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I want to make a calligraphy of "wake up and change" have it framed and sent to your mother-in-law. Now that I have introduced a little humor into this stressful situation. You have very positive instinct to not let an irresponsible person be alone with your child. I thank you for protecting your child. There are a lot of great used books on respecting others boundaries that I think would make a better gift than a video.

Leave it. She told you, she only wants a relationship if she has absolutely no boundaries, so, okay, you’re honouring that. Plus you don’t get grandma perks if you’re not going to actually be a grandma 🤷‍♀️

You can't control her and you can't control the outcome. You're the bad guy either way. She's an unsafe person.  Heck I don't even need a list: healthy people don't seek relationships with children outside of parental approval. Period. 

She's the one using your child as a pawn, since she's saying she's not going to bother with your daughter until she's older. That's incredibly manipulative and hurtful and designed to trigger you to try to minimize the damage to your child. This is actually worth permanent NC, we went NC with my inlaws because they thought it was okay to use my baby in their manipulative mind games. 

Don't send a video, and when she asks, remind her that she said her relationship with your daughter was none of your business and 2yo didn't ask to use the phone that day. (This is petty and might make things worse, but she's going to make you the bad guy either way.) 

You cannot control what she does or doesn't tell other people about keeping LO away. Please don't factor that in to your decision.

You don’t need to worry about what she will use as ammunition because she will use both your actions and your lack of actions as ammunition.

Don’t send her the video. If she says something to anyone else who approaches you about it say something like, “I’m not looking to air all MIL’s dirty laundry, but I can tell you she has some very unhealthy and unsafe ideas about her relationship with us and the baby. Trust me, no one is sadder than we are that this is the case, but she herself has said she doesn’t want to be around the baby unless everything she does can be a secret from us.”

But don’t send her the video because you don’t want her to feel she has a relationship she doesn’t have. When your child is older and asks about grandma, you will tell her she is a woman with a lot of problems who doesn’t have safe ideas. Your child is going to know and trust you, not secretly be yearning for grandma, as this woman pictures.

Just let your partner handle her as much as possible. That includes recording your kid singing 'Happy Birthday' and sending it. You still have normalized the gender difference, but men are equally capable of letting their child sing into a phone. If your MIL expects that more of you than of him, that's on her, not on you.

If she doesn't want to work on your relationship then why should you bother?

I know I wouldn't.

Honestly, I’d say stop letting her get in your head so much. She is the one that has said she’s not going to bother with your kid for now, so there’s no need to send her a video. You think she’ll use this as ammunition? So what, she’s made her choice and isn’t looking to change her problematic behaviour. Nothing more you need to do here.

her claiming that her relationship with your child is none of your business is a HUGE red flag. she doesn't need to be alone with a kid to form a relationship with it, and if that's what she demands as the only way to have a relationship... she's telling you everything you need to know.

Do not leave your child with anyone you do not trust. Do not make any decisions based off someone else. It's a firm but fair gesture to do the birthday video. Let her decide not to see your child with you. Let her make all of the decisions to decay her relationships with your family. DH needs to understanding that her wants are not more important than the NEEDS of your family. 

Don't let her harden you, though. If you don't mind continuing the relationship with her as a family unit and not solo with the child, don't change. Let her whine and cry and ignore it. But keep doing what you do because that's who YOU are. 

I love the happy birthday video sung by a tiny. Too adorable.

You have every piece of this crazy MIL saga except for the guilt. Feeling guilt that your husband is sad that his mom’s a drunken lush.

Stop feeling responsible for your husband’s feelings. He’s in charge of his own emotional landscape. To say that he feels bad when you won’t spend time with his mom. Is really telling you that when you don’t spend time with his mom he can’t ignore the fact that his mom is whack. When you don’t play happy families he can’t pretend that she’s an award winning mommy.

Stick to your plan and keep on going you’re doing great.

importantly don’t do anything she demands, quietly take a moment to consider what you really want and stick with your gut

Giving a one year old alcohol?

Giving her grandkids so much ice cream that they get sick?

And this woman has the gall to suggest that she have time ALONE with LO?!

