I'm heart broken and angry. I don't know how to continue on this way. I don't know if I should cut off my parents or if this is salvageable. Advice welcome.
This year has been a huge year in my life. I moved from my college town across the country to start grad school, finally being trained in my field of choice, and I got engaged to my boyfriend.
My parents live far away from me, but I call them every week. They never call me, unless someone died (literally). It's the expectation they set.
My parents never asked to see my ring. They never once brought up the engagement or the wedding, except the day of to text "Congrats". My boyfriend (now fiance) asked for their consent, and they like him well enough. I've spent the last year wondering why they never asked, if they didn't like him, if I'd done something wrong. I can't come up with any reason. Their silence hurt more than any disapproval they could have.
They never asked me what program I'm doing for grad school. They don't know how long it'll take, or what it's called, or what I study. I'm in the science field, and they don't know what I work on. They don't know about any of my new friends, or my passions, or what fills my time. They never asked. They don't listen when I do say something. I spend a lot of time and energy wondering why it is like this, why they don't care. My brother also lives far from them, and we don't really interact, but my parents talk about him and his job far more than mine.
I work on infectious disease research. My father has a lot of opinions, and I try very hard to avoid them. But on Christmas day, he and I got in an argument mid-present opening about conspiracy theories regarding the pandemic. I gave in, I tried to explain his misconceptions, but he shot them down until I was fighting tears. I told him he has no idea what I even do everyday, that it is the work he hates so much. He said "I know". I thought all of this time that he didn't ask because of selfishness and negligence, but now I can't help but think it was intentional.
(Note: we have never actually fought about this before. I have heard him make comments about conspiracies and science distrust before, and generally avoid listening)
My fiancé and I visited them for Christmas. My only sibling didn't show this year, presumably for financial reasons, but I can't help but wonder if it is because they don't want to see my parents. The first several days, I thought my parents might finally ask about our wedding, or the engagement, or grad school, or my fiancés new job, or our new house together. I mean, we are stuck in a house over the holidays, right? That's what people do, right?
But they didn't. They don't know how or where their only daughter got engaged, or what she does for work everyday. They don't know what our plans for marriage are, or if we are having a wedding at all. I had to force my mother to talk about my ring, pointing out that she had never asked to see it. She told me she had seen it, that it was "hard to miss".
I don't know how to continue this way. We spent time and money visiting these people who don't want to know us. I had to comfort and coach my fiancé through the visit- it was so hard for him dealing with the dynamic, since his family is so different, so chatty and welcoming (although no one is perfect). I can't make them want to know me.
For years, people have told me to cut them off. I don't need them for anything, that they don't give me anything. But how? That's my mom. and my dad. They just don't act like it.
Anyway, my heart hurts.
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At minimum I would start calling them only once a month or every other month. Yes, they're your parents. No, they probably are never going to act like it. Why spend your energy on them?
I am so sorry your father continues to prove he’s piping in oxygen through his navel. I do wonder how he manages to walk with that much spinal curvature going on. Your mother’s indifference sounds even more horrible.
I can’t, and won’t, tell you that you should go bc with those two. You’re the only one who can make that decision. I certainly wouldn’t dare fault you for protecting yourself from them by limiting future contact! What I would advise you would be to suggest you stop hoping for more them.
They don’t seem to have any interest in you, your interests, your profession, your aspirations, nor your goals. I can’t, based on what you’ve shared here, guess why that may be, but I will admit my suspicions begin with raging sexism and toxic masculinity, and go downhill from there. The reason I mention those is because if that’s at all credible, every success, every milestone, every time you try to share a life achievement with your parents that your brother had not already shared, or better still exceeded, will grind bile in their guts because you’re the wrong child.
And you can’t fix that. You can’t make them celebrate your successes when they’re wanting to have your brother’s successes to trumpet above yours. You can’t get them involved in your life when it’s your brother’s life they believe should be the exciting one.
So yes, I can’t tell you to go NC. But I sure as fuck won’t dare to criticize if you start just sending them cards for the various Hallmark holidays.
Hell, I propose an experiment: stop your weekly calls. Track how long it is before they care enough to check in with you.
It’s going to be a painful sort of experiment. I don’t relish the additional pain you’ll experience because of it, but it will give you some more measure of the concern they have for you and your well being.
It may make your decisions easier.
-Rat
You don’t have to cut them off. But you can, if you want, give as much energy into the relationship as they do. Which is to say, little or none.
