I’m pregnant and completely drained from dealing with my MIL. I live with her usually, but I have moved back to my parents temporarily while I organise somewhere else to live long term. She oversteps constantly, ignores boundaries, and makes everything about herself. It’s really affecting my mental health.
She wants to control everything to do with my baby. She’s told me she wants to bathe the baby herself, that she wants to choose the baby’s coming-home outfit, and even told me not to breastfeed because “I want to feed the baby too.” She even said that she will take the baby overnight to ‘give me a rest’ when I don’t want that. She also said that she ‘forbids’ me from going home to my parent’s home after my baby is born. She wants to have a massive party 7 days after baby is born, her and my husband’s paternal aunty both decided on that without even consulting me. I only found out after she mentioned it in a passing comment about what she has bought the baby to wear on the day of that party. She also said she ‘forbids’ me from sending my child to nursery and that I need to leave my child with her even though she is not a safe carer - she has repeatedly let my 8 year old BIL carry her 9 month old nephew on his shoulder and swing him around the room and he even fell down the stairs from the top step because she was sat on the phone to one of her friends and wasn’t watching him properly.
I’ve tried involving her in healthy ways like showing her things I’ve bought, sending links, asking opinions, but unless she’s in charge, she gets upset and arsey. When my husband gently told her we should all shop together before she buys anything else, she blew up and called me ungrateful because when she had her kids she never told anyone to send anything back and that people are gifting things out of love.
She also keeps calling me antisocial because I don’t come downstairs every time there are guests. I have anxiety, and large groups make me uncomfortable, something my husband has explained many times. When my parents came to visit, she wouldn’t stop making comments like, “Z never comes down, she only came down for you lot!” right in front of them. Even my own mum joined in saying “yeah, you should come down more,” which really hurt, because I expected her to back me up instead of piling on.
To make things worse, my MIL completely ignores basic boundaries. She literally pees with the bathroom door open and talks to me mid-wee as if that’s normal. She also walks into my room and takes my things without even informing me. It’s honestly uncomfortable and shows she has no sense of personal space or privacy.
My husband has been supportive, he told her calmly that I have anxiety and that I’m not being rude, I just struggle with socialising, especially while pregnant. Instead of listening, she guilt-tripped him, saying “when you live with family you have to compromise” and “people don’t know she has anxiety.” Then she switched to passive-aggressive guilt like, “it’s ok, I’ll just stay quiet.” She always plays the victim.
My own mum keeps telling me to “keep her sweet” and “just let her do what she wants,” but it feels like no one cares about how I’m feeling. I would do that and just let her buy it, but my MIL is the sort of woman who keeps tabs on things. If I didn’t use what she buys she would then create an issue over that and somehow make it out that I am again being ungrateful or not wanting to use what she bought when it’s just not fit for my needs.
I’m constantly expected to manage everyone else’s emotions while mine don’t matter. I’m tired, I’m anxious, and I just want peace before my baby arrives.
Has anyone dealt with a MIL who guilt-trips, oversteps, and makes everything about herself? How do you protect your boundaries without constant conflict?
I’m at the point where I’m dreading every interaction with her. I’ve been referred for counselling for depression as a result of her shenanigans. I just want to enjoy this pregnancy without feeling criticised or suffocated.
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That's a lot of pressure to carry. I hope your husband is on board with no longer living with MIL. Good for you going to your Parents to exit the situation. Work on blocking the static of others to focus on your physical health, mental health, and by those benefits the baby's health. It's great your husband is speaking to his mother. I do not know the dynamic of your husband's family and I am guessing there is a heavy emphasis on the male's family. It is time to sit and have a long conversation with your husband, when you are properly rested and the right head space. Now is when to talk out how your relationship will manage this situation moving forward. I would make sure to do it with only the two of you and phones silent. Let him know what part of his families traditions you are willing to be an active participant. Let him know what your hard boundaries are, like not being told what to do by your MIL. Be open to hearing him on what is important for him too. Work out your family (you, DH, LO) goals and plans, discuss each of your respective families to figure out how to manage their involvement with your family, my husband and I manage our own respective Parents/Sibs/extended for boundaries and involvement, and I do suggest going very low to no contact with MIL while you two are working this out. I personally would make clear to your husband, any and all communication with MIL goes through him. The only expiration on his management of her is there is none.
