I’m (34F) with young children. My sister (33F) and I have always disagreed on a lot, but in recent years our conversations have started to feel genuinely impossible, and I’m struggling to understand whether this is something that can be repaired.
A recent fight centered on religion and parenting. For context I’m agnostic and I want my children to learn about all faiths but make their own choices. I asked that when my sister talks to my child about religious topics, she frame them as her beliefs rather than objective truth. She strongly disagrees (claims that I’m erasing her identity/beliefs/heritage) and believes Christianity is the literal truth and the only meaning of holidays like Christmas and Easter. I wasn’t trying to change her beliefs, just asking for a boundary around how things are framed to my child.
What made the conversation so difficult wasn’t just the disagreement itself, but the way it played out. When I said how I felt or what I believed, she repeatedly tried to correct me, tell me why my feelings or beliefs were wrong/not in line with our family (e.g. this is a Christian household and you have to respect that/you were raised Christian but decided to stop believing), or insisted that if I googled it I’d see that she was objectively right. I tried to say we could agree to disagree, but she wouldn’t accept that as an option.
This pattern isn’t new. In conflicts, she tends to talk over people, escalate in intensity, repeat her points louder and faster, and keep going until the other person is exhausted. I literally have videos of arguments where she just keeps talking and talking while saying she’s “listening” - it’s disturbing. It often feels like there’s no room for parallel perspectives, only one “right” view (hers, of course). I leave these conversations feeling unheard, overwhelmed, and emotionally depleted.
During this fight about religion, she also brought up a past conflict from when I was dealing with severe postpartum depression. At the time, she criticized my parenting in front of my children, and when I asked her not to interfere, the situation escalated until I got overwhelmed and forced her to leave. She is hurt by this because she “came to help me, and I treated her like shit” by kicking her out. Recently, when I tried to explain how badly I was struggling with PPD at the time, she cut me off, compared it to her own (non-postpartum, she doesn’t have kids) depression, and said she didn’t treat people badly while SHE was going through it, which felt like a judgment rather than understanding.
At this point, I’m questioning whether a healthy, respectful relationship is even possible. I don’t need her to agree with me, but I do need basic acknowledgment and respect for boundaries, especially around my kids. Instead, I feel like every disagreement turns into a battle over who is “right,” and I end up hurting myself by staying engaged.
I’m feeling a lot of grief around the possibility that we may never have the kind of sister relationship I hoped for. I’m getting a lot of pressure from my mom to “fix this” because us not getting along is stressing her out, and since I’m the daughter who she’s actually able to have a two-sided conversation with, it feels as though the burden falls on me to mend the conflict and protect my mom.
Am I just in for a whole lot of gray-rocking? How do I handle her relationship with my kids? They are close with their aunt and I don’t want to deprive them of family because they don’t have a lot, but I of course want to protect them from someone putting pressure on them to believe what she believes.
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My gut feeling? Your sister has made it clear she doesn't see any reason to respect an opinion that differs from her own. Nor to make adjustments for other people's beliefs.
If she's willing to contradict you in front of your face to your children, what makes you think she won't do the same to your children when they're around her without your presence? But now with added injunctions to keep secrets from you. That concerns me on several levels - first because it's undermining your authority with your children in an manner I believe to be unhealthy; but worse it sets a precedent for your children to start keeping secrets from you with other adults. This is a pattern that can be taken advantage of by the ill-intentioned.
I know this is a trivial example, but your kids love ice cream, right? Would you allow them unsupervised access to ice cream? Only, I'm not sure I'd consider your sister as harmless as ice cream. More like like those broken glass filled popsicles from the anti-smoking PSAs from a few years ago.
NB - I am sufficiently versed in history to understand just how ahistorical the concept of the literal truth interpretation of the Bible is, so your sister's claims already have the fur on my back standing straight up, even before she started suggesting you Google the truth and I imagined how that particular meltdown would play out.
So, a lot of grey rocking seems the minimum - and I suspect that it may be better to end your children's relationship with your sister sooner, rather than later. I mean, if she weren't your sister, would there be any question?
I'm sorry for the loss you're expecting.
-Rat
Thanks for your response. This was a hard read; it’s so difficult for me to let go of the hope that she’ll change and I won’t have to cut her off from my kids. I keep sliding into a defensive mindset, so I apologize if some of that comes out here. I think primarily I’m exhausted and overwhelmed by the idea of essentially excising mine and my kids’ lives from the lives of my immediate and extended family. The first concern is logistical: we live close to each other and they’re used to seeing my mom and my sister at least a few times a week. I’m scared to disrupt what they’re used to, even though it’s my job to protect them. The second concern is that I struggle with the all-or-nothing approach because it all feels so muddled; what I mean to say is, if my sister is “normal” most of the time, but just can’t respect boundaries around 1 topic, is ending her relationship with my kids an overreaction? Or do I take her disrespect now, while my kids are small and still mostly unaffected by her rhetoric due to lack of understanding, as a sign that she will simply escalate and stomp even bigger boundaries in the future? Where do I draw the line and make a permanent change? Does that make sense?
Anyway none of this will happen overnight so for now I think I really need to practice gray rocking and just make sure to be present when she is with my kids (though for right now/the next few weeks I hope to steer clear of her as much as is humanly possible). Thankfully she spends very little solo time with them, I’m almost always there.
I never thought this would be easy for you. Even if you're simply changing how you deal with your sister in terms of your hopes and expectations, that's still going to be hard. You're allowed to take some time to figure out your responses. "Sufficient unto the day. . . " Those are good words to remember, regardless of their source.
You don't have to have all the answers now. You don't have to go all or nothing immediately, either.
My inclination would be to reduce your frequency of visits now, or the length of visits. The other thing would be to refuse to allow your sister to take the kids on her own for outings. But those are just my off the cuff ideas. You're allowed to make your choices - and you're allowed to make things a process, rather than a cliff you're leaping down.
I hope that helps some.
-Rat
Tell your mom to butt out. And hold that line. Hang up on her if she won’t stop.
Your sister has no respect for you. Why are you showing your children that your sister is a safe, healthy person for them to be around? I was a child in a similar situation and this is what makes children take on peacemaker roles. Oh no, my mommy is in conflict with auntie. I want to protect my mommy. But mommy says auntie is a good person- then why is she upsetting my mommy….. I’m going to try to fix this!
You will never get the sisterly relationship you want because you have this sister. Pull back. Grey rock. “Stop arguing your decisions with people who get no vote.” -Gavin deBecker “I wasn’t looking to negotiate with you about religion. These are my children and what I say goes. End of discussion.” Don’t leave your kids alone with her. If she is trying to push religion you can loudly say, “that’s what auntie believes. All people have different beliefs. When you are older you can choose what you believe.”
You aren’t causing problems here OP. Your sister is a boat rocker. You’re sick of trying to steady the boat. It’s time to get off. Google “boat rocking essay.”