I’m 27 and my relationship with my mum (54) has always been difficult. She often gets upset with me over small things and responds by going cold or giving me the silent treatment if she doesn’t get what she wants. This has been a pattern for years and I usually end up walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Not to mention the jealousy, competitiveness etc.
I’ve been financially independent since my early 20s after building a successful business, while my mum stopped working around 4 years ago. In 2023, I asked my parents if they wanted to move closer to me. They agreed, and I offered to buy them a house to live in rent-free. They sold their home, and my mum chose a house near me that she said she loved. It was expected to sell for $1.2–1.3m, but I paid $1.45m plus stamp duty after a bidding war because I wanted her to be happy.
Since moving in, all she has done is complain about the house. The layout, the toilet, the backyard, etc. Recently she started asking to look at other houses “just to see them,” and I went along to a few inspections.
Yesterday we saw another house that she loved and that will realistically sell for over $1.5m. I said it was nice but didn’t show much interest because I have no intention of buying another house for her.
After that, she gave me the cold shoulder. My dad later told me she’s upset because I “showed no interest” and is now saying she wants to move back home… he also said that he’s sick of her behaviour. It feels like the expectation is that I should buy this new house because she no longer likes the one I already bought, and there’s a financial pressure on me because they sold their property and now they can’t buy back into the market without having a bigger mortgage so they’re ‘stuck’.
I’m currently pregnant and this situation is causing me a lot of stress. Given the long history of silent treatment and me walking on eggshells, this feels like an unhealthy pattern rather than a normal disagreement, but I keep second-guessing myself.
Am I overreacting?
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If your dad is sick of her behavior, he needs to be the one to tell her. He should read her the riot act and tell her to cut the bullshit. And you should enjoy her silent treatment for the blessing it is. DO NOT chase after her. That's what she's counting on.
you need to seriously reconsider walking on all these eggshells. You're her landlord now. If she wants to live somewhere else, she can.
Mummy can want all she wants. That doesn't mean she's going to get. Tell her ungrateful face that.
If she wants to move back home, tell her she can. Was her original home less value than the one you bought her? I would then say that you will sell her current home, buy one at the same value as her home when she sold it then if there is any profit, keep it.
The telling part of this story is that you feel guilty that Mummy is upset over a house she bought for her! Why aren't you angry, feeling used and taken for granted over this? You should be telling her to get her own damn house if the one you worked hard to pay for isn't good enough. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you get treated with disrespect. Why isn't your father apologising for her and making it clear to his wife she is totally out of line with this entitlement?
Do you really want to be connected to these greedy, unappreciative people? You cannot choose your relatives but you can sure as hell tell them where to get off!
OP, it might be time to re-set your priorities without guilt. You’ve been more than generous, gifting $1M+ house.
You have a little family to prioritize. Think logically about the ingratitude of a person who is unhappy with a huge gift.
Where is the money from their former house? Let them put that back into a place at home, even if it’s smaller.
I want you to sing me a lullaby each night. Feel free to ignore us both.
They should have kept the old house and rent it out while living rent free in yours.
Also, your mom is shallow and ungrateful.
Tell her straight up that you are NOT buying her another house and if she wants to move back home, she'll have to pay for it herself
You need to get shiny up your spine and start saying no when she wants something
Let her give you the silent treatment. Don't send texts or call her. Cut her off like she does you
How is she not embarrassed? Her child bought her an expensive house and now it‘s not good enough?
Who‘s name is on the deed? I sincerely hope yours. Stop indulging her by going on viewings with her. You are not her ATM and she really behaves more like a spoiled child rather than an adult. She will not stop at this house as she will find something wrong with it as well within months. I think you really need to have a serious conversation about this and let her know if she doesn’t like that house, she is free to use the money from the (obviously „forced“ sale) of their old house to get a new condo. You will not pay for a new house for her. Or did she already blow the money from the sale? Also, where exactly does your dad stand in his relationship with her? You said he is fed up, but to what point?
Also, as someone before me mentioned, call the police every time when she threatens to unalive herself. I have a feeling that is her way to bully y‘all in bowing to her demands. And if not, she might get the help she needs. In any case, free yourself from the responsibility to manage her feelings and demands. You are about to be a mom yourself and your priority is your pregnancy and your baby and your health. Do not engage. If she complains about you not being interested in any properties she‘d like you to buy, tell her it‘s not up for discussion. If she ramps up and threatens to unalive herself because nobody is on her side/interested in her, call the police. Every time. Get your partner and dad to do the same. And if push comes to shove, go NC. Her actions are not your responsibility.
