I posted about a month ago when MIL was asking DH to see our newborn eventhough we are NC. The meet up didn't happen because we'd all been sick and then Mil went on holiday abroad for a week.
After my last post I did talk to DH and his reasoning for being ok with the meet up, was that if his mother dropped dead tomorrow he'd feel bad that she never got to meet her youngest grandchild. I don't feel the same way as it's her responsibility to be a better human and make up with us if she truly wants to have a relationship with her grandkids but my husband is a smart enough man so I was willing to compromise & allow him to take the baby to meet his mother briefly. They are meeting tomorrow.
Now that DH has agreed that she can meet our almost 12 week old, she is now asking if she can also see your 3 year old. Bare in mind this is the same toddler she said she wouldn't bother having a relationship with a year ago because she couldn't take her off unsupervised & do what she wants.
She hasn't apologised & eventhough we have said many times we are happy to sit down & discuss any issues to try & move forward she still claims there are no issues & there is nothing to discuss.
I spoke with DH recently and he believes his mother is now likely trying to backtrack and in a roundabout way saying she "didn't mean it like that" when he brought up some of her old messages to her. I explained again why im not comfortable with his mother being alone with our children as it seems that as time passes he forgets what she said. I told DH that to me, this just shows why we need to sit down and have a conversation so Mil can clarify what she meant (eventhough her messages were extremely clear a year ago, so to me I would be asking for her to explain herself) and for us all to be on the same page in regards to boundaries & what's appropriate when it comes to DH & I's children.
I honestly think it will be an insult to mine & my husband's intelligence if she sits there and says we both misunderstood her messages when they were very clear & there is no way they could be misinterpreted.
It seems Mil is really trying hard to rug sweep & thinking that as a whole year has gone by & we've had a new baby that she can weasel her way back in without doing any of the work. I don't plan to make it easy but it's tiring & I can't see my relationship with her going back to how it was before after how she's acted.
Im already having anxiety about potentially letting her around my children as I feel like when she's around its like having another toddler, she says and does inappropriate things and you have watch her because she likes to do things when your back is turned. The thought of having to address every transgression is draining for me!
I know DH wants the conflict to be over and so do I. But I wont be offering my children up on a plate to her and allowing her to do as she pleases with them, as I know that's what she wants.
I guess I'll have to wait and see what my husband says after seeing his mother tomorrow to gauge if we try to move forward or carry on with NC.
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Other posts from /u/craftyExplorer_82:
MIL asking to see newborn, 1 month ago
Temporary wobble/Mil still wants to send gifts., 4 months ago
Seeing MIL after 8months NC. Update, 5 months ago
Wish me luck! Possibly seeing MIL after 8months of NC., 5 months ago
MIL love bombing? Again?, 7 months ago
How did your NC JNMIL react to finding out about pregnancy?, 7 months ago
Mil turned up unannounced., 8 months ago
Mil is a hypocrite., 8 months ago
Pregnancy announcements when NC or VVLC?, 9 months ago
Gift arrived from mil, 10 months ago
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You are in fact offering your child up on a platter if hubby is taking said child to see MIL. She’s getting exactly what she wants….them, without you.
Oh DH, what a disappointment.
Well she hasn't acknowledged, taken accountability, admitted wrong, apologized? Why are you changing your behavior if she isn't changing hers
There’s no way in hell I’d let him take either child to meet her. This would be a hill I would die on.
We offer kids up on serving platters now for people who don’t deserve it.
Husband is a disappointment. That he would allow a person he’s no contact with around his newborn is ridiculous. He is purposefully rug sweeping MIL’s past behaviors. I wouldn’t let him take either kids to meet her. Rug sweeping solves nothing!!
Personally, and this is coming from a family who is NC with MIL - the children don’t go.
Unless she patches things up with you, your husband goes alone. And IF things improve with you, then the children may be around her.
My husband has made it very clear that our daughter will not be around MIL until she apologises to me and I want to be around her. He doesn’t care if that never happens, his family (us) comes first.
I explained to DH he can have whatever relationship he like with his mother but until she apologises and acknowledges the things she said were unacceptable , she will not be seeing our toddler.
I want my husband to feel like he has some autonomy, so I compromised in agreeing that she could meet the baby once since he would feel bad if she never met her. But unless she has changed and apologised, she won't see the baby again or get a chance to see our toddler.
She can have a relationship with her son that doesn't include your children. If she wants to apologize to you then you may be able to mend bridges but until then she doesn't get access to the kids.
I don't understand treating one parent terribly and then expecting full access to their children.
The problem is she doesn't care about her relationship with her son or me. She just wants access to our children. DH and his mother are not close. He's kept her at arms length is whole adult life. She's said such disrespectful things to him, and basically made out that as a grandparent, she doesn't have to listen to him and can do what she wants when it comes to our kids.