Let MIL make her plans and demands, you do not have to comply with any of them. Focus on what you need to get done. Oh, one last suggestions. When you get your own place, let your husband no that you will not allow MIL to enter the home without him or one of your Parents present. She will try to bulldoze over you and your home the first opportunity she gets. Best wishes and health.
I’m gonna assume your desi? My MIL also wanted to have a party 7 days after baby was born and like you i have really bad anxiety. I struggle a lot with confrontation too and like minding my own business. I can never say anything back to my MIL or SIL. My advice would be that you need to have your husband step up and have your back. Our mils will only listen to their son, he has to put his foot down. Every time she says anything that you don’t like he needs to make it clear that you are the baby’s mom and you will make the decisions for the baby. At first she won’t like it but it doesn’t matter he needs to keep telling her. No matter what you say you will be the bad person, and she will use it against you to try to get your husband on her side so he needs to be the one who makes it clear to his mom of the boundaries not you. My mil crossed a line and decided she wanted to shave our babies head 7 days after she was born without telling us. When we got mad her excuse was I’m the grandmother. My husband lost his mind. I did not say a word but my husband made sure he said enough for the both of us and since then she has slowly started to understand that no matter what she says my husband will be on my side. This will only get worse once the baby is here, she will try to comment and control everything. Your husband needs to make it clear you’re the mom and you will decide what’s best for your baby. Are you able to move out? Or is she gonna live with you forever. Also please note a party is not necessary you can just do something small instead like give out sweets along with the meat (if you’re sacrificing) to your family and if you are desi or Muslim which is seems like from your post you can also spend the first 40 days of your birth at your moms. You have the right too. The first 40 days are meant for self healing, taking care of baby and recovering. Even back home all women go back to their moms to stay. Tell your husband you will spend the first 40 days with your mom and he can come visit or even stay the night if he wants to. If you need someone to talk to you can message me, I understand the situation your in, its not as easy as telling her to just stop or to move out.
You guys need to move out. It’s not her baby. You are allowed to say no to the party. It’s actually dangerous to have a party for a baby that young. Also, why is she being so selfish to deny your baby the benefits of breastfeeding to feed the baby herself ? She just wants to play mommy. It’s time for you to actually be a mommy, be brave and step tf up . It’s time to defend your baby and yourself.
OP, you already made the big step of getting out of there, good for you! Just do not go back no matter how sweet she acts. Physical separation is fundamental in maintaining independence and peace. Despite what your mom says, MIL is not some holy entity, she is not more or better than you - you absolutely do not have to do anything to “keep her sweet”. (Sadly, even our own mothers can contribute to the dysfunction sometimes, while her opinion is valuable it is simply irrelevant)
MIL has had her babies, she lived her life the way she wanted, she doesn’t get to take over yours. Remind yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong by wanting to do things your way, and even if you were that’s nobody’s business. Don’t explain yourself or try to reason - she’s a master manipulator and will always find a way to “win” because she operates by no logic and will eventually exhaust you into compliance. You don’t have to wait for her to stop doing what she’s doing, assume that she can’t and keep her at bay.
Change your behaviour around her - stop doing “nice” things for her, do not ask for her opinion, do not include her in your decision making and on your outings. Make it a rule to not make decisions when she is pressuring or guilt tripping you. Become a steel wall, imagine her demands bouncing off you back into the bottomless pit of her needs. Get used to saying “No, thanks” to whatever she’s blabbing.
Identify the areas you struggle and outline what is no longer acceptable - set firm boundaries to protect your family. Whenever she oversteps take a pause and call her out on it, act like you’re shocked at what she’s doing. Have some key phrases to deploy to stop her in her track or to simply allow yourself a voice. “ I am not interested” “No that doesn’t work for us” “This is not up for discussion” “ I do not like that” etc. Remember you always have an option of ending the conversation and walking away. You’ve got this mama, postpartum hormones will help you protect your territory better, trust yourself and lean into that. F anyone who acts entitled to you and yours, focus on your needs and comfort. Make your time and energy a precious resource, protect them from the likes of her. All the best OP, you’ve got this.
(when you’re fine and settled, you can revisit whatever rules you have put in place to protect your family, and make adjustments to how much you want to involve Mil in your babies life. Do it based on your comfort and need, not on what she expects)
Why do you and your husband live with either set of parents? I think that really should be step one. His mom is outright problematic and your mom is encouraging you to give in. That means neither is a good housemate for your growing family.
