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Other posts from /u/Prudent-Teaching2881:

• ‘Grandparents love their grandkids more than their own children’, 21 hours ago

• Is it unfair of me to not want my MIL to see me in hospital?, 1 week ago

• Anyone else MIL controlling like this?, 1 week ago

• MIL says FIL isn’t allowed in her house after our baby is born, 2 weeks ago

• Would you expect a separate invite?, 2 weeks ago

• MIL wants us to babysit her kids for 2 weeks while she goes abroad., 3 weeks ago

• MIL wants to choose baby’s name, 3 weeks ago

• MIL keeps guilt-tripping and undermining me during pregnancy and I’m exhausted, 3 weeks ago

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If you’re having trouble finding your voice, they have pregnancy Tshirts with stop signs on the belly. Some that say “If you touch my belly, I’ll punch your throat”. Lots of variations on this. Buy a few and wear one every day until she gets the idea.

Of course she’s gonna paint you as the bad guy, otherwise you would have been more confrontational. But you know she will stir up drama and make you feel like you made a big deal out of something that was just “affectionate”.

So the real question is, why do you live in her house and when can you get out of there?

1st of all, kaka is a term for shit. So she's calling the baby her little shit? 2nd, step back and loudly state she did not have permission to molest you and to stop immediately.
If she continues do it back to her in as public a place as possible. I'm all for traumatizing them back if they can't follow social boundaries

Stop seeing her and bluntly tell her why. There’s no way she doesn’t know she’s making you uncomfortable. She seems to be doing it on purpose. Her son can handle her from here on out. 

I would honestly just say that you “appreciate” her excitement for the baby, but it makes you uncomfortable when she jiggles/pokes your belly. You’ve got enough stuff on your mind, you don’t need to worry about your MIL tummy-attacking you at any given moment. Maybe down the road you can share moments with her when you’re further along or when you feel movement, but what you need right now is personal space in regards to your baby bump or whatever you’re working with. It’s not at all an unreasonable request. I would approach it from a place of love and admiration. Pregnancy is known for being an uncomfortable experience just as it is; maybe your MIL is just used to that kind of stuff in regards to pregnancy. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak your mind if someone’s doing something that feels intrusive.

Best of luck with however you decide to approach the issue and make sure to prioritize your wellbeing during this exciting time. I hope it’ll be a simple solution.

Normalize popping tf outta ppl hands for touching you after you said no. Hell the first time they touch you. Warn your husband if he doesn’t warn her you will be popping tf outta her if she does it again.

Did....did you say "Stop touching me?"

Be loud. If you have to be near her and she touches you YELL. “Omg stop touching me” “why are you touching me?”  Get everyone’s attention. Personally when I was pregnant if I had to tell anyone more than once not to touch me I just stopped seeing them. They can respect my body or they can not have a relationship with me or my child. Now is the time to establish boundaries with consequences before the baby arrives because that type of person won’t start listening to you unless there’s consequences 

How about “keep your hands off of me! What are you - five?”

She’ll get mad but treat her like the child she is.

You have to TELL her to stop, and then get your husband involved. So what if she thinks you complained about her? So what if she doesn’t like being told no?

“Any part of you that touches me, you’re not getting back”

Darlene Connor on Roseanne

Im newly pregnant but I hate being touched, even before being pregnant. I will judo chop anyone who touches me without permission. Its a consent thing, and if shes ignoring your boundaries now what will she be like when the baby comes? What happens to your kid that cant consent? Set firm boundaries now or deal with the consequences later.

Tell her in plain language that she is not allowed to touch you. She will likely have a little tantrum but let her! It’s you she is violating and she will continue to violate your boundaries.

I wish I had spoken up sooner with my MIL and let her have her little tantrums because I would have been sticking up for myself a lot sooner. These crazy MILs do not reform. And they do not respect boundaries.

You are in angst over her terrible behavior and it needs to be flipped

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You need to use your words.

Backing away should be enough for her to understand but I’ve found I have to tell please that I don’t like to be touched and please don’t.

I don’t even think I can read this story, the immediate rage I felt just reading the title lol.

Get a sweatshirt made with a baby printed on the tummy area that says 'if you rub my belly, I'm rubbing yours' or something silly. Then rub her belly, obnoxiously!

It should only have happened once. Pushing her hands away and saying “ don’t do that”. Putting up with it over and over again I’m at a loss for words.

Start with "please stop"

I've always been of the opinion that, if you didn't put it there- don't touch it. You need to have body autonomy and set boundaries now because it will absolutely extend to your child.

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Three little words: don’t touch me. Loudly and coldly and repeatedly. Walk away every single time.

Imagine what it would be like if you could say the word 'no'.

It’s not too late. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how much I dislike it when you poke/jiggle my belly. Please stop doing that. Also, please do not call my unborn child ‘kaka’. I will take distance from you if it continues.”

I’ve found that a loud “don’t touch me” can help in this situation. Let this episode go and correct her from now on.

