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Other posts from /u/JenniferB92:

• How to handle MIL wanting to join all my activities?, 3 weeks ago

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She is lonely. She needs to find an outlet other than you and your husband. Is there a seniors’ center in your city? I think the Y has classes for seniors. She could do tai chi or aquatic classes and meet people her own age.

Maybe you and your husband could do some research and sign her up and pay for something you think she would like and present it as a gift.

There are also many clubs and classes for hobbies available. I tried a pottery class and fell in love with it. From there, I bought a Cricut cutting machine to make stencils for my pottery and then a heat press to make iron ons for tote bags and t-shirts. I suddenly have more hobbies than I have time for, which is your goal for her.

You are going to have to sit down with your husband and come up with some consequences to her overstepping, then explain to her what they are and what will trigger consequences.

You need to stop coming up with excuses to come to our house.

We will invite you when we are ready.

If you call or come by saying you just needed to see this or that or whatever you make up, we will go no contact with you for a month. If you protest after we warned you, two months. If you still try to contact us before that two months is up, time resets and you get another two months. So, can you understand how important it is for you to respect this boundary?

Sorry if someone has already suggested this. She sounds like someone who has never developed her own interests and just gloms on to what other people do. I don't know how you can encourage her to think of things with her own brain based on her own likes, but that's what she needs to do. Maybe you could get her a Great Courses subscription and at least she'd be learning new things.

In addition to everything else people have written:

For me, it helps being able to put into concrete terms what somebody's doing, to turn things from "This feels wrong" to "This is why this is wrong."

She's counting on you and your husband to be 'nice' and respond politely, even when she isn't, and is (ab)using the social contract to worm her way in.

When was the last time anybody else invited themselves over to your house? (Or tried to, at least?) Usually, it's only ever done for things that are big, rare occurrences - a new house, a new pet, something notable that you would want to show off. And an implied part of telling somebody (that you're close to) that big news, is an offer to come over and see it. After all, you're excited for it, and they're excited for you, and they want to share in that excitement.

But what MIL is doing is abusing that privilege, of inviting herself over, and is expecting you to take the less rude/awkward option (of accepting an unwanted visit) than to turn down a 'reasonable' (to her) request.

So the first thing is accept that it's okay to be 'rude' to her. Not, like, calling her names or anything (well...), but in saying "No" to her requests for visits - and in turning her away, when she shows up uninvited. After all, I'd bet good money that once she learns that inviting herself over isn't going to work, she's going count on you being too nice to turn away uninvited guests.

The second thing is to document what she's doing - not in a malicious way, but to show your husband just how much she's doing it.

Right now, you think she's doing it too much. Your husband feels bad saying no to her - ie, he also thinks it's too much, but it's a bigger problem to be mean to his mom. The way you settle that is by documenting every time she invites herself over, every time you accept her self-invitation, and (eventually) every time she shows up out of the blue. That way, you can tell your husband, "Every time you've talked to your mom in the last month, she tried to get an invitation to come over." Give solid facts to back up your feelings. It'll strengthen your position, and give husband the picture in black and white of what's happening.

Finally, the first time she shows up uninvited, and she will show up uninvited, it is IMPERATIVE that you do not reward that with a visit. It's a lot harder to stop that behavior once it starts, than it is to never let it start in the first place. Have a discussion with your husband about what to do if she shows up unexpectedly - he may think it's not necessary, but you'll appear psychic the first time it happens.

Good luck.

My grandmother was like this with my dad, and any partner he had. She has been removed twice by her elbow by my mother and my step mother, fourteen years apart. Both times she also had her key removed from her possession. Cos my dad mostly lived as a bachelor during that time, she would go in to clean his house and do his laundry. My step mother put a stop to it entirely, and I don’t think my grandmother ever forgave her.

Anyway, she is a chronic overstepper and wanted to know every single detail of everyone’s life. If she was still mobile, she likely would be still doing it to me. She didn’t bond with any of my dad’s partners, because she wouldn’t back the fuck off. It pushed people away, it wasn’t polite or pleasant. The people that do this don’t actually care about you, they just want to be involved with any and all activities. They don’t actually understand why people don’t like them, because they don’t take into account other people’s feelings. Their feelings are the number one priority, and they believe that everyone should have that priority as well.