I am in the process of finding somewhere else to live. Unfortunately it isn’t as easy as just getting up and leaving. I have to actually find somewhere else first. I need money to move out.
MIL is full on controlling and overbearing.
I would find your voice and speak up for yourself otherwise she will continue to get worse.
MIL, we conceived this baby, I will be giving birth and this is MY baby. I'm not having a baby for the purpose of you being able to play mom again. The firsts belong exclusively to me and that include what we decide to dress baby in when they leave hospital. You do not have the right to forbid me from seeing anyone especially my own parents. This is MY time to bond with MY baby so whether I breastfeed or not, I will be the one to feed my child, I will be the one to bathe my child and change their diapers. I will be sleeping with MY baby, this is MY time to bond with MY newborn, I did not have this baby for the purpose of providing anyone else with something to ddo.
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It is precisely because people are raised to be docile incubators that they end up in these situations and posting here.
Toxic families raise their children to never talk back to their elders and unquestioningly bear the next generation. See how OP's mother advised her to be a doormat. I bet this is not the first time. There's probably some cultural expectations complicating matters too. OP had just enough backbone to want better and to seek advice in this sub.
Your shaming isn't particularly helpful.
Maybe read my post properly and you’ll see that is precisely what I am asking advice for. Maybe don’t be patronising and actually give me advice on how to do that.
If you live with a person in their home realistically theyre always going to have some control over your actions because they control your housing and shared spaces of the home, so the first thing is “don’t live with them”
But also, you have to not care if they like you and not care about “keeping the peace”, because if you care about that then the person who can throw the biggest tantrum will always win.
I admit that I am the polar opposite of a people pleaser. I am a people antagonizer. So take whatever I say with as much salt as you want, because to me “not many people liking me but absolutely nobody ever trying to take advantage of or manipulate me” is absolutely an acceptable bargain.
But basically, you say no to whatever the hell you want, and if someone doesn’t like it, you just….don’t care. I fully accept that nobody needs to like me or my actions. I am not allowed to control other people’s feelings and they get to feel or think whatever they want. But I am the one who controls what I do, and while other people are entitled to their feelings, those feelings are not going to influence my actions. If they don’t like that, that’s okay. I don’t need them to like what I’m doing. I don’t need permission or approval.
I do need to ask myself fairly often “Am I being an asshole”, because decoupling yourself from other people’s opinions can make it much harder to notice when you are actually doing something wrong.
How to do it? Say no.
Go with ?..!,.... .
Please go no contact with this woman.
I wish I could but at the moment that’s pretty impossible considering I live in her house. If I go no contact with her, we will have to go no contact with my husband’s entire family. It just feels a bit unfair to him.
It will be on them to go NC with your husband and it’ll be for the best because this situation will show who’s actually ready to support him when times are tough.
As soon as MIL tells you how something is going to be, reply, “Oh HELL No!” And then tell her the way it is actually going to be. Your MIL, while choosing not to acknowledge your anxiety, is weaponizing it against you. She knows you won’t stand up for yourself because doing so makes you uncomfortable, but you’re a mom now, and you HAVE to start advocating for both yourself and your baby.
A party seven days after baby is born? She can absolutely throw a party. You can absolutely decline to attend.
Stay with your parents until you officially move out
It will get SO much worse when baby comes. My MIL taught my oldest to call her "momma" when she was just a little over a year old.
These are also the kind of MIL's who will legit kidnap a baby while Mom is napping or some crazy shit. Just keep an eye and ear out and try to keep you space locked and separate. Remember, she can't forbid you to do anything, you are a grown ass woman. I wish you luck. ❤️
Your husband is not doing enough to protect you. He must shut her — and aunty — now.
Tbf he has said that me and baby won’t be attending. But his mum hasn’t taken him seriously and still expects that we will be attending the party and that the baby will too. I suppose she will only realise that we are setting a boundary once the day comes and we don’t turn up. I think it’s a deeply unfair expectation from her that myself and my baby should have to entertain everyone 7 days after birth.
Is it cultural to live with your husband's family?
Personally I'd stop your husband saying anxiety is the reason you dont hang out with ML's guests. Makes it sound like he agrees you should be doing it. You have your own lives, and shouldn't have to make yourself available on demand.
