Trigger warning: suicide, vandalism
My ex and I have been divorced for over a year. I also haven't had any contact with him since the divorce. He sometimes tried to message me on social media, but I ignored him. Then, about a week ago, I decided to block him completely.
Apparently, this resulted in him attempting suicide. I don't know exactly what he did, but he tried to kill himself in our old house. He failed and is currently in the ICU, and has been placed on a placed on a 5150 hold. I imagine he'll be heading into a psych ward once he's recovered enough.
This is all second hand knowledge because I only learned about it when my ex MIL came pounding on my door and screamed at me. It was terrifying. I've known this woman for many years, and she's never acted like this before. For the longest time, she was the dream mother-in-law. She was so sweet and supportive, and she was like the mother I didn't have.
That all changed when my ex and I decided to get a divorce. She continuously tried to manipulate me and kept pushing boundaries and make me forgive him. I eventually had to block her, and we haven't spoken since November 2024. I honestly never imagined she would come storming to my house like she did.
It terrified me, and it obviously freaked out my dogs who wouldn't stop barking. She almost broke down my door and threw rocks through my windows. The neighbors had quite the show. They ended up calling the police before I could because I was just frozen.
She never tried to come into the house, but she called me every name under the sun and said it was my fault her son tried to kill herself. To sum it up, I'm supposedly the love of her son's life and he can't live without me. If I had just forgiven him, then none of this would have happened. It's all my fault for being heartless, and she regrets ever letting me into her son's life.
The police came and arrested her. She was still screaming obscenities, but she was also crying hysterically. She honestly looked like a madwoman.
I'm still shaken by the whole thing. I spoke to my therapist about it because, while I know it's not my fault, a part of me still feels terrible. Like I'm the one that pushed her and her son over the edge. It's not my responsibility, but I still feel like I somehow caused this.
I looked up to this woman like a mother figure for nearly a decade. Then it just all went south when my ex and I split up.
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JNMom is blaming me for my divorce, 1 year ago
JYMIL becomes a JNMIL, 1 year ago
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Clearly your ex and his mom have some mental issues, which is not your fault or your problem.
Restraining order
This is not your fault at all. Blocking an ex is a boundary not a trigger. His mental health and her meltdown are theirs to manage. You are grieving an illusion not a responsibility.
This point is important. Her regret is not, that she failed to raise her child to be able to make independent decisions, and to take responsibility for his actions, but that SHE choose wrong with YOU. In her mind, her son has no free will, but is only an extension of her personality, like you are a prop, a piece of decor to be placed in her life.
It's unhinged and it's dangerous. Get a restraining order.
OP, your ex is the only one responsible for what he did. You know that.
I’d be thinking very strongly about relocating. It’s clear that not just him but also his members in his family have problems. Best to get away from that completely so they don’t know where you are.
Im not condoning her actions, they were awful and terrible and never should have been directed at you. His actions are his own, and youb are not reaponsible for a grown mans actions
That said, her son did just try and kill himself. Shes definitely not in her right mind and looking for anyone other than the person responsible to blame.
She would have done this to anyone. Dont blame yourself like she wants you to.
Press any applicable charges if given the choice, but try not to dwell on mr and ms "avoiding responsibility for my own actions"
I’m so sorry that you were put through this, OP. No one has the right to come to your home, break/vandalize it, and scream at you, even if she’s going through her own fears and feelings about what your ex did to himself. I truly hope that this is the wake up call he needs, and that he gets his own therapist. It seems that this would help you and him, as he needs to move on. Again, I’m so sorry. It sounds very scary! 🙏🏼❤️
The absolute truth is that the only person responsible for his attempt is HIM. And if you went back to him because of his attempt it would teach him to attempt again the next time you set a boundary. Your best move was to block him, and now that his mother has shown her instability and aggressive nature, you'd be safer to move and not give them your address. Until then, get a restraining order on them both and tell your employer, family, and friends to let you know if they show up. I'd go so far as to ask your workplace to help set up a safety plan, if you have security at work - at least talk to your boss about it. Out of control = potentially dangerous.
