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Other posts from /u/JenniferB92:

• How to prevent MIL from coming over so often?, 2 months ago

• How to handle MIL wanting to join all my activities?, 3 months ago

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Husband cleans the house and gets it ready, sets the table and entertains his guests. You can potter in the kitchen, pop out occasionally to get a drink refill and make a few polite noises, then back to whatever out of sight. You can serve and clear the plates. Husband cleans everything up when they leave, while you go and have a nice bubble bath.

Look up a few local events/issues that are not controversial so you can drop them in as conversation without going into anything personal. Remember to ask after any of her interests. She feels special, you look as if you've made a big effort.

“I dont like repeat gifts. One is enough of anything….”

"we will be happy to treat you at (her favorite restaurant) on XYZ day for your birthday celebration"

"Sounds like your mom wants a nice dinner and visit here, DH. What do you think you'd like to cook for her?"

And then the day before, "MIL is coming tomorrow, right? Need me and the kids to get out of your hair for a while so you can get the house ready? We'll go to the movies/ice cream/to the park! Happy to help you get ready.... Byeeeee!"

And then the day of, "How nice that your son wanted to do all of this for your birthday," gesturing to the house in whatever state it's in, and the food that may or may not have been prepared.

Yes welcome to your life as Cinderella until you finally say no. Just because she wants to invite herself for dinner doesn't mean she's entitled to what she wants to do.

I've read your previous posts - she's incredibly overbearing!

Just like she doesn't get to decide that she's going to join all of your activities, and she doesn't get to make up ridiculous reasons to come to your house (to see placement of paintings?! seriously?), she doesn't get to decide she is coming over to your house for you to cook dinner for her.

Even if one of you already said yes to her request, DH can tell her, "Sorry, OP and I won't be able to host for your birthday."

DH does not have to give her a reason. If she asks why, DH can say, "It doesn't work for us." If she pushes, DH can give her choices he is comfortable with - what he is willing to do for her birthday. Such as, "Mom, OP's going to be busy but I'd like to take you to a movie, just he two of us."

Just because she says she wants this doesn't mean she's going to get it. She probably also wants you at her beck and call for the rest of her life, but she's not going to get that, right?

If DH was the one who told her yes and he is unwilling to tell her that the birthday dinner at your house isn't going to happen, you have a bit more of a problem. In that case, you can tell him, "OK, sounds good, I'm going to be out of town that weekend at Sally's beach house. Hope you and your mom have a great time."

If it was you who told her yes and DH doesn't want to extricate you, getting out of it will be more difficult, but that doesn't mean you can't learn from this experience for the future - now is the time to learn how to say no kindly and with confidence.

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To learn how to say no, read about medium chill on the outofthefog website and practice it. And learn how not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). It gets easier when you practice.

Scene 1, how not to do it: MIL says, "Oh OP, all I want for my birthday is to spend time with you an my son and have you cook me a meal."

You say, "Oh we have too many unfinished projects at the house to host."

MIL says, "But I want to see the projects, it will be great!"

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Or you say, "Can't do it; the kids will be busy that day."

MIL says, "We can do it the next day."

Both of the above are JADE-ing. Never JADE. Just say some version of "no thank you" in a neutral tone and never engage past repeating your no. If they push, end the conversation.

Scene 2, how to do it: MIL says, "Oh OP, all I want for my birthday is to spend time with you an my son and have you cook me a meal."

You say, "Oh isn't that nice. But that won't work for us. I'll have DH check in with you about another plan for your birthday. So how are your bunions? Tell me what the doctor said."

MIL says, "Why can't you make me a meal? It's all I want."

You say, "Like I said. I'll have DH get with you on another plan. Got to go." hang up.

edit: typo

The unfinished house projects are a good excuse not to do what she wants for her bday..it wild that her birthday “gift” is to inconvenience a young family!

Anyways if she insists thats what she wants I suggest her child cook and clean for her that day!!

If they are not willing then dinner away from your house is the other option!!

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Tell your husband he’s responsible for cooking the meal and preparing for her visit. Or he can tell her no.

She probably got the hint as we stopped inviting them over as much and now feels like she is almost guilting us or is letting us know that she realized we aren't inviting her over as much as we should?

You mean

"She probably got the hint as we stopped inviting them over as much and now feels like she is almost guilting us or is letting us know that she realized we aren't inviting her over as much as we COULD?"