If anything, she should be apologising to him, im just the one who read some of her messages and put my foot down that all this was not ok and she will not spend any time with our kids because of it.
So, your children are her do-over babies??? I think you and hubby need to sit down and figure out what he wants to do in relation to his Mother going forward.
Yh, it seems like it, she doesn't have a great relationship with her son so she wants to spoil her grandchildren and undermine us to force a close bond with them...that's how I interpret it anyway.
I believe that's why she was so upset about not being allowed alone time with our toddler. She wants us out the equation to play like she is the favourite family member and in charge.
I think we will likely have a sit down conversation when he gets back from meeting his mother today, especially as I think she is likely to ask him about arranging to see our toddler.
She would be getting exactly what she wants. A visit with newborn and toddler and her son without you. Is this the reward that you want to give?
I made it clear he isn't taking our toddler and she only gets to meet the baby once. It's not a regular thing unless she makes things right with us.
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Well exactly, as you said they are his children too, so im giving DH some leeway to assess the situation and see if she will apologise so we can move forward. If not, then we continue the NC.
Yup she wants weasel back in without apologizing.
Exactly my thoughts, but maybe DH has some information that's given him some hope that Mil will actually apologise... things will definitely be more clear once he comes back from meeting her.
She’s taking advantage of her chance to meet your your LO to also see your toddler so she does not have to take responsibility for her actions.
It’s truly mind boggling to me how people will play such mental games to avoid saying they were an arsehole.
Do not let her see the toddler. Stand your ground. I also think your husband is more worried about his own feelings than the health of his family (you, toddler, LO). I also know you have to compromise at times.
Exactly, as soon as he said she has also asked if she can also see our toddler, I laughed and said absolutely not! I told him she's lucky im allowing her to see LO2 because I could have easily said no.
I know the situation is uncomfortable for my husband but its because everyone just puts up with Mils behaviour and no one challenges her. DH has kept her at arms length his whole adult life because hes tired of her ways. It's not even about how she's treated me, she talks to and treats him like rubbish and thinks she can dismiss him as an adult & father and do as she likes with his children and that's onto of her being irresponsible, inappropriate and crossing boundaries when I've been present.
I made a compromise because he is the father & I don't want him to think im evil and controlling and never allow him to make decisions for our family. But I can see how this situation has taken him way out of his comfort zone with his relationship with his mother.
She’s taking advantage of her chance to meet your your LO to also see your toddler so she does not have to take responsibility for her actions.
It’s truly mind boggling to me how people will play such mental games to avoid saying they were an arsehole.
Do not let her see the toddler. Stand your ground. I also think your husband is more worried about his own feelings than the health of his family (you, toddler, LO). I also know you have to compromise at times.
Your husband needs a goddamned spine. If she drops dead without having met the younger child, it would be her own fault for being an AH. If he does this it will be rewarding bad behaviour.
She has no reason to change or apologize if you’re just going to give her what she wants - and that’s exactly what she’s getting.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou
She's not the issue. Your husband is. He's the one meeting with her and allowing this contact.
I agree. Its like as time passes he puts it all to the back of his mind and forgets why there was conflict in the first place. But that's clearly how his family have always dealt with conflict...be mad at the person one day, then sweep it under the rug and foget it ever happened the next. Meanwhile I remember everything and often feel like the only one holding the fort to protect my 2 kids but also my husband from his own mother because he doesn't see clearly how toxic her behaviour actually is because hes been conditioned to just accept it.
OP, I’ve been NC (minus very large family gatherings where I avoid her and when she randomly shows up to my kids activities where, again, I avoid her) with my MIL for over a year. She’s been told what she needs to do to restore the relationship yet she refuses. Instead, she’s just “praying for forgiveness,” which means she wants access to my children without ever having to take accountability for what she’s said and done. She also claims to not have said and done things that we have in text and on video, and then claims the “misunderstanding.” I think if your MIL has done nothing to remedy her wrongs, then NC you stay. It is very generous to allow her to meet your newborn and you have every right to put strict rules on that visit regarding her access to the baby and the time. I would not send your toddler, ad doing so would just tell MIL that if she waits long enough, you’ll give in. Stay strong OP!
Im sorry that you are dealing with very similar issues. My toddler will be staying home with me while DH meets his mother with the baby. When he told me Mil had asked about also seeing our toddler, I said absolutely not! As im aware it would send the wrong message.
My Mil has also been told what she needs to do to be able to come back into our lives but she brushes it off everytime saying there is nothing to discuss, so she clearly doesn't acknowledge what she said or the way she acted was unacceptable. I knows shes hoping we'll just forget everything and move on like nothing ever happened, she thought gifts would do it and I know she's thinking because we have a new baby, its an opening for her to weasel her way back in.