Unfortunately, unless your husband backs you up and really sets boundaries and enforces them nothing will change.
Everyone seems to be prioritising MIL's feelings, while ignoring yours. Your husband needs to step up and protect his family, which is you, bub and him.
I agree that a 7 day old being passed around at a party is risky. Also, you'll be bleeding, possibly sore, probably hormonal, and baby will be sleeping or feeding. Will you be 'allowed' to breastfeed your baby at the party. 7 days post birth you and bub are still trying to work things out.
If it is cultural to do what MIL is doing, it will be hard to set boundaries without people thinking you and husband are the villians. But, your mental health, and happiness are more important.
Yes, cultural. But also, we didn’t have our own place when we got married as we were uni students and had just finished uni. In hindsight, I do wish I pushed my husband to get a place before we got married. Everyone in my family were gushing over how ‘lovely’ and ‘down to earth’ my in laws were so I went into this living situation pretty blindly expecting it to be happy families.
My husband did stand up for me. Maybe I didn’t explain it well enough, but he did stand up for me and told his mum she should be more considerate and thoughtful of me and explained that I don’t need to come down whenever she demands. Her response was again to use emotional blackmail and guilt trip tactics, but my husband doesn’t easily fall for things like that.
The party after 7 days is cultural/religious. Religiously you just need to shave the baby’s head, give charity and share out sacrificial meat to family/friends/needy. The party is absolutely not necessary or appropriate. I would have thought anyone with a brain would understand how unreasonable it is to expect that. The fact that both my MIL and my husband’s aunty discussed it and agreed it’s a good idea is just dumbfounding to me.
1st why are you living with your inlaws? Is it money or cultural? If not financial can you find your own place?
You need to set up boundaries now before the baby comes. Also no one wants to expose their 7 day old baby to all these people before the child is vaccinated. Is she crazy have this party???
Also curious to how old you are.
Cultural and also circumstantial. I’m only 23, married at 21 whilst at uni and moved straight into my in laws once we finished uni. We never really had an opportunity to get our own place unless we rent. Prior to moving in with in laws my own family gave me advice that I should stay with them and save for a house. I was doing this and I’m about 3/4 of the way to having enough for a deposit. But because everything has exploded as it has, I’m now looking for somewhere to rent with or without my husband and just staying with my parents in the meantime. I do have to go back for appointments and for the occasional work meeting, but that’s about it.
What is your husband doing in all of this? Did he move with you back to your parents? Is he planning to come when you find somewhere to live that isn’t either of your parents homes? Is he presenting a united front when you set boundaries by backing you up? Is he setting healthy boundaries himself?
He’s supporting me. Or at least, I feel supported by him. A couple people have told me he’s not standing up for me, but I feel he has. He hasn’t moved back to my parents with me, but he comes to visit often. He can’t leave his own area because his job is there, whereas I can work from home, his workplace doesn’t let him. For context, my parent’s house is about 3 hours away from my in laws. Whenever we have anything to tell his mum, he’s the only one to speak and he says it as if he was the one to have made that decision and set that boundary. I think this has worked for a lot of stuff, but his mum just keeps pushing.
The thing about being a pregnant DIL is that you have all the power. She isn’t being reasonable? She doesn’t get to be around the baby. YOU are the mom, and you get to choose what’s best for your family!
Not while living in her MIL's home. Hard to keep the homeowner who is paying the mortgage and letting you stay, telling them they can't be around your child.
I don’t want to keep my child away from her. If she has love to give my baby, that’s more love for my kid and I’m happy for that. She just needs to realise her actions have a negative impact on me and her son, it doesn’t matter how much her actions are rooted in love - the impact matters more.
True but she said she was looking for another place to live
This is YOUR baby, and YOUR decisions to make. You and your husband need to tell her no a lot more often. "Baby will be bottle fed so I can feed her too". You say, "No, that doesn't work for me" then leave when she starts her crap. Your husband needs to put her in her place, but you have to be ready to say no, and mean it too. Tell her there will be no party after the baby is born, you will bathe your own baby, and you will be picking out the clothes baby goes home in. Speaking of "home". You should stay at your parents house until after the baby is born. Until you and your husband can get a home/apartment/whatever of your own. This woman will bully you and do whatever she wants with your child if you go back there. If you don't want your child also falling down stairs and getting slung around, and also taken completely over, stay right where you are for the foreseeable future
Let's start with getting some clarity around not feeling suffocated. The suffocation is from accepting MIL's assertions that she gets to make the decisions about how you conduct your life, including about your baby.