Your MIL wants to be your priority, even over yourselves. She wants you to bend over backwards to make her happy, even though it likely doesn’t make you happy at all. Yes it’s sad that you don’t get to share everything with her, but she’s not a normal person who would just be happy for you, she’s a person who thinks that you talking to her is an invitation. If you want any peace, you keep your mouth shut. Both of you. Because otherwise you’re just going to end up as a trio for the rest of your life. Do you seriously want that? Do you want her to be your third parent when you have kids?

She isn’t going to back down even if you hint. Normal folks can take a hint, they can take a polite no. But these people? They hop skip and jump over it, because to them, what you want doesn’t matter. She wants to be entertained by you, seemingly you personally, and it doesn’t matter if you don’t want that. She believes you should do it anyway. So I hate to say it, but it’s up to you to control this situation. You have to stop telling her every single detail or plan, you have to say “no it’s not a good time right now”, you have to say “no we want to be just us”, or “you’ve already seen xyz” or “please call before you turn up, we weren’t ready for visitors.” If she pushes back that she isn’t a visitor, she needs to know she in fact is one, and needs to ask permission to just rock up to your door. If you aren’t ready to see her, and she turns up anyway, don’t answer the door.

She’s going to take any sign of you not wanting to confront her as permission to walk over you and your life. If you want her to stop, you have to tell her so.

At least DH isn't telling you to hang out with her! (Yes my DH - formally a DUH said this after I had a baby and was feeling a little lonely). Someone has too much free time!

Since you're finding your own activities, take note of ones for seniors (I'm making assumptions about your ages here) or ones you have no interest in or any and all volunteering opportunities and forward them to her. Be it brochures, emails, or signing her up for texts. Obviously be very vague or don't even mention what you're doing!

Say No.

Honestly she sounds really lonely. Could you maybe intergrate her into clubs for people of a similar age etc to her and then softly leave her?

The advice of limiting her info and just saying "no" is basically all you can do. I think the biggest problem (as other's have said) is your husband. Here's the thing...she's not YOUR mother. She's your husband's mother. He may be fine spending unlimited time with her, but he's not married to her. He's married to you - a person with her own family and history, personality, boundaries, etc. Just because he has no issue including her in all aspects of his life doesn't mean there's something wrong with you because you don't feel the same way. Relationships are built over time and not wanting this much closeness/intimacy with her is actually pretty normal. You're not friends or contemporaries. The only thing you really have in common is your husband. She's assuming your consent and pushing your boundaries which would make anyone want to build higher walls to keep her away. A few questions...When she comes over, does your husband expect you to spend time with her, or does he handle the visit? How much time do you get with your family? How much time does your husband spend with your family?

Is husband home when she’s calling to ask to come over? If not he just needs to say “I’m not home, and OP is busy today, please don’t go by the house.”

This honestly sounds like she’s just super bored and lonely, which is annoying, but not as bad as if she was maliciously stalking you. She needs to find some hobbies and friends that aren’t you, so she has less free time to focus on worming into your life as much as possible.

Maybe offer to help her find her own church or events/activities that interest her.

This is easy. Don't open the door. Don't answer the phone. Go on vacation without her.

Learn the word "no"?

I feel like you’re describing my JNMIL. She used to use these same excuses, and I expected a healthy, respectful relationship like I have with my own mother, so I talked to her about the same things. Big mistake. Info diet helped some, but it seemed once the door was cracked open, she took full advantage. Even if I told her it wasn’t a good time, she’d still show up. My husband has told her to call first, and I have done the same (not nearly as kindly). She still doesn’t. So now unfortunately, we just stay away from our home. She goes to bed early, so kids and I go do something from the time she’s off work until her bedtime. I don’t know what else to do since she ignores being told no. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught her on our cameras knocking on the door, peeking in windows, and wandering around outside our house. Doors always stay locked and she is not allowed a key.