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Have your husband explain to her that you are not to be poked, prodded or touched in any way by her. It is not funny. It is not silly or kind. He needs to tell her to keep her f-'in hands off you.

Tap or push her hand away and say no. End of story, if she keeps it do the same to her only a jiggle more firmly looking in her deadpan in the eyes, then move away. She'll probably play the victim, but say "it's unpleasant and I don't like it either so stop it" and walk away. Hopefully your husband will have your back otherwise it's a whole different story..

Ask what parts of her body you're allowed to touch without permission so you can be even.

When I was pregnant, my DH family started touching my tummy without asking and I wasnt even showing yet. I completely shut down for the visit and didn't accept anyone's touch except my husband (i also used him as a buffer between myself and everybody), and had a complete breakdown in the car. I froze and hid because I was NOT expecting anyone to take liberties with MY body. DH took initiative and yelled at everyone stating they are not to touch without permission because that's disrespectful to him and me, treating me as though I was just a carrier and not a human. He gave them 1 warning that if it happened again (intentionally touching my abdomen without asking) that nobody would see us until long after the baby is born. Nobody touched without asking since.

My recommendation would be to either let your husband handle it firmly and thoroughly, or you do, make sure you guys agree on a consequence, and then follow through when/if they break it. Clearly ignoring/Grey rocking her isnt working and she needs to be spoken with, probably by both of you to ensure that she understands both of you are a team in this.

She not going to know unless you tell her.

Call her out and tell her to stop. Make sure it’s where other people can hear. If that doesn’t work, call her out online. I made a post when I was pregnant about not appreciating being touched (my MIL was the exact same way, she treated me like an incubator rather than an actual human being). Thankfully, a bunch of my friends commented and agreed with me. So I think it finally got through her self-absorbed skull that she shouldn’t mess with me in that regard.

Before there becomes a next time, look deep into her eyes and let her know that if she touches you again she won’t be touching your baby when it’s born. She doesn’t get to touch without consent.

I remember from 34 years ago work colleagues touching my belly like it had become public property, and wishing Id spoken up..

With your MIL how about saying "when i start lactating i hope you arent going to try touching my boobs, because that would be equally inappropriate"

See how she likes that!

When I was pregnant I had someone grab my stomach and ask how baby was doing. So I grabbed their stomach and said, "idk how are you?". They didn't do it again.

Did you communicate verbally as well as non-verbally?

In what you have written, you are only expressing yourself in your dress and moving away / protecting your belly.

You need to state your boundaries clearly.

You can and should say something, or she will continue.  Before she does this again,  tell her firmly that you don't like it and want her to stop, and if she does it again you will correct her on the spot. She'll likely try to say it's cute or affectionate or you are over reacting- just ignore that and repeat yourself firmly and calmly. No explaining or negotiation. 

Then when she does it again, push her hand aside firmly and say, loudly and sharply (like you would to a dog jumping up on you) "No! I told you to stop that!". Then move away. She'll cry, argue, say you're being mean, tattle on you to her son and other family.  Ignore it. Do explain to your husband ahead of time so he knows its coming and can support you.

Then do it again. And again. And again, as long as it takes. She may engage in an increase in this behavior, or in bargaining "just this oncr" because she "loves baby". Ignore it and hold the line. 

She sends flying monkeys? Act puzzled as to why she can't follow such a simple request and stop touching you without consent.  Act truly confused and concerned for her mental state " I don't know what's wrong, I have to keep telling her not to do that, it seems like she can't remember from one visit to the next that I don't like it, maybe she should see a doctor ".

And keep a sharp eye on her behavior around baby, if she's like this towards you she will be more likely to touch, hug, kiss, tug on baby in an intrusive manner. Your job is to notice it and protect baby from overly long hugs, mouth kisses, affectionate pinches and pats and grabs. Don't let her watch or do diaper changes either. 

'My kaka' is her affectionate name for you unborn baby? It's kind of funny for me, because kaka is what toddlers in my language use for poo. Your MIL sounds infuriating

You were more polite than I would have been

Why can’t you just tell her to stop while looking directly into her eyes?

"MIL, keeping your hands to yourself is a simple concept. It's something they teach in preschool. So why is it so hard for you, a grown woman, to understand that I do not want you to touch me?"

My MIL is very touchy and likes commenting on weight. She stopped after I asked her if it was her meds making her look so bloated. She still likes being touchy on the rare occasions I see her now, but there's been no more "concerned" comments about my fat.

You need to speak up. Don’t be kind about it. I’ve asked you not to touch me many times and you do it anyway . Now I am telling you DO NOT TOUCH ME! I don’t like it. Do I have to start slapping your hand away to make you understand? She has now been warned that her actions will have consequences. If she continues and you have to slap her hand away a “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” Would not be overkill.

Give back the same energy. Jiggle her belly and say your menopause pouch is just so squishy I can’t resist.