Ignore her. Any reaction here would be an overreaction because you shouldn't let her engage with you on this at all. Just ignore.
Unhealthy pattern for the win.
Find a good counsellor that focuses on dysfunctional families and narcissistic behaviours.
Enjoy your pregnancy. Gray rock your mother. Enjoy your life, your business, your partner.
It's amazing how entitled your mother is.
She needs to go back to work and buy herself another home. They should have used their other home as a rental property instead of selling it. Stop being mom's financial provider that is disgusting behavior from your mom she will want more and more if you keep giving her freebies. I hope your dad stays and divorces your lazy and greedy mom.
How would this work tho, if you're living far away from your property? Gonna be super expensive every time you have to fix something.
That's when they hire a management team for that property. My landlord did that for several of his properties in another state.
Mom can use the money from her previous homes sale to move back! Don't let her manipulate you please.
There are some people who receive a wonderful and generous gift and feel happy and grateful to have something beyond what they may have been able to get for themselves otherwise. There are different people out there who instead see it as a shift upwards for what they deserve and are entitled to. You bought that house and now your mom is thinking of it not as a one time awesome gesture, but a signal that she is someone who you should spend that kind of money on.
I think you need to remember that your parents are adults. You didn’t sell their house behind their backs to surprise the with a house they didn’t pick. They chose this home themselves, you even paid extra than you expected to in order to secure it for them. After that? The gift is done. If they want a different home, they need to sell it and buy within their means. Remember this isn’t even someone who is typically nice to you and is just having a phase where they give into their demons. This is who she always was. And she’ll continue to be this. So you gotta learn that someone being upset, does NOT mean you did something wrong. I’d focus on your own home and family even if it means sending your parents a note that says that you are feeling stress as a result of their treatment of you and for your health and baby’s well being, you will take a step back for a while to nurture your pregnancy.
Wait, you are supposed to buy her a $1.5 million house? I would be happy to adopt you. I have very inexpensive tastes.
Yeah she loved the first house, too, remember. It’s a game now because they have nothing invested in it. Let them buy their own place back if they want. You don’t need to keep her ungratefulness happy, since it seems like she’s just acting entitled.
1) silent treatment and "walking on eggshells" are emotional abuse. This is definitely not healthy. This is definitely not normal.
2) they sold a nearly mortgage free house. So somewhere they have money.
3) you are not responsible for her or her feelings. She and your father made a choice. They are both adults and if they are not happy with their choice, they can decide to make a different one. None of their choices are your responsibility.
4) you are pregnant. You need to prioritize your mental well being because it will absolutely impact not only your physical well being, but that of the baby you are growing. Stressed mom has a higher risk of pregnancy complications. So you need to make protecting yourself and your peace your only priority.
5) You can hang up, ignore texts, put her on do not disturb, or even block her. No one can make you answer the door either. Reclaim your peace.
6) Please consider counseling if you have not already. You say things have always been this way. The only way to stop the cycle is to learn how to break it. You cant control or change her, but you can control you and your responses.
7) you have a baby coming. You need to think about what is best for baby. About surrounding that baby with loving, healthy relationships that he/she can see and learn from.
Bottom line: you are not overreacting. This is not normal. While you cant change her or control her behavior, you can change you. You can change her access to you. You can change her role in your life. You can change if she is allowed any response from you at all. Drawing boundaries and protecting your peace is not wrong or selfish, it is healthy. Congrats on baby!
I want to know where all the money from the house sale went!
Plus they should have been saving a lot of money since then since they had no rental or mortgage payment.
Honestly, you are about to have a baby.
Do you want to expose your child to this abusive behaviour? You know who she is, she keeps showing you who she is, it’s time to believe her.
The next time she threatens, get her help, call the authorities, start documenting her unwell behaviour. She needs to get help for it or you need to protect YOUR CHILD and keep them away from her.
They made a choice to sell their house and live rent free near you. They made that choice not you and now your mom is complaining about a house she chose. This isn't your problem. They could have invested the money they got from their old house, they could have chosen not to sell and put the house up for rent, they could have found jobs near you and saved money. They didn't do any of these things. You are not responsible for their choices and if your dad is sick of your mother's behavior then he needs to figure that out with your mother because that is between them.
You need to learn to ignore bad behavior and not give your mom her way just because she has a temper tantrum. It is good practice since it a couple years you will need to be able to do this with an actual toddler. The difference is your mom knows better and a toddler doesn't.
Yes! I agree with all of this. My mum keeps saying my dad and I basically forced her against her will to sell their almost mortgage free house and we’ve essentially ruined her life now as she can’t just move back since they don’t have the money.
I’m highly considering going no contact.