Stay strong OP! It blows my mind that these MILs would rather rely on the passage of time to attempt to weasel their way back into our lives over taking the time to reflect and take accountability as we’ve asked. And when I hear they’d do “anything for these grandbabies”… I guess anything but take a good hard look in the mirror and try to make things right. I hope the meeting went ok and your DH has it out of his system. You know what’s best for yourself and your children so keep your head up and keep doing just that!
She's not rug sweeping. She has a super Hoover vacuum trying to suck up the rugs she's been sweeping under for years.
Ask your DH why you have to suck up her mess? Wouldn't he expect his children to apologize if they did wrong? Wouldn't he want them to be aware of right and wrong so they can live in the world comfortably with people. Teaching your children that it's okay to be disrespectful to people is not a good standard in today's world.
Good luck with keeping your standards in the face of his noodle spine. I know he wants his Mom to be a grandma, but doesn't he want a good Grandma for his kids?
This is true. From previous discussions with my husband I found out he can't remember any situation where his mother has apologised to him. She even said we are the ones who need to change, not her when DH brought up past transgressions & reasons as to why we won't leave our LO alone with her.
I believe DH family have just accepted her behaviour or this is just how they've always dealt with conflict. Mil is always arguing with her own mother and have periods where they upset eachother dont talk & then are talking again with no sort of resolution, it seems.
I've spoken to him about our children and what this kind of behaviour will be teaching them and does he really think its acceptable for Mil to threaten not being in their lives when she doesn't get what she wants. They are very young and dont understand a lot now, but they will as they get older. He always agrees when I point these things out but its like he forgets over time because its not staring him in the face everyday.
You're not exactly NC if hubby is going to meet her with the kiddo. She will never change. Bullies only understand one thing: a tougher bully. Good luck.
She hasn’t apologized, is trying to rugsweep and believes there are no issues to discuss… but you’re still letting her see your newborn? All because she may die tomorrow? And your husband can’t even step up and be honest with her. He made it a YOU issue that she hadn’t met them already.
Why does she need to change when she just gets what she wants regardless.
Honestly I wouldn’t let him take the baby to see his mom. If he wants to see his mom and have a relationship with her then he is free to do so. But imo she shouldn’t get to treat you the way she has which lead to being NC to begin with and then get to bypass you to have access to your newborn. It feels like she’s being rewarded if that makes sense. Your husband is not supporting you on this. This is on his mom. If she wants a relationship and to meet her grandkids she needs to do the work. It’s a cop out using the excuse that he’d feel guilty if she died without meeting the baby. If that happened it would be her fault and only her fault.
I wouldn’t compromise on this and I’d die on that hill. If you let this go what will he ask/demand next? I bet he’ll want to have regular visits with his mom and the kids without you. Don’t budge.
Right. So now she’s met her youngest grandchild, what next? She needs a relationship with them. And you can’t forget 3 YO. Give a mouse a cookie…
So, why is your husband moving the goalposts? He said he would feel bad if his mother died before meeting the new grandchild. Now it’s seeing the three year old. I guess the real conversation here is, what does your husband really want/want from you and what is he willing to accept from his mother.
If we used the “but if they die tomorrow” attitude with everything no one would be held accountable for their poor behavior. Actions have consequences and your husband needs to understand this. Your kids safety and health, emotional and physical should be his top priority as should yours. He is caving and taking his mother’s side.
It’s bullshit. If they died tomorrow we shouldn’t hold them accountable today?
No. Fuck that. Absolutely not.
He’s rewarding her bad behaviour.
She hasn’t even apologised, she’s rug-sweeping and so is he.
Once you allow this visit, he and she will push for more. They’ll conveniently forget that she caused this and instead act like you saying you’re being uncomfortable is making things - their rug-sweeping - awkward.
Nope.
She’s had months to apologise but she doesn’t and then just demands to see your children and husband is trotting over there to do what she says.
Not a good look. I’m upset for you.