Stop telling her everything! Do not tell her where and when you plan to go away

When she does this--leave the house and let your husband deal with her. By you being there you are giving her exactly what she wants. Tell your husband every time this happens you will go find something to do / also you need to tell your husband that his loyalty needs to be to you and not her and he needs to stop blabbing to her about everything

Shut thine lips.

You haven't mentioned directly communicating with her. Are you hinting, or being clear? If you're hinting and she's not picking up on it, that's not working and you need to be direct. If you are hoping there's some way to communicate what you want without words, it can be very hard to get the desired results that way.

I had the same problem pre baby. Part of the problem was my husband was too excited to share our lives with his parents. Even if we were meeting them out for dinner they would insist on showing up at our home before or after under the guise of seeing the new rug or chairs or whatever. They would also go to random furniture stores I had no interest in and send pictures of (ugly) sofas and paintings they thought we should get. I didn’t think it could get worse than them going through the buffet in my dining room one time when they went through all of the drawers in the nursery when I was pregnant. I was very offended by that. Why do they need to look at everything? 

Obviously other things happened as well but I explained to my husband that we make our own choices for our own home and we do not have to justify them to his parents. If they were invited over and saw something new that’s ok but they don’t need to keep a running tally every few weeks. 

So it does sound like your MIL is more so lonely and is trying to include herself in your lives. But you deserve your own time too. So I would recommend setting some boundaries now that you’re not always available when she calls or wants to show up. And you can even be explicit and tell her that - that you’ll have more to share with her if she does give you the space you need in between. 

He needs to stiffen that spine and give her boundaries.

Stop giving her so much information about your lives and home. If she asks what is new or what you are doing, a vague “nothing much” or “taking a break from anything new” and then asking her about her new activities. Maybe ask her about how she is filling her time at home. Learn to be vague and change the topic to a TV show, a news item, politics, anything.

Another way to go at this is to ignore the phone call. When she shows up at the door have hubby answer the door only in his boxers. He can tell her you two are busy right now, how about another time. If she is wanting grandchildren, she will leave willingly.

I went through this with my JustNoMom last year, and she kind of spiraled but it was necessary to be straight with her. 

After too many impulse visits when I needed a break, I sent a group text saying something like "While I'm happy to visit, I am very busy and I need visits to be planned in advance.  Please make sure to get my permission before showing up, my house wasn't prepared for company and I would've liked to have time to straighten up on <date that was a final straw.>" 

My dad made a huge deal about how "the kids were happy to see them" and my mom tearfully kept going on and on about "please let us visit once a month" for the next 3 visits. (Which were more than once a month.) I do offer some kind of visit monthly to maintain the relationship and keep her off my back, typically not in my home though.  Things still aren't great, but there's kind of a tense peace and an understanding that I expect respect. 

You shouldn't have to justify not wanting to entertain visitors at a moment's notice. Not everyone can keep their house in immaculate shape at all times. Just keep pushing back and if she is hurt, let her know you understand but you need the relationship to be more predictable.  Let her have her feelings and repeat the same lines over and over, which should include "I understand you had expectations but it was unfair to assume I'd fill them." 

All you do is say "no". There is no trick, it's not a game, no is a complete sentence and is never insulting or anything besides just an answer. If she manipulates you put her on a timeout, what does your husband say when you talk to him about it?

You say no.

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Just stop telling her about your new projects. Info diet

Info diet.

No is a complete sentence

Your husband needs to talk to her. This will only get worse when you have kids. If she asks you, just say “sorry, I’m busy”

‘No, you can’t come over. It’s not a good time.’ Rinse and repeat

Put her on an information diet. Only talk about the weather and the senior activities in her area that she should attend.

This scenario is exactly what an information diet is intended for. You keep your particulars to yourself and she can't use that information to bounce off of. She can't invite herself to the house to see the dining table if she doesn't know you got it. She can't be at the store when you bought it if she doesn't know you intend to go shopping. She can't know you are going to knitting club unless you tell her.

She is extremely involved in your lives and it doesn't seem like you as a couple have the tools or knowledge to reduce that involvement.

