Trigger Warning: mentions of domestic violence, physical and mental abuse, parental aggression
For years, I (21M) have been spending Christmas and New Year's with my grandma (77F), which is the only person in my family, with whom I have a truly loving relationship. We live in Germany, while the rest of the family lives in Greece.
My father (60M) and I never have had a good relationship, because he is very violent, hurt me physically and mentally, is very aggressive (as in breaks furniture, screams, etc.) and a liar. I broke of contact when I moved to Germany, but he still finds ways to be spew his poison everywhere. He texted my grandma on Christmas eve saying: "Only he (meaning me) is not here... When you and his mother will have died, he'll realise he has nobody else and that he's all alone"
I expected such hateful words from my dad, but all the relatives in Greece, including my mother, when I told them about it, said he only said that because he loves me, and he wants to be together with his son for the holidays. And I think it's disgusting to try to find excuses for such words.
I've been living on my own and financially supporting myself since I was 18. I built all my friendships and my whole support network from zero since I moved from Greece, and I won't allow my father or anybody else to discredit my hard work, or allude, that I am a person so difficult and estranged, that I couldn't possibly have someone that wants to be with me, and that all the friends I have now, are not truly there for me. It's especially disgusting, considering loneliness is my biggest fear and my father knew that. He might also have thought, that my grandma would show me the message, and that he could hurt me through that.
I am tired of the family in Greece. Not only my father, but also everyone else protecting him. I'm already down to very little contact, because I'm disgusted each and every time we communicate. Problem is: my grandma doesn't want to stop letting my father meddle in everything, because he is her son, so there is always his damn influence. He kept talking bad about me to my grandma, all throughout the holidays, and while my grandma agrees, that the way my father behaves is cruel, she won't stop letting him in her life and she won't stand up for me, which makes me sad.
I have accepted, that for the time being, it will make me a bit sad, whenever something like this happens, because I do have emotions and I think it's valid to feel sad, when your own family has such a low opinion of you for protecting yourself. But I'll do my best not to let anyone undermine me and my dignity. I have many things planned for 2026, so I want to keep doing my best, without allowing negative influences harming me.
If anybody has any thoughts or tips on how to handle the situation, I'd appreciate you sharing them with me.
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Other posts from /u/libraking21:
02/23/21 08:16:39: I stood up to my violent brother
08/28/20 22:54:39: My Father Wants To Sent Me To An Asylum
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Remind grandma that you are NC with the sperm donor that she gave birth to and that you do not want to hear about that person at all. Establish boundaries and consequences every time she mentions or makes excuses. Because the reality is that unless you cut her out of your life too… your sperm donor will always have access to you.
I won't let my father get in the way of my relationship with my grandma and I won't cut her out of my life. I love her.
I have established boundaries about my father with grandma, and she is the only family member who doesn't make excuses for him and who doesn't ask and pressure me into talking to him again. She also never discloses anything I tell her to him. The fact, that she still talks to him, because of "maternal responsibility", is something I do not like, but it is something that I partly understand. But yes, that also means I will catch things he says here and there, and that's what I want to deal with. I'll ask my grandmother to stand up for me, whenever he mentions me. She doesn't do so directly, because she is bad at confrontations with my father. My father intimidates and gaslights. But if she learns to stand up for herself and me, I'm sure that my father won't have the courage to spew his poison everywhere anymore.
I see myself in your words a lot and I can say the path forward gets better. You sound very mature for your age and you have gone through a lot of hard work to get where you are now. Keep believing in yourself and putting yourself first because at the end of the day you need to be your own biggest supporter to get through such difficult family dynamics. Balkan family culture is so so toxic, I relate to your story a lot and the only thing I've found that helps is doing my own thing in spite of my family talking about me, bad mouthing me, acting like they know me when they don't. Once I was able to shed their perceived sense of who I was, I was able to see more clearly who I am and could be and how so wrong they are.
I wish you the best in the year ahead and may you find relationships worthy of your true self 🫂
Thank you for your sweet words!! You're right about each of us having to be our biggest supporter!! It is not always easy, but we have to. And we'll get stronger, because of it. And I also relate to your words about shedding the way our family Views as. It's so liberating to realise, that the way we used to be treated by our families, and still are, is wrong and that they tried to uphold a mirage, in which they are the best family ever, when in fact they hurt as deeply. Let's keep that healing process up and let's not let anyone distort our sense of self!
Have a good year! I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs!
Agree with the comment saying time to put some boundaries in with grandma. You can do it nicely. She can interact with him if she wants but you don’t want to hear about it at all and if she tells you, she gets a short time out. Old people can change, don’t let someone tell you otherwise.
Yea me too. My dad is always telling me I'm alone and will always be alone. It's horrible. I dint have much to do with him. My family is severely disfunctional and cruel. The moderate is saying don't suggest no contact. Why not? I'd realize it's them not you and try to find new friends and support. Sorry. You dont deserve this crap