So my MIL is not the worst out there at first glance but after all these years and my first child being almost here (33 weeks) I'm starting to be really pissed off and can see some big issues coming.
For context she's lived alone as long as I can remember and very independent and as an outsider I can see she likes to have the control big time. She's even joked in the past that she knows she can be difficult to handle!
It started when I was 18 weeks pregnant we went to hers for my SIL birthday and this was the first time to meet up. After dinner they wanted to go for a walk, I agreed as long as it was a short one as I'm pregnant. Cut to an hour later and her power walking far ahead she offers me to sit on a bench while they carry on walking. My husband notices I'm flagging and says mum we need to go back and ebd this walk now. She then starts pouting and says "but she's barely even pregnant" which shocked me. I told her well my baby is far enough along that I'm almost 20 weeks and he has a heartbeat....
Then on Whatsapp she wants weekly updates on how big he is, at first I oblige as she was sweet but then the comments started. Just one e.g is:
Week xx: your baby can now hear your voice and the partners
Her: oh that's good now you can talk to the baby instead of your cats
And another which my husband was really peed about was: when he's older you'll finally have a friend to play pinball with
After the walk fiasco we heard absolutely nothing from her, no request to come over, no excitement, no comments to anyone and when I was really unwell with low B12 and iron they didn't care whereas my parents cane over every week and helped build everything and help with house work as was so tired I couldn't breathe!
MIL finally realizes I'm "barely even pregnant" and suddenly wants to come over which she did this weekend, that was just freaky.
spent time mostly ignoring me talking to husband and when went for meal she sat opposite me facing husband ignoring me and walked really fast again even though she knows I get tired after 5 mins of walking with low B12
keeps asking me about if I'm BF when he's born and saying she didn't as it was too weird and she wasn't maternal.
cornered my husband when I wasn't there and starts whispering about me which she ALWAYS does (luckily husband on my side not hers he's do supportive) and telling him she's upset my parents are over lots feels side lined etc etc basically trying to gaslight it's our fault when it's her attitude and the fact that she's never wanted to come over.
took one look at our fully completed nursery with all his clothes ready and picking it apart and then making excuses as to she doesn't buy anything until the baby is born because you "never know" even if you've had scans. Then on another vein complain that she's not able to buy anything because we have it all already.
booked her birthday in for us all to go over when I'm 36 weeks and insisting I hold off having the baby until she's back from her 3rd holiday of the year lol... They offered to make it better they all come over to mine (yeah right so I can cook for 5 ppl for her birthday)
she also came in house and immediately looked at my bump not me and said WOOWw then after oh I thought you'd have a bigger bump...
So you see it's not blatant screaming or nastiness but constant put downs and comments or trying desperately to keep her matriarchy which she's had for many years. Both mil and sil don't seem to understand the youngest in the family now has his son coming his own family etc and treat him like a child still and belittle us and our hobbies and I am scared it will rub off on our child with their negativity.
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as YouWarm3469 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Honestly- the way parents and inlaws cannot see their adult children as adults is crazy to me! I have two boys that are 22 and 26. I do not go to their places without an invitation, however they are always welcome at mine. I do not pry into their lives and when I learn of a decision I wouldnt personally make- i keep my mouth shut. Its not hard when your goal isnt to control.
Ohh girl! Call them out in a calm unemotional way which I know is hard pregnant. You have every right to say I know you think its okay to talk to people like that if you keep doing it to me you won't be allowed in my house, I don't do passive-aggressive comments. And then kill her with kindness and let your husband shut her down every step of the way.
looks like a deeply sick person, i wouldn't trust her near children
I’m sorry but did she imply (not very subtly) you might lose your baby so buying things for them is stupid? Bc if mine did that I wouldn’t speak to her for….probably forever.
Yes she said maybe because I'm French. And said well just encase and well you've had scans but still....
She wanted to stay and nose in the nursery I could tell but I closed the door on her
I read the title as ‘1000 cats’ for a moment!
Ha ha we have 3 :)
Lol so did I, and was thinking it would go into more detail about the cats, when it was the part where she can now talk to someone besides her cats.
Firstly, go baby carrier shopping. Your best defense against most Justno behavior around infants is to physically strap your kid to your chest.
Next, from now on, you and DH either arrive late or purposely park in the street to avoid being boxed in. If anyone utters a breath against either of you, the visit is over. (This is called a boundary. They can talk all the shit they want, but you won’t stay to hear it). The warning that you’ll do it will be in the group chat before you even arrive, so no point warning them again. Also, no I don’t care if this means you miss dinner, wasted gas, or can’t talk to relatives you actually wanted to see. Invite the people you actually want to see over separately. They know how MIL is, they’ll understand. Eventually, they’ll either learn and start playing nice around you or you end up going VLC/NC and at least sparing your kid(s) from being affected by their negativity.
She will become a nightmare once the baby is here. You have to manage it correctly now. Discuss everything with your husband, be ahead of issues. When you want her to visit, what he should do if she’s critisizing you, what he should do if she’s not giving you the baby back etc etc. From what you say I understand that your husband has your back. Good. Let him manage his awful mother but also stand up for yourself when necessary. Once the baby is here, you will need to stand up for yourself AND FOR THE BABY many times. It’s better to get comfortable with that beforehand.
OP, What you wrote here gives me pause..." starts whispering about me which she ALWAYS does .... and telling him she's upset my parents are over lots feels side lined etc ..." It seems that she is trying to isolate you from your family of birth and triangulate herself into your SOs & your relationship. Why does she want to push your (supportive?) family away?
In the About tab is a booklist, I suggest you & SO read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents ASAP and the 2 of you talk to a professional counselor to figure out your tactics for your post partum life. Your Gynies office might be able to help, they have seen the gameplaying many times before.
Best wishes OP
What have you and your husband said to her about the way she talks and treats you? Do you put her in her place? She’s going to keep this up if you keep allowing it.
I don't know what to say, her kids just poo poo it off as "it's just her" and let her do it like a spoilt child. As I'm the outsider DIL I feel it's got to point I need to say something but don't know what or how
You husband needs to tell her if she utters one complaint, insult, invasive question to him or you, she is cut off. If my parents had done that to my husband they would have been cut off completely.
It’s up to your DH to deal with her or if he won’t, call her out. “Really? Did you mean to say that out loud?” Just confront it. Use your words and tell her “that’s inappropriate” or whatever. People will treat you in the manner you allow.
INFO: how is your husband going to protect your post partum bonding time so she doesn’t come and ruin it?
She sounds completely and utterly DELULU
My dad even jokes she sees me as "the vessel"
Wow I really dislike her for you. Try to limit how much she's around. Those little things add up and if it were me I'd end up snapping on her ass. Lol. Good luck and congrats on baby!