These decisions are yours to make, not hers, and any time you let her override you on decision that are yours to make, you will feel suffocated. Your mother is not helping here: "keep her sweet" is terrible advice if the goal is you having decision-making power in your own life.
You will be criticized if your MIL does not get her own way - that's how she is. You can control your own feelings about being criticized by recognizing that it's MIL who is out of line. For me, getting to the point where I didn't care about MiL's criticism was focusing on being clear about what was my decision to make, and feeling confident about blocking MIL's attempts to control my actions or environment.
Advise your husband to change tack with his mother. This is not about your anxiety, it's about her undermining your role in the family unit that you two have created. You are the mother of your child, and that she is overstepping when she tries to overrule you on decisions that are yours to make (breastfeeding and who you draw on for support being just two of them).
TLDR: MIL does not outrank you in your own life. Your husband needs to push back on this, and you should disengage as much as possible from MIL.
If you give an inch she’ll take a mile. Stay at your parent’s home and do not return to MIL’s…ever. Make sure DH has your back. Find your inner mama bear or whatever you want to call it. Learn to say NO and don’t explain yourself. Walk away. Keep your LO safe. You need major boundaries ASAP.
Is there a reason why you and your husband don’t have your own home? Especially with a baby on the way? Once a couple is married, being able to live in their own home without extended family should be a nonnegotiable priority.
Finances. I have been saving for our own place and I’m almost there - debating whether to hold out or just rent somewhere. I have started to look at rentals though. Our pregnancy wasn’t really planned. MIL kept saying to us that she doesn’t want us to leave and she kept emotionally blackmailing and guilt tripping us.
You keep saying “I” and it should be “we” your husband should make sure that you have your own place to raise your baby without interference from HIS mother. You will absolutely be much happier in your own place.
The thing is my husband does have somewhere we can move into, but we are waiting for tenants to leave. It’s a very lengthy process and it’s been over 6 months since we started the eviction process and it won’t be ready until well after baby is born. My husband is supporting me in finding a place of my own, but he doesn’t have the spare cash to be able to help me with that right now.
You aren't going to win here.
You need to move out and say no to her demands. She has no say over your life and you have no obligation to please her.
Your husband needs to tell her to behave and you need to set boundaries. That's almost impossible while living there, though - you need to control her access to you and your child.
Do NOT go back there. You will be postpartum, your body and mind feeling all over the place and she will steamroll you hard. Stay at your mums, or with whomever you can, before you ever let her play second mother to your child. Be cruel. Stand up for yourself and your child.
You need to find someplace else to live or it won’t be your baby
Tbh, a MIL who doesn't want her grandbaby to be breasted is a bad grandma, stop.
I'm sorry for what is happening to you, OP. You seem from a culture where being the good girl and respecting elders is priority. But we all know the top priority here is you.
Changing things is on your husband, but please feel free to come here whenever you need support or to vent or even to curse, I promise we will all be here for you
When she says "I'll stay quiet" respond "good. Thank you"
😆excellent advice!
Keeping sweet is code for be a doormat to help others feel comfortable.
Your comfort is important and stress during pregnancy is bad for the baby she claims to love
You need to plant your feet, speak up and tell her that she is not the baby’s mother, there will be no party, you will find competent care for your child, you will end if that’s what you want and you will live anywhere you damn please after baby is born as long as it’s not with her.
Be rude because it takes rudeness to penetrate the craziness and controlling nature of people like MIL. This woman is a bulldozer and if you don’t keep her in line she will roll right over you and won’t stop to see if you’re ok.
Tell husband all of this and he needs to get his mother in check, or otherwise you and the baby will go NC with her right now.
Don't be rude; be assertive.
"I will decide whether or not I breastfeed my baby, not you. I am the mother, not you," is assertive.
"I will decide whether or not I breastfeed my baby, not you. I am the mother, not you, you fucking bitch" is rude.
Since she says you can’t go to your mother’s, if this were me, that’s exactly what I’d do.
She’s going to ruin your post partum time if you don’t.
