My MIL is a really nice person but I've always struggled to get close to her. I'm not sure why but I never felt comfortable opening up to her about even the simple things. A few years ago we moved to the same city as them which was fine and we met once in a while to hangout. But I know she wants to connect with me and she's told me she always wanted a daughter. In the past few months, she's somehow joined my gym and now she's joined my monthly activities at the library which I joined in the hopes to make friends. And now she texts me that she's so excited and can't wait and I feel like I'm obligated to sit and talk to her when I want to be able to move around to different seats each month to meet new people. This has given me anxiety almost everyday because I don't know if I should just drop it completely or somehow tell her I don't want to sit next to her and hurt her feelings. How would I navigate this situation? I know she wants to get closer but I don't feel a big connection and every conversation just doesn't come as naturally as it would with other people and now with this I feel like I don't even want to make small talk anymore. I'm not sure if I'm being mean or if it's ok to just want some independence and not the same type of relationship.
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How did she spend her time before you moved there? If she’s trying to make you her sole interpersonal outlet, you’re going to have to say something.
She just retired a few years ago and doesn't like to drive more than 10 miles from her house so I think she spent most of her time doing nothing. But I'm not sure how she lived in this city her whole life never tried these activities and now it's suddenly so interesting that she needs to do them because I'm also part of it?
Not being a therapist, but this sounds like classic “overstepping” with a sprinkle of “I want a daughter so bad it’s suffocating.” You’re allowed to want your own space and friendships that don’t come with attached guilt trips. Just be honest, gently but firmly, about needing room to breathe and make other friends. It’s not mean, it’s self-preservation.
This account im replying to is a chatGPT bot
You’re writing this on so many different comments and posts. Why / how are you identifying them as AI? Genuinely curious.
look at all the posts they are commenting on. You will find most of the other accounts are activated at the same time as they were (11 day old accounts which spread similar nonsense)
Pretty much every account only started posting in the last 20 days and they are all commenting on each other's posts.
Sounds like your MIL's enthusiasm is suffocating your social life. You're not being mean, you just want space. Maybe set boundaries or politely decline some activities. You don't owe her your entire social calendar.
Thank you! I think I'll have to start doing that because it's starting to feel too much
Thats tough. It sounds like you’re going to have to keep your plans to yourself if you dont want her joining. She sounds like she is trying to bond with you but ya, when it doesnt allow you to establish your own relationships with other people then its suffocating. My advice is find a thing that you can do without her finding out.
Yeah stop telling her your plans.
Thank you! That's why I feel bad because I know she wants to only bond more and get outside of the house but then it starts to feel like I have no escape either if she's in everything I do. I've started looking for other activities and I'll keep them to myself.
First of all, you can’t predict whether you’re gonna hurt her feelings or not. Even if you do hurt her feelings that is her job as an adult to manage that I think it’s only fair to tell her that her joining in all of your hobbies and activities is overwhelming. Let her know that you joined these activities to meet new people and that going with someone that you already know is gonna change that dynamic. Maybe you can do one activity with her that you both like, but the rest are off-limits.
And if you really can’t bring yourself to say anything join a different gym and go at a different time. You may have to find different groups to join, or stop going to the group for a time and then rejoin.
Finally, and most importantly, stop telling mother-in-law about your social activities, and your fiancé needs to do the same .
Thank you for the advice and validating how I feel about it being overwhelming! I like the idea of finding something new that we would both like and then I can tell her this activity I want to focus on meeting new people instead of just talking to her. I know in my mind the easiest thing would be to avoid conflict and just stop going to the activities but it took me a while to find things I enjoy and it would be sad to stop them. I definitely need to keep new activities for myself.
You would be MAD to stop them!
Mil needs to find her own activities and make friends with people HER age!
Put going to the monthly activities on hold and leave her to turn up and find you aren't there. If MIL asks why you aren't there then phrase it as you go so you can meet new people however if you are going to the same things as MIL you two will be talking and you won't be able to sit with other people and get to know them.
Change your routine at the gym and if she asks just say you enjoy going on your own and it is a great way for you to have mental time out and you aren't there to socialise. You also need to put MIL on an info diet and make sure your DH isn't volunteering information on what you do.
Advise that you want to meet friends and socialise with people your own age.
Thank you!! That seems like the best thing to do if I can't talk to her. She would hopefully get the hint if I don't end up going but I'm a little worried she'll just keep going and then I had to stop doing something I enjoyed because of her. For the gym, I think I might just end up going later in the evening when I know she doesn't enjoy going. I've been managing to keep things to myself but DH was bringing it up as a conversation topic and then said why I don't want to spend time with his mom when I said I don't want to go with her :/ I don't know how to express that I do like spending time with her but somethings I just need for myself. I've spoken to him about it and we agreed to not bring up any future activities to them especially the ones I know she'll join.
