I've posted before about my JNMIL who made life postpartum really, really hard. She centered herself, made it all about her and her needs, had no respect for DH and me as parents, critical, manipulative, etc. Put incredible strain on our marriage by guilting my husband about how little access she gets to our son. She and my JNSIL have clearly been amping each other up. JNSIL had a pregnancy loss and JNMIL has basically told her to get over it. I think because they can't talk about the loss they've bonded over how "horrible" I am keeping my son at a distance.
After thousands of dollars in therapy my husband has come to believe JNMIL may be a narcissist or have narcissistic traits. I've moved to LC and restricted her on social media after she was basically harassing me, commenting on every single post of mine, constantly inserting herself in everything. She even took a photo of my mom with my son that I had posted and used it for her own Facebook post about how life is short, time isn't retroactive and she just wants to die with "harmony." I digress...
Basically since she sent me a non-apology apology and refused to respect my request for space and time, I've stopped answering her messages or acknowledging her beyond a quick hello on Facetimes when my husband calls her with our toddler about once a week. She's not happy about this. I don't send her photos of our son anymore and also haven't been posting many photos of my son's face to social media and she's made a couple of comments - passive aggressive on calls like "thank you for letting us see his face."
On a call this week when I was at work, she told my husband she wanted a couple of family heirlooms – some baby booties that were my husband's, and a baby carrier – back. This woman is 80 years old. Her other kids are done having babies. It's an act of pure spite. I don't care about these things, but it's wild to me that this is someone who has said she wants to repair our relationship and "apologized" and yet her behaviour is showing me absolutely nothing has changed. It's even crazier because earlier this week she was sending us a ridiculous amount of money for our anniversary.
We've already booked a trip to visit them (we don't live in the same province) in August. I've set some boundaries so we're staying on neutral territory at another relative's house and we're only staying for 2.5 days.
She makes me really uncomfortable like always trying to take my son away when she's around us, trying to go off with him, needing to be the centre of attention, needing to do activities with him. Like let's say it's Xmas for example: she needs to be unwrapping gifts with him in her lap. Her expectation is to be like a surrogate mother.
I'm anticipating best case scenario: a whole lot of tension. If my JNSIL shows up – which she might – I'm anticipating full blown conflict. It's nice that I have my husband's support more now, though admittedly I'm still worried that he'll fall into old patterns and I have a tendency to go deer in headlights. I guess my issue is the moments where my son isn't in danger, he's social, he probably won't have an issue going with her. But I don't want a break. I want to spend time with him. I know this is a visit with them, but it's also my vacation from work.
I guess I'm just looking for guidance around how to prep myself and what it might look like to articulate that I need space when she's being too intense. This has loomed over my life for the entire 18 months of my son being earth-side. I will never get that back. It's caused enormous stress and nearly ended my marriage. Is greyrocking our best route here? Help.
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I’ve read your previous posts. Thousands of dollars for husband‘s therapy and he is just coming out of the fog. I don’t think he was in a fog, I think he has had his buried in the sand due to past experiences.
Good for you for protecting your child. Husband yelling at you in front of your child is just awful. You have a long road ahead with husband. for MIL, it is now NC for you and your child. I know - husband will go off the wall. but, the development of your son with regard to social interactions is so important.
I wish you the best.
Find an airbnb nearby that you can kick her out to if she’s a bitch
OP, decide what is the limit you will tolerate from MIL on this visit. If she oversteps then remove yourself and your son from her presence and or SIL.
If she starts having petty jabs then calmly say MIL, I had hoped that we could have a harmonious visits but if you feel that isn't going to work, please let me know and I will take my son and go and we'll see you tomorrow. In other words let her know that if she wants to start being petty, you are not going to tolerate her disrespect and your part of the visit will be over. Your son goes with you as this is also your vacation!
The single greatest thing I've learned to be better about being assertive and setting boundaries is starting with EASY people. I used to have a fawn response to conflict and learned that setting boundaries with the final boss level villain is way harder when you don't practice your skill in the lower levels of life. Set boundaries with intention with your husband, with your mom, with your siblings, with your friends. Practice and build this skill. Then, when you are around MIL, you'll be able up stay calm and assert your needs.
"MIL, LO needs to stay where we all are." Assert. Don't JADE–Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. You say what you say and if she wants to try and challenge you, quietly go take your child from her and bring him back.
You can't live your life in anticipation to her reactions. If she flies off the handle, LEAVE. Let your husband know he can prevent her from crossing the boundaries or you will, but if she starts attacking and disrespecting you over it, you're taking your LO and leaving with or without him.
Good luck! It's hard but realistically the worst thing that can happen is hopefully just MIL and SIL getting mad and continuing to be their awful selves.
She’s 80 years old what can she do? Should she really be trusted holding your son? There’s no way this woman can move fast enough to do things before you can stop her. Nip it as soon as she tries and if she keeps trying then she looses the ability to hold your son
She’s actually very spry, in very good shape. But yeah you’re right that he’s too heavy for her to carry much these days.
It doesn’t matter the first time she’s introduced to LO- both you and hubby notify her that LO needs to stay in the same room as you.
That’s your condition, if she doesn’t follow then take LO away. OR pack up and end the visit!! Take a 45 minute walk, BO for one hour with the door locked, whatever makes you feel best and enforces consequences with JUSTNOOMIL!
If there‘s no consequences, there’s no reason for MIL to obey!
Well, the first thing you're going to need to do is figure out your boundaries. What actions that you know she will take that are absolute no-goes for you. Figure out what behaviors you are willing to overlook once or twice vs ones that you can only tolerate once. You cannot control her or what she does, but what you can do is control you, what you allow, and how you react when your boundaries are stomped.
You'll also need to speak with your spouse so that you both can be on the same page when it comes to boundaries and the consequences for crossing those boundaries. when it comes to boundaries and the consequences for crossing those boundaries. Maybe you can have some rules that are private between you and your spouse about if he needs to stay near you or go with the baby so that he can ensure that boundaries are not crossed. He is supposed to be your protector in this circumstance. It is his family, so he needs to run point. You are not a meat shield. Your child is not an emotional support animal. I hope this helps start the conversation for you!
Grey rock as much as possible. Keep your responses to 1 word answers. Avoid speaking to SIL. If MIL tries to leave the room with toddler---follow her and get them back and let her know that will not be happening. If your husband starts to waiver--you need to step up and make your boundaries clear --if she starts to bully you---just stare at her like you have no idea what she is saying and walk away with the baby or tell your husband you are leaving. The best defense is a good offence