My ILs were like this. I guarantee that they wouldn’t have known where my husband worked for over 20 years, had he not worked there long enough that casual references stuck in their heads. They didn’t care when he was promoted. They only cared when he got laid off at 62. And then MIL, because she has dementia now, kept asking him, long after he’d decided to take early retirement from SSI, if he’d found a job yet. Nevertheless, he kept contact and went to see them fairly frequently. I went NC with them in 2017.
Now that we have lived across the ocean for over two years, the only time he has ever talked to them is when he calls them. Which has dropped to about once every few weeks. Your relationship with your parents doesn’t need to be posited on genetics or even just having grown up in their house. You get to choose how and how much youn want to interact with them. And if you want to feel obliged to protect your husband from them and their horrid behavior, instead of protecting the both of you.
Man, I feel this. It's gotten to the point that my dad will abruptly leave the conversation if I mention myself in any way. It hurts.
As a social species, we are wired for attachment to our parents and our parents to us. And growing up on a farm, I saw how animals rejected their young when there was something wrong with the baby. I've always felt like the kitten of the litter who was pulled out of the nest and left outside the barn.
Therapy helps with knowing logically that's the the case, that it's not a lack in me but a lack in my dad. But internalizing that as an emotional truth has proved a much tougher sell.
It's a non-traditional loss, but it's grief nonetheless. And like any other important loss, it doesn't get less heavy with time--but we do get stronger, which makes the carrying of it easier to bear.
I'm sorry that they don't care. You deserve better.
We don't choose our family. It's not you it's them.
Spend your time and energy with those that do.make an effort. Be it aunts, uncles, cousins grandparents even your sibling or chosen family ie friends, neighbours, co workers, partners family.
Clearly the phone calls give you no joy. Swap them for newsy emails that let your parents know you are well and any important information you want them to know and to enquire about them as well. Maybe old fashioned writing may be less stressful.
Reach out to.your sibling. It doesn't seem that you both know each other well. You may find a different relationship possible without your parents in the middle.
And good luck
Sending them an email, instead of a phone call, is a great idea. Try it out for a few months.
note: Some parents are just weird. My husband was an inner city kid who was smart and put himself through college and medical school. He's retired now, but was well known and respected in his field. I can't remember his father or mother calling him to check on him. And if asked, they might have said he was a doctor, but wouldn't have had a clue what his specialty was.
My Dad is like this. Totally self-absorbed.. Can't figure out if he's neuro divergent or a narcissist or both.
Don't focus on what's lacking from your parents because it won't ever change. Get some therapy if you need it. It does suck having parents like this.
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I know full well how it feels to have a family that doesn't care. Maybe it is time to cut them off. They do not bring you any kind of benefit, help, or guidance. Which adult children should receive from their parents. I think you have been a great daughter, you have obviously succeeded and are on a path to happiness, that might make them a little jealous I know it sounds crazy, but maybe they look at your life as missed opportunities reflected on to theirs.
OP, I'm so sorry you don't have the parents you deserve.
Stop.....live your life if they dont want to be part of it that's on them. Don't wait till you are in your 40s like I did to let go. Me only child single parent . I beat myself up for years trying to be the good child. People told me for years that I needed to fix the mother daughter relationship or I would regret it when she was gone. I said there was no relationship.
When my mother went into a assisted care home, I found an art project she did. It was a collage about her life. Where she described her life. No where I it did she mention her marriage, my father died when she was expecting me, or that she had a child. My counselor at the time pointed out it provided everything I had been saying about there not being a relationship between us. It was eye opening I final walked away. Stop calling, visiting. I never hear anything from her. It was the best thing I did for mt physical and mental health. When she died 6 years later I did not feel anything but freedom. Please live a life with your fiance and yhe new family you are creating. Stop trying to live as the world wants you to. It is OK to walk away, they will not notice and if they do they can be the get all the sympathy they need from those around them . Don't wait, I wasted so many years ... letting go was the best think I ever did, just wish I had done it years ago. It has been far better being alone than killing myself keeping up appearance with a mother how did not care.
A lot of what I'm thinking has been said by others, but here goes anyway.
Match energies and reduce the frequency of calls. Maybe go to every other week, then to once a month, and perhaps even less frequently than that, depending on how you feel and how things develop. Stick to banalities when you talk to them--the weather, low-controversy news events, celebrity gossip, have they seen X movie, etc--and don't volunteer information about yourself or your fiance unless they ask. Let them carry the conversation and as soon as the uncomfortable pauses start to show up, say good bye and hang up. (Feel free to practice some smooth/polite phrases to facilitate it ahead of time.)
Trust me, based on what I've seen on these subs, if they don't like it, you'll know.