Draw your boundaries with a Sharpie marker, not an Etch-A-Sketch
Thank you I love this!! I wish I was able to stand up for myself more to follow it :(
You can! No is a complete sentence. You have a right to have your own friends and your own space. Your feeling like you’re obligated is a choice you’re making. You can stop that if you want. Please consider therapy. Here’s what I would say if I were you:
“MIL, I love you and having a relationship with you. You’re my mother in law and I cherish that relationship. But respectfully I don’t see us as friends. We are family. And I feel that you’re joining in on the activities that I do at the library and gym is smothering me. I need to have things in my life separate from you. Now I can’t ask you to stop going to public places, I don’t have that right. But it is not going to make me want to be any closer to you. It’s only succeeding in making me want to cut myself off from you. I can’t do anything about how this will make you feel. Your feelings are your responsibility. But I have to protect my mental health and this situation is effecting my mental health by creating excessive anxiety and resentment. If you continue to insist on forcing this, I will reduce my contact further, going low contact. The choice is yours.”
Let me say it again for you: HER FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! If you’re going to continue to allow her to do this, you’re not a victim, you’re a volunteer. I personally wouldn’t let such an emotional vampire continue to suck the life out of me. No matter how well intentioned they were. She HAS to find her own life. There is an organization called The Red Hat Society, she could volunteer at a convalescent hospital, a church, an animal shelter. There are an unlimited number of things she can do to make friends other than monopolize your life. SHE HAS A CHOICE.
I come from 12 Step recovery. There is a 12 step program for codependency called Codependents Anonymous. The first step is: “I admit that I am a codependent and my life has become unmanageable.” I certainly can’t diagnose you. Only you can. But from what you wrote your life seems pretty unmanageable. And your resentment will kill you.
If you haven’t already heard of it too, there’s a WONDERFUL book I was introduced to in treatment called: Codependent No More. It’s written by Melanie Beattie. It’s been around forever. It’s the BIBLE in learning about codependency and how to change if you want to. It helped me a lot.
I wish you good luck!🍀
Thank you for your message it was very helpful!! And I've been looking into therapy I really should start. I really liked the way you phrased that thank you! I know I really need to understand that her feelings are not my responsibility and I can't keep putting my experience down just so I don't hurt her because then I'm only hurting myself. I wish I could say this to my husband too. He gets it but I think he also doesn't get why I don't want to do everything with this mom because when I say look I found this fun event he'll sometimes reply why don't you invite my mom. But I did text her a little bit like how you phrased it and she said ok but she'll still be coming to the activities because she wants to get outside the house. So I guess I'll just go in say hi and then go sit somewhere else and won't tell her about future ones.
Thank you for your advice and the book I'll look into it! The resentment and anxiety was starting to affect my days leading up to meeting her and it was getting too much.
Wishing you good luck too!!
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Thank you for this!! I feel like no one understands why this is suffocating. I would also think if I said I've joined this group to make friends she'd understand the need for that instead of joining too.
She WON'T understand...
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Thank you!! I like the way you phrased this I'll try it out! Do you think it would be ok to text it to her or is it better in person? The group meets tomorrow night and I don't know if I should just say it while I'm there and then go sit somewhere else or tell her before.
First of all- don't share all the stuff you're doing anymore.
Second- when she texts how she can't wait, respond back with "hi MIL! I'm excited too, but I wanted to give you a heads up that I joined this group to help make connections in the community. I'll definitely chat for a few minutes, but please know that I also plan to move around and socialize individually. I appreciate you understanding! See you soon!"
If her feelings are hurt, that's okay because she's an adult. If she says she wants to be closer, tell her you love the relationship you have, and that you aren't intending to hurt her, but you also don't believe that having only one friendship is healthy. Most daughters want to be their own person apart from their mothers, so you would be behaving as the daughter she always wanted!
Thank you!!
I know I've decided to no longer tell her what I'm doing. If she says if I'm up to anything new or fun I'll just say no.
Thank you for that text message! I'll try to send that out to her if she ends up texting me this. And thank you for the way you explained it! I hope she understands the need for me to be able to branch out to try to meet new people.
Just tell your MIL that at the library group that you want to mingle and meet new people. So let’s do this, I will sit with you for the first 15 minutes and then I’m going to go join a new table so I can meet and network with new people. Then how about we reconnect the last 15 minutes to get caught up on who we met etc…. Encourage her to mingle also. Encourage her to make new friends also.
