES SHE ASKED FOR
I’m so sorry. That’s really rough. It could have easily been so different.
Oh absolutely I feel this all the time. I always imagined I'd have the second family and second mom experience. Instead I have a mil that is manipulative, controlling and extremely self centered. She behaves so badly that I can't stand her even for a short amount of time, or well my mental sanity can't handle it.
What's extra hard for me is that we had a good relationship for the first year or so, when I was "only" the girlfriend aka a cute accessory. When we moved in together and she realized how serious we were she started showing her true colors of being extremely jealous, territorial and controlling.
We're getting married soon and it hurts to see everyone else have their mil be super involved. Due to how poorly she behaves I felt like I didn't dare to include her in anything unless I wanted that experience ruined.
I've tried to really focus on radical acceptance, that I can't change other people's behavior or the situation. I try to instead focus on all the good relationships I have. I've also learned to emotionally distance myself from the situation. Wishing you a lot of healing <3
There's a ton of similarities with our stories.
We got married 2024.
You won't regret keeping her out of your wedding moments even if it feels crappy now. The few mine was included in she nearly ruined. I only look back on those times with gratitude even though I was uncomfortable then setting that boundary
Yeah, I hear you. As I type this my husband is upstairs having the same conversation with his mother that he has every week.
He now says openly that the only way to be ok with having a relationship with her is to have extremely low expectations.
It's sad.
This is exactly what mine says!!! And I hate that!!!
Like I talk to my mom about EVERYTHING. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose that, and my heart breaks for him
Honestly, though, you're not going to fix these people. It is probably best to accept who they are and disengage. But it is a big loss for them to deal with. I have a parent with dementia and I think it's analogous in a strange way - losing the person and any hope of that loving relationship while they are still alive.
No, not really but it's been a long time and my kids are much older. I wish I had all the time back that I wasted on caring about that person. She didn't deserve it and didn't appreciate it.
ngl, It's so tough when you hope for support but get disappointment instead. Grieving that ideal relationship is totally valid. You deserve better!
This is it exactly. I'm a pretty pragmatic person and don't really expect people to change, but I did hope for awhile things would get better with time.
See, my husband and i have been together a decade, but only married last year, so even though he has older, married siblings, I was actually the first serious partner in the family due to age gaps and other siblings getting married after less time than us.
So I hoped for a couple of years it was growing pains and with age and time things would change.
They didn't, they haven't, and honestly things are worse now. It was like things were really bad for many years, then actually got a bit better (not good but like, she went from a 9/10 to like a 6/10 crazy scale), and things have gone to like a 12/10 now, even pre baby.
So the acceptance phase of "it will truly never get better" has hit hard lately
Oh absolutely. I had a very surface level relationship with my MIL prior to children and was nervous how she would be based on observing her with her other grandchildren and hearing stories. Nothing could have prepared me for her level of baby rabies. For my husband's sake I tried to give her chances and trust her but she repeatedly lied and disregarded our wishes as parents so after her final strike I told DH I was done and shortly thereafter I dropped the rope on everything. We already had to have an info diet for the same reasons as your husband but now it's even more important because she keeps making wild assumptions like hearing my husband is working OT and assuming she's going to watch our children even though I will obviously be doing that. I definitely had to grieve the relationship that I had hoped to have with her and the support I had hoped to have. I had come to terms with it all but this year it's all resurfaced a bit because we've had a lot of big life events and could have really used her help but of course we just had to grin and bare it because she can't be trusted with physical or emotional help.
Ah yes the MIL baby rabies. It hit me like a freight train in those early postpartum days of sleepless nights. I was so incredibly unprepared for my MIL (and FIL) to be absolutely obsessed with my child, swooping in to cling onto him for hours on end, fully wanting & expecting immediate babysitting privileges. Why would constantly trying to get baby away from mom help aid the in-law relationship? Why would I want overinvolved in-laws? At 6 months postpartum, I still can't decide if my in-laws are truly that clueless on their lack of manners / rude behavior, or they literally did not care. LikeIy a combo of the two. Regardless, info diet & keeping a busy schedule has helped keep me sane.
I feel this. I didn't even trust her with any info with the baby at any point.
She told me at 2 weeks after my sister in law had a baby that she thought my SIL was weak and "maybe not cut out for motherhood" because she needed help from a lactation consultant AT TWO WEEKS POSTPARTUM to help her breastfeed.
I was like "nope hard pass I ain't tell you jack".
I know this feeling all too well. It’s hard being strong all the time but there are good parts. You’re independent and resourceful! It’s a different kind of strength when you don’t need anyone but it is exhausting and full of a lot of pressure. I have the same experience with my MiL. She failed to see she could have had a daughter in me and that’s on her.
