Aghhhhh I did it. Thank you for your advice before about my mum and her social media dependence.
She came over yesterday and in 2 hours she took about 50 photos, even after telling her to live in the moment and stop she ran to get her phone when my son hugged my neck and she was so over excited she said something like you can't stop me? I kick myself for not remembering the full comment as I was so shocked.
Well cut to this evening and I log on FB her profile photo has changed to my son and she's posted loads again with comments about him "possibly teething" and chatting to "friends" about his hair colour, eye colour and my hair and eye colour.
I come from an enmeshed childhood and a shit one too so I am hugely avoidant and hate confretation but I woke up at 2.30am thinking oh fuck what if she starts putting him on her Tik Tok where I can't see. (I only have fb)
So for my sins I used chat gpt and added extra bits so I don't chicken out. I look at my son and think I'm letting it slide as his mother I'm failing him if I don't say something!!!
I love the photos of **** today but was disappointed to see them on facebook. I know you’re so proud of **** and I love how much you adore him.
I need to be really clear about something important to me though. I don’t want photos or detailed information about him posted on Facebook or other social media.
He’s too young to consent, and once things are online they can be shared, saved, or used in ways we can’t control. Even things that seem harmless — names, routines, locations, or photos — can add up and create risks.
This isn’t about trust in you at all. It’s about protecting his privacy and safety and letting him decide for himself one day what parts of his life are online. Abd also protecting him from sick perverys and data skimmers.
I need you to check with me before posting anything about him, and for now, please take down the posts that are already up. I hope you can understand how important this is to me as his parent.
I have cleared up my fb and only post the odd group photo or photos without his face on display.
I added the bottom section to say I'm not picking on her Ive cleaned mine too (even though mines locked up and only have a few photos up not of his face)
I feel sick of her insane blow out but I now think we'll of she goes crazy she clearly doesn't have the same protective instinct over her precious grandson it's not about her. Man...I think this forum is rubbing off on me for the good 🤣🤣🤣
Inside I'm still that child that is frightened and trying so hard to get away from the enmeshment and toxic parent
EDIT: she agreed one word line on Whatsapp but when I log in fb omfg I see a post saying she's been made to take them down like I've taken her toys away it's so shocking I'm laughing there's even a giglf of a Disney character
Here:
Feeling sad…..but fully respect the concerns and wishes of an Ai Generation to total Privacy. What a shame that the Joy and pleasure of aspects of your life can no longer be innocently shared expressed and shown on Facebook, or any Social Media….. what a world.
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Our first grandbaby was born last year. We were told outright that pictures on any social media platform were absolutely forbidden and consequences for not respecting that would be immediate loss of contact.
I have never ever ever posted pics of my grandkids and I have three..13, 5 1/2, and 4. They are nobodys business. Fuck that shit.
Oh my gosh how funny is that. She posted on Facebook. Ah ha ha
Hey she agreed so I would consider that a Victory despite her stupid reply. Just responded with a very cheerful “thank you so much”
I have a granddaughter and I never post pictures of her anywhere. My daughter and sil have asked us (all the family) not to and we respect that. I do not understand why anyone would go against the parent's decision
Honestly, you need to have someone check her TT account. If she knows you don't have TikTok, she may be posting everything there instead.
I have two teenagers and was totally guilty of posting them online when they were younger. Nothing terrible happened (it was the early 00's) but now my daughter is INCREDIBLY private and does not want to be posted anywhere, and my son loves being online and streams on Twitch. It should be their choice, absolutely. Not the choice of a third party. My son doesn't care at all about the baby pics, but my daughter wishes I hadn't posted them. That's why it's important, our children are not property, they're human individuals without the ability to speak for themselves yet.
Who cares about her snark. She did it. That’s the goal.
Now prevent further postings with that nice note (I hope).
How about a post comment, “thanks for understanding. Cyber safety is so important these days.”
I'd personally try and go the other way. "So you don't care about pedophiles jerking off to (OP's Son)? Okay. I'll tell the whole internet about (example: "I had to drive you to your doctor so you could clear up that STI.")
Oh? Don't want to have your 509 friends know about that? How about not seeing him for the next six months? Bc I'm changing the locks (in case she has a copy).
I'll be honest, I'd be collection on that something chipper like "thanks for understanding mom, things sure have changed since I was little and you were a new parent!"
As a granny of many, I ALWAYS ask my children if I may share pictures of the grands. Occasionally I will share a picture from the back of them, if allowed. Maybe our generation doesn't all understand the privacy boundaries being crossed, but botton line is that we don't have to, we aren't the parent, and no means no
If she doesn’t take them down, you can contact fb to have them removed.