Stop telling her about everything. She doesn’t need to know about travel plans or projects you’re doing.

She needs her own life. Just imagine if you have a baby? You think it's bad now?!

You and your husband need to say no when she asks.

Your husband is failing you. He has to tell her she has to wait for an invitation. If he doesn’t tell him you will tell her that while you love and appreciate her this is all too much togetherness. She is being invasive, and it needs to come to a full stop.

Tell her NO...when she wants to come over, tell her NO. NO NO NO NO. You need to stop answering the door and DH needs to tell her NO...lock your doors. If she has a key get it back or change the locks

About the “wanting to see…”, send her a picture. She’s now seen it.

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"No." Repeat as needed.

Lock the damn door and stop being so available.

Seriously, you don’t owe her a tour every time you move a chair. If she calls, your husband can say “today doesn’t work” and leave it at that. No excuses, no overexplaining. Keep her bored. Let her sit with her own loneliness. That’s not your job to fix.

If ya'll do want to spend some time with her, but on your terms, I would suggest making the plans first. Like offer take her out to breakfast on a Saturday or something, and then when she asks if she can stop by you have an excuse to turn her down. "Sorry, we're busy right now but we're excited to see you on Saturday!" "You can just give that to us on Saturday when we see you!"

I'm sure it will make her feel good while also giving you an easy out. We do this with holidays with family. Get those on the calendar and then when they ask randomly to meet up we're like "Oh bummer we can't make it but we'll see you at XYZ..." Bonus if you plan something for right after to give yourself an easy out for a time limit.

It's extra planning but it might help your sanity and also keep her at bay. BUT at the very least, your husband still needs to learn to say no, and you guys need to info diet for sure.

Stop giving her so much information. DH needs to be aware of this. And when she says she's stopping by say no, this isn't a good time and do not explain why. Really your husband needs to manage this.

Info diet. You stop telling her things because every thing she knows she will try to insert herself into. Especially don’t tell her about plans in advance, like your trip.

Your husband needs to not answer the phone or call her back right away so he’s not talking to her on her every whim, and tell her no. “Now isn’t a good time.”

You keep your doors locked and don’t open them when she shows up uninvited.

Telling her to visit when husband is around is a start. Showing up invited you don't answer the door send a message your busy and tell her to ask next time she wants to visit.

Anything she wants to give him/ Wants to see house projects are given/seen on already planned visits. See what happens when she shows up with nothing.

If your husband is there he needs to tell her no that you’re not having anyone over right now. If she’s asking you then you need to tell her. Then your husband needs to have another talk with her about her frequency of inviting herself over and that you guys are not her entertainment. From now on she needs to wait to be asked, or she needs to ask not say that she is coming. You’re going to have to be okay with her guilt tripping about it. Boundaries need to be set and enforced. She’s doing it because you’re not telling her no and keep allowing her to come.

Your husband needs to start telling his mom no and saying that her opinion on your home wasn't requested.

He should also say that this is a vacation for the 2 of you and she isn't invited. Information diet needs to be put into place as well.

I would absolutely hate this. Why does she feel the need to give her opinion on everything you do? What if she had a negative opinion, would she then share that as well? I hate when my mother-in-law compliments me because of the way she gushes over things, when I know she absolutely hates me. But if the compliments are genuine, its a bit different. But that doesn't make it less annoying.

Naturally, she needs to be on an info diet, but hubby needs to be telling her to calm the f down as well. I get it, shes lonely, she might be grasping at any little thing she has to make a connection with you two, but she needs to find a different way. Im not getting the sense she needs to control everything so much as she wants to feel included in a way that is unnatural for a parent to be involved in a adult child's life.

I dont have any advice other than maybe trying to actually give her one small coffee date/appt time a week or on a regular basis, so when she wants to stop over you can say, no, its not a good time, you can see it Thursday when you come for coffee, but personally Im not sure even that could hold her back.

A simple “sorry but that doesn’t work for us right now. Well tell you a better time to drop by”. Rinse and repeat.

You do nothing. Your husband handles this.