I have posted a couple of times before about my mil. The background info is she basically got upset & in her feelings because my husband explained we were not comfortable with her being unsupervised with our 2 year old. She doesn't respect our parenting, pushes boundries & does ridiculous, irresponsible things to the point we are not sure our LO would be safe in her presence
Mil has said more than once that she isn't going to bother with our LO now because she thinks it's rude we think she needs to be supervised. We have offered to sit down & talk in person & she has refused.
Its been a month & Mil has now text my husband saying she has now got our LO's birthday present (LO's birthday was in July)& told husband to ask me what our LO wants for Xmas.
Should I take this as mil extending her hand to possibly try to eventually resolve the issue?
Or should I say we don't want any gifts until she agrees to meet with us to resolve the issue? (she is out of the country until the new year)
I've also considered it could be just an attempt at making herself look good to others. If her friends or family ask what she got her grandchildren for Xmas, it will obviously look bad if she says she got our LO nothing lol Or got 1 grandkid presents & not the other
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Other posts from /u/craftyExplorer_82:
Mil being petty & rubbing it in our faces?, 1 week ago
Mil thinks she's perfect & we should change!, 1 week ago
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My MIL did this, she thought she could give gifts and we'd sweep everything under the rug. I wouldn't accept anything, it was a mistake when we did and have refused anything else since.
He can respond with "no thanks" and nothing more
The birthday was in July and she's giving a present now in December? Yes that definitely sounds like a loving grandmother that wants nothing more than to be in LO's life! (That's sarcasm btw) If she really cared she would have done something in July.
Exactly, she also didn't get LO anything for her 1st birthday. She's definitely not grandma of the year!
But she made sure her older grandchild had a present to open the morning of his birthday a month ago. We are not materialistic but it definitely feels like our LO is always an afterthought
Or should I say we don't want any gifts until she agrees to meet with us to resolve the issue?
That. Otherwise, what has changed?
Dear OP, the task of Good Parenting can seem like a thankless one at times, I fear. It’s not enough to teach your own Sweet LO that the things they say and do can have actual consequences, so when they say something hurtful about a playmate? That playmate might not want to be friends any more! Not until Little LO can learn how to say ‘I’m sorry! I promise I won’t say mean things again.’ and then follow up those words with positive action.
MIL used some powerfully mean and spiteful words to create an exceptionally hurtful statement a while back! Thank goodness Darling LO was too young to comprehend that Her Grandma was actually punishing HER because Grandma had been behaving badly and got caught. So you are now in the unenviable position of teaching MIL how to behave properly.
While it is never nice to withdraw one’s affection in order to get one’s way, it is truly abominable behavior to withdraw your affection from a BLAMELESS CHILD, simply because you refuse to admit that your behavior was wrong, and your choices had repeatedly put a defenseless child at risk. This is the actions of a person who cannot see beyond their own needs and wants, and can never be trusted with anything outside of her own sandbox.
Never negotiate with terrorists, Dear OP, be they MIL’s, or regular garden-variety bullies. Stand your ground, hold fast to your very well thought out boundaries and allow any and all who refuse to acknowledge them to pound sand. It will do them a world of good.
You are so right, mils words have hurt us & to then threaten no contact or no relationship with an innocent 2 year old because she can't get her own way with a child who is not hers, is absolutely wild and selfish.
You are right when you say she can't see beyond herself & it feels so manipulative for her to say these things to try & get us to change our beliefs & boundries to suit her, like pleasing mil is more important than our child's safety & wellbeing! Never!!
The saddest thing is she probably doesn't even believe she owes us an apology. But if she had said to my daughters face that she won't bother with her (&Lo was old enough to understand), I guarantee LO would be upset thinking that she had done something wrong when she hasn't.
Yes, indeed. Because children, who see the world thru such a narrow lens for so long, tend to view to believe that all problems which touch their lives are the result of some action the child has done. Children take ownership for all sorts of problems, because they dont understand yet that they aren’t the center of the Universe. So, Mom and Dad are fighting? A child will think “Must be because I didnt clean my room.” MIL/Gramma said she is Mad? “Must be because I was making lots of noise!” It’s not logical to an Adult mind, however it fits right into a child’s Worldview…and if they take this much ownership on all by themselves? How much harder and more confusing does it become for them when they have an irresponsible adult actually Blaming them in such an unfair way?
Honestly here's what I'd text:
"What happened to your statement that you aren't going to have anything to do with LO anymore?"
Then, no matter what her response is: "I'm not comfortable with discussing gifts since that was a pretty declaration you made."
Leave everything else on read.
Oooooh, I have a prediction. She's going to send expensive gifts, and then act like you owe her. Those gifts will come with strings. She's hoping you will feel obligated to give her something in return - even if it's just access to LO
Your results may vary
Don't accept gifts if they are used as tools of manipulation. Instead consider returning or donating
No, I think it’s MIL coming to grips with the fact that she declared an intention that is unsustainable.
I’m not sure you need to meet to “resolve the issue.” You have informed her of your boundary. Now you must be prepared to enforce it. No further discussion is required. Just ensure that you and your husband are agreed on what boundary enforcement looks like. Run through the likeliest scenarios together and agree on your response. While the child is so young, I assume it will mostly be a matter of politely declining every time MIL offers to babysit LO.
There's no reason to give her any type of reply unless she apologizes and agrees to discuss the issue.
god no, this is classic rugsweeping; and worse, were you to do this, it teaches her that you'll remain silent in the face of abominable behavior.
Take the gifts out of the equation and always, ALWAYS, remind her of her behavior: "you said you don't want anything to do with LO. We believe you, so don't contact us further.