I am sure you tried to have a peaceful relationship with your MiL, too but sometimes some people refuse and engage in power struggles. It’s a toxic generational pattern that needs to be broken! It sounds like you’re doing a great job handling this! I wish for us that one day we do find a nice, accepting and inclusive mother figure. I know we need it at times! My mom died when i was a little girl, my step grandma who raised me died and we never got to resolve our differences.
My dad was a horrible person so my family didn’t allow us to have a relationship with his parents, and my grandma (mom’s mom) is the only one left alive! She is a horrible person! She triangulates the whole family against each other and sabotages anything she can get involved with! I wish you peace and happiness, always and from now on. I am sorry you know this unique pain and i hope you can properly grieve it over time.
My mother was significantly older than my MIL. DH was a honeymoon baby; I was a peri-menopause baby. I always knew the day would come when my mother had passed, and MIL was still with us- and had hoped to have a good relationship. I experienced the grief you described, though now I am resigned to what it is.
Our moms are within a couple years of each other but mine is older so age wise so it's a lottery of what's gonna happen there as both of our grandmothers (their moms) are into their 90s in perfect health
Which has it's own flip side of oh man I'm stuck with this lady for a long time to come (not that I want her to pass but you know what I mean)but yes, the sadness of one day she might be what my kids have left is overwhelming
My breaking point was my JNMIL's talking trash about my late mother. We had tried visiting again after a long period of LC. We are now NC.
My mom died when i was in second grade. Somehow my JustnoMiL failed to realize she could have had a daughter in me. I had to grieve this as another mother loss, too! My grandma is horrible and my step-Grandma who raised me died a while back. We were never able to get along, so it was tough grieving her. My dad’s parents died a long time ago and my family never let me see them because my dad was so horrible.
It sucks not having a mother figure but the only good thing is i am strong, resourceful and independent because of it all. Every once and a while, like when i get very sick or miss the opportunity to be a mother myself, i get tired of being strong all the time. It takes a lot of energy and i feel like that’s been how i have had to be for my entire life at this point. I am tired and just wish i had somebody who loved me unconditionally. I’ve learned the hard way that it will never happen. It is hard to be grieving on and off your entire life!
My sister in law has said similar- her own mom is not involved in her life and she has said to me MIL had a chance of being a mother figure to her and she wanted that, but MIL took the other road and it makes her sad that MIL chose to see them as on opposite sides instead of embracing her
I get it. My MIL has passed but my own mother is like this. She tries to get negative information so she can talk crap about me or give me terrible, sabotaging advice to make things worse. It took me a long time to realize that. Most recently one of my kids got into trouble about school, but when she asked i said "everything's great"... it sucks because my kids see my lying, but they also know if I tell her, that she will give terrible, intrusive advice. I'm an only child and my father is very unwell, otherwise id have to choose no contact with my mother, because obviously the contact is not based on truth, feels gross and I don't think it sends a good message to my kids... but I hear you! I totally understand what you are and your hubs are going through
My grandma does this to me. It’s really hard! She will try to tell me how to cook things wrong, give horrible advice about how to care for my dogs, and is always on everyone else’s side but mine! I hate it so much. I don’t have a mom because she died when i was a little girl, my dad was never around and my step grandma who raised me was very difficult. It’s hard and i have to grieve all of this while trying to be a functional human!
I am sorry you’re going through that, too. The only good thing i have found out about this is that we’re strong, independent and resourceful. That’s more than a lot of people! It is tiring being strong all the time, though!
I 100% get what you’re feeling! My husband and I both went NC with my MIL a year ago. (You can read my post history for context).
While I’m close to my parents and we talk daily, they’re physically 3k miles away. I often mourn the loss of relationship with my MIL despite never being super close. I have a 13 month old whom she’s never seen or met. And I see people post holiday photos with their families and in laws and it makes me incredibly sad to miss out on having that. I’m sad for my husband as this is his mother. Sad for my child to miss out on local grandparents.
It’s a shitty situation and I’m sorry you’re navigating these feelings as well. Ultimately I know it’s not me it’s her, but that knowledge doesn’t take the pain away.
I feel this in my soul…
Me, too. It’s a unique pain i don’t wish on anyone
My daughter is marrying this year. Because of the toxic family dynamics. My husband’s brother doesn’t speak to any of this family. My husbands father is passed and his mother only speaks to the daughter. She hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years now. I fully acknowledge my contributions to this. But I feel for my daughter, his mother’s toxicity has spread to my own children because she only favours the daughter. Life. If I had only known I never would have married into this. Much less had children to continue the sad cycle. All because MIL couldn’t fathom not being the supreme matriarch in perpetuity.
There is favoritism amongst the grandkids already (all of them aren't even school aged yet) and I worry so hard about what the favoritism will do to the kids long term