Maybe try this with your DH "if our toddler wants to eat nothing but candy, and throws a fit every meal, screaming, throwing food, holding their breath, will you give in? What about if later our baby is older, and decides to make art on the walls every time they get a marker, crayon, paint, or even mud? Will you allow that? Would you be happy with just taking every possible item that could used to draw on the walls, and then still have to watch the child like a hawk to make sure they don't use a rock or mud or if we missed a pencil? Because that's what your mother is doing. She's causing trouble and wants no accountability. She wants us to pretend everything's ok, and I end up needing to watch her like a hawk every moment to make sure she's not doing things with our children we don't approve of. She wants to say and do things we don't approve of, that's why she wants them alone. She knows I will watch her and doesn't like it. I don't want to have to monitor her. It's exhausting! I need you (DH) to understand that your wanting to allow her back in with no accountability, with her lying to our faces that 'she didn't mean it that way' makes me worry that you will not be able to tell our toddler no, you can't have candy for dinner. Will you cave when our children throw a fit, just so things go back to normal? Children learn that if screaming gets them what they want, they will just scream more and louder next time to make it work again. So you can't give in to bad behavior. This is what it looks like to me, what you are telling your mother. That it's ok to lie to us and gaslight us about what she said, just so things go back to normal. She's tried to give the toddler alcohol! When you watch her she can't do whatever she wants, and she hates that. Why, DH, do you insist on allowing our children around an unsafe person? I'm sorry it's your mother, but surely you see what I am saying here? We cannot allow her to do whatever she wants. And whenever we tell her that she throws a tantrum, ignores our children saying if she can't do anything she wants we do not approve she'll go play favorites with other relatives. The children will grow up and begin to understand that Grandma sometimes leaves, and buys presents for cousins, and they will wonder why she doesn't love them as much. And that's IF we give her access to the children and keep watching her to keep them safe. I need to to help me protect them. And right now I think that's keeping them away until we can come to an understanding with your mother about what is and is not appropriate with the kids. I understand that may take a while. But then we don't have to worry that she will disappear again, saying that it's not worth it to her to love them if she doesn't get what she wants. I don't want to have that conversation with our children, especially when we're just trying to keep them safe. I'm willing to talk with her. I'm willing to work on this. But let's not bring the kids into it until we have begun working on it with her."
I'm sure you can take this and add more examples, I've read your posts but some were deleted and this was already long (sorry!) but hopefully laying it out like this will help your DH understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you just need to lay it all out. I thought about putting something in about guilt tripping, as I'm guessing that's what she's doing to him, with him coming back worried she might die without meeting the baby. She has to be in his ear about her health etc. You know your DH and what sorts of examples or how to phrase them for him. But I thought a starting point might be helpful for you. I hope it is! Good luck!!!
NC for one is NC for all. You don't break NC just because you have children Your went NC for a reason.
There is no way in hell this woman would be seeing my child without me. She is getting EXACTLY what she wants and she didn't have to do a damn thing to get it. She knows this because why else would she push boundaries and ask to see your other child, when she is on thin ice as it is? Because it's easier to go through her son and manipulate him than having to deal with the true barrier: you.
I would go and babywear and not say a word to her. That way, she has to keep her hands to herself, and WHEN (not if) she doesn't like that and pops off, you can extricate yourself and your child and leave your husband to put her in her place. She got to SEE the baby like she asked, so obligation completed. Work those loopholes. She only gets the reward of actually holding and interacting with your child when she takes accountability for her actions, not before. How she responds to any of this would cement how the relationship between her, you and your child moves forward. But getting to see the baby without you? That's a privilege she just hasn't earned and doesn't deserve.
Insist he go to therapy for at least 6 months before she meets baby.
So she’s not emotionally safe (or physically for that matter) to be around YOU. But you’re allowing her to be around your 12 week old without you there ? Am I understanding that correctly?? Absolutely not.
It’s likely that she will be on her best behavior at the meet up, and he will say she’s changed and the cycle will begin again. The only way to stop it is to get your husband in therapy so he can recognize that his desire to have a relationship with his mother will harm his children. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I know it’s much easier said than done to get someone to change what they’ve been trained to do since childhood.
Your husband may be a smart man, but his desire to take yours kids to see his mother is coming from emotion, not intelligence.
Keep the 3yo off limits. You've clearly compromised by way of her meeting the baby via husband and she's got exactly what she wanted: access to the baby without having to explain herself to you.
The other half of that compromise ie: what do you get from it? You get to keep the 3yo off limits.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but your husband is caving (guilt, holiday season etc) and if you cave as well you'll end up in a world of shit because your husband won't be of any help. Stand strong.
Why would you expose your children to someone so toxic that you refuse to be around them? Their relation to your children does not override the fact that they are terrible people. When they've proven they've changed and are safe to be around then, maybe, they can meet your children.
Your DH is the weakest link here and he’s in for a serious disappointment. Again.
A conflict can also be over when one army leaves the battlefield. NC was the move. Now it’s all back on and you’ve undermined everything by allowing her back in.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids!
She should not be seeing either of your children. There's no apology. No changed behavior. No indication anything will be different. Your husband is rewarding her for.........nothing.
Sorry, but compromising at all was a bad idea. You've given an inch and she's asking for a mile. Time to shut it down.
He’s going to cave and allow her around both of your children without you
Just what she wanted.
So what has she learned.
Throw a tantrum, allow some time to pass, DH will miss her THEN he’ll offer up the kids to her without their mother.
Point out this manipulation to your DH and say his argument for her seeing the baby no longer applies since she is now pushing to see the older child as well.
Your MIL will learn that she can wait you guys out and get what she wants without doing any work in return.
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This man is willing and eagerly using his own tiny baby as a peace offering!
I don’t think you’re wrong at all😔