Hi! Just found this subreddit today and I think you could become my new hang out! I could do with some advice from people who are far more experienced in this than I am, and it looks like I’ve come to the right place!
I will try to keep this short!
I come from a small family and my immediate family consists of my mum, brother and I (dad passed away some years ago and mum has never met anyone else).
My brother lives nearer my mum than I do but over the last few years he has distanced himself from my mum. I don’t think she realises this though! If she wants to see him she drives to his, the visits are never the other way around. But she still thinks he’s a golden child! I however am expected to go to her. I don’t have a car so I do this by a combination of taxis and public transport (it costs a fortune!). If I suggest the other way round, she can’t possibly leave her dog for the day to do so. If she needs something it’s always from me because he’s too busy (we both work). It’s as if my time is less valuable than my brothers and I’m seen as more available, even though I have a husband, job and a full life and live a hundred miles away!
Despite this, I am the perpetual disappointment! I can never do enough or do anything right. And I’m expected to be at the end of the phone to deal with tech issues etc whenever she needs it. I don’t work in tech but somehow I will know the answer! If I’m not available, she kicks off and plays the martyr. The Christmas period is especially busy for me at work and I found myself on 2 occasions having to remind her that I am not an only child and I have a brother who’s work was slowing down for the holidays. Rather than saying “no problem, I know it’s a busy time, I’ll call him”, I just got “well I’ll just have to cope on my own” accompanied by a big sigh!
I know this is a little thing but it’s just an example. This behaviour is constant. I have taken to telling her very little about my life because there is always some criticism of what I’m doing etc.. or if I had had a stressful week , hers (as a retiree) would always be worse or more stressful, so I’ve taken to just not saying anything. This isn’t a problem because quite often she doesn’t even ask me how my week has been but I know all about hers!😆
Even today (and what prompted me to end up here) she messaged me about the weather by her. I replied about the same thing in a chatty tone and then a bit later called her. She was snarky with me and when I asked what was wrong I was told she didn’t like the message I sent in reply. I’ve read it back several times and I can’t figure out for the life of me what I said wrong!
This has been the final straw. I need to set some boundaries and keep some distance but I don’t know where to start. The constant snarking is getting to me and I can’t win. It gets me so down and she gets so on the defensive if I try to hint that something has upset me, or sometimes to make it all about her, so I need some separation. I would really appreciate any help or advice on how do to this. Thank you💕
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I refer to this as "Bait Fishing". Your mother likely had already decided how she was going to interact with you before she ever sent that initial text. It does not matter how you responded, she was going to apply her predetermined narrative to it anyways.
I like what Rat suggested about Structured Contact.
Something that I have found to be helpful to me, in terms of managing my emotional response is having a mental Bingo Card in my head with predetermined behavior patterns. "Oh mom is snarky, mark the card". It helps with separating yourself from the emotional fix your mother is fishing for.
Journaling is also helpful, it can help you identify patterns and be better prepared.
I also have a script I follow when having to deal with a difficult relative. I think it is the years of the Client Services role I have with my job. Like if she calls demanding Tech Support "Oh Mom, that does sound frustrating. I bet YouTube has a video you can follow to get it resolved." And when she throws out the "I guess I will just have to figure it out myself." line, you respond with "I am sure you will get it figured out!"
Okay, first off - that really fucking sucks. I don't want to minimize what you're going through. The unequal expectations are frustrating to read about, let alone live through. The snark, and unstated standards? That's something that could be abusive, to some people's eyes.
So, setting boundaries, and backing away? Good idea!
Getting through that? That's harder to manage.
I wish I could offer a road map that would be easy, sure, and painless. Sadly, I don't think any such exists. (My Evil Twin not being allowed to make suggestions, at least.)
So, before you start this, accept that there's going to be a period of adjustment. Which is a polite way of saying that when you change up the existing patterns, she's going to try to press every button she put into your mental elevator to get you back to operating as she thinks you should. Which is going to fucking suck. But if you give in, it will make your next attempt to set boundaries even worse. So remember that this is part of the cost of gaining some freedom, and peace. It will be worth it in the end.
My suggestion would be to set up something known as Structured Contact. Stop having random calls any time of the week. Let her texts sit unanswered for at least an hour. Maybe even three! Tell her you'll check in for an hour each week, at a time that's convenient to you both. Schedule it ahead of time, and then DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS SCHEDULE. If she texts? Wait that hour or three, so she's not expecting you to respond immediately, and then say, "We'll talk about this during our call."
You are not there to be her emotional regulator, nor her tech support. (Okay - this is an Evil Twin idea I will let through: You can be her tech support, if she will agree, in advance, to pay you like tech support: You get an hourly rate, and travel expenses. And that hourly rate covers the travel time.) If you're worried about throwing her to the wolves? Get a list of the common tasks that she asks you to do? Find the local professionals you trust, and print them out for her on a laminated sheet, and give that to her. If you know some neighbors you trust, and they've got a teen child you think is responsible enough? They may be a better tech support person than you or I would be, even! Give her alternatives, if that will help you deal with any undeserved guilt you may be feeling.
When she demands you visit? Ask for travel costs, again. You're giving up earning time, your precious relaxation time, and the financial costs involved in those trips. You're not asking her to pay to see you - but you would be asking her to compensate you for the cost of getting there, since she can't be arsed to visit you.
I'm going to take a moment here to add a truism that's often hard to remember when raised by someone like your mother:
YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS MATTER JUST AS MUCH AS THOSE OF ANYONE ELSE.
That includes those of your mother.
So, if she's unwilling to meet you halfway, at least some of the time, start making some demands of your own.
Finally, regarding her snark?
Here's the thing about snark: It's annoying to have it pointed at us. But do you know what really burns people? When they think you didn't get their snark. When they yanked on your strings, and you didn't notice, or failed to leap after their bait.
So, it's a far more peaceful life if you can end an exchange with your mother and notice that her final text seemed a bit off and realize, "Yanno, I think she's unhappy about something. She wants me to be unhappy about something, and will be happy she know she got under my skin. It's too nice a day to go through those hoops. I think I'll let her deal with her own emotions." And you can go do something nice for yourself. Or watch paint flake from your walls, which would still be more rewarding.
The point is: You have the freedom to choose to respond to her snark, and digs. Even if she gets to you, you don't have to rise to her bait, and let her know you have. Over time, the less response she gets from you, the less likely she'll keep it up. Furthermore, the more you ignore the snark? The less it will affect you. "Oh it's just mom being herself. And in other news, water is wet. Off to something fun, instead."
It takes time to get to that last stage, but you can work towards it.
I hope that gives you some ideas.
-Rat (edited because I'm a verbose internet myomorph and Reddit didn't like that)
Omg! Thank you so much! So many wise words in one post. I’m gonna keep coming back to it to remind myself of all your suggestions. Thank you!xx
You're very welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful!
Thank you for letting me know you found it so.
-Rat
Rat Rules!!! Love reading your advice.
I think your brother is less the golden child than he’s put in place the boundaries you wish you had and by enforcing them, he gets to dictate the interactions. Follow your brother’s lead, low/minimal contact on your terms. It will suck because you care, but if you don’t it won’t stop on her part until she’s gone.