That makes literally no sense. If the house was almost mortgage-free, she has the money from the sale. She can buy a house there and get a small mortgage and be right back where she started. She’s just jabbing that Guilt button so you’ll buy her House #2. Which is ridiculous.
What happened to the money from the sale of her previous home?
I think you need to take a huge step back, at the least. She’s only going to get worse because soon she’ll be competing with an infant. The second anyone’s attention is off her and on the baby, expect more attention-seeking bad behaviors. You’ve done more than enough in what is probably multiple attempts to get her approval throughout your life, but she will never be happy. You’re chasing the unobtainable. The way she treats you is abusive, and she sounds emotionally immature. Choose to protect yourself and your child. A book you might relate to is “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson. Maybe it will help you to break free of this roller coaster ride of a relationship.
I love a good book so I will definitely check this out, thank you!
You're about to me a parent and have a child to support. Stop supporting your parents. She can work. If you paid for the current house and they sold their old house, I'm assuming they kept all that money yes? If so, she can buy a new house herself, if the one you provided isn't up to her standards. You have to be comfortable with her being upset. It isn't your job to maintain her feelings and every whim. If everything you do ends up upsetting her anyway, stop trying .
You have bigger priorities than her now. She's going to have to get used to you not catering to her, and now is a great time before the baby comes.
If you give a mouse a cookie...
No matter what you do for her it will never be enough. If you buy her a new house in a few years she will not like it, the goalposts will constantly move and in a few more years she will want a new one. You are not responsible for her happiness.
Spot on, and thanks for the book reference.
They are “stuck,” because your mom quit working at 51.
Don’t ruin your financial independence for your parents’ comfort. Your mom is never gonna be happy.
WTF are you doing? You are an adult and they are treating you like you owe them something. You don't. If mom doesn't like what she got she can piss off. If my kid offered to buy me a home close to them and my future grandchild I would be thankful and polite. You need to grow your own back bone while growing your baby's backbone.
There’s so much more to it than this post reads. I can’t give you a rundown of everything from start to finish in one post, clearly. But she threatens suicide regularly and is mentally unwell. I do have a back bone but I need to tread carefully.
Tell her that going forward anytime she makes that threat you will contact APS and the police for a welfare check. You are not responsible for her mental well being. She is. She uses the threat to keep control. Even if she makes a showy "attempt" to get you to rush to the hospital, it will be to hold that over your head.
Please get yourself into counseling to help you process this woman and all the damage done. You are about to be responsible for a newborn. You cant also be catering to mommy dearest.
You need to call the authorities EVERY time she threatens suicide. If she truly means it, then she truly needs help. Help that you cannot provide. But if she’s only saying this to manipulate (which is highly likely), then she’ll stop pulling this stunt once the police have arrived a couple times. You are not responsible for her happiness or emotions. She’s a grown woman and the way she is behaving is abhorrent.
My guess would be doing anything she can so that she has to live with you when the baby is here. Beware!
If she is truly suicidal, you are not responsible for that, nor can you fix it if you were. If she is not suicidal and is just using that to be manipulative (which is what this looks like) then she is a terrible person. Which is also not your responsibility and is not something that you can fix.
She either needs to figure out how to deal with her own problems, or go to therapy to learn to cope. She should have understood what she was getting into with this deal. She gets to live in a $1.45mil house and does not have to pay for it, or pay rent. She keeps the money she gets for selling her old house. She gets to live closer to her daughter and her coming grandchild. If that still doesn't make her happy, then that's a "her" problem and not a "you" problem. She could have said no to the offer, and she's welcome to move somewhere that makes her happy. But she wants you to keep paying for her ever-changing whims.
If you buy her a more expensive house, then she will be jealous of the houses in the neightborhood that have features that she does not, or that cost even more than hers. If she has the most expensive house in the neighborhood, then she will want to move to an even more expensive neighborhood. She sees you as an endless ATM that she can withdraw from on demand. She threatens you with moving home or suicide. She wants to TAKE from you, not have a relationship with you. Or your child.
What do you want? It's your money and your child, after all.
You are 100% spot on. Everything about this response was accurate and exactly what I’ve been feeling and thinking. I have absolutely been considering no contact moving forward but I suppose I’m scared of the consequences or outcome in doing so.
I need to accept that these aren’t my problems and her issues aren’t mine. Thank you.
Consider taking a stroll over to r/raisedbynarcissists , you might find some common issues ❤️
Stop supporting your mother. You are having a baby and that’s your priority and it’s expensive too. You will have a full life with a real toddler soon you don’t need to deal with the adult toddler too. Good luck!!
She will have a tantrum. It’s not your job to respond.