I’m so alone. My younger sister told me today she is there to listen but doesn’t want to be in the middle of anything which I have totally respected. Then shes asking if we can just focus on other stuff that is about what’s going on in our lives and not the bad. In reality, we don’t talk much so I don’t share much of anything with her because she’s has low emotional intelligence and I have high EI. So in somewhat playful sarcasm I said “so you just want to share the good stuff is what your saying? Do I have that right?” And she said “Yes! Exactly!” And she was totally serious. So now I feel even more alone because I can’t have a relationship with my older sister bc she manipulates me and hurts me, and I can’t actually share anything except for superficial shit with my younger sister. When I was going through a divorce, my family wasn’t there. When I had surgeries, my family wasn’t there. When I graduated basic training my family wasn’t there and their excuses were a volleyball tournament and a work conference. I was the only person without anyone. When I got my Master’s degree, some friends came but not my family. I feel so very alone. When someone had done me wrong, my sisters didn’t stick up for me, they went and coddled the other person and are still friends with them. When I was physically abused by a man, my older sister said “I can’t picture him doing that” and never asked if I was okay and stayed friends with him. I don’t know how I can keep this up with them much longer. I’ve been there for some hard shit with my older sister, but they both make me feel like an inconvenience when I go through some hard shit. I wish I had a family. (Background both parents have passed and my dad was the only person in our family who I connected with)
UPDATE: Thank you everyone for all of your support. You gave me that boost of strength I needed. I ended up going no contact last week with both sisters. The only way they can contact me is through email and I don’t expect it at all. Honestly I feel the same as I did with them in my life with the same about of sadness and grief BUT I have a sense of relief that I don’t have to “fawn” or “freeze” because that’s what I do around them to maintain the relationship. I don’t want to change who I am to maintain a relationship that is one-sided.
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | This Sub's Wiki | General Resources
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOFAMILY!
I'm JustNoBot. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as Adailystroll posts an update click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Wow... That's not how sisters should treat each other. Sounds like she wants you to be more of a casual acquaintance or a toy she can pick up, play with, and put back down whenever things get real.
I would go a step further and not share anything with her at all. Anyone who will watch you be hurt or abused and say they don't want to be involved/dont want to hear about it is not a friend, let alone your family. I'm sorry that your sisters treat you this way; in these situations it's more beneficial to choose your own family with the friends who support and love you the most.
Thank you so much for your advice. That’s exactly how I feel I’ve been treated all my life with them. I’m just a part of their life when it’s convenient for them. It’s hard to cut ties but have been thinking about it for years. I’m hoping I can have the strength to do it. I just don’t want to lose who I am with who they are. Like I sent my sister an adorable new mug for her new motherhood and my husband said “what? You got her a gift?! Why?! She’s awful to you!” I just have a hard time figuring out what “cutting them out” means for me, because I want so bad to give and be there and hear their stories and share mine. Idk I feel weird that I’m the only sister who wants to but I can’t cut and be kind I feel like.
Hey, you don't have to make a formal announcement or anything! You have the strength already. I think you should affirm to yourself what you want out of your relationships. Then, when you are invited to things or your sister gets in touch, you can put on the brakes and think about what you want to do. Take each choice/opportunity as it comes and don't do anything you don't truly want to do. If you do something kind, do not do it in the name of being the bigger person or because you think they may finally get it. They won't and being the bigger person is a code name for being a doormat, it never goes the way you think it will.
It does feel strange to be the only one who wants to be close, it sucks. It's hurtful and that's why you're here. They know they hurt you and unfortunately they do not care. If they treated you the way you treat them, you wouldn't be here. You don't have to decide now. No contact, low contact, very very limited contact, what have you, you don't have to choose today. It sounds like your husband sees exactly what's going on here and supports you so having him in your corner is huge.
Oh my heart. Thank you. Thank you. It’s tough being the only one in my corner but you’re right, my husband is truly seeing what’s happening, LIVE! I think hearing you and the others have just helped me to get a little more strength. I think going no contact has been my gut instinct for years that I’ve ignored. I think it’s just time to fulfill it. Thank you for your kind and supportive thoughts. Honestly I was so scared to put this out there but I’m glad I did.
We would all like our family of origin to be on our side, but they sometimes just aren't, and it's better to accept it for what it is. I'm happy to hear you have a husband, so he's your new family. I hope you also have friends who see you for who you are. From someone who has had a similar experience, I wish you lots of joy with the people who love and value you as you deserve.
You can't choose the family you are born into, but you can choose who to call your family.
You don't have to be there to support them through their troubling times if they refuse to be there for you. There's nothing to feel guilty about over that.
And congrats on getting your master's, that's a really big deal!
Thank you! I hope I can just get through it.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. It seems to be in the air. Do you have close friends you consider family? Build your own tribe whole slowly letting go of your sisters, as hard as that is. It doesn’t seem like your younger sister gives as much as she takes, and doesn’t want to get vulnerable because it’s uncomfortable. I’m really sorry you’re going through all this. My DMs are always open if you need someone to chat with. You can even share all the “negative stuff” and I won’t shut down on you. 😉
Also, r/momforaminute may be a good sub for you when you need maternal support.
I really appreciate you! Thank you! I think I will join that group because I know I need some nurturing. I would always ask my friends if I can adopt their mom. And when I hug my in-laws, they go to gently release and I say “wait I’m not done, just need a little longer” and they always hug me harder 💕
I’m glad you have good in-laws! That definitely makes it a little easier to get some extra love.
Enablers can be worse than narcissists/abusers. I would distance myself from these people. Invest in relationships with people who have your interests at heart.
I think I will be. This is the strength I need. Distance. Time. Quiet. Just me being me, finally.
I'm sorry you've gone (and are going) through that. You listed a lot of accomplishments where they weren't there for you. So I will tell you that I'm impressed and proud in your behalf of what you've accomplished and I hope you can give big ups to yourself for it. Sometimes the family we're born into doesn't act like family. I hope you have people in your life that aren't related by blood but whom you can see as your found family. You might not get the relationship with your sisters that you desire, but that's not on you. You can't mend a bridge someone is burning from the other end.
Thank you so much. I’m really struggling. I do have some friends but not many locally. I am really bad at small talk so it’s not so easy to make friends like it used to be in my 20s. Also, I think you are right that no matter how much I keep trying to build or preserve, they keep burning but they don’t acknowledge it.
Find people who will support you and have more than a superficial relationship with you.
If either of these two were not related to you would you be friends with them?
Don't waste your energy on an illusion of family.