Hey hey 👋 so I've read so much on this feed and it brings me so much comfort I'm not alone.

Anyways my latest rage on my MIL saga. (I think the little things are sending me over the edge ATM, so apologies and bear with the ranting and rambling).

Context: I am fortunate to WFH but I occasionally go into my office for a change of scenery. My MIL suddenly took it upon herself to come over one day a week to "help" out picking up my child from school. My child really isn't bothered. In fact they roll their eyes when they know she is on pick up. I think she thinks she is helping. I don't know how I manage the other 4 days of the week 😂

So the school holidays are upon us and as many parents have, clubs, playdates etc have been fixed. My child is looking forward to the first day tomorrow. MIL last week said she'd come by if I "wanted to pop into the office for a bit" - like it's some sort of social for me. I said to her if she wanted to help I would drop my child off to her for 9am and pick them up once I'd finish work. Cue tonight I get the usual message of is it ok if she comes over. I explained what I had already said last week to her and also my child was looking forward to a chill day. MIL just brings stressful energy and my partner isn't close to her and finds her just as irritating. Apparently my message was not enough to deter her as she's still asking to pop over as she's apparently going away on Sunday. First I've heard of this. I just find it another excuse for control.

I feel like it's too little too late trying with our child. She let us down so much over the baby years and early years.

Anyone else feel this frustration? Or any advice for a response to the text I received

UPDATE: I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who commented and gave me some good blunt truths and very valuable information. I sent a really blunt "please don't come before 5, thanks" and got a thumbs up notification. She turned up past 5 with the FIL who faffed over something. And thankfully he is good at not wanting to stay so was dragging her away an hour or so later. Our interaction was limited, I didn't engage. Tbh I don't care if she is going on holiday and I hate her attempts at small talk with me. So the atmosphere was frosty. But I don't care, I have no doubt your comments gave me the boost and courage I needed to put my big girl pants on and follow through with advice I'd readily give to some one else.

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    parent

  • Let her cry, let her do her drama. IGNORE HER.

    parent

  • [removed]

    parent

    Exactly this! I've just had another message this morning asking if she can come over earlier to take my child out. Why you thinking of this now?! She knows what she is doing.

    parent root

  • Why don't you tell her no if no one likes spending time with her? 

    "Thanks for offering but we don't need any help. We will see you sometime after you return." 

    parent

    I wish it was that easy. She's quick to play the victim and cue the tears. I messaged with a you can come after I finish work (just to give myself less stress and a boundary) but now apparently my FIL is coming to sort something for my other half?! She's very good at wearing you down. She's oblivious to the stress she causes. I probably find it more stressful and infuriating as my parents are nothing like that

    parent root

    She’s not oblivious, she doesn’t care. She wants what she wants.

    parent root

    Copy & paste this to every message she sends after you initially say no.

    “that doesn’t work for us. We’ll try next time”

    Don’t deviate the wording, don’t JADE, just repeat the exact same thing. If she tries crying or making herself the victim say “we’ll talk later when you’re feeling better.” Then mute her texts & calls.

    She engages in this behavior because she’s learned by doing so, she gets her way. Your family has to teach her ‘not with us’ or she’ll default to what she thinks works. And every time you give in, she learns exactly how far she needs to go to get her way next time.

    parent root

    I agree, who cares if she gets upset? Boundaries are your limits and you are barely setting any. 

    You: "MIL we aren't avaliable/ that doesn't work for us." 

    MIL: "Why not? I really only have so much time!" 

    You: don't answer because you gave her an answer

    FIL: "Your wife upset MIL"

    DH: "We aren't avaliable for visits. If you both want to come August 5th we can grill some burgers. "

    Dont JADE. Stop Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining yourself to her. She is not entitled.

    parent root

    Wow thank you I never thought of this acronym. I have ignored the next message as she's still trying to push. I think as you say ignore. That was my answer. If she tries to turn up before the time I've said my door will be locked and child won't answer.

    parent root

    This is the way. Your MIL is not an authority in your life and you are not obligated to cater to her for her own emotional fulfillment. She needs to actually try to do what's helpful or get therapy or a hobby or some friends.

    parent root

    Who cares if she cries because she’s not getting her way? Her emotions are hers to manage

    parent root