My adult sons have thanked me for never putting their pictures or their information on social media or out on the internet when they were young. It's about them not about her.
why does she randomly capitalize words like drumpf? is it some generational illiteracy?
Mama bear at it's finest. Well done. Goal achieved. I'd ignore her complaining - and check if she continues to post with you being blocked from it. Speaking out of experience with my in-laws.
What a world ? What did this nut do BEFORE Facebook? Does she HEAR herself?
Unhinged.
Before FB, Instagram and Ticktock the grandparents just carried around photos in their wallet or purse and shared them with church friends and randos they met at the DMV or supermarket. If you were waiting in line it was something to talk about before everyone had a cell phone to stare at!
Notice that she didn’t acknowledge anything about this adored grandson not being able to consent. This is not like my childhood, where pictures were either put into albums, thrown into shoeboxes, or never developed at all. There really weren’t concerns about strangers getting a hold of them - not like today.
Yes, this generation of parents IS different because the world is different. This generation actually cares about the long term effects of choices that are made on behalf of their children. This generation understands and cares about boundaries.
With my temper, I would have cut off contacts with her already
If she doesn't take them down, you can report the photos to Facebook as unauthorised photos of your minor and they will remove them for you.
I had to do this when my bio dad posted photos after three separate conversations about not posting.
This is the way. They will suspend her account if she does it multiple times, too. FB doesn't mess around.
“You can’t stop me”?? Watch me. I’d make it a condition of visiting that her phone is locked up while she’s there, and only I would have the key.
Proud of you!
I hope you have friends in common that will notify you if she just blocks you from seeing posts
This is exactly what I came to say!
Good job! Have you ever been in therapy to work on your enmeshment? It could really help you. I had to go to therapy to learn to set boundaries with my parents.
I think her phone needs to be completely away and inaccessible when she’s with baby. No photos at all for now.
You can always look into your parental rights. No one is allowed to post pics/vids of your kids without your permission. I get that it’s family, but we’re learning that it’s not healthy for the child (later when they’re older, those vids, etc, are still out there). You appear to be educated on this, but MIL is not, so any boundaries you set as your child’s mother are up to you. 🙏🏼❤️
And you can't stop her? Well isn't she just special for thinking that. Report every photo. You can indeed stop her.
As a way to strengthen your argument, here's an Irish psa called "Pause before you Post" that does a great job of linking the online world with real world. It might help your mom understand just how her oversharing can affect your child. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QL1FmBaof8
The sad part is I've shared and shown her loads of these. I think I read once too. Who are these likes actually for. Pretty poignant
I'm so sorry. I hope it goes well and she starts to realize that this truly isn't about her. You are doing a great job!
Ooh, that is good. Very powerful illustration of why oversharing can be dangerous. Thanks for posting that.
Great first step…now what is the consequence if she violates your boundary and doesn’t follow through or tries to argue? Restrict her visits? No more taking pictures? There needs to be a “punishment” for you to follow through on.
Not a punishment, boundaries aren't about punishment or attempting to alter others behaviour.
The consequence given after a boundary violation or push will seem like a punishment to the person who is pushing or violating the boundary. And it is often called out as a punishment, eg “why are you punishing me for doing xyz”
Might not be the correct word, but it is likely to be what it feels like.
But consequences, when "given" are that's either a reward or punishment. The whole concept of what boundaries are is so skewed on this forum.
You are correct. Boundaries are not about punishing or rewarding. They are about protecting yourself from the negative actions of others.
The consequences of others actions (the violation of a boundary) WILL feel like a punishment to the violator, just as it will be seen as a reward for those who do not violate the boundary.
How the violator feels about it is not OPs concern. They are an adult, they can manage their own feelings.
The simple fact is, a boundary without consequences, whatever actions that OP may take to protect that boundary, is just a suggestion.
A SELF suggestion. Not a suggestion to others.
Well done.
I had this struggle with my mil with my first born two years ago. And my second was just born a couple months ago and she magically forgot to not post my second borns face even though she has been repeatedly told the last two years to not share our kid online. She listened for a while and then ‘forgot’ when it was more of an inconvenience for her - like a birth announcement or bigger post. So she was reminded again but didn’t fully take everything down. If she does it again, we will be speaking about having access to photos in general because she’s lucky we send her lots even when we don’t have to.
Just a reminder that if your mom listens, she might not stay with it.
Good for you!
If she doesn’t take them down, report every single one of them. I suggest when she comes over you take her phone away or she can’t stay. No pictures or visits are over.
That’s a tough one, you did great standing up that a start
I’m sorry that your mother is so concerned with having something to post that she is missing what really matters - bonding with your son. Keep pushing back, stay strong.