You don't owe her time at your home if she makes you uncomfortable in your safe space.

Just have your husband say no, we would rather take you out to dinner in a restaurant. She gets a meal either way, and it’s not fair for his wife to have to cook and clean for husband’s mother.

Either that or husband does all the cleaning, shopping and cooking.

Put your husband in charge of everything. His mom, his job.

We don't always get everything we want for our birthdays. I'd vote for dinner out and meet at the restaurant.

"we aren't ready to receive. Let's meet up at X restaurant."

I would just tell her that you have realized your house is not guest-ready (as she is well aware since she is very vocal about the unfinished projects), so you will take her out for her birthday, or you will bring the meal over to her home. Problem solved! 😉

Either meet up for a restaurant meal with no return to your home or it's frozen fish sticks with tartar sauce, frozen french fries with ketchup, and a store bought salad mix. Dessert is a store bought cake with Happy # Birthday. All served on paper plates. She wouldn't demand that bday gift again.

Take her to a restaurant. She's angling for increased time in your home and more projects to nag you about.

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Yeah I would be handing that rope directly to my hubby. His mom, his problem. He cleans, he cooks, he hosts her. I’d be peacing out.

If she's not specific about what the meal should be, buy good take out somewhere the day of and reheat it later. At least for side dishes. If you feel like it, make a dessert. Layered desserts in glasses are not very time or effort intensive.

I just did this for my MIL’s bday. Made her a dinner and a cake and she came over for like 6.5 hours. My husband really appreciated it. And he helped clean up.

I feel bad but I was so annoyed with it, too.

Tell husband, yes, you’ll do this for her but you need help.

And if he never helps, that can always be your excuse to refuse MIL from coming over. “I planned her birthday and you didn’t help so now I’m done.”

That doesn't work for us. How about we meet at [insert restaurant here] for a meal to celebrate? Don't justify your suggestion. You stated your position.

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OP, does your SO not clean the house he lives in as well as you? Is he able to do the shopping and grill the meal or be the 'Master Chef in Residence' for her birthday dinner? 

In reading your previous posts, she seems desperately lonely, does she not have any friends? 

Best hopes OP.

"Actually, let's meet at (restaurant). That way we can all enjoy celebrating your special day, without the stress of cooking, and clean up."

Don't give in to her passive aggressive guilt trip. She'll still be getting to spend time with you and have a meal together...just not at the expense of YOUR time, and hard work.

This is a poor attempt at manipulative bs.  MIL is trying to manipulate and guilt you into letting her invade your space under the guise of a “birthday wish.”  Birthday wishes are not demands required to be fulfilled.  They are wishes, things one hopes for but is not entitled to receive, especially if they are ridiculous, over the top, undeserved, or too expensive. MIL’s “wish” is all of the above.  While cooking a meal and hosting someone may not cost a lot of money, a JN visit will cost you your MH and your peace.  

MIL can grow up and accept the fact that just because you ask for rainbow pony for your bday doesn’t mean you are going to get one.  Get her a gif card, pop it in the mail, and be done with her nonsense.  If you feel you must actually spend time with her for her bday, have her meet you at a restaurant where you cover the tab and spend 90 minutes in her presence.  

The transparency of her pathetic attempt is quite laughable.  Keep shutting her down and watch how creative she gets.  

Edited:  u/evadivabobeva has a much better gift idea!

Can you get a meal service or catering? The sooner it's done with less to clean up, the sooner she leaves.

Her son can cook or order take out for his mom's birthday. That is not your job nor is it your "gift" to her. Let her, him, and everyone else know that you will "gift" MIL what you want. It will have nothing to do with you cooking and cleaning for her. Unless this is what you want to do. Make reservations (dine in or take out) with hubby's card and plan accordingly.

She’s looking for loopholes to circumnavigate your boundaries about the influx of visits. I’d restrict what your in-laws can see on your social media so she isn’t able to crash your activities or insist she needs to come over to your house because she noticed you moved a throw pillow.

You and DH need to stop her information flow, and start grey rocking her. Stop letting her be a smother in law. Ask her what sort of food she’s wanting and then make a reservation at a nice restaurant instead. Otherwise she’s going to do this the rest of your life; manipulate holidays and special occasions because she wished for x activity at your house. It’ll only get worse if you have kids.

