For starters, my ex and I live together and co-parent just fine. His family are unaware as to the real reason why we are no longer together, but know we still have love for eachother and prioritize our differently looking family of 3.
Anywho, onto the meat and potatoes of the story. We have been no contact with ex's youngest brother and his wife for a year now, due to a myriad of reasons including spreading delusional stories to anyone willing to listen about me and my relationship, starting fights over misconstrued texts that had nothing to do with them, and repeatedly gunning me off/talking down to me infront of our daughter. They became pregnant midway through 2025, and at a party we all happened to be at, I steered clear of them with my daughter (who is terrified of their untrained and hyperactive dog) but they felt i was disrepecting them by not bringing my daughter over to say hi. They also didnt bother to try and initiate greetings either, but we didnt say anything because it wasnt bothering us.
The next day, ex's brother sent a scathing letter to my ex saying how much of a piece of shit I am for not saying hi, and that i am to stay away from their growing family while demanding a relationship with my child. Ex said that's fine we'll be staying away, but we still don't want you near our child.
We have been notified they have asked around wondering if we will be buying their unborn baby any gifts (?!) And if they should buy our daughter something for christmas. Ex's sister told them that how they feel about us, isnt how they feel about our daughter so its up to them. But don't count on us buying their child anything when they told us to stay out of their life. Turns out they did in fact buy our daughter something, and we both agree we will not be accepting it. At best, its a manipulation tactic setting us up for another fight, at worst it's predatory and does not feel right to me in any way.
I know we are in the right for not accepting this gift, you don't get to have a relationship with a minor child without their parents involvement. Family or not, that's not right. Its not an olive branch when there's a plethora of strings attached to it. But I do need some advice on how else to word our resounding "no, we will not be accepting this gift. Please respect our mutual boundaries" because "absolutely the fuck not" is too aggressive and I know there will be a fair amount of "but its just a gift" "its not for you its for your daughter" "what if this is an olive branch"
Thanks in advance, I am happy to clarify any details within reason if you need to ask anything. I am having severe anxiety about a fight that hasn't even happened yet in regards to this damn present and just want to feel prepared.
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Here's the thing: They've put you into so many no-win scenarios, it's clear you have zero reason to try to play by their rules. You'll never get consistency from them, nor will they allow you a win, even if you manage it, because they'll change the rules anyways.
Figure out what you want, and go for clarity. Not rudeness, mind you, clarity. My off the cuff suggestion:
"Thank you for your kind thoughts for our child. We must decline your gift, however. A gift without an apology for past behavior - one that includes acknowledgement of wrongdoing, and a promise for changed behavior in the future - is not an olive branch, whatever you may have intended. Without such reason to believe your future behavior is going to be substantially changed, we do not see any reason to change the current relationship between our family and yours.
We do wish you a healthy and safe new year."
And let them choke on that. If you're feeling particularly petty, send a flower arrangement with the message. Well, maybe not. That's probably an Evil Twin idea, and his ideas are not calculated to promote peace. For all that they may be charming.
-Rat
I appreciate your input and your wording. Gives me a fair amount to think on.. Thank you very much for this :)
Your ex needs to tell his brother that he doesn’t want to accept the gift and that there doesn’t need to be any future exchanging of gifts.
Get ex to tell them, they’re his circus. You do nothing, tbh eyre not your people and you not owe them an explanation.