OP, the healthiest thing that you can teach yourself is that you are only responsible for your own actions. Your ex decided he wanted an open marriage. You tried. It didn't work for you. You divorced him because of this. You have tried to be kind to his family. You have been really decent in not outing him for asking for an open marriage. He chose to attempt to end things because he isn't enjoying the bed he made for himself. This is not your fault.
Your MIL is a raging cow. No wonder her son can't deal with the consequences of his actions. I bet she's always swooped in and made sure his precious feelings were protected while everyone else had to deal with the fall out of his selfish choices. Honestly , I wouldn't reach out to her but if you are ever given the chance I would be blunt in telling her that the marriage was over when her son decided he needed sex outside of marriage. That she doesn't get to decide that her feelings and her son's feelings are more important than your emotional well-being.
I too have a toxic mother. You know how your mom is all about "image"? How things look? Your MIL is too, just in a different way. She wants it back how it was because it was perfect. Bugger the fact that it was far from perfect and her son was being a selfish twat and hurting you, she doesn't care because it looked perfect. What I'm saying is that thanks to being raised by a toxic mother, your normal meter is probably a bit wonky. Your MIL might be miles better than your mother but that doesn't mwan that she isn't all kinds of dysfunctional herself.
Keep going with the therapy. It's hard and it sucks sometimes but you will slowly become a happier and more content version of yourself.
Please consider relocating. She (& he) have clearly shown they are dangerous.
I second this. People on the edge and blaming OP shouldn't know where OP lives.
Ok darling....you did not cause this - none of this is your fault. If you had a few months to calmly think about this you will know some things. He was always capable of this. It was an underlying current in your relationship. SHE also knows this...she knows how selfish and manipulative he is. This is not new knowledge to her...she knows and she did nothing to help him. He knows what he did. He successfully manipulated both YOU and HER. He thinks he "won" in the OMG POOR BABY olypmpics. I realize this sounds cruel and assuredly he needs a LOT OF HELP to get to a better place. I hope he gets that help. That help is not you. That help is not his mother.
Look at the actions of the person who RAISED him ... how is any of this YOUR fault? He is an adult and makes his own decisions, and his mom's actions reveal some mal adaptive patterns he may have learned. Be kind and gentle with yourself none of this is your fault AT ALL.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a horrible situation for you. I hope your ex gets the help he needs and you can get some peace. I’m sure you know this, but just in case… it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I hope you know that none of this is your fault. hugs. 🫂
I think if you look back at your marriage with a different perspective, you might find that you didn’t have the greatest mother in law after all.
I have and I promise, she really was genuinely great. She wasn't the type that would barge into our house whenever she wanted. She didn't demand I do things to accommodate her or do anything to actively inconvenience me. There weren't any backhanded compliments. She didn't demand grandchildren or constantly side with my ex whenever we had any sort of argument. She never excluded me from family events. From the first day my ex brought me home, she was always a very welcoming and friendly person that I genuinely liked spending time with.
Which is what makes what happened all the more upsetting.
It sounds like she is projecting her anger at him for how he responded to his distress onto you because that's less uncomfortable than recognising how angry she is at him when he just almost died. So she's trying hard to "fix" the problem (which she is projecting to you). Her extremeness shows how overwhelmed and not ok she is and how powerless she feels. So she's attached too hard to this idea that you not forgiving him forced his hand and if she can make you forgive him she will feel like like life is controllable and he will magically be fixed.
None of that is true. He is responsible for his reactions and how he copes. You can't make someone do this. You didn't make him respond to his grief by hurting himself and you didn't make her respond to her feelings by being aggressive like this. And she needs some time and some therapy to come to terms with her feelings of helplessness and her anger and fear and complex emotions towards him.