Thank you this is a great idea! This way I'm not just going in saying hi and then sitting somewhere else.
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I know! I really need to do this moving forward
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Thank you! I really like that and it's something I'm definitely going to do moving forward!
Try volunteering at the local hospital, church, school or police department. I have found that all of these places need help with paperwork, or giving people directions, or whatever. Don't tell anyone what you are doing. Just resign from the library and switch gyms. Try a pilates studio or yoga. Do you play any sports you can join in on?
Thank you! I've never thought about those places I'll look up if my city has any of this! I do enjoy yoga I might look into that. Sadly I've never been any good at sports lol :(
Stop sharing your activities with her. Dont tell her what you’re doing.
I know I need to really stop!!
At the library be cordial but sit where you want. If she says something politely tell her you joined to meet new people.
Does she try to buddy system you at the gym? If so tell her you prefer to do your own thing. If not, just say hi, do you workout, then bye.
Actions speak louder than words, but if she doesn't get it you may need to explain you are trying to make friends your age.
Thank you! I'll try that out at the library. Maybe going in talking for a few minutes and then saying I'm going to try sitting there. I never thought she'd join my gym. She's already a member of another and I didn't think she would join a second!! She doesn't do the buddy system so much as when am I going we should try out something together. We both prefer to go around lunch time but I've just started going later in the evening and saying work is busy and I know she doesn't like going late. But now every time we meet she talks about her gym routine and I just brush it off because I don't want to hear about it :/
How does she know what activities you're signing up for? It sounds like she's trying to force a mother/ daughter relationship without getting to know you, considering your feelings, or even getting your consent in this type of dynamic. Just because she wants to be close doesnt obligate you to be attached at the hip with her. You're going to need to set boundaries.
"MIL it's nice you have similar interests, but I'm using these activities to create my own support network in this new area outside of family. I know you're there for us as a couple but it's important for me to be able to branch out and I can't do that of you are joining these activities in the hope that this will be for us to connect."
My husband was bringing it up as a conversation piece. I don't think either of us thought she'd join it. But now that she has he is like why don't you want to spend time with her :/ I just wish I had room to meet her in the middle and want to hangout instead of all my activities that took me a while to find to suddenly become things we do together. And now that this has happened it has only pushed me further away from her because when we are together I feel like I need to hide what's new with my life or things I've joined because I'm scared she'll join them too. Why can't we just talk about what I'm doing without the "That sounds like fun I'll join it too".
Thank you for the way you phrased that! I definitely need to just stand up for myself and say something before I find myself stopping everything I like doing just to avoid her.
Boundaries are hard. You dont have that kind of relationship with her and your husband needs to respect that. She also needs to respect that. Your comfort matters and you are describing enmeshment. I would look into that.
Dr. Jerry Wise has some 10-15 minute videos on setting boundaries and self differentiating. When your husband accuses you of not liking his mom or being disappointed you dont want to include her, he is making you responsible for her feelings and ignoring your needs and your feelings. This needs to be brought to his attention.
"I would like to make friends of my own and your mom is ocer-stepping my boundaries by inviting herself. That makes me uncomfortable and feel smothered. How can we live our lives with autonomywithout tiptoeing around your moms desire to be involved when she isn't welcome? I would like to be able to invite her in, not feel forced."
I've never heard of that word before but I was looking into it and it does describe that. I'll also into Dr. Jerry Wise's videos thank you!
I think so because I understand she is lonely too and wants to make friends and go outside the house because she just retired but I'm also trying to make friends and can't keep sacrificing my activities for her. It's not that I don't like her it's just I've never felt comfortable being myself around her and I'm not sure why. This usually causes me to become very introverted and I barely talk to her when we hangout because it feels like I need extra energy to make conversation that would usually flow easily. I wish I knew why I feel that way around her but I don't.
Thank you for the way you phrased that and I'll talk to my husband more about it!
I spent 9 years never feeling comfortable around my MIL, too. Then I got pregnant and realized I didn't like her and she was very superficial and highly controlling. I tried to set boundaries while pregnant but my husband was worried about her feelings so was not helping me get the space I needed. She was upset with feeling old when we announced the pregnancy and ignored me while I was visibly pregnant and then decided she was excited for a specific grandma experience and began coming over uninvited and unannounced, trying to tell us where to put furniture in our own home, and relentlessly trying to be involved in parts of our lives that are inappropriate to include herself in.