Please do not ever leave your little one with this irresponsible/ potentially dangerous person.

she wants to be alone with your child to do all the things you don't want. for God's sake, she tried to feed her alcohol in plain sight? what has she come up with that is so bad she needs to hide it?

step back, no need to make more of an effort. or any really. she is not a safe person for your baby. I would wait and let her show she has changed and make the first move.

and no alone time. especially when LO can't talk and tell you what goes on.

to everyone else? tell them thst they don't know the facts and it is none of their business, you are keeping LO safe.​

I would let the day go by with no contact from any of you. If she wants to try to weaponize that, well, you have the actual facts on your side.

What you shouldn't be doing is letting your MIL around your children, especially if it's unsupervised.

If my child had gone to her, and she was trying to offer them alcohol, I'd be slapping it out of her hand, and at least telling her off, for trying, even if my chikd hadn't gone to her.

" whatever relationship I have or will have with 'child's name' is really none of your business"

Oh she would DEFINITELY be effing around and finding out with THAT statement.

ANYTHING concerning the child you carried and birthed is ALWAYS your business.

She has clearly proved with that statement that you were correct in holding your boundaries.

Does she really think that she can have a relationship with a child who basically sees her as a stranger and doesn't like her? Not to mention the fact that the older she gets, the more she will recognize disrespect to her parents. If she doesn't think that will get her cut off from a relationship with her grandchild she is freaking batshit.

If she doesn't want to bother with your child because she doesn't get her own way with everything, then she does not deserve a relationship with any of you. Least of all a birthday video call. You need to show her that her choices have consequences. See how long she holds on to the delusion that she shouldn't change. If she uses ANYTHING you've said to her as ammunition, then I would show any of the flying monkeys her message to husband and ask them if THEY would tolerate the disrespect of being told the same, because you for sure WON'T.

She will not listen, she obviously won't learn until it's too late, and she definitely won't apologize until she faces actual consequences and takes responsibility. She made her choice. Anything that happens in between that and when she finally comes to her senses is definitively "none of your business". 🙄

Why isn't your husband making a video for his own mother ? That says a lot 

Please just let her become “the grandma we never see”. She isn’t worthy to be in your child’s life.

My response to her would have been, "since it seems to have escaped your notice, I'm the mother of LO, and I determine whether she has a relationship with you at all". Two can play that game

She said herself she that she wouldn’t bother with your daughter and wait until she’s older and asks about grandma. By not sending the video, you’re just respecting her wishes! I agree with you, why does she need to be alone with your child to build a relationship? That sets off an alarm to me. A helpless infant yet, a teen maybe, but a baby? She sounds exhausting. I’d do as she asks. Fade into the background with your DH and sweet baby.

Drop the rope. MIL doesn't seem to be the sort of person who should be around children, at all.

I’m always suspicious of adults who want alone time with my baby. She’s only 3 months old but there are only two people I would trust her with. My mum (a midwife) and my husband. If I was super desperate, I have two friends who have babies two weeks apart either side of my daughter. That’s it.

I wouldn’t bother making or keeping contact. She sounds like my JNMIL and it’s exhausting. If she can’t respect boundaries then she doesn’t get to see LO.

If you don’t FaceTime/video her there is nothing for your LO to ask later in life “where is grandma “. Prove your point!

"MIL has made it clear that she will only interact with us on her terms. We will respect her decision."

I wouldn't bother trying to get her to have a relationship with your LO. She already said she's not going to change, and you have no need to change since you're doing all the parenting things right. Let her talk about you to others. This is YOUR child. She simply has no interest unless she gets her way. So, just leave it. I wouldn't even send the birthday message, but that's entirely up to you and your husband. If she wants no relationship, then no relationship is what she gets 🤷🏽‍♀️

"usually always send a video to family members of my LO singing happy birthday to them..Should I do this? or leave it? as mil has said she will not bother with our daughter & wait until she's older & asks about her grandma."

--- I wouldn't get the kids involved with messaging a grandparent that is going to blow them off (due to stubborness or otherwise).

I get the feeling that whatever you do or say, your MIL will play the victim and claim she's being kept from her grandchild. Let her. It's very likely the rest of the family knows what she is like.

I would drop the rope. MIL stated she won't "bother" with your daughter so why should you go out of your way to facilitate a relationship? She's made her decision, let her live with the consequences.

Not to take over your post, but why they want our kids alone so badly? My MIL is constantly wanting me to send one or more of my kids to stay with them. My kids are old enough now to advocate for themselves and want myself or my husband around because my MIL is so bossy and doesn’t take what they do or don’t want to do into account.