Those reasons don't excuse any of it though. That was NOT ok and she committed a criminal offence to try to avoid and fix her own emotions. You don't deserve any of that. You deserve to feel safe and his actions are not your concern anymore. Don't engage or respond to her and never open the door or window.
I would consider a restraining order against her, and if it ever repeats I'd consider moving. He and she both need to get mental health support and it's not your fault or your concern.
Big hugs that would have been so unsettling and scary.
You mentioned his name. Maybe edit that out? And also don’t blame yourself. This wasn’t your fault.
Thank you; fixed that, haha. And thank you; I know it isn't, but sometimes just hearing it from someone else helps.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
In a way, I feel sorry for your ex-MIL, as well. It must have been gut wrenching for her to find (out) her son tried to end his life.
Mourning comes with anger, negotiation, etc. I suppose in the case of a loved one trying to commit, those emotions come just as well.
That doesn't mean they are valid, directed towards you, though.
You are not responsible for another adult's mental health. He could have sought help. He could've done a lot of things differently.
None of his choices are your responsibility.
Easier said than felt. But you know it's the truth.
Perhaps writing MIL a letter, to let her know you're sorry she's going through all that, but that you can't let your ex into your life anymore - especially since you're the object of his irrational thoughts - might help both you and her. But on the other hand, making a clean break, and blocking both her and your ex from your life is more responsible.
Oh my gosh, I’m SO sorry you went through this. You have to be deeply rattled by this. It’s one thing emotionally to deal with knowing your ex made an attempt on his life, it’s another to have his mother turn into a madwoman and pin it all on you.
Please know it is not your fault and you do NOT deserve her wrath. I skimmed your previous posts and it really seems like your ex thought he could quite literally FA and skip the FO part of FAFO. He made the choices he did and it resulted in insurmountable changes to your marriage, and any healthy person would understand that they are accountable for the consequences of their actions. He clearly wasn’t healthy then, and clearly isn’t now. You are not responsible for “fixing” that.
Please continue to work through this with your therapist and focus on not taking this on yourself. You should consult with police to talk about steps you should take for your safety right now as it relates to the MIL.
This has look what you made me do vibes to it. Its a manipulation technique.
I totally understand how she feels. My 1st husband committed adultery. I divorced him, they moved to Tx where she’s from and 5 mos later he wanted to come back. I still loved him but the trust was gone, I said no. A month later he was killed, hit by a car while on his bike. I blamed myself bc if I would have taken him back he would be alive. When I finally went to therapy my therapist told me he made the choice to commit adultery and moving away. That’s when I was able to let the guilt go.
Okiady-1962:
I have to give another example. If you hadn’t divorced, he might not have been in Texas, true. But they could have moved anywhere.
AND: if he hadn’t cheated, he wouldn’t be with her in Texas. If he hadn’t gone on a bike ride but stayed home with his new boo. If he had gone a different road and not been near that car. If Schwinn did not make bikes he wouldn’t have bought one. If if if.
Your Ex-MIL should’ve been set straight long ago about her precious son and the reason for your divorce. If he can’t live with the consequences of his own actions, it’s certainly not your fault.
I’m so sorry you are having to put up with her behavior. He obviously is having trouble adjusting to the divorce, but he should’ve gotten therapy or shouldn’t have asked for permission to cheat in the first place. This is not your problem or your fault and ex-MIL was lashing out because you are the easy target.
So she expects you to be miserable in a relationship with him to pacify his feelings? Sacrifice your life because he hasn't processed or learned the coping skills to be able to walk away from the relationship? NONE of this is on you. You can't force someone to be with another person. It doesn't seem like it right now but this is the best outcome (not him attempting to take his life but the current situation) because he obviously has some deep rooted mental health issues and now he will get the professional help he needs. As for his mother, I would say you need to apply to the courts for a restraining order or, at the very least, a no contact order. She also needs to pay for any damage she has done along with compensation for emotional distress. Her son's choices are not on you.