No thanks MIL, I remember you saying quite clearly you didn’t want anything to do with LO, so we are unable to accept these gifts. The offer to sit down and talk about all this sometime is still out there if you’re interested. Let us know when works for you.
Then silence from you. Let her stare at the gift for the child she said she wanted nothing to do with. I hope it’s something with eyes that eat deep into her soul…
I think you’re right.m, combined with they think they can run their mouths and then just decide it’s time for everyone to move on. I’d ignore her or ask her if she was ready to have that conversation and make changes.
This is rug-sweeping! If you accept these gifts you are accepting her "apology". Don't do it, she needs to agree to speak with you both before she gets to play good grandma....
"According to my son and his wife, I'm not good enough to spend time alone with my grand baby, but they sure don't mind to take my money!"
That will be thrown in your face in the near future if you accept those gifts.
Yes, I can definitely hear my mil saying something to this effect at some point! She loves subtle digs & out of pocket comments!
Yeah, that or you'll be setting yourselves up to play this game for the rest of MILs life. Every time MIL gets her feelings hurt, she'll pull the same victim/martyr crap. "Well, if that's what you think about ____, then I just won't be involved."
My MIL played the same game with her 4 remaining kids - she'd get offended by something the kid she was currently mooching from did & MIL threw a fit. She'd go mooch off the next kid in her rotation & start the cycle over.
My husband felt obligated to tolerate it. Until our kids were old enough to get hurt by the games. They didn't understand why MIL would turn up & start love bombing. Then she'd take off & ignore their existence which broke their hearts. And the cycle would continue. That's when my husband finally said "no more". His siblings followed suit. The cycle has finally been broken.
Stop this nonsense now before your daughter is old enough to be hurt & confused by granny's games.
You're right! It will just be a never-ending circle of mil going back & forth when things don't go her way!
I'm glad your husband's family was eventually able to see the problem and break the cycle!
I feel like there may be an ulterior such as buying gifts to make her look caring in front of everyone and then play the victim about the low contact. Very much a "look at me being a great grandma, but they keep LO away from me" Be wary.
"Mil has said more than once that she isn't going to bother with our LO now because she thinks it's rude we think she needs to be supervised... ...Should I take this as mil extending her hand to possibly try to eventually resolve the issue?"
---No. Indeed, even if she SAID she is extending her hand to possibly try to eventually resolve the issue, it still doesn't mean she is serious about it. She would still need to prove it. Here, she is boundary busting again. A birthday present from the summertime in December? Come on. That is not someone who gets it. Moreover, her previous claims of not going to bother with your child show a disturbed mind and now she pretends like she didn't say it?
Protect your child from this woman.
Yes, she hasn't contacted us to show she wants to resolve the issue, just a text about presents, out of the blue, like it wipes the slate clean!
The birthday present at Christmas also doesn't sit right with me, especially when her other grandchilds birthday was a month ago & he got a present from mil to open on the morning of his birthday! & the conversation about supervision was atleast 2 months after our LO's birthday so I don't know what her excuse was.
I wouldn't reply...its a bit strange she all of a sudden wants to get gifts after saying she wanted nothing to do with her!!!
Why bother replying?!
Yup. Be a black hole - no light escapes. There's no reason to engage with MIL on this. It would only reward the behavior.
She has an agenda and it's not apologising or thinking of your child, it's all about trying to buy access. Ignore!
I think shes trying to look like grandma of the year to friends and the rest of the family and would hold it over your head. Or shes trying to rug sweep. Issue needs to be resolved first.
If she sends anything. Return to sender
Yup, I definitely feel it's about her own self-image.
Mil said once that she feels she has only been doing her best for our LO, (although she barely made an effort before I confronted her about it) so she would absolutely hold it over our heads that giving her gifts is her being the best Grandma she can be.
Yes! My husband's family are huge rug sweepers, so nothing ever really gets resolved!
“We would love to discuss LO’s wishlist when we meet up to discuss our current issues.”
She's trying to buy her way in. No interaction means no interaction, including gifts. Until she agrees to respect the rules, she doesn't get to be in the baby's life.
Love bombing pure and simple.
Sample text for DH to send to MIL: "Mom, we will not be accepting anything from you. You said you didn't want to be bothered by LO, since you feel that our rules for our child are 'rude'. If you would like to apologize and attempt to reconcile, we will consider that after the holiday season."
OP, she's rug sweeping! She's thinking, oh, I'll buy the kiddo gifts and it'll all be alright! And it's not. If I were you, I would sit down and think about what she could actually do to make this right. (It might be nothing, and that's okay!)
Thanks for that! My husband hasn't sent a reply yet but didn't see an issue with mil asking to send presents. His family are definitely rug sweepers!
I told him it doesn't make sense her wanting to send gifts when she said she didn't want to bother with our LO & made out like we were being disrespectful to her! it's like we are accepting her behaviour without her even apologising.
DING! DING! DING!
OP, HELL YES! That's exactly it. She didn't want to bother, but now, the holidays are coming and people are asking about LO and her plans. That social pressure is starting and you and DH have to hold strong.
She'll either change and apologize or she won't.
It's just her covering her ass for the holidays. If she wanted to fix things she wouldn't be texting like nothing happened.
Also, wtf misogynistic rubbish is this:
Haha, you noticed that too! My husband straight away said 'why doesn't she think I will know what my own child wants or needs for xmas'
She overlooks him a lot like he's not an involved parent!
Tell her until you get an apology and she talks, really talks with you guys you don't want any gifts. Also, remind her she said she didn't want anything to do with LO. Don't let this slide or she'll get bolder and bolder.
Yes this! She can’t have it both ways. Either she wants nothing to do with you and LO or she needs to address her own behavior (and apologize).