I have already decided I will be going to my parent’s place 1 week after baby is born. My own parents were making so many issues over what was ‘respectful’ and ‘honourable’ first they said my husband couldn’t bring me home then they said they couldn’t bring me home themselves. Everything is so they don’t offend my MIL. I just decided with my husband I will be going to my parent’s house regardless and he’s the one taking me. I don’t care what she says. If she has an issue I’m just going to blame my husband and say he’s the one who is making me go. She seems to respond better to that than me saying I want to go back. Even now, she complains EVERY time my husband takes me back to visit with my family. If it’s not bad weather, it’s that she feels anxious about being home alone or that we go too often or we’re leaving too late. Always an issue.
You and your husband NEED to find somewhere else to live. Your MIL is clearly very damaging to your mental health. If your DH cares at all about you and your baby he will get going on this immediately. I wish you all the best.
I haven’t even finished your post as it is making me anxious for you. But get away from her!! That kind of anxiety she causes you is not good for the baby. Move in with your mom. Have your mom read this post so she can see what is happening! A party at 7 days old? In flu and covid season? She’s nuts!!
I can’t lie I’d tell her that’s my baby and she can F right off. I don’t mind being rude when it’s about protecting my child. And your hubby needs to get on board or you just stay at your moms. Honestly with that stuff is probably get a restraining order and tell the hospital staff she’s not allowed near you.
I’ve deliberately chosen a hospital a little further out so she can’t just turn up. I will absolutely be making it part of my birthing plan and having it written in my notes that only my own mum and husband can come into the room to see me. And tbh my husband has already told her she’s not welcome and she needs to wait at home for us to come home to see the baby. She doesn’t give a shit about me. I’m just an incubator for her grandchild.
Your husband needs to be the one to put a stop to her overbearing behavior.
She’s literally harassing you.
Yep. If its less stressful to live with your own family then husband can come see you. You dont have to live there with her if their are other options. Also, you can just mute her on your phone and block her on socials. Let SO be the only one to interact with her. Or only have a family grp chat with his mom, SO, and u to monitor what goes on, but u dont have to reply.
Make sure hospital staff knows EXACTLY who you want at the birth and recovery and who NOT to let in. Cause it seems she wants to be the one to do all the firsts. Like holding/kissing the baby before the parents can. Her first bath, first outfit, first picture, etc. would put foot down now and make sure she is NEVER alone with the baby. And if she does come around then would sleep wear the baby so she cant hold them. Good luck op.
You haven’t set any boundaries because you haven’t followed through with consequences! The boundaries thing only works with consequences
What consequences could I possibly give her while I live in her house? Whenever I do try to put consequences down - like not coming downstairs because she criticises everything I do - she somehow ropes my parents in so I get no support from anywhere.
i would suggest switching the explanations for why her behaviour needs to stop. it's not because you have anxiety - it's because how she is acting is never okay.
i come from a very conservative christian background with similar levels of control by MILs etc. it was not easy, but i am so glad i started being 'rude' and 'disrespectful' because it's the only reason i have my own autonomy now. don't worry about what she'll say to others. that will always matter less than you being able to raise your baby in peace and safety.
the next time she tells you she's going to forbid ANYTHING, politely raise your eyebrows and end the conversation. she needs to know that ordering you around will result in social rejection... and if you do it this way, she will have no 'proof'. it's not very moral to make up nonsense about your nice DIL who's never actually said something bad!
you may need to move on from doing this politely and i really hope you will make that choice. please commit to the decision that no one takes your baby out of your arms without a fight. get your husband on your side now and be prepared to disappear to your mom's house if you need to.
This is a HUGE red flag. It's possible your own mum may circumvent boundaries because she wants to feel important as a grandparent. You're right, no one cares how you're feeling and they don't respect you.
Make a safety plan with your therapist- and just tell your MIL, "I've tried with you. I can't win. Enough." And walk away.
I have a whole arsenal of things you could say, but since you have anxiety, I'm betting it's going to take you a little bit to work up to telling her to back off.
My mum’s perspective is definitely worrying for me. But my mum isn’t overbearing like my MIL. For example, my mum also suggested bottle-feeding once, her reasoning was that it is sensory overloading and I might find it difficult to keep up with it and also letting my husband do feeds would help me take a bit of a break. Her reasoning wasn’t selfish, it was purely for my benefit. I explained my own reasoning for breastfeeding and she said that it’s up to me but that’s just her advice and left it at that.
