2 years ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer. My mum was the first person I told. We decided to go to our home country for treatment, moving the family away from near where my mom and dad live. Shortly after telling her she started making it out like we were just using the cancer as an excuse to leave, even implying that the cancer wasn’t real at all. She also tried to pressure me to tell my siblings and to share more information about my wife’s medical condition. She also reportedly badmouthed us to the family and friends behind our back.
Thank god, my wife went into remission. but when we moved back to our country of residence my mother refused to apologise or acknowledge her wrongdoing. She still never has.
as a result I went limited contact with her about 1.5years ago as a result. I’ve seen her once in that time. Also with my kids they have limited contact.
The other day she wrote an email asking where I stand and saying she misses me and the kids etc.
Listen like any person, I don’t take pleasure in basically going no contact with my mum. especially cause of the kids. but without any apology or taking responsibility for her horrible behaviour, how am I meant to to trust her? I’m thinking of giving her an ultimatum that she either apologises and takes responsibility or we can have a relationship but not sure if that’s the best course of action. Any advice welcome..
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She’s still not taking accountability for her actions. What happens the next time you have a family emergency and she bad mouths you or your wife? Because she will.
Congratulations to your wife for her remission! I'm glad she's there and I hope she remains in remission.
Your mother, on the other hand, is filtering this whole mess entirely through how it affected her. Without a genuine apology to your wife, and to you, I wouldn't trust her. Without that trust, why would you allow her back in close contact with your children?
For context, in your shoes I would think a proper apology from her would include: acknowledgement of how did harmed you and your wife; speaking to those she bad-mouthed your wife to, to try to undo any damage she may have done to your wife's reputation; and a promise to not be such a jealous and gossipy jackass in the future. Without all three of those parts, I wouldn't even begin to entertain her desires.
I do admit I'm an often bitter and angry Rat, however. I would recommend that you consult with your wife about what she would require from your mother to allow your mother to gain more access to your children.
-Rat
I wouldn't forgive this
Agreed..... mommy would be persona non grata.
Me neither. Not only did OP's mother NOT HELP during a time of serious need (even emotionally) she actively made life HARDER by lying about OP's life, and wife, because it suited her. If this were me, I'd tell her that until she gathers all the people she lied to, admits lying, and publicly apologises, she's not having any contact with my family. Especially not the kids. Why should she get access to young, impressionable children after lying so callously about their mother?
I mean, yes, OP's wife is very lucky, as she went into remission (congrats to OP's wife, as that's amazing), but what if she hadn't? What if OP's mother was chatting garbage, about this poor woman, and she died? Those kids will find out one day, they'll hear what grandma was saying about their mother, WHILE SHE WAS BATTLING CANCER.
If I were those kids, and I found that out, I'd not only be cutting off that toxic grandmother, I'd be furious at my father for giving this horrible woman access to me, after she badmouthed my mother, who was battling death. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that horrible. Being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right.
I would ask your wife what she's comfortable with. You are free to determine what your relationship with your mother will be, but your wife has considerable say over whether or not your mother should ever see your children. I think a meaningful apology from your mother is the minimum requirement for renewing contact. (By meaningful I mean 'I'm sorry I implied your wife faked cancer. That was hurtful and wrong' not 'I'm sorry if anything I said was taken the wrong way it was never my intention to hurt your family I just love you so much and want you close.')
If you demand an apology and she gives one, it will not be sincere. She has not apologized so you maintain no contact or low contact.
With people like this any effort you make will not be appreciated or respected.
“Why would I let someone who said the mother of my children was taking cancer around those children? You don’t respect their mother, so you are not allowed the children. You reap what you sow.” Is probably the only thing I would say back. But I give bad advice. Ignore me
It's the correct advice
She's regretting her choices now, but how will your kids feel when grandma abandons you all again the next time something happens.
This one, it hurts enough as an adult, but with kids they take it to heart & can't understand. I have been the adult and the kid in these situations & yes I fully blamed myself for years. I think OP needs to set a hard line - no disrespect & lying about their family unit (which includes the wife even if mom doesn't see it that way). Apology for previous behavior. If it were me personally, I'd want mom to say she was wrong in front of the larger family she gossiped to. $100 says she'd never do it, in which case then the mom is making the choice not to see the kids, her own or the grands.
I've also been in this position, and as a 33-year-old woman, it still hurts. It's a special kind of hurt to be dumped like an old sack of potatoes by someone who's supposed to be your grandmother, OP, dont give her a chance to do it again.
No.
It’s been 2 years. Why would you accept an apology you had to force out of her?
Then give this malicious liar access to your kids?! Yeah no.
If I was your wife I’d feel completely betrayed - by my husband, if he did this.
How does your wife feel about this? I think you need to make the best decision that will support your kids, your wife, and you. 💜
The ultimatum is the way to go. There can be no rug sweeping allowed if your wife is going to feel like you have her back.
No apology, no, or very little contact. She needs to give a sincere apology to you and especially your wife. She needs to understand what an asshole she is/was and what she's going to do to prevent it from happening again. I have a feeling it's going to be pointless.
It’s really up to you. Have you told her that during one of the worst times of your life, your mother decided to make it all about her making this time in your life even harder? I would just tell her all of it and the. If she hoses to say that didn’t happen, you can continue to protect your family. If she has changed, then it will require a true apology. I’m so sorry you ent through this and so happy your wife is in reemission.
She misses you and the kids? She's excluding your wife. Wow
That alone would lead to permanent NC for me.