It sounds like your MIL is going to ramp up if you let your husband worry about her feelings to your detriment. You already moved closer to HIS family, you don't need to be responsible for her happiness or social life. That's really inappropriate and your husband needs to learn to set boundaries with her too.
If you have kids, the boundaries being established will help before there are unrealistic expectations of you.
We moved near MIL during Dec 2020 and my MIL just had retired. I made huge efforts to spend time with her and she constantly acted like she was doing ME a favor. It was so weird and she tried to force an unnatural dynamic that required me to be subordinate to her. I tried to have a friendship. My husband really wanted us to be friends so he would not have to be his mom's support or mine as much, you know, dump his problems off on each other.
We're NC with MIL. She was entitled and disrespectful after I had my son and tried to make him responsible for her happiness. I didn't have a baby to be her emotional surrogate.
Sorry I'm rambling but there is a lot I have in common with your story!
Please don't apologize about rambling it's nice to hear other people's stories and being able to talk it out to someone! Thank you for listening to mine too!
That is very difficult and annoying that she was not respecting your space and you and just coming over whenever she wanted and then giving advice about things like furniture that obviously no one wanted. You were spending time with her and then she's acting like she's doing you the favor!! I think having to force the relationship is what is causing the issue with me too. My husband and his mom are close but not as close as they would be in a mother - daughter relationship so I'm not sure if he feels bad about it and now it's my responsibility and my MIL also sometimes says she always wanted a daughter but it feels like too much pressure. For some reason I feel more open talking to some of his aunts and random older woman I meet at workout classes than I do with her and idk if it's because those relationships don't have so many expectations.
Yes I think he doesn't understand that we already moved 15 minutes away from them so he can be closer to them too and just because I start finding things to do around the city we live in doesn't mean I need to invite her to everything. If we lived 30 mins away that expectation would not be there because his mom doesn't drive more than a 10-15 mile radius. Every time we go over to their house too it's always I have to help her cook or do a puzzle or something and it's not fun but I have to act like it is so I spend more time with her.
That's so upsetting she was using your baby for her happiness and then overstepping boundaries with you. I'm sorry you're going through that.
I'm actually a lot closer to my husband's aunts!! It is an issue with your MIL expecting a certain kind of relationship with you without consideration for your preferences or earning the closeness. Being a DIL does not entitle her to a "daughter" experience. I have a SIL and my MIL still acts like yours does.
I think just saying no to her and letting her be upset will help you, though. And if they try to argue with you or pressure you into doing things with her, I'd leave. Your MIL wants you to fulfill her desires and doesn't seem to understand that she needs to build an organic relationship with you and establish trust. You're not obligated to do the bonding things she wants to do and she needs to understand that you're not a new doll for her to play with, you're an autonomous being.
I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way!! I agree that it's probably the expectation of the relationship we are supposed to have that is making me feel like it's too much pressure because it's not happening organically. I hope things get easier for you too with your MIL! Did it take you a while to be able to stand up to her and set boundaries?
My MIL was absolutely wild for 9 years. She has control issues so tried to decorate our apartment by sending her home decor to us across the country, throwing us engagement/ baby showers to invite her friends and be the center of attention, took over wedding planning on her state by placing deposits we didn't even know about, and inserting herself in anything she heard about in our lives like where we were applying for jobs or where we were looking to live. I just bit my tongue and just kind of drank wine around her for the two years we lived close before I got pregnant.
Once I was pregnant and she couldn't pretend to be happy for us, I finally understood that she only thinks about herself and started setting boundaries. I tried during my pregnancy and my husband undermined me. Then postpartum I started being blunt and straight forward with her and unapologetic about my boundaries and calling her out. She just started crying and continued to overstep and be disrespectful. Especially behind my back to my husband. So because he was still enabling her and she was being more and more emotionally abusive to my husband, I went NC when my son was 13 months. She wanted my son to fulfill her emotional needs but literally did not ask about him or care about his needs or feelings. She woke him up as a newborn which is a sin in my book and tried to hold him against his will constantly. No matter how many times we said no or asked her to stop, she believed being the grandma entitled her to do things with my son and I put a stop to it.
My husband and I did couples therapy but the therapist just told my husband his mom was emotionally abusive and he needs to set boundaries so he just decided to go LC and deal with it later
I am so sorry you went through that! It's heartbreaking and annoying that your husband was also lot understanding what you were feeling. I'm glad you both decided to go through couples therapy! She was inserting herself so much in your life and not considering any of your feelings. I can't believe she was trying to decorate your home. And I agree about waking up your son when he's sleeping is so bad!! Are you still NC with her?