My mum says that my MIL’s understanding is limited and I need to see why she behaves in certain ways and ‘manage’ my MIL like we manage every other relationship. Like, she says that my MIL pisses with the door open in front of me because she feels comfortable with me and sees me as her own daughter. But that feels hugely violating and uncomfortable for me. My mum warns me that falling out with my MIL is not a good thing. I think her views come from concern for me and wanting me to have a support system. But I also think she really underestimates how much my MIL’s behaviour affects me. She thinks it’s just stuff I can put to aside and get over if I try hard enough.
Managing your MIL is very different than letting her do what she wants.
There's value in understanding her perspective, but that value only extends so far as to figuring out how to "manage" her. MIL needs to learn that this is NOT her child and that lesson should be prioritized over any "peace." Once she is able to accept that her relationship with baby is contingent on you, then you can discuss making concessions. But letting MIL do what she wants gets in the way of maintaining an appropriate relationship, where she understands her role requires deference to parents.
It definitely can be a challenge for emotionally immature parents to see their children as adults, and babies create an uncomfortable shift in dynamics. But it's important for your baby's well-being that this shift happens. Your mum needs to help support that, not urge you to do things to appease her.
FWIW: there's so much that I wish I would've understood as a new parent in terms of relationship dynamics. So if what I'm saying seems like too much, that's ok- hang in there and file it away for a later date.
Love, I’m saying this gently but firmly, if you do not want this to be the dynamic for rest of your life, YOU are going to have to be the one to change it. This works for her, being a bossy old cow and throwing tantrums to get her way. It works “ish” for your husband because it’s easier for him to ultimately guilt you into not making too big a deal of things, vs holding her super super accountable and setting firm boundaries. Because your quiet unhappiness is less unpleasant than her massive tantrums.
It’s going to be unpleasant. She is going to throw the tantrum. Your options are, simply put, to either resign yourself to dealing with it, or take the lead in changing it. First, you have to have a firm talk with your husband that the boundaries need to be firmer and clearer. And that he needs to be on your side, on his own new family’s side. You and LO are now his primary family. And he needs to be able to prioritize that over his mommy. This is YOUR child, not hers.
And then once he gets on board, he needs to have a firm talk with his mother about how things are going to be. She’s allowed to be excited and happy about becoming a grandparent. That does not mean she gets any say in what happens with the baby. She needs to respect the fact that you and him are the parents and she is simply a support role. She can say yes or no to whatever help you ask of her, but she doesn’t not get to dictate anything to do with how the baby is cared for. If she cannot respect the boundaries, then she cannot have access to the baby. And he needs to make it clear that this is coming from HIM.
It’s going to be tough. But your only other option is dealing with this for the literal rest of your life.
Why not go to your Mother’s straight from the hospital? Ask her to pick you and your husband up. Buy your baby’s coming-home outfit and show it to your mil. IT is NOT her choice. Breastfeed if you want. And tell your mil to kick rocks. If you live in the UK do not let her take over!
I can’t as it’s an almost 4 hour journey and I will be having a c-section. Even then, my own parents are just making so many problems over what is ‘honourable’ or ‘respectful’ and they don’t want to insult my in laws. Like I said, nobody is considering me in the equation.
But my husband has agreed a week later - once I am feeling a bit more recovered - he will take me back to my parents himself regardless of who gets upset.
After you go straight to your mother’s, stay there. Don’t come home until your partner has put their mother in their place. You and your baby are in danger, this MIL WILL take over your baby’s life and it hasn’t even started yet.
What happens in the UK if she lets MIL take over?
UK has different laws than countries in the middle east, for example. She will get help from the authorities and her family in the UK when she might be separated from them if they lived elsewhere. I definitely could have worded that more clearly!
Oh, I was thinking something else altogether!
ARSEY is my new favorite word! love it!
Anyway, per your post history, it looks like you are muslim (your family is pretty progressive) and live in the UK, and after marriage you moved in with your husband's parents.
I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on muslim marriage - you already know where to go for the muslim marriage experts. However, I do know you are living in a country in which it would be culturally abnormal to live with your MIL after marriage, deferring to her in all things, and she gets to abuse you no matter what because she has power over you and you have to "respect your elders."