I'm big on people apologizing in the same way they disrespected me. You went to numerous family and friends to bash me? You better do the same with your "apology".
Your mother made your wife's cancer about herself. A time when your wife was going through so much fear and anxiety on top of having to leave her home and uproot her family so she can get treatment. Now she's trying to worm her way back in without apologizing about it? Good for you for standing up for your wife.
An apology you have to ask for is worthless.
I insist my mom apologize for how she treated my children before I'm willing to talk again, and it's just not worth it to her.
She wants to pretend nothing is wrong, send presents to the ones she still likes, and uses her access from the gifts to guilt trip them for not talking to her more. I always discourage it, and no way in fuck I'm allowing my non adult children to visit her 2 states away alone like she keeps asking.
It's just as well because if she knew how well I was doing she would try to wheedle her way into exploiting me.
She's jealous I was able to stay home with my young kids, and then jump into a good career without a degree and instead of being proud, she snarked at a 10 year old that I should have been providing "better" for them their whole lives.
The regular pattern is she is a witch from hell lashing out at everyone who doesn't pander to her, then we cut her off. Then she waits until she "forgets" she did anything wrong and tells us she doesn't understand why we're so mean to her.
Why bother?
Any apology she gives you under these circumstances won't be sincere. She's just going to say whatever it takes to get you off her back, so then she gets exactly what she wants.
Mark my words, it will only be a matter of time before the shitty comments and sly remarks start back up again. She hasn't changed or apologized, and until she does, and chooses to do so out of her own free will and out of actual remorse, the only thing that will happen is the continued abuse of your wife.
I’m surprised you have contact at all with no apology.
That woman would never be around my family. Remember, you can forgive without having anything to do with someone again.
Do you really want an apology that you have to bribe from her and that you know will be insincere.
Your kids should never be allowed around a woman who spread rumours that their mother faked her cancer.
Protect your wife. If you want contact, see her on your own. But don’t let your kids around her and don’t allow her in your wife’s safe space, your home.
She still says she misses you and the kids. Nothing about your wife. That should tell you everything, that she still doesn’t feel remorse about what she said how she made out that your wife was faking cancer. She was awful to your wife. Thank god your wife is out of remission.
Why would you accept an apology after all this time? At this point it would seem to be a forced apology to get what she wants
It’s not giving her an ultimatum. It’s called accountability and respect both of which your mother has not shown your family. Skip the pleasantries and simply state: You have yet to take any accountability here and until that time comes we really don’t have much to discuss. Good luck.
“Mom, in our deepest hour of need, you added to our burden by accusing us of horrible things. I love you but, sadly, you have shown all of us that you a not safe, good, reliable person. Because of your unrepentant actions, we do not see you the same way we once did.”
Make the ultimatum you deserve that. But she may not apologize and you need to be strong and stay true to your ultimatum.
Without an apology to you both and the rest of the family and other people she spoke to is say no.
I felt relieved when I went no contact with my mother she has sent Xmas cards this year to us and kids and for the first time spelt my wifes name right and included her for that matter.
The frustrating thing about that is the proof that they always had the capacity to get those details right, like spelling your wife’s name properly, but it wasn’t til you went NC that they actually processed that they really were important details that mattered.
I’m sorry for the choices you were put through, and admire you for your strength.
-Rat
To be fair that's the least of it, my wife doesn't drive, doesn't want to drive has never wanted to drive. My mother gave her a piece of paper saying 10 driving lessons for Christmas.
Gave her another piece of paper saying trip to Paris for your 30th, on the day says oh no your 29 will do this next year lol. Never did.
And so many other things I can't even remember, the irony is it was my wife who was pushing to make sure that I didn't cut her off for so many years because of her disrespect towards her and myself and our children.
Oh I had no doubt that was a trivial slight.
But it’s so emblematic.
-Rat
Your ultimatum of an apology or nothing will result in an insincere apology in order to get access to you and your children if she even apologizes.
Your mom is selfish and won't change.
I’m in a similar boat in a sense that I’m waiting on an apology from my JNMIL. She has apologized to my husband but not to me the only person she needs to apologize to. However, she only apologized to him because he told her that’s what he wanted. So if you want a genuine apology try not to let your mom know that’s what you’re looking for on the off chance she will apologize purely because she thinks that’s what you want to hear.
Unless mother apologizes and tells other people she was wrong I wouldn’t forgive her. You want her arounf your kids lying about your wife? She has already shown she is comfortable doing it
You chose your wife. You made the right choice. Nothing that caused you to have to make that choice has changed. Nothing.
If she wants something to change, she needs to make it happen. Reply to her email and tell her than unless she acknowledges everything she did and says and gives a formal apology to your wife, and you, and goes out of her way to set the record straight with your extended family that you aren't interested in talking to her.
I want to know where SHE stands. You’re not the one that caused the offense.
Nah. She doesn't deserve you or your family.
Please stick to your boundaries. To give in is to give into her behavior and disrespects your wife. You’ve been her champion through her cancer, keep that up. She actively caused harm. You are right to jeer trust her again. ESPECIALLY given she still doesn’t see what was wrong, or if she does, she’s unwilling to take responsibility and apologize for her very hurtful actions.
Go low to no contact with her. She wo t change
But she doesn't miss your wife. I don't think someone as nasty as your mother is capable of change. Do you really want/need her in your kids' lives?
The biggest predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour!
Where you stand? She needs to apologise!