We've gotten "gifts" like this. Its not okay to invite yourself over or decide someone else can cook you a birthday meal. My MIL tries this alot, also because we dont invite them over - pretty much ever. My husband has no interest in cleaning or cooking, and they've worn out their welcome with me. I'm sure my MIL feels the gap and wants to be able to say she came over or that we did something for her. Plus she'd be happy to play with our kid in the other room while we do all the work to make a meal for her. Another way to maneuver us into solo playtime with our kid and force us out of the room. Funny because she doesn't offer this for anyone else's birthdays or in general.

Its been driving me crazy more and more lately. I'm sorry you're going through this. People with healthy boundaries don't invite themselves to someone's house.

Umm that’s exceptionally rude to invite yourself over to someone else’s house, and for a home cooked meal no less. You don’t have to entertain this unless you actually want to be part of this. 

Make sure your husband understands that you’re fine with meeting her at a restaurant, you will not be dedicating the time and effort involved into hosting in your house. It’s not an option.

And it is up to him to communicate this to her, not you.

He doesn’t have to say, “my wife doesn’t want to do all that.” He can just ask her which restaurant she wants to go to. If she pushes back and says she wants it to be at your house, he can say something like, “oh, no, we’d rather meet you at (restaurant) - it’s more special.”

Not inviting them over as 'much as you should'? She can have wants, but you are not required to service them.

I'd treat her to a restaurant meal and call it good. If you must host her... your husband is responsible for the pre visit deep clean and the post visit clean up. His family is his responsibility.

“Hey husband, your mother wants to be invited over for a meal. The cleaning supplies are in the closet and the fridge/stove/oven are in the kitchen. Let me know what time you’ll have dinner ready”

"Guess who has to clean the house and cook the meal" your husband surely, because no way would someone with self respect being doing those things for someone she has no relation to who deliberately disrespects her.

I hope this is coming across as tough love - you dont HAVE to do anything. You are enabling people to treat you how they do by not being firm in the things you will and will not do as a consequence to their actions.

Think about it this way - if your mother treated your husband like your mil treats you, would you make him clean and cook for her? Id bet the answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT. You should hold your husband to the same standard you would hold yourself to. I mean technically he should hold himself there and if i was you i would be concerned as to why he is not, but for now ill leave you with this - you have complete power over what you will and will not do. You do not HAVE to do anything. What you explained above reeks of a husband problem not a mil problem because no loving partner would expect you to cook and clean in this situation.

Your husband can cook, too. It’s HIS mother.

Sounds like a power play to get an invitation.  That's pretty rich, asking for a home cooked meal is one thing, asking for it at someone else's house is pretty gross. And I bet she'll make a huge deal about missing you, missing visiting,  and maybe will bring some pictures to hang. 

I doubt you're reading too much into this, because it's weird. 

If you cave to her coming over, don't cook. Order in. 

“ that doesn’t work for us, but we will be happy to meet you at X restaurant for lunch or dinner”

If she whines, just keep saying the above statement

If she agrees to a meal at the restaurant and then tries to come over before or afterward, just say no and tell your husband that he has to say no as well

One way I stopped this was by making my spouse host his parents. He cleans and gets the food or they don't come. And sure enough he doesn't want to do all that. Additionally I only meet my mil at public places now unless unavoidable. So like a birthday party we are hosting -shes invited but Anything else it's a restaurant or someone else's house. I can leave when I want and she doesn't act up because she's in front of people 

Deliberately misunderstand and tell her how thoughtful it is to provide a meal and ask what’s she’s bringing. Offer to buy something for dessert so she won’t have to make anything. 😈

I guess your husband needs to start learning to cook and clean to his mother's standards.   You're busy that day.  

Where is your husband in this? Why doesn’t he cook and clean?

Otherwise I’d suggest going out to dinner instead.

You've done well to get as far as you have, it's imperative that you hold the line and are not held hostage to her wants, she doesn't get to choose. 💪

A simple "I won't be taking on that much work, perhaps there's a small something we could gift wrap for you"

Perhaps meet somewhere for a meal that way you are left to cook and clean and they don't get to involve themselves in what needs to be done. The bit I like the most is that you get to leave when you have had enough rather than trying to get them to leave your house.