However, she doesn't actually have any power over you whatsoever, unless you decide to give her that power. You have all the options of the UK available to you (where I assume you were raised?) if you choose to avail yourself of those options.
Good Luck!
Edit: switched sentence order paragraph 4
as a muslim in the UK this comment is the best! get your husband behind you to move out or move to your parents if you feel they would support you better.
the taboo of not wanting to live with in laws has slowly been broken in the muslim communities in the UK, and i hope you can move out safely too.
If you want your MIL to be the third parent, and the one who makes all the decisions, keep doing what you’re doing. If you don’t, you’re going to have to stand up for yourself and say no. Don’t breastfeed because she wants to feed the baby?? Outrageous! How selfish do you have to be to tell a new mother to not do what is patently best for the baby just so you can do what you want. Choosing baby’s coming home outfit like she’s the parent, and planning a big party without asking when the baby is one week old? If you allow her to make these decisions and take over, your motherhood will be a nightmare. Both you and your husband need to acquire backbones and get the hell out of her house!
Stay at your folks and learn to say no a lot.
Do not move in with her.
Stay strong with your boundaries and if she tries to fight them don’t engage. Sorry mil this is what we are doing. As her parents we will make the decisions for her and we have decided day care is the best option so she can engage with other kids her age - kinda thing. Than Walk away, stop responding. Let her stew by herself. Trying to include her hasn’t worked so stop including her in things. If she wants to waste her money on things you don’t need that’s up to her- doesn’t mean you have to keep it or use it. A big party seven days after birth? Cool you guys can have fun but baby and I will not be there!
You need to run away from this monstrous person and go live far from her. She is going to ruin your motherhood. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and you are just a barrier she needs to bulldoze to get what she wants. And unfortunately she wants what you have
Why are you living with her?
Please get a book on boundaries and look up Dr. Jerry Wise on YouTube. You have anxiety and you're likely afraid of upsetting other people. They're not upset with hurting you. The guilt-tripping will not work if you no longer hold yourself responsible for other people's feelings.
Dr. Wise has videos about enmeshment, self-differentiation, boundaries, and family systems feelings. YOU are in charge of your baby. You will need to learn to say no and not blink when your MIL barks.
Your mom is doing you a massive disservice. Did she usually invalidate you growing up?
Get comfortable with awkward confrontations and do not back down anymore.
Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). "I wont be doing that with my baby."
"I see things differently."
"I'll let you know when we want your help."
"I will not be doing that."
Don't engage. Make a statement and let her react. End the conversation by leaving, hanging up, or not responding.
Your DH needs to respect and back you up instead of worrying about his mom's feelings. She has no reason to assume entitlement to YOUR baby or make any decisions for you or YOUR baby. You need to set boundaries with him, too.
Not wanting to see other people's guests is not a weird thing. If you were not consulted about them coming, you shouldn't be expected. MIL sounds like she is treating you like a side show and an incubator instead of having any respect for you as an autonomous individual. Her criticism is invalid and you don't need to defend yourself. Let her be upset with you and think you're difficult. SHE isn't agreeable and easy to deal with either.
OP, do you live in a culture/faith tradition where the ILs have control and the say over the lives of the younger adult family?
First of all. Do NOT move back in with her after baby is born. She will make your life miserable if you do.
Secondly, quit involving her in anything at all.
Then you and your husband both need to sit her down and say ” no you will not be bathing the baby, no, you will not be picking his going home outfit, you can have a party, but we will not be attending, I will breast-feed if I want to, and I will not accept any input from you on that topic, you will not be keeping the baby overnight.
Then you need to tell her that this discussion is final and closed and there will be no negotiating or revisiting the topic
Best to put the consequences right in there with the instruction of the boundaries, if you don’t respect my wishes as parent you will not be seeing the baby.
This is the way. It will be tough but you need to be firm with your boundaries and don’t let her guilt trip you into doing what she wants. She seems like the type to always push against the rules but if you stay strong from day 1 it will get easier to deal with her as time goes on. She’ll want to make you out as a villain but you need to learn to be ok with that - your baby’s safety and your comfort levels as the mother are a million times more important than her feelings.
Tell your husband you will be remaining at your mother's home until the two of you have a place to live on your own and under no circumstances, will you return to MIL's house. Does he understand the effect that his mother is having on you? How much stress she's causing? HE is the one that needs to deal with her.