Please consider a restraining order. She’s off her rocker.
For once, this advice is given to an OP who probably actually qualifies for one. Listen to this person, OP. Your MIL needs to see that you’re not going to be the scapegoat.
She sounds like there’s some untreated mental health issues going on.
She’s not a safe person. Please don’t let her in your house and don’t respond to her texts or calls
Maybe you're right, but it's difficult for me to fully commit to believing that, I guess.
My exMIL has always just been a bright and sunny person. Think similarly to Rose from the Golden Girls, minus the air-headedness. My ex's whole family is like that: happy, simple people. I just think what happened might have just pushed her over the edge.
I still won't be responding to any texts or calls, though.
This is not your fault. He is responsible for his own actions. His mother is responsible for her actions. It's not your fault. I've been there and I know. Of course you feel bad, you're a decent human being, but you aren't responsible for their lives.
There are going to be more eloquent responses. Just - I am so sad and angry that this happened to you. You did nothing wrong.
Seems like there’s a family pattern of not accepting responsibility for your actions and shifting blame to others. I’m sorry you’re their scapegoat. You should probably move if at all possible.
Unfortunately, I just moved into this house, so moving again isn't really an option.
I wouldn't move, but do get yourself some security going. Get a video doorbell for front and back, and some floodlights that are motion detecting. If there's room in your life for a big dog, this is a great time for one.
I would also consider personal protection options. Including gel irritants and firearms. Get proper training first for both.
Look at simpler devices like scream alarms, and tactical pens. Learn karate or other self defense methods.
I would say at minimum people need to do the above to stay alive and well in most bigger cities, and I'm sure plenty of other areas. Time to shore things up.
And, like everyone is saying, get restraining orders.
She's probably going to be back. If she's better, she'll have an apology, and if not, you'll get more of this. She's broken, and you are not going to be able to help fix her.
You’re not responsible for his mental health or choices. Obviously, he needs help. Instead of his mother focusing on that, it’s easier for her to blame you. Please get a retraining order against the both of them.
This ^
This isn't your fault. There's no need for you to feel guilty. Mil can't blame her son for his own poor choices, so she's blaming you. There was a reason you got divorced. Clearly, it was the right decision.
She can be roommates with her son in the psych ward.
This is not your fault, but feeling bad and thinking of "what if", feeling horrible about having an elderly woman having an aggressive mental breakdown on your doorstep, and getting arrested, feeling horrible that your former husband (who at one time you loved so much, you married him) tried to hurt himself, means you have empathy and a conscience. Something this woman doesn't have, even if she managed to fool you for a decade. I wonder why she doesn't blame herself for her son's poor mental health? Most mothers in her position would be blaming themselves.
For a little context, our divorce came out of nowhere for our families. They genuinely believed we were happy and deeply in love. To avoid embarrassment, the story is just "he cheated one time." My exMIL thought I should forgive him and give our marriage another try. That's what he wanted too.
That obviously didn't happen, and he's supposedly been depressed ever since.
Your ex couldn’t live with the fact that he ruined your marriage with his infidelity. I’m sure his mother kept pushing him to try to reconcile and he couldn’t handle telling her the truth. I hope after this incident you tell your family.
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you want to be with them.
She might get put in the hospital next to him. He had other options. People can't bully your body and your feelings by hurting themselves because they don't like how you feel...
Oh now she can get her own 5150 along with him
None of this is your fault. I would recommend that you get a restraining order for your ex-mil and make sure you get a copy of the police report from her arrest to back up your request. I also recommend getting a ring doorbell if you don't have one already and cameras outside your house so that you can see who is approaching/who is out there. You may also be in danger from your ex-husband. When they think like this it's easy to go from 'I can't live without you' to 'if I can't have you, no one else can'. If he has exhibited any behavior of this sort, request a restraining order against him too.
Wow! Just be careful, you never know what she will do next.
I don't think she will return. Namely because of the charges, but also I think this really was just her breaking point. I just hope I'm not wrong.