Otherwise, Rat had a good idea about sticking to a handful of greeting cards during the year; including to your brother if you want to keep that line open. Send them a wedding invite/announcement, but personally I wouldn't involve them beyond that.
Congrats on your engagement!
Therapy and time helps a lot when deciding to go NC. I’m 20 years out at this point and the peace in my life is worth it. Wishing you and your partner a lifetime of love and happiness.
I had a similar relationship with my father, I just returned the energy I was given. I called him someone died, sent a wedding invitation. Don’t give your love and time to people that don’t return it.
You’re not alone.
My mom and I live a 3min car ride apart
She lives on one side of the town I live on the other.
We see her at Easter when she drops off candy for my kids and we swap Christmas crap-that’s a 20min visit.
My mother couldn’t tell you anything about me or my kids. She thinks I sit around diddling my fingers,she swears idk how to work a job or function as a human.
She swears my kids love and adore her when in fact, my children barely even tolerate her.
They don’t know her. Won’t visit with her or talk to her.
But my other 3 siblings?!
She can tell you every singular detail about them.
Make it make sense.
You can’t.
Drop the rope and surround yourself with YOUR family. The loved ones you choose to be a part of their world and are a part of your world.
You’ll be better for it
A five minutes conversation with my aunt yields more questions about me and my life than the last ten years have with my mother.
Unfortunately, I do not know any of my aunts/uncles/cousins and all of my grandparents are deceased. I've never had any family beyond my two parents
I’m sorry to hear that.
I had an older brother like this…. Relinquish. Live your life in peace & surround yourself with people you love. Your JNP’s are rude, heartless, cruel, & TBH ignorant. Congratulations on your engagement please k ow this old lady from California is holding you tightly in my 💙. Please feel free to DM me💙
I can relate to this 100%. It’s so painful to not be seen or heard by your parents. I’ll tell you how I cope with it, but you have to decide what works for you.
I moved out-of-state in my 20’s (I’m near 50 now). That’s probably helped the most because it limits my exposure and may have even been helpful in seeing things more accurately. I call them once a week, and listen to them talk about themselves or other people in their lives. It is nice to hear how other family members are doing. I don’t talk about myself, because for me, it’s more painful to do so and then for my feelings and experiences to be ignored or invalidated. I do slip up from time to time, and mention something I’m going through, and I have always regretted it right away. 100%. Because the reaction is always the same, and sharing myself with them always makes me feel worse.
Yes, it does result in a superficial relationship, but for me, that appears to be the only thing possible. With my dad now facing cancer and limited time left, I’m glad I didn’t go no contact, although I’ve thought about it many times before.
I will warn you that to do this well, you need to have strict boundaries and self-care put into place. For me, that means limiting my phone calls to the time duration I can handle, intentionally building in time for myself doing self-care when I’m there for a visit, etc.
I know how painful this can be, and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it. Unfortunately I think having parents like this predisposed me to a life where I have trouble speaking up for myself or having relationships where I felt truly seen and valued. I still don’t regret not going no contact with my parents though - you only have one set of them after all.
I hope you can experience a different dynamic with your in laws-to-be, and congratulations on your engagement. An important piece of self-care in this situation, whether no contact or not, is to prioritize the people and experiences that help you feel seen and valued elsewhere.
Sending you all the best, and good luck with your decision on how to proceed with family.
I'm not sure why you would cut them off. Cutting them off is a last resort for when you can't deal with someone. The issue here is that there isn't anything to deal with.
I'd just start reflecting their energy.
Have you considered a therapist or counsellor to talk about this? It's clearly upsetting you.
Roscoe, your job will SAVE LIVES be proud of your yourself….i sure am💙
Just out of curiosity, did your dad end up paying for your education as per his offer to refinance the house / dip into his retirement fund or was that offer bs?
I have read all of your posts regarding your family. I sympathise that they are the only family you have and that it's hard to cut them off. Try forming new family bonds with your fiance's family instead.
I think it will be easier for you to cut them off completely once you have children. As a mother, you will not want to subject your children to their grandparents' narcisisstic abuse (yes, they are abusing you!)
This is how it is with my family unfortunately although they put on a front like they care but they never remember anything i say. I gave them two grandkids and they moved 12 hours away and expect us to visit. I dont call them occasionally ill text but i gave up a long time ago. They definitely prefer my sister whi FaceTimes my mom daily but i dont have time for that with 2 kids. I would focus on you and your fiance and try to detach as best you can from your parents even if they're "your parents" no need to "cut off" just gray rock instead which seems it will be easy to do