Practice this:

MIL please do not touch me without permission

If necessary say while slapping her hand away

do not smile

Not overreacting. Personal space is personal space, and it doesn’t evaporate because you’re pregnant and MIL is all grabby-hands.

If that were me, and she did it again, because I’m blunt, I’d react loudly with “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” 🤷🏼‍♂️

I think you need to push her hand away and say no like you would a child. She’s not taking the subtle hints. You are going to need to tell her stop it in the moment.

Use your words.

I grew up not allowed to set this sort of physical boundary, so I understand how much of a process it can be to learn how. If you are not yet in a place to explicitly say "Don't do that - I don't want to be touched!" there are other options. 

Can you bring yourself to shriek, yelp, flail or make a noise? If so, Miss Manners an etiquette expert, agrees that it's quite proper to do so, preferably drawing attention from other people at the same time. 

At which point one exclaims "You startled me! Why would you touch me like that?!?" 

Another possibility is that surprise causes one to accidentally throw a beverage. "Oh, I'm sorry MIL, but I didn't expect you to touch me without permission. You should probably go change before that stain sets."

Dirty laundry, a plate of food, the kitchen towel - anything that might accidentally go flying because IT IS EXTREMELY REASONABLE to jump in surprise at someone touching you. You have the extra protection of "Oh, these pregnancy hormones! I should probably go rest to try to calm down after that scare." 

It takes practice and you will get better. Good luck! 

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“STOP touching me” not yelling but louder than you normally speak, emphasizing STOP.

Who cares if she makes a scene, you need boundaries for your own mental health. Yes, it’ll be awkward when you say it, Good! She might get the point

You have to say something for sure. My MIL recently did something similar to me for the first time but I know I need to say something NOW and not let her do it again.

I also think there’s a way for DH to bring it up to his mom. For example next time they talk and his mom asks about you, he could say “she’s good but she’s noticing that people are touching her belly a lot now that she’s really showing and it makes her uncomfortable but doesn’t know how to say no to people” that way it’s not directed at her touching you but a general statement that you’re not enjoying being touched in general.

From your end, it’s harder to say something now that’s it’s happened a few times but I agree with what others have said, words late are better than not at all. The next time she goes into touch you, you can say “belly off limits actually!” Or find a way to say a blanket statement with the fam similar to what I suggested for your DH - you can say that you’ve been feeling alright although people have started to touch you more and you didn’t expect to feel this way but you don’t really like it.

Overall, your feelings are totally valid. It’s insane that people think they can just put their hands on your body.

Smack her hand away and tell her to stop.

Of course it isn't too late to say something. Your MIL, by your other posts, makes you miserable and at the rate she is going will be lucky to still be allowed near you in another year.

100 % you should very firmly say 'MIL, I was hoping you would pick up on my attempts to avoid you touching me but you did not, so I am going to have to bluntly tell you that I do not want you touching my belly. It makes me uncomfortable and I am telling you to stop."

Repeat "I am telling you to stop," no matter what justification or excuse she gives. That is YOUR body she is ignoring your autonomy over. If you can be brave enough, based on your previous posts, you and your husband can add that if she continues to ignore your autonomy as an adult and parent, she will be increasingly be kept away from your family until she can learn to respect other people's agency and autonomy.

Just because you should have shut this down the very first time she did it does not mean it's too late now. And it's ok to snap, to react with annoyance or anger. She will probably be upset but so what? She'll live.

Honestly the number of times I've had to tell people "I just don't really like being touched" is astronomical but it does usually help. Yeah occasionally people get sort of offended or hurt but I just reassure them "I'm just not big on physical affection, it's not you, it's me." - I'd recommend saying something instead of just trying to physically show your discomfort. Some people will never pick up the signs & for those people physical distance is the only cure.

My best friend has for years said bye to me with an "air high five" bc she knows I don't really like hugs. I stand behind my husband when we leave somewhere & he usually acts as a physical deterrent.

“Florence, I should have spoken up about this earlier. It makes me uncomfortable when you touch or talk to my belly. I know you are excited about the baby, but I am still an autonomous adult with normal physical boundaries. Going forward, please adjust your behavior to respect my personal space. Thank you for understanding.”

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Why don’t you just tell her you don’t like it, it’s making you feel very uncomfortable and you’d like her to stop? That seems like an easy solution here.

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Repeat:

MIL - that’s annoying and inappropriate.  Stop! 

See? Words are your friend!!

No. Definitely tell her to stop doing that. Or just generally to stop touching you without your permission. It's your body and you have the right to set those boundaries.

Learn to speak up!

I'm torn between a very loud "Get your hands off me!", "Keep your grubby paws to yourself!" or grabbing her stomach in return. You are not the bad guy in this situation. Normal people (related or not) DO NOT grab other people's body parts.

Have you actually told her to stop? 

Like she’s wildly inappropriate but seriously use your words - the delay doesn’t matter - just bring it up 

Have you mentioned to her that you are not touchy-feely and you're not comfortable with any of this at all?

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