Let’s remember that you’ve been divorced for over a YEAR, and she still harbors this much anger towards you. Yes, his attempt was the event that pushed her over the edge, but after all that time, her first instinct was to come straight for you!
We can safely assume that she’s not gonna invest any of her time into seeking genuine help for her disordered & unhealthy thoughts, so what’s next?
What if he gets out, only to try again? God forbid, what if he succeeds? You can really predict the behavior of a mentally/emotionally unwell person & you can’t predict her behavior based on the woman you once knew. But you can be proactive with legally protecting yourself & maybe even improving your home safety.
Wow, what did they charge her with? Some charges being more serious than others.
I strongly disagree.
She views you as the aggressor and the cause for her son’s mental health spiral. Right now, she just views your refusal to go back to her son as a stand alone event. Never mind that you had legitimate reasons to separate. Never mind that YOU do not owe your freedom, your life or your happiness to your ex husband.
It doesn’t actually matter here why you decided to end things. The fact remains that the marriage is irreconcilable, and the only person unable to accept this is your ex. It is something he has to work through in therapy, and will hopefully be addressed during his hospitalization.
The point is that his actions are on him and only on him. But your MIL is currently in crisis. Logic isn’t taking control here, she’s reacting on instinct and panic. She’s lashing out at you, because in her mind, her bay’s pain is your fault. She’s desperately hoping that you can undo everything by just going back to her son.
Hopefully, after her son starts to make progress, MIL will once again get a grip on reality, but you can’t know that for certain. You also don’t know what will happen if your ex’s health takes a turn for the worse.
She’s already assaulted you. She’s vandalized your property and made threats. She’s used weapons to attack you. It was spur of the moment, but next time, she might come back with a plan.
Please stay elsewhere for the next week or so, until you know your ex is on the mend least.
As a parent I feel terrible for her seeing in her son in that condition but you are not in any way, shape or form responsible for what your ex did or his mother’s actions. Neither one of them seems capable of dealing with reality.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I cannot imagine how frightening and shocking. She is upset and needs someone to blame and she can't place it on her son and accept he is responsible for his own actions. You were allowed to leave a marriage that wasn't working. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Her expectations, that your feelings etc don't matter and only her son's happiness are terribly unfair. Please don't blame yourself.
I keep repeating those words to myself: "never set yourself on fire to keep another person warm." It's been sort of personal mantra for almost a year now. But after what happened, my brain keeps trying to convince me she has a point, and I hate it.
I think this is because your memory has XMIL categorized as "absolutely great until the divorce." But NO ONE switches from a truly kind & generous person to a nasty manipulator overnight without a brain injury. It will probably be painful, but if you look back over your memories you will probably identify times she was actually covertly manipulative. Understanding that may help you ignore her new efforts to manipulate you into taking responsibility for her son's needs.
Lots of people will be sweet and kind to you when you’re doing what they like and agree with (even if they aren’t manipulating you to get you to do their bidding). Then we see a different side of them when things aren’t going their way.
“If I had just forgiven him, then none of this would have happened”
Forgiven him for what?
OP, understand that you are not responsible for other people's choices and actions. They are both adults, and therefore, responsible for managing their own feelings and emotions. If they are struggling, they need to reach out and seek help. You cannot save others who emotionally manipulate in order to have their wants met. They have both put you through a nightmare, and you certainly can't shoulder any blame for their behaviors. I think it's a miracle that you have come this far unharmed.
There’s nothing you could have done, or failed to do. It’s terrible that his mental health took such a dive, and hopefully he gets the help he needs. But engaging with him wouldn’t have helped him in the long run. He needed to come to terms with the end of the marriage and your presence would most likely have been a detriment to that process rather than helping. It’s okay to be sad for him but please don’t blame yourself or let her get to you. How would staying in a loveless marriage be beneficial to him? She also needs to come to terms